Partner has re-started smoking - I hate it

[Loz21]

Back story:

Me and my partner C have been together 2years in August and when we started dating he was a vaper who previously smoked. He recently bought a pack of cigarettes when his vape broke while working to get him through the day. Once the pack was done he was back on the vape.

Now, a good x6 weeks later I get home to him smoking in the back garden. I said huh, fags why have you got them? He snapped 'because I wanted them" Due to his reaction i was weary about bringing it up again. I have commented on smoking, I dislike it, the smell lingers and I feel disconnected from him when he smokes - I can't just plant a smooch on him at any time because he smells and tastes of smoke.

I brought it up to him today about how I felt, and that when we started dating he was a non smoker and at the moment shows no signs of stopping. His reaction was good "you're more important to me than smoking " 

I guess my worry about it is, what if he chooses to carry on smoking?

 

Loz

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Loz21 said:

I get home to him smoking in the back garden. have commented on smoking, I dislike it, the smell lingers and I feel disconnected from him when he smokes.

Do you live together? Who's place is it?

Unfortunately all you can do is observe and decide to move out/ask him to move out. 

It's his life, his body and he can do with it whatever he wants. 

Nagging and complaining never fixes or changes anyone.

[Pumpernickel]

If he’s usually a vaper, i am sure you can convince him to go back to vaping. Or smoke cigarettes only when you’re not around. 

I had a similar problem with a now exBF a long time ago. When we started dating he smoked occasionally (never around me initially), and said he only  does in X situation. Then it got more and more all by itself, even without X situation present. It didn’t bother me too much, as he immediately brushed teeth/rinsed with mouthwash, washed his hands/face etc. right after putting the cigarette out. I didn’t smell it much TBH. He really made sure to eliminate all the bad smell. Every time.
 

After a while it got on my nerves, though. The constant interruption, you’re in the middle of dinner, he leaves the house to have a smoke, interrupting a conversation bc he wants a smoke etc. - that I really didn’t like …..

 

[Loz21]

Yes we live together (rental)

I dont want to be nagging him so I explained I've said my peace on it and its up to him. I'm hoping our chat leads him back to vaping , if not maybe I need to suggest some of things you have mentioned - brushing teeth, cleaning hands etc to make it more bearable! 

 

Thank you,

[d0nnivain]

I used to make my EX go brush his teeth before he could come near me.  I also wouldn't let him smoke inside even though he lived there too. 

After a while he quit again because it was so much of a P.I.T.A. to smoke.  

[glows]

1 hour ago, Loz21 said:

Yes we live together (rental)

I dont want to be nagging him so I explained I've said my peace on it and its up to him. I'm hoping our chat leads him back to vaping , if not maybe I need to suggest some of things you have mentioned - brushing teeth, cleaning hands etc to make it more bearable! 

 

Thank you,

What caused this change - do you know? Stress at work? How long is his work day and why is his work causing such stress? Is he also smoking on breaks with coworkers (socially)? Other issues? 

You may be able to overlook the cigarettes (many wouldn't and that is fine also) but why did he snap at you? That's unnecessary and dismissive. If he confided in you about what's happening with him or what started him on it, it might change the way you feel about this. If you both aren't communicating about what's under the surface, this isn't good. See whether you can understand what's happening. From what I'm reading you've lost touch with each other.

Edited June 29, 2021 by glows

[clia]

Quote

I guess my worry about it is, what if he chooses to carry on smoking?

Then you have to decide whether it's a dealbreaker or not.  No amount of begging and pleading from you will make him stop smoking -- it's something he has to want to do himself.  So, you either choose to accept that he's a smoker, or you choose not to accept it and you move on and find someone else.  

[Loz21]

@glows

He has been struggling with anxiety and came off tablets (feb) and chose not to continue with a therapist 😔

He initially said smoking helped.. he didn't elaborate and I didn't push it further than that. I just hoped it would be a packet and would be done but each packet has started leading to another. We generally communicate well, this is the first real disagreement we have had.

[Loz21]

@clia its just hard because he wasn't a smoker when we started dating for the first 18months or so. If he was then i wouldn't have started dating him as its a deal breaker for me. 

 

 

[glows]

39 minutes ago, Loz21 said:

@glows

He has been struggling with anxiety and came off tablets (feb) and chose not to continue with a therapist 😔

He initially said smoking helped.. he didn't elaborate and I didn't push it further than that. I just hoped it would be a packet and would be done but each packet has started leading to another. We generally communicate well, this is the first real disagreement we have had.

I'd be very wary about someone self-medicating. He's struggling but trying to cope on his own. I'm sorry this is happening but remember to stay in touch with your own health. Secondhand smoke kills so avoid it if you can. If he's irritable and frustrated it's likely not working, whatever he is doing. You have to make up your mind about whether you want to be with someone who prioritizes their health in the same way you do. I think this is more than hygiene or lingering smells. This would be a dealbreaker for me. I have ended relationships based on differences like this so take this all in stride and think big picture. 

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, Loz21 said:

He has been struggling with anxiety and came off tablets (feb) and chose not to continue with a therapist 😔He initially said smoking helped.. he didn't elaborate and I didn't push it further 

Sorry this is happening, it must seem like a bait and switch if you moved in together under the premises that he was a nonsmoker.

He's not going to quit with chatting, he's going to hide it better, to avoid nagging and drama.. 

Try not to get into  fixing mode including more nagging about what he should do. Perhaps it's time to admit you are incompatible?

[MsJayne]

Can't be done IMO. Smokers never seem to realise what they smell like, and to me, smelling like an ashtray is no less offensive than stinking of BO or having rotten breath, bad feet, etc. How would he feel if you suddenly took to spraying yourself with cheap perfume that gave him a headache? No difference. 

[FMW]

The people I know who smoke almost all want to stop and express at least a little embarrassment over it.  But they are addicted- it's not a choice that's easy to change.  

That absolutely doesn't  mean anyone else has to tolerate it. But it's unrealistic to think it will change without a really big effort on their part, and even with that it still might not be successful.  Especially if other issues like untreated anxiety are part of the picture.

Edited June 29, 2021 by FMW

[SSM3]

This is a no go for me.

My EX started smoking again, another reason I left her!

[ShyViolet]

You can't make him quit, you really can't.  You need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker or not.  For me personally, I would absolutely break up with him..... I can't tolerate the smell of smoke, it gives me a headache and it's just disgusting.  You have to decide if this bothers you enough to end the relationship.