I Was Actually in Love and We Broke up.

[WonderKid]

I haven't been on here in a long time. But have to get something off my chest. I was with this lady. 38, three kids, married three times. But what I tell in love with was the person inside. She was a nurturer; I never had that before.

First issue was with her and my mom. And it kept being an issue. The woman doesn't know when she is being disrespectful. She feels my mom and my family are disrespectful to her when they aren't. She tries to isolate me from them. 

I told her I have no problem with her being clingy. But she is NEEDY and CONTROLLING. If you don't understand her feelings you are flat out the bad person. It's her feelings or nothing at all. When I'm staying over her house she's happy. Nothing is wrong. But soon as it's time for me to leave it is a problem. She has sickle cell anemia and she uses that sometimes to get me to come to her. She lives an hr away from me.

She wants to be put first over everything. She said she doesn't know how to be a GF only a wife. How is that my fault? I tried very hard with her. I grew up around broken relationships so subconsciously I try to stay through adversity to make things work. But since she didn't grow up with a family like that, she gets jealous of mine. It seems like no one else is allowed to love me but her. She got mad over a FB post my mom made about appreciating me. She felt like my mom wasn't acknowledging that I have a relationship. But why care?

You don't even like her at this point so why care? She claims I don't defend our relationship. Yet, when we get into arguments I'm still by her side. I help her with her kids sometimes. They are older though. And one is in a mental hospital and I was even supportive of that. This is the first time I've actually tasted love. We only been together 3 months but the drama made it feel like 5. I even ended up mentally cheating on her which I'm not even proud of. I see the good in her but she needs help. And one thing is I don't like being controlled. Someone would have to kill me to stop me from doing what I want. She wants me to battle my family when I'm not doing that. 

I just don't know. I have an atypical brain. I feel like if love is able to be ripped from you like this then I don't want it. This hurt me more than I realize. I had to come back to here just to write these feelings out. I cannot believe I'm hurt. I've never had this happen. Because I never got close to anyone. I was very vulnerable with her. She even used that vulnerability against me one time.

I may sound like a wimp or something, but I'm afraid to ever fall in love again. It's like everything was right and it just crumbled in a flash. I'm trying not to dive back into sex to eliminate the feelings but it is tough. I just found out that drugs and alcohol does make you forget but it's so temporary. But it helps. I'm conflicted on how I feel. Sorry for the rant.

 

 

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you are happy with some aspects of her but not others. 

It is hard when you are in love with someone who hurts you, whether they are hurting you inadvertently or not.

If you think she is being unreasonable, then you need to tell her.  If she doesn't accept or understand your point of view, then there is little point trying to make this relationship work.  We are not in a position to judge whether her complaints on the way your family treat her are justified or not.  We can only see the effect this is having on you.

If you are not happy with this woman - and she is unlikely to change - then break up.  Breaking up hurts when in love, no doubt about it, but so does trying to make an impossible relationship work.  You need to decide whether this can be turned around or not.  If you think her complaints about your family are unjustified and so are not going to stand up for her over that, then she is likely to end the relationship anyway.

One thing I wonder about - you say she is nurturing and you have not had that before.  Do you mean you have not had this in adult relationships or ever before?  Are your family nurturing?

Edited June 29, 2021 by spiderowl

[WonderKid]

10 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like you are happy with some aspects of her but not others. 

It is hard when you are in love with someone who hurts you, whether they are hurting you inadvertently or not.

If you think she is being unreasonable, then you need to tell her.  If she doesn't accept or understand your point of view, then there is little point trying to make this relationship work.  We are not in a position to judge whether her complaints are the way your family treat her are justified or not.  We can only see the effect this is having on you.

If you are not happy with this woman - and she is unlikely to change - then break up.  Breaking up hurts when in love, no doubt about it, but so does trying to make an impossible relationship work.  You need to decide whether this can be turned around or not.  If you think her complaints about your family are unjustified and so are not going to stand up for her over that, then she is likely to end the relationship anyway.

I don't think her reasons are justified. Like, she wanted us to plan our weeks out for each other. When she had an emergency or something, I had to drive to her place and support her. But, if I were at home doing something and broke the plan she'd throw a fit.

Just like the time she got upset for me talking on the phone to my mom at the restaurant. Which is understandable. It can be seen as rude. But it was important because I was trying to help her figure out her hotel situation. But SHE felt it wasn't important. I told her she done the same thing but she claimed it was only when the hospital called about her son; which was a fib because there's been times she answered the phone while we were eating but I wasn't bothered with it.

She then says, "well I have kids. You don't have kids, so yes I have to answer the phone." I said, "but I have a family just like you have a family. And if it is an emergency then I need to communicate with them. Just because the emergency isn't important to you, it is to me."

My family wanted the best for us but she picks out the negative and runs with it. She claims that they disrespect her and I am not standing up for her. But I have on many occasions and my family literally do not speak on us. They have more things to worry about. I don't think she wants to change. And I think she is emotionally dependent. I'm not. 

Her kids even know she's the way she is. I have autism and her oldest daughter has it too. She confided in me and I felt every word she was saying about her mom. Her mom thinks because I am autistic she can control me somehow but I'm not a pushover. 

[spiderowl]

Thanks for responding.  It does sound as if you are not compatible as she is not respectful of your commitments.

It is annoying when people answer the phone when you are at lunch or dinner, but I would not grumble if it was for good reason; for example, to help a family member or to check on or respond to a child.

It sounds like your girlfriend is quite demanding.  We only hear your side of things but if you are not happy with her, is there really any point in continuing the relationship?

[WonderKid]

19 minutes ago, spiderowl said:

Thanks for responding.  It does sound as if you are not compatible as she is not respectful of your commitments.

It is annoying when people answer the phone when you are at lunch or dinner, but I would not grumble if it was for good reason; for example, to help a family member or to check on or respond to a child.

It sounds like your girlfriend is quite demanding.  We only hear your side of things but if you are not happy with her, is there really any point in continuing the relationship?

I continue because of how I grew up. I grew up around broken relationships and what I seen is through adversity you try and make it work. And I do truly care for her. But idk.

[glows]

It might be better to rethink all of this. Leave all the third parties out of it including the kids. My thoughts are that she senses you're indignant and frustrated with her behaviour and she's as uncertain and insecure about you as you are about being around her or her behaviours.

The dysfunction continues for as long as there's that push and pull and deep resentment that prevents you both from ever seeing eye to eye or empathizing with each other. It's just not working. Granted you've broken up but hopefully writing about it helps relieve some stress.

 

Edited June 29, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, WonderKid said:

She has sickle cell anemia and she uses that sometimes to get me to come to her.

How long were you dating? Do you live with your mother/family? It's unclear why they are overinvolved in your dating life.

Unfortunately she expects more than you are ready, willing or able to give.  She needs someone who can be a consistent and involved family-type man.

It's good  you ended it. Too many incompatibilities and conflicts.

[d0nnivain]

This woman has 3 failed marriages under her belt & wants to insist that the world revolve around her.  Yet you call her a nurturer.  You need a new dictionary but it's probably your autism; you don't see the bad stuff for what it is.   I see is a selfish narcissistic  person who manipulates people playing the "I'm-sick" card.  If she's trying to separate you from your family that alone is a reason to walk away.  

[Daisydooks]

On 6/29/2021 at 2:00 AM, WonderKid said:

I continue because of how I grew up. I grew up around broken relationships and what I seen is through adversity you try and make it work. And I do truly care for her. But idk.

Howd that work out for ya? It didnt. You dont stick around to make toxic crud work. Sorry, you answered your own questions here. You saw that growing up so I get why she is attractive but cripes. 

If you can rationally see this is dysfunctional, and it is, why in Gods name would you stick around to repeat history for yourself as an adult, and for her 3 children?  

End this nonsense.  3 months? What in the ever loving heck, OP? 3 MONTHS AND YOURE HERE WRITING THIS? STAAAAAPPPP! WTF did I just read? You cannot be serious. She is toxic and a terrible woman for you. And 3 ex husband's. Dont be her 4th ex huaband. Jesus.

In 8 years my H and I have never even so much as yelled. Never. Not one time. No name calling. No yelling. No fighting (we disagree respectfully, of course... because no one agrees on everything.) And youre 3 months in? Yikes. 

This isnt love. She is abusive and toxic. This is an awful relationship and not at all salvagable

[WonderKid]

I forgot to reply to this post with an update. But yes Ieft her alone because it wasn't much more I could take. And in the process of me leaving her alone she tried to hurt me somehow (not physically though). So I made sure no contact is with her. We hang around the same social groups and I told the guy that puts on events; that if she is attending then I won't be there. But he assured me that he'll make sure that isn't the case.

But this has taught me more of what I don't want. And just because I seen what my family stick with in their bad relationships, doesn't mean I have to. I'm just not that type of person at the end of the day. I don't need to stay in something bad just to be happy. I can be happy by myself if that's the case.

 She went along dating some more and ended up arguing with those people as well. I don't miss her at all. I remember the good times but I don't care. What I miss the most is the companionship. I don't have that anymore. So it'll take a while for me to get over that. I'm healed enough to date again. But I'll take things way slower this time. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[FudgeSwirl]

I'm glad you were able to escape that toxic relationship where everything was about her.   While those with illnesses and conditions may need extra care (ex: picking up a prescription, a ride to the doctor, etc.), those that use them as leverage to control and get what they want all the time are despicable.  

It sounds like you have the right mindset and I hope that you find someone who truly will care about you.