Why can't the dumper see the potential

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

That’s very manipulative and you look petty. The better idea is to actually and truly move on because things didn’t work out between the both of you. 

Genuinely repair your self-worth and engage in more worthy pursuits, your hobbies, catch up with friends. When you’re ready, date other women. This relationship is over so be practical and more realistic about how you go about things.

i guess it is manipulative but human psychology unfortunately has be taken into account when you want to make something work

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

i guess it is manipulative but human psychology unfortunately has be taken into account when you want to make something work

If she’s healthy she will see through you like glass. Don’t do it as it reflects poorly on you. Be free and meet others.

Edited August 2, 2021 by glows

[Benji1991]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

If she’s healthy she will see through you like glass. Don’t do it as it reflect poorly on you. Be free and meet others.

perhaps your right, but the fact remains her ego was stroked, I shall atleast refrain from doing so going forward. so she can experience the consequences of the breakup like I did

[glows]

21 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

perhaps your right, but the fact remains her ego was stroked, I shall atleast refrain from doing so going forward. so she can experience the consequences of the breakup like I did

And spend your time getting over the relationship instead of plotting emotional revenge. This really does not look good in the long run and you will run the risk of appearing obsessed and inappropriate. If you dislike her or don’t see her as an adequate partner, do truly move on. 

Remove her from social media links and delete her contact. There’s no reason to stay in contact with her. Seeing you wish to pursue her further or engrossed in her downfall will turn off healthy individuals. She will find more reason to want nothing to do with you. Be free. Also, in doing so, you may be kind to yourself and give yourself the opportunity to actually be happy.

[d0nnivain]

59 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

if I go into radio silence now will it be effective in making her experience the loss?

No.   It's not about her experiencing loss.  For her, she ended a relationship that wasn't working for her. 

Going radio silent now will help you to process the loss & will let you heal to move forward.   You have to accept that it's over.  You get to grieve but then you pick yourself up & move on.  

[Benji1991]

30 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

No.   It's not about her experiencing loss.  For her, she ended a relationship that wasn't working for her. 

Going radio silent now will help you to process the loss & will let you heal to move forward.   You have to accept that it's over.  You get to grieve but then you pick yourself up & move on.  

I've done the grieving, reached a place of acceptance where Im happy wether she comes back or not, applied to university, hit the gym, working on my music production again, seeing friends again, going to church, working with therapists and learning better relationship skills

but lo and behold

I still love her. 

and she still loves me. 

so the possibility of reconcilation isnt something il close the door on completely. but letting the cards fall where they may

[d0nnivain]

49 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

I still love her. 

and she still loves me. 

so the possibility of reconcilation isnt something il close the door on completely. but letting the cards fall where they may

You are broken up.  Where in there is evidence that she still loves you?  

[Benji1991]

If she loved me at any point, then she still does. no one can switch off their feelings like a light switch, if indeed she doesn't love me now, the father of her child, the man she not so long ago was desperate for me to change and us to be a family (we have a 6 week old daughter) then she never did

[glows]

31 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

If she loved me at any point, then she still does. no one can switch off their feelings like a light switch, if indeed she doesn't love me now, the father of her child, the man she not so long ago was desperate for me to change and us to be a family (we have a 6 week old daughter) then she never did

Does she respect you? Aim for mutual respect. If it’s lacking you’ll find any reconciliation difficult or it becomes a shadow of what it might have been. 

Why is it so important to you to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? 

[Benji1991]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Does she respect you? Aim for mutual respect. If it’s lacking you’ll find any reconciliation difficult or it becomes a shadow of what it might have been. 

Why is it so important to you to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? 

its not particularly, but we have a child and I don't understand her mentality when the issues we faced are fixable. 

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

its not particularly, but we have a child and I don't understand her mentality when the issues we faced are fixable. 

From your previous thread, many may argue they are not fixable. Keep working on yourself and focus on being a good dad. Harassing or stalking the other parent isn’t a good idea.

[d0nnivain]

26 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

its not particularly, but we have a child and I don't understand her mentality when the issues we faced are fixable. 

The issues you face are NOT fixable!!!!!  She has a RESTRAINING ORDER against you.  The Court has said the child you share can't be around you & neither can she. This is way beyond some simple break up.  

Your best bet is to let her go for your kid's sake.  Pay your child support.  Stay in therapy.  Continue with your faith.  

In a few years, maybe, you will be allowed to interact with your kid & can talk about getting the FRO dissolved.  At this point any attempt by you to talk to her will violate the Order & land you in jail.  You don't need a record on top of everybody else.  

Maybe she loved you at one time but now she must CHOOSE to keep you out of her life for the sake of your child.  Stop making things harder.  Let go.  Focus on yourself & do the right thing.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I chased my ex for 3 months after the breakup and gave her all the power, stroked her ego and made myself out to be an option. if I go into radio silence now will it be effective in making her experience the loss?

It depends on why you broke up. No contact is not a tool to get your ex back and power struggles are probably a factor in why this ended.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Taramere]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

The issues you face are NOT fixable!!!!!  She has a RESTRAINING ORDER against you.  The Court has said the child you share can't be around you & neither can she. This is way beyond some simple break up.  

 

Wow, I just read that thread.

OP, somebody getting a restraining order against you is not just another move in some chess style power play.  It's a clear statement that says "this person has no boundaries, refuses to accept my boundaries and is pestering me to the point where I fear for my safety and need the authorities to intervene"  You going silent isn't some strategy that will get her interested again.  It's something you have to do because you've been ordered to do so by the court.  Depending on the law where you live, potentially you could be arrested and even spend time in prison for breaching an order like that.

[Benji1991]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

The issues you face are NOT fixable!!!!!  She has a RESTRAINING ORDER against you.  The Court has said the child you share can't be around you & neither can she. This is way beyond some simple break up.  

Your best bet is to let her go for your kid's sake.  Pay your child support.  Stay in therapy.  Continue with your faith.  

In a few years, maybe, you will be allowed to interact with your kid & can talk about getting the FRO dissolved.  At this point any attempt by you to talk to her will violate the Order & land you in jail.  You don't need a record on top of everybody else.  

Maybe she loved you at one time but now she must CHOOSE to keep you out of her life for the sake of your child.  Stop making things harder.  Let go.  Focus on yourself & do the right thing.  

where did you get that info from? the courts arent involved and I will be seeing my child in a weeks time

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

I don't understand her mentality when the issues we faced are fixable. 

No, they really aren't. 

What you outlined in your last thread on her and this whole mess of a relaitonship are not fixable. 

That's what you are failing to understand. 

[basil67]

While you view your previous actions as "ego stroking" rather than scaring/driving her crazy to the point she needed a restraining order, you still have a long way to go before you can have a healthy relationship.  At this point, you're nowhere near ready for a relationship.

[Acacia98]

15 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

i guess it is manipulative but human psychology unfortunately has be taken into account when you want to make something work

Lemme describe the impression I get when I read your words here and in that earlier discussion someone linked to: You come across as an entitled manipulator who wants an object (her) to fit into your grand plan. I haven't read anything that would lead me to believe you actually empathize with the mother of your child.

And your description of the love you expect her to show you sounds like martyrdom: you seem to play down the impact of the negative experiences you say you subjected her to. You sound like you expect her to just brush them off and take you back if she loves you. Is that really how love works?

[Benji1991]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, they really aren't. 

What you outlined in your last thread on her and this whole mess of a relaitonship are not fixable. 

That's what you are failing to understand. 

let me translate that for you

"i've read the last thread and come to a conclusion, based on nothing other than the text I read on this website, that you are unwilling and unable to make healthier relationship choices in the future"

[ExpatInItaly]

23 minutes ago, Benji1991 said:

let me translate that for you

"i've read the last thread and come to a conclusion, based on nothing other than the text I read on this website, that you are unwilling and unable to make healthier relationship choices in the future"

Wrong, but solid try. 

It has little to do with you being capable of change. It's unfixable because of the serious damage already done and the consequences of it. I am not sure why you have such difficulty understanding that, other than your ego not being able to accept that she might not want you anymore. 

And of course we are all basing our thoughts on the text we read on this website - the text you wrote. You can't expect anything more when you are providing the only information we can go by. At the end of the day, our opinions don't change anything for you. She is still opting not to be with you. That is what matters and what you need to pay attention to. 

[Benji1991]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wrong, but solid try. 

It has little to do with you being capable of change. It's unfixable because of the serious damage already done and the consequences of it. I am not sure why you have such difficulty understanding that, other than your ego not being able to accept that she might not want you anymore. 

And of course we are all basing our thoughts on the text we read on this website - the text you wrote. You can't expect anything more when you are providing the only information we can go by. At the end of the day, our opinions don't change anything for you. She is still opting not to be with you. That is what matters and what you need to pay attention to. 

Then so be it! im not responsible for her life

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Benji1991 said:

 im not responsible for her life

You're responsible for child support even if she has a restraining order against you.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

Then so be it! im not responsible for her life

Yes, exactly. 

She made a choice. You need to work on accepting that, and understanding that she does not want you to be responsible for her life. 

Edited August 3, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[d0nnivain]

7 hours ago, Benji1991 said:

where did you get that info from? the courts arent involved and I will be seeing my child in a weeks time

I got the idea that you can't see your child or her from your earlier posts.  Only courts can issue restraining orders. Since she has one, the courts must be involved. 

 

On 6/29/2021 at 7:44 AM, Benji1991 said:

I say that because she has a restraining order against me haha, we wont cross paths for a long time

 

On 6/29/2021 at 8:12 AM, Benji1991 said:

in truth, she went to a womens refuge because I was being psychologically and emotionally abusive, she maintained, and her mother maintained that she DIDNT want the relationship to end but she wanted to get away from the toxic situation for the sake of our baby (in reality she may have said that just to appease me)

 

after she fled, I responded in anger by destroying an item of her property, messaging her family incessantly, and threatening revenge porn

 

You haven't even begin to do the YEARS worth of work necessary for you to be a good partner. The 3 months of chasing is evidence of that.  Do what is best for everybody & stay away from your EX but still maintain a relationship with your child.  Based on the above I'm surprised you are not on supervised visitation.