Why can't the dumper see the potential

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Benji1991 said:

She messaged me alot in the days prior to her breaking up with me, telling me she was desperate for me to get better and for us to be a family, she said she loved me and couldnt see herself with anyone else

Well, apparently whatever happened that landed you with a restraining order changed her mind. 

The point is that it's over for good, and you need to move on. There is no coming back from something as serious as this. 

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, apparently whatever happened that landed you with a restraining order changed her mind. 

The point is that it's over for good, and you need to move on. There is no coming back from something as serious as this. 

"there is no coming back from something as serious as this"

thats true, if both people choose to believe its true, we have free will in life

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

thats true, if both people choose to believe its true, we have free will in life

OP, be realistic. 

The chances that this woman will one day want you back after she went so far as to file a restraining order against you are slim to none. As I said before, you don't seem to really understand the gravity of this. 

Is that how you wound up legally ordered to stay away from her? Because you weren't really getting that it was over and that she was serious abou it?

Edited June 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Benji1991]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, be realistic. 

The chances that this woman will one day want you back after she went so far as to file a restraining order against you are slim to none. As I said before, you don't seem to really understand the gravity of this. 

Is that how you wound up legally ordered to stay away from her? Because you weren't really getting that it was over and that she was serious abou it?

in truth, she went to a womens refuge because I was being psychologically and emotionally abusive, she maintained, and her mother maintained that she DIDNT want the relationship to end but she wanted to get away from the toxic situation for the sake of our baby (in reality she may have said that just to appease me)

 

after she fled, I responded in anger by destroying an item of her property, messaging her family incessantly, and threatening revenge porn

Edited June 29, 2021 by Benji1991

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Benji1991 said:

in truth, she went to a womens refuge because I was being psychologically and emotionally abusive, she maintained, and her mother maintained that she DIDNT want the relationship to end but she wanted to get away from the toxic situation for the sake of our baby

after she fled, I responded in anger by destroying an item of her property, messaging her family incessantly, and threatening revenge porn

And you wonder why she sees no potential in you and is not grieving you?

And you also wonder if maybe you could back together someday?

Really?

Edited June 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Benji1991]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you wonder why she sees no potential in you and is not grieving you?

And you also wonder if maybe you could back together someday?

Really?

She may not see any potential in me now, and she is quite right in not wanting to be with me, but one day I hope to atleast earn back her respect, by working on myself and being a good dad

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Benji1991 said:

She may not see any potential in me now, and she is quite right in not wanting to be with me, but one day I hope to atleast earn back her respect, by working on myself and being a good dad

Perhaps but please be realistic.  That process takes YEARS, not a few weeks or months.  You can't count on her to wait that long.  

Who know?  Maybe when you get healthy you will realize that she's not all that you think she is now, when you are broken / in a bad place / need work.  

[Benji1991]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Perhaps but please be realistic.  That process takes YEARS, not a few weeks or months.  You can't count on her to wait that long.  

Who know?  Maybe when you get healthy you will realize that she's not all that you think she is now, when you are broken / in a bad place / need work.  

thats true, my first girlfriend, It took me years to recover from that breakup, and I struggled to let go and idealised her because of the unhealthy dependancy I had on her, but now looking back

I realise we were both not right for each other, there was no sexual chemistry and she wasnt as commited as me. 

this most recent breakup is a bit harder to deal with, she came to faith in God during our relationship which is very meaningful (she still has faith now), we had alot of sexual chemistry and we fundamentally clicked in our personalities  and were both equally commited. (sadly my behaviour ruined it)

so yes, I expect one day il look back and wonder what all the fuss was about, but for now, I know I did deeply love that woman and still do

Edited June 29, 2021 by Benji1991

[d0nnivain]

Because your faith is important to you, turn to God as you struggle.  Pray for peace, wisdom, insight & grace. Let God be part of your healing process.  

 

Try this: 

Heavenly Father, I bring before you this increasingly difficult relationship that I am in and pray that by Your grace, I may be willing to learn the lessons that You would teach me through this problematic time. Lord, I know that relationships are not always easy, but we seem to have slid into a constant cycle of hostility and accusations. Forgive me for the part I have played in developing this bitterness and ill-feeling between us, and I pray that You would help me repent of this wrong attitude, and turn right away from my own natural, fleshly reactions and start to walk in spirit and truth. Lord, I know that I cannot do this in my own strength but only in the power of the Holy Spirit. And so Lord, I pray that I may be willing to listen to Your promptings and to submit to Your training and chastening hand on my life.

Help me each day to lay my life before You and to search my own heart, so that I may identify any seeds of my own bitterness and hostility – and I pray that I may be honest in my assessment of my own faults and failings. Teach me Your way and endow me with wisdom, grace and counsel, so that the damage to our relationship may be repaired by Your grace. Help me to live my life as the person that You would have me be, and in a manner that is pleasing in Your sight.

Guard my heart and all that proceeds from my lips, and may my words be seasoned with salt and pleasing to the Father. Thank You, Lord, that You are a God Who hears and answers the prayers of Your children, and I pray that you would graciously renew a right spirit, within this relationship. In Jesus' name I pray,

Source: https://prayer.knowing-jesus.com/Relationship-Prayers

Edited June 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Benji1991]

19 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Because your faith is important to you, turn to God as you struggle.  Pray for peace, wisdom, insight & grace. Let God be part of your healing process.  

 

Try this: 

Heavenly Father, I bring before you this increasingly difficult relationship that I am in and pray that by Your grace, I may be willing to learn the lessons that You would teach me through this problematic time. Lord, I know that relationships are not always easy, but we seem to have slid into a constant cycle of hostility and accusations. Forgive me for the part I have played in developing this bitterness and ill-feeling between us, and I pray that You would help me repent of this wrong attitude, and turn right away from my own natural, fleshly reactions and start to walk in spirit and truth. Lord, I know that I cannot do this in my own strength but only in the power of the Holy Spirit. And so Lord, I pray that I may be willing to listen to Your promptings and to submit to Your training and chastening hand on my life.

Help me each day to lay my life before You and to search my own heart, so that I may identify any seeds of my own bitterness and hostility – and I pray that I may be honest in my assessment of my own faults and failings. Teach me Your way and endow me with wisdom, grace and counsel, so that the damage to our relationship may be repaired by Your grace. Help me to live my life as the person that You would have me be, and in a manner that is pleasing in Your sight.

Guard my heart and all that proceeds from my lips, and may my words be seasoned with salt and pleasing to the Father. Thank You, Lord, that You are a God Who hears and answers the prayers of Your children, and I pray that you would graciously renew a right spirit, within this relationship. In Jesus' name I pray,

Source: https://prayer.knowing-jesus.com/Relationship-Prayers

this is a comment I just wrote on my facebook

 

 its all about trusting God, if one day i end up having a family with the mother of my child, then God has blessed it, if I dont, then God has not blessed it

The ultimate outcome of this sordid affair has nothing to do with the circumstances surrounding the seperation, and everything to do with Gods will

If she has a relationship with God, the hurt will be healed and forgiveness will be extended, we will have a clean slate. if not, then is it in my interest to marry a non christian? Ofcourse not

So I say again to drill it home in my head

the ultimate outcome of this situation has nothing to do with the actions/circumstances of the breakup and everything to do with Gods perfect and loving will.

and I remind myself that even when i first met that girl, that girl who I found so lovely and wonderful, he told me 3 times to let it go and seek him, perhaps for both of our sakes

wether he meant forever or not, only he can answer

One thing ive known, whatever decision he has made about an area of my life, I have never looked back and wished for a different outcome. He knows what he is doing

it is a shame though, because I know, and she knows, that we will never find a connection as beautiful as we had with anyone. we have both lost out here, no matter how much we try to justify our decisions to escape the haunting whispers of "what if"

[Pumpernickel]

With reference to your original question: I don't see any potential here, period. I do see a lot of drama and poor decision-making in that past relationship, however. One example would be to have a child right away. I mean, the relationship started in May 2020, and you already have an infant?? That doesn't look like a solid relationship where both partners think things through thoroughly.

That being said, I can totally see her coming back. With all that drama, emotional abuse and codependency – many women who get into relationships of that type aren't necessarily healthy themselves. So I am in no way convinced that this is over for good. It has nothing to do with "potential", though. More like unhealthy relationship dynamics.

[Benji1991]

11 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

With reference to your original question: I don't see any potential here, period. I do see a lot of drama and poor decision-making in that past relationship, however. One example would be to have a child right away. I mean, the relationship started in May 2020, and you already have an infant?? That doesn't look like a solid relationship where both partners think things through thoroughly.

That being said, I can totally see her coming back. With all that drama, emotional abuse and codependency – many women who get into relationships of that type aren't necessarily healthy themselves. So I am in no way convinced that this is over for good. It has nothing to do with "potential", though. More like unhealthy relationship dynamics.

The foundation of potential is the attraction, sexual compatibility, emotional compatibility, spiritual compatibility

the dysfunction is the cancer that blocks the foundations from bearing good fruit, if the cancer can be destroyed with therapy and learning then I see potential still there

Edited June 29, 2021 by Benji1991

[BaileyB]

12 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I dont know why she would choose to be a single mum rather than work on the relationship, because there IS potential for happiness there 

There is also the potential for hellishly awful, and that would make me walk away. You say that you were suicidal for much of the relationship, that takes a toll on the other partner. It’s not hard to understand why she would walk away and the possibility that it could be good again would not be enough for me to want to re-engage in this relationship. 

Kindly, this relationship is measured in months, not years. You should still be enjoying the wonderful excitement of the honeymoon phase - you are talking codependency, mental health issues, suicidal ideation, and the stress of an unplanned pregnancy. One would have to be pretty committed after just a few months to attend therapy and rebuild this relationship. When a relationship is this “new” and there are warning signs such as these, the best decision is to walk away… 

Best to work now of being the best co parents you can be and take care of your mental health. 

Edited June 29, 2021 by BaileyB

[Benji1991]

20 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There is also the potential for hellishly awful, and that would make me walk away. You say that you were suicidal for much of the relationship, that takes a toll on the other partner. It’s not hard to understand why she would walk away and the possibility that it could be good again would not be enough for me to want to re-engage in this relationship. 

Kindly, this relationship is measured in months, not years. You should still be enjoying the wonderful excitement of the honeymoon phase - you are talking codependency, mental health issues, suicidal ideation, and the stress of an unplanned pregnancy. One would have to be pretty committed after just a few months to attend therapy and rebuild this relationship. When a relationship is this “new” and there are warning signs such as these, the best decision is to walk away… 

Best to work now of being the best co parents you can be and take care of your mental health. 

fair comment, I'm not convinced that either of us are nessecarily ready for a healthy relationship, after all, we were both unhealthy enough to jump into a shitstorm of dysfunction and she only bailed when childrens services gave her an ultimatum, leave the relationship, or lose the baby.

 

[Wiseman2]

58 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

she only bailed when childrens services gave her an ultimatum, leave the relationship, or lose the baby.

She did the right thing getting a restraining order.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Benji1991 said:

 she only bailed when childrens services gave her an ultimatum, leave the relationship, or lose the baby.

What did you really expect her to do?  Are you so selfish that you want your child to be put into "the system" & a foster home just so you can get laid regularly?  

As for your potential for a good foundation, it all starts from having a healthy stable partner.  You admittedly weren't that.  So there is no foundation & there is no potential.  

Your baby mama stepped up & acted responsibly to protect & love her child.  When you start doing that your wish list about potential will have more meaning.  

Edited June 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, Benji1991 said:

when childrens services gave her an ultimatum,

That sounds odd. Who called CS on her? 

[Benji1991]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

What did you really expect her to do?  Are you so selfish that you want your child to be put into "the system" & a foster home just so you can get laid regularly?  

As for your potential for a good foundation, it all starts from having a healthy stable partner.  You admittedly weren't that.  So there is no foundation & there is no potential.  

Your baby mama stepped up & acted responsibly to protect & love her child.  When you start doing that your wish list about potential will have more meaning.  

I didnt comment on how I felt about her bailing

[Benji1991]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

What did you really expect her to do?  Are you so selfish that you want your child to be put into "the system" & a foster home just so you can get laid regularly?  

As for your potential for a good foundation, it all starts from having a healthy stable partner.  You admittedly weren't that.  So there is no foundation & there is no potential.  

Your baby mama stepped up & acted responsibly to protect & love her child.  When you start doing that your wish list about potential will have more meaning.  

she isnt stable or healthy either, thus I mentioned the codependancy, it takes two to tango

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

fair comment, I'm not convinced that either of us are nessecarily ready for a healthy relationship, after all, we were both unhealthy enough to jump into a shitstorm of dysfunction and she only bailed when childrens services gave her an ultimatum, leave the relationship, or lose the baby.

 

Based on that comment, I’m not sure that either of you have the right to be a parent. But, here you are… At least she had the good sense to make a different decision when threatened with the possibility that she could lose custody of her child. 

You brought a child into this world that did not ask to be here. Respectfully, your ability to dally in an unhealthy relationship and hope for the best with therapy or whatever are done… you have a responsibility to your child now. 

[basil67]

You asked why the dumper can't see the potential.

She CAN see the potential - the potential to lose custody of the child if she stays with you.  

[Blind-Sided]

22 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

1) She may not see any potential in me now, and she is quite right in not wanting to be with me, but one day I hope to atleast earn back her respect,

2) by working on myself and being a good dad

1)  Who cares?  There are a lot of other women out there.  You messed up... it's in the past. move on. Even 20 years from now, when you are sitting at your kid's wedding... if she says something positive... it doesn't mean that's what she is actually thinking.

2) You need to do that for you, and your kid... not for anyone else.

[Coup La-La]

Do you think being in quarantine might've affected how you related to each other? either good or bad

[Benji1991]

I chased my ex for 3 months after the breakup and gave her all the power, stroked her ego and made myself out to be an option

if I go into radio silence now will it be effective in making her experience the loss?

[glows]

That’s very manipulative and you look petty. The better idea is to actually and truly move on because things didn’t work out between the both of you. 

Genuinely repair your self-worth and engage in more worthy pursuits, your hobbies, catch up with friends. When you’re ready, date other women. This relationship is over so be practical and more realistic about how you go about things.