Son's father is a narcissist

[Superstar9000]

So I’ve been “with” my son’s father going on nine years now. I say “with” because after a 2.5 year engagement, we broke up. It was like a divorce in that we split bank accounts, broke leases, returned the ring and I moved back with my parents. Anyways, a few months went by and we were trying to see if we could be friends again. We got along well enough and very shortly afterwards, I became pregnant. At first, he said he would do whatever it took and wanted to be there for the baby. He has always had an issue with my family (my parents are incredibly understanding and no one, ever, has issues with them) but he said he was going to make amends and even move in with us if that would help. That lasted a few months until he said he wanted nothing to do with the child and if I wanted HIS parents in the baby’s life, it was up to me to contact them. 
Now, this is not my bias, this is what was said and only the beginning of WTF moments. I know him tho and I know he has a undiagnosed mental illness which I strongly believe is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Does that excuse his behavior? No. But have I enabled him to act that way? Yes, which is why I’m here. 
So while I’m six months pregnant he gets a job in Hawaii and he moves away out of state (we were in California) When the time came for me to give birth, he quit his job because they wouldn’t give him enough time off. We had talked about this in length and previously decided if he wasn’t able to be there, he could come out shortly afterwards and the management opportunity he had was going to be a great advancement in his career which would ultimately be more beneficial to the child.Yeah, so he threw that out the window to be there when James was born which was special. He stayed in town for TWO WEEKS and then moved to Idaho to start a new job. He then expected me to move immediately to be with him. I told him (from the beginning even about Hawaii) that I’m not against moving but it’s not going to move until the baby is at least 4-6 months old. He berated me, called me a liar, said I’m the reason for his depression and much more all while I’m raising an infant and recovering from delivering a child. Anyways, Fast forward a year and a half and James and I were moving to be with his father. James had already flown 19 times in his life because I had paid for plane tickets to keep James and his father in contact. I felt it was important for a son to know his father which is mostly why we moved here. I felt that without coming, I would have always wondered the what if’s. Even tho in my heart, I knew it was going to be an incredibly difficult journey, I felt that I needed to give James a chance to live with his father. 
We have all been living together for a year now and it has not been easy. There’s the regular day to day stresses of raising a toddler and there’s also a lot of animosity between us parents because we never truly resolved any issues we originally broke up over and now, we also have a kid. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me and I know his father also loves him dearly. However at times, he’s definitely expressed how hard it is to be a parent - not just in a venting way but that he really wants his old life back.  He is a good dad. He plays with him, takes him to parks and museums, does art projects and has a very steady income. I just don’t know if that is enough. I don’t want do deny my child but I also want him to have every chance to succeed and I sometimes feel staying with his dad will stunt his growth. His father refuses to get any sort of help or counseling to improve our relationship and instead blames all of the problems on my parenting style and the fact I didn’t come and live with him sooner. My son is 2.5 and he still nurses and co-sleeps. We all slept together (mom, dad, and baby) but dad complained that he was always tired and never got enough sleep so I moved to another room with my son. Now his dad says it’s my fault we don’t sleep together or have sex as often anymore. His father has gotten up at night with him once in his entire life. Once. He otherwise says it’s my fault/responsibility because I decided to breastfeed and he can’t do anything about it. 
Anyways, I’m worried that the constant degrading and bickering is going to affect my son. He used the word “hate” the other day and I told his dad. His father knew immediately that was his doing because I do not use that word. James is 2.5 and very perceptive. We can have good days or weeks, but there is always another episode with his father. I’m just feeling enough is enough and I know I’m personally so tired of being constantly disrespected. I don’t want James to grow up thinking this is normal. 

[d0nnivain]

You have 2 kids.  The actual 2.5 year old & the man child sperm donor.  

You can't fix the man child especially since he doesn't think anything is wrong so your choices are live like this forever or walk.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Superstar9000 said:

 I don’t want James to grow up thinking this is normal. 

Sorry this is happening. Your role as his parent is to protect him and provide an enriching environment.

Your focus on fixing, changing, diagnosing, etc. your BF makes no sense. 

If you don't get along, move out and get court ordered child support and supervised visitation.

It's your responsibility to accept your role in chasing your BF around the county.

You're doing more harm than good insisting on sticking with this BF and pointing fingers about what a bad parent /role model he is, but what are you doing about? 

 

[glows]

It sounds like you do want your child's father in his life but are unsure what the relationship is doing to the child because of all that resentment. Decide whether you want to be with your partner or whether you want to live separately and go your separate ways. The relationship was quite broken to start. If he doesn't want to help with the sleeping schedule you'll have to do it. Don't let any arguments escalate. Are both of you working?