Why can't the dumper see the potential

[Benji1991]

i'll try and keep this concise, I met her May 2020, we clicked and felt like best friends and like we'd known each other our whole lives, things got sexual and then we started a relationship, although the relationship DYNAMIC was quite codependant, we had periods of non dependancy where we were both very happy with each other. 

september 2020 she finds faith in God, I had already been a christian for 9 years (she still has faith now even though she dumped me), we also get pregnant

the last 6 months of the relationship were bad, I was struggling so much with my mental health and she became like my watch nurse and carer, (lost attraction, became resentful)

she dumped me and then gave birth to our daughter

2 months on, my mental health is alot better and I feel happier

when things were good, they were AMAZING, we had so much sexual and intellectual chemistry and both wanted to marry each other

when things were bad, they were HELLISHLY AWFUL, we both were miserable and I felt suicidal for most of the relationship

Why am I posting here when I already the know answers to this question? I DONT KNOW, I feel like things could be great again, I dont know why she would choose to be a single mum rather than work on the relationship, because there IS potential for happiness there 

[Benji1991]

this is probably the part of the breakup thats the most difficult and keeping me stuck and unable to move on, my ex is attractive, no one Ive asked has denied that

she also found me attractive, how do I know that? she was always wet when around me, I didnt need foreplay she was always ready, and she described me as gorgeous and handsome

those are the only things I can think of to believe she found me attractive

but I feel like now shes gone she was too good for me, and that I wont anyone else as attractive as her

 

we were attracted to each other sexually, intellectually and emotionally, its not too easy to find someone who ticks all those boxes is it?

When she broke up with me, she obviously had convinced herself that finding someone who she finds attractive sexually, emotionally and intellectually is EASY, maybe it is, maybe it isnt

but she took that risk and Im wondering how I can get myself to a place where I see her as replaceable?

1 year relationship, dumped 2 months ago, we were engaged, we have a child together

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I dont know why she would choose to be a single mum rather than work on the relationship

Because your relationship was not functional and she was not happy. 

She knows you are better off apart than together, especially with a small child in the mix. It's not healthy to raise kids in such a dysfunctional household. She evidently feels more at peace apart than together. I get that it hurts and you don't understand her perspective, but she does not see potential for a happy, long-term future with you. She is happier as a single mother. 

Continue working on getting yourself healthy and being a good dad. That is what's most important here. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I was struggling so much with my mental health and she became like my watch nurse and carer.

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Does she live with her parents?

Are you both working? Make sure you get court ordered visitation/custody and child support payments.

Focus on co-parenting. 

She's not your nurse or therapist. You need to get to a physician for an evaluation of the mental health issues and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

She has a child to take care of, she can't babysit a BF.

[Benji1991]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is she? Does she live with her parents?

Are you both working? Make sure you get court ordered visitation/custody and child support payments.

Focus on co-parenting. 

She's not your nurse or therapist. You need to get to a physician for an evaluation of the mental health issues and a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

She has a child to take care of, she can't babysit a BF.

I understand it, but it seems like she was able to skip grieving the loss of the marriage and future we wanted, how has she done that? I need to know the formula so I can move on quickly aswell

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

she was able to skip grieving the loss of the marriage and future we wanted

She's not "grieving" anything. There was no future and no marriage. There was too much too soon, toxicity and unfortunately an unplanned preganacy.

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I can get myself to a place where I see her as replaceable?

It's better to focus on getting to a place of self respect through self improvement. As the mother of your child, she's not disposable or replaceable . You're stuck together through this. Focus on being a respectable father.

[Benji1991]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's not "grieving" anything. There was no future and no marriage. There was too much too soon, toxicity and unfortunately an unplanned preganacy.

 

wherever there is a a deep emotional connection and bond there will be grief 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

wherever there is a a deep emotional connection and bond there will be grief 

True, but when someone leaves an unhappy toxic relationship there is relief.

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

True, but when someone leaves an unhappy toxic relationship there is relief.

its a strange situation because I felt relief aswell when she dumped me, after the dependancy died down alot, i realised I no longer needed her but still wanted her

for her the situation is different, now she has our baby to look after, she no longer wants OR needs me. 

[d0nnivain]

A new mother doesn't want a potentially good partner.  She wants the guy who can get it done now.  She walked away because she felt more like your mother than your SO.  She didn't want 2 children (you & the baby).  She wanted to focus on the new born & it was easier to do that alone rather than having to nurture a helpless infant & deal with your issues.  

Step back.  Continue to address your mental health.  Pray, since you are Christian.  Be a good father to your child.  Have the grace & wisdom of Jesus' earthly father, Joseph, & let her go.  You think she skipped the grieving process but you don't know that.  Her ability to put on a happy face for the world is her protecting your child.  She is probably upset because she never wanted to be a single parent.  She wanted a family unit but had to forego that when you weren't holding up your end & were more of a burden than an asset.  

Edited June 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

A new mother doesn't want a potentially good partner.  She wants the guy who can get it done now.  She walked away because she felt more like your mother than your SO.  She didn't want 2 children.  She wanted to focus on the new born & it was easier to do that alone rather than having to nurture a helpless infant & deal with your issues.  

Step back.  Continue to address your mental health.  Pray, since you are Christian.  Be a good father to your child.  Have the grace & wisdom of Jesus' earthly father, Joseph, & let her go.  

and if, by some miracle, we cross paths again in 2 years time and we are both single, I have made great progress in addressing my trauma, and the chance to be the family we always wanted reveals itself, would it be reasonable to assume she might want to try again?

ofcourse not, because for the most part people lack the emotional maturity to let go and see what happens, they would prefer to hold out hope for the perfect relationship where there is no strife

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

and if, by some miracle, we cross paths again in 2 years time and we are both single, I have made great progress in addressing my trauma, and the chance to be the family we always wanted reveals itself, would it be reasonable to assume she might want to try again?

We can't tell you that. 

Sometimes one time around in a dysfunctional relationship is enough to extinguish any desire for a reconciliation. It's best not to hedge any bets on that,  to be honest.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Benji1991 said:

it seems like she was able to skip grieving the loss of the marriage and future we wanted, how has she done that? I need to know the formula so I can move on quickly aswell

This isn't possible, simply because the healing process for a dumper and a dumpee are dramatically different. 

You and she had very  different experiences of this relationship, and very different experiences of its end. Thus, you are inherently going to have very different processes in recovering. She wanted out and was already emotionally detached enough from you to end it even though you have an infant together. That tells me she was very unhappy, as most women would not take the decision lightly to leave their child's father so soon after giving birth. 

In other words, she lost the desire for a marriage and future with you a while ago. That's why she isn't grieving it - she doesn't need to. That's hard to come to terms with, but I am quite sure that's what you are dealing with her. 

[d0nnivain]

14 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

and if, by some miracle, we cross paths again in 2 years time and we are both single, I have made great progress in addressing my trauma, and the chance to be the family we always wanted reveals itself, would it be reasonable to assume she might want to try again?

What do you mean?  There's no serendipitous crossing paths in the future.   You two are tied together by this child FOREVER.  If she's the custodial parent, you don't have access to your child except through her.  Find a way to make co-parenting work for your child's sake.   You don't disappear out of your kid's life because you & the mom didn't work out.  You are there every day,  day in & day out, seeing your child as often as practical & paying child support, even if you don't live together as a family. unit. 

Where is this idea that you will drift apart & come back together later coming from?  Parenthood doesn't work that way.  If you bail now, 2 years later when you magically pop up again she's going to be more mad, more distrustful & less likely to give you a chance because you betrayed your obligations by pulling this disappearing act.  

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What do you mean?  There's no serendipitous crossing paths in the future.   You two are tied together by this child FOREVER.  If she's the custodial parent, you don't have access to your child except through her.  Find a way to make co-parenting work for your child's sake.   You don't disappear out of your kid's life because you & the mom didn't work out.  You are there every day,  day in & day out, seeing your child as often as practical & paying child support, even if you don't live together as a family. unit. 

Where is this idea that you will drift apart & come back together later coming from?  Parenthood doesn't work that way.  If you bail now, 2 years later when you magically pop up again she's going to be more mad, more distrustful & less likely to give you a chance because you betrayed your obligations by pulling this disappearing act.  

I say that because she has a restraining order against me haha, we wont cross paths for a long time

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

now she has our baby to look after, she no longer wants OR needs me. 

You're not an infant to look after, so it's not related .  Your child needs a father and child support. Focus on that now.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

I say that because she has a restraining order against me haha, we wont cross paths for a long time

Are you serious with this "haha"?

You clearly don't take her or this situation seriously. Unbelievable.

[d0nnivain]

If she has a restraining order against you this is OVER.  There is no coming back from that ever.  Restraining orders exist forever. If you talk to her in 2 years you will still be in violation.  

You best consult with a lawyer about your child, visitation & support.  Or are you abandoning the kid too?  If so, again through a lawyer see if you can terminate your parental rights so that she & the baby are free to move on.  

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

I say that because she has a restraining order against me haha, we wont cross paths for a long time

That's ok. You still have to pay child support however you probably won't get granted visitation.

[Benji1991]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

If she has a restraining order against you this is OVER.  There is no coming back from that ever.  Restraining orders exist forever. If you talk to her in 2 years you will still be in violation.  

You best consult with a lawyer about your child, visitation & support.  Or are you abandoning the kid too?  If so, again through a lawyer see if you can terminate your parental rights so that she & the baby are free to move on.  

well actually the order needs to be renewed every year so it would be her choice to renew it or not 

[Benji1991]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You still have to pay child support however you probably won't get granted visitation.

I am being offered visitation.

[Blind-Sided]

5 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I dont know why she would choose to be a single mum rather than work on the relationship, because there IS potential for happiness there 

Sure... but there is a lot of potential to just be miserable also. 

You can't spend your life with someone you can't get along with, regardless if there is a kid involved.  

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

well actually the order needs to be renewed every year so it would be her choice to renew it or not 

Still, once things get this far that there have to be cops & courts, it's not worth trying to put back together. 

 

3 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

I am being offered visitation.

Fight for your visitation rights & love your child.  

Meanwhile do what you have to do to get your head on straight & build a life for yourself without her but with your child.  

[Benji1991]

21 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't possible, simply because the healing process for a dumper and a dumpee are dramatically different. 

You and she had very  different experiences of this relationship, and very different experiences of its end. Thus, you are inherently going to have very different processes in recovering. She wanted out and was already emotionally detached enough from you to end it even though you have an infant together. That tells me she was very unhappy, as most women would not take the decision lightly to leave their child's father so soon after giving birth. 

In other words, she lost the desire for a marriage and future with you a while ago. That's why she isn't grieving it - she doesn't need to. That's hard to come to terms with, but I am quite sure that's what you are dealing with her. 

She messaged me alot in the days prior to her breaking up with me, telling me she was desperate for me to get better and for us to be a family, she said she loved me and couldnt see herself with anyone else, I dont know why she was still wrestling when she was already detached