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He did wrong and I get blocked and snubbed


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Hi all! 
 

I'm baffled by this one! Please tell me what you would do!

I've been with my partner 10 years. We have an 8 year old daughter together and I have a son 14, from previous relationship. 
 

my partner has started a business, he’s  finding it very stressful. I have an illness leaving me unable to work. I’m in pain every day. 
 

He’s been very stressed due to the new business, I have been there for him, supporting us financially whilst he chased his dream of starting a business. I’ve been emotionally supportive too. 
 

 Month ago, he text me, saying he feels like “running away” so I replied “even from us” he replied “from everything” I got hurt by this because I’ve been supportive in every way I feel. So I replied “I do t know what to say” 

the next day he left for work and didn’t come back for over a month. He stayed with his mum. 
 

he said his reasons for leaving was to see if I cared! 
 

now, in amongst this, his mother, not once messaged me to ask how I was. Or how her granddaughter/kids were. 
 

Then about a week ago, she blocks me on Facebook, I’m at a loss. 
 

he won’t even confront her about it! 
 

I’m ready to just give up with everything to do with this ‘relationship’ 

 

I’ve done nothing wrong 🤦🏼‍♀️

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Unless your relationship with his mother was always poor and she has used this event as an excuse to cut contact,  then i guess what her son told her about you coloured her impression of you and resulted in her blocking you...

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Hi! Thank you for replying, That’s exactly what I thought, so I asked him if he had said anything at all to his mum, he said he hasn’t said a bad word about me, I don’t know 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

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3 hours ago, GemmaN said:

 he left for work and didn’t come back for over a month. He stayed with his mum.  🤦🏼‍♀️

Who owns the house?

Has this happened before? 

There's a lot missing from the story. Were you fighting?

Who pays the bills? How is the co-parenting with the 14 y/o father? Is she receiving child support?

Your concern about FB and his mother seems strange given that your partner of 10 years runs away and hides out, no?

What actually precipitated this lastest abandonment episode?

Does he have a GF on the side?

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Hi, I rent the house, it’s in both our names, but I pay the rent, I have for 6 years since moving in. The relationship with his stepson is good, they’re more like mates, than a father/son relationship. 
 

before he left we were absolutely fine, no arguing, nothing!  He’s never done this before, 

now we argue all of the time, as I’ve been left by him, the hurt is still there for me. He left a week after I found out my mum had cancer too. 
 

I don’t think there’s another woman, because when he did leave, he wouldn’t leave me alone.. texting/ringing me everyday.. 

the mother issue, I have no idea! None whatsoever! I’m so confused by it all 

 

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1 hour ago, GemmaN said:

I rent the house, it’s in both our names, but I pay the rent, I have for 6 years since moving in

Excellent. Give him adequate legal notice to get his stuff out and fully move in with his mother.

There's no need to install a lazy moocher into your place.

Do not take back someone who flees. Something is very wrong, even though you claim there isn't.

What does he mean by "he wants to run away"? 

Go to court and get child support for your shared child. 

Make sure your 14 y/o has a good relationship with his real father and his real father is paying child support.

Edited by Wiseman2
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It sounds like he cracked under all of the adult pressures:  opening a business, supporting a disabled partner, raising a daughter & helping to raise his step son.  That is a lot but him running away is a HUGE problem.  One does not do that in a mature relationship.  The idea that you are now always fighting since he returned is troubling too; it means he's not taking any responsibility for the damage & pain he caused.  He doesn't even sound contrite.  I could not live like that. 

I rarely suggest couples counseling for unmarried partners.  My feeling is that if you have to get professional help to hold your dating relationship together just end it because it's not worth the effort but you two have a decade together & a child.  

Is there anything you can do to relieve the pressure on him?  You shouldn't have to carry him like this but right now he's drowning.  I understand you are disabled & can't work but you found LS & can type, so your brain still works.  Can you help him with the books for the business?  Can you do some internet marketing for him?  Can you help write a business plan or a marketing plan?  Dollars to donuts he doesn't have these necessary planning documents or a good handle on the cash flow / profit & loss which is why the business is failing & making him stressed.  Dreaming about a new business is a road to failure.  It takes great planning & dedication.  Birthing a successful business takes hours & hours of hard work; you are always on.  

As for your beef with his mother over social media, that is so trivial in the grand scheme.  It's social media.  I get that it hurts but you gotta let it go.  It's not worth letting it eat you up inside.  I would be way more upset that she seems to have also cut off her grandchild.  She's shown her true colors -- unreliable, mean & partisan.  Leave her on the side she staked out.  Be courteous & coolly polite when forced to interact with her in the future but never go out of your way for her again, ever.  Assume everything she does is against you or has a bad ulterior motive.  Whatever you do, do not trust her.  Strike for an emotional balance along the lines of benign co-existence & mutually assured destruction.  

I'm sorry this is happening to you & hope you can find a path to whatever new reality gives you the most peace.  

 

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Hi thank you for your reply, I have offered to help him with his business, he has a business partner, (his brother in law) he’s not pulling his weight, thus leaving the admin side of the business to my partner. I’d be more than happy to help him. 
 

I don’t know what to do about my daughter with regards to the his mother, do I now just let her have what she wants (me out of the picture) and just let my daughter and partner see her? He will not stand up to his mother, he never has been able too. 
 

we really were fine before he fled. That’s why I was even more confused by it all. It seems like he was playing a game.. he even said himself that he did it to basically see if I cared! It’s petty. 
 

I look after myself, I do housework, pay all of the bills, rent, food.. he has no burdens at home, I take care of the family in every way. I’m so angry with him. I feel really let down, I’m giving all I can and it’s still not enough 🤦🏼‍♀️ 

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You should feel angry & let down.  You were abandoned by the person you were supposed to be able to count on. 

If his business partner is not pulling his weight, that can be very stressful.  It probably added to the reasons your guy cracked.  In addition, he probably can't confront the BIL, without subjecting himself to flack from his sister.  So more stress.  

Do not interfere with your child's relationship with grandma but you don't have to facilitate it either. If grandma calls hand your daughter the phone; if grandma wants to see her granddaughter, she can drive over & see her.  Don't you ferry the kid around for grandma's convenience.   If dad wants to take her to grandmas, enjoy some quiet time at home alone.  Why subject yourself to going into hostile territory?  

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Blind-Sided
1 hour ago, GemmaN said:

1) before he left we were absolutely fine, no arguing, nothing!  He’s never done this before, 

2) I don’t think there’s another woman, because when he did leave, he wouldn’t leave me alone.. texting/ringing me everyday.. 

1) That happened in my house just before the exW went nutz.  I'm not saying in the 20 years we were together we never argued... but it wasn't the issue/trigger.  

2) I thought the same thing... until I found out she was with her HS BF before she was out of the house. 

The issue is... regardless of the real reason... he left, and is not handing things correctly as an adult.  And... I'm guessing there is something deeper that you are not seeing yet. (another woman, or toxic friend) 

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Unless your relationship with his mother was always poor and she has used this event as an excuse to cut contact,  then i guess what her son told her about you coloured her impression of you and resulted in her blocking you...

I agree.

This is his mom... and she will believe him regardless.  Since I was being accessed of all kinds of bad things... originally I wanted to clear my name.  But, as I took time to cool off, and reflect... I realized that all the people in my exW's family who I wanted to talk with, were all going to side with the exW because she was blood. Eventually... I thought... "F**k it"  I never even tried to contact any of them.  It would have been a useless effort... and all those people I spent all that time with were not going to be in my life any longer. 

In contrast... when I threw my exW out of the house because she was being crazy, and cruel in front of the kids. (Screaming how I never wanted them) the first thing she did was go to my folks.  I guess she wanted them on her side... but she basically just s**t on them.  She told them that she would try and talk with me... but it never happened. 

I know it hurts... but don't even try to contact his family, or try patch things up.  It will be futile. 

You know what needs done... and I wish you peace in moving forward. 

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Pumpernickel

If it is true that you never had any major issues before, then I believe that he's been under lots of pressure lately, and was looking for an escape. 

Either way – as an adult with responsibilities, he can't just up and leave without an explanation. And he definitely badmouthed you to his family. I mean, blocked by his mother? C'mon.

As a mother yourself, you can't just let him get away with that, though. He is a father, a spouse.....and what he did was wrong all around, and he didn't even apologize, hasn't shown any remorse? Yeah, that's unacceptable. Also, the fact that he called/texted daily doesn't really mean anything. A quick phone call or a quick text is not a big effort. There could still be another love interest that you know nothing about. The way you described this whole situation makes me believe that his behavior was atypical for him, so there must be an external factor that triggered the behavior. I woulnd't preclude a fling on the side, TBH. Just keep you eyes open, and demand some more answers, before you make a decision. I, personally, would have a VERY hard time getting over this.  

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9 hours ago, GemmaN said:

He will not stand up to his mother, he never has been able too. 
 

Is this the real problem? Has he been feeling inadequate for a long time and the failing business, which was meant to make him the breadwinner, has unravelled him? It would make sense, (psychologically, a variation on trauma bonding), that he would run back to the person who made him feel inadequate in the first place, but because he can't stand up to her he's taken it out on you. If he's calling and texting every day he obviously cares, but his mother cutting contact with you does suggest he's either been badmouthing you or that for some reason she thinks you're the cause of his failure. Being as she's your daughter's grandmother I would call her and ask what the story is. Maybe he's told her you kicked him out? 

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10 hours ago, GemmaN said:

I look after myself, I do housework, pay all of the bills, rent, food.. he has no burdens at home, I take care of the family in every way.  🤦🏼‍♀️ 

Sounds like he just plugs the umbilical cord in wherever it's most convenient. Mom, then you, then mom.

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