Dealing with angry outbursts

[Jonny80]

Hi,

I’m back needing more guidance, on my previous posts regarding issues Iv managed to come to an understanding where both parties were happy to continue the relationship…

my latest problem is dealing with her angry outbursts.. my gf has previously flipped her lid several weeks back shouting at me telling me to either help her or f*** off and that she’s fed up having to ask for my help abs that I should either ask her what needs doing or use my initiative…

Iv come to learn the routines and help out more without needing to be asked and everything for a thew weeks has been plain sailing with no problems…

however last weekend she’s asking me to erect shelves in the Catio which I’m happy to do out in the sunshine as she watches in the chair sitting in the sun close by..  she then starts to gently moan about how she needs more love and affection and how she hadn’t received any in the past week, in that past week she didn’t want me to stay over because I had a head cold abs she didn’t want me keeping her awake by snoring as she needs her sleep due to her illness..

I politely said to her Iv been busy putting up shelves at her request but if she would some attention or affection she could easily walk over to me and kiss or cuddle me at anytime..  

Any how, moving on to Sunday morning she brings me a mug of tea upto bed around 8:30.  I drank the tea whilst she watched a bit of tv in bed having the odd conversation. Now rather than her touching me, kissing me or cuddling me she will grab my hand and place it on her body.. this happens all the time, she wants my hand on her as a form of affection but she never comes to me and places her hand on my leg or arm etc, im not bothered by this, what ever makes her happy I guess!?

by 9 ish I got out of bed abs she asked me to feed the dog so I did, followed by doing the dishes in the sink and then went outside and started cleaning and feeding all the cats etc.  She’s then came down stairs and had a light dig about how she wanted to be with me in bed and cuddled up. Then she gets arsy because she offers to make pancakes for breakfast which I politely said no thanks I’ll scramble the eggs I brought over yesterday for breakfast.. so it’s oh I thought we could have breakfast together and be romantic and even suggested I could of taken breakfast up to her in bed..  I explained she sent me down to feed the dog and when I had finished I started doing other jobs to save her doing them but she keeps going on about her wanting some affection. I asked her why she didn’t make the effort to cuddle or communicate that she wanted this when we laid in bed whilst I drank my tea, I wasn’t aware she expected me to go back upto bed after feeding the dog, I was using my initiative to save her doing work which 6 weeks earlier she was having ago at me for not helping etc…

After her moaning about her not getting any affection and us not eating the same breakfast together I’m kinda standing there looking out of the window feeling like what the f*** am I meant to do to please this woman.

It gets to the point that because I’m looking out of the window in disbelief as she rants at me she becomes enraged with her usual anger standing in front of me shouting, screaming and swearing at me beating her chest like a Gorilla,  when I try to speak to explain I was trying to help her by doing jobs her anger gets worse to the point she’s like I can’t do this in front of the kids and told me to get outside..  I refused to go out side and told her she needs to pipe down and stop shouting at me saying Iv done nothing wrong.   She’s relentless,    Iv become angry and frustrated myself to the point Iv had to walk out of the house get in my car and drive home to defuse the situation..

since then she has refused to accept responsibility for her angry outburst blaming it on me because I was looking out of the window when she was venting at me..  she has said sorry but she’s also saying that we’re both to blame and asked where’s my apology to her..  Iv so far refused to apologise as don’t under What I had done wrong to warrant her outburst?

she’s claiming I ran away, I explained I was defusing a volatile situation getting out of control but she doesn’t see it that way,  she said she’s never giving me the opportunity to run away again and that if I ever walk out again it will be the end..

she’s also said before she’ll let me back into her house I need to apologise to her 2 kids for running away.

she’s said that I should think my self lucky Iv got her and get 2 kids and that being with her is my last chance of happiness..   I’m the one that has been travelling 2 hours round trip driving over 600 miles a week back and fourth to see her and when i’m with her I’m constantly working for her and helping out doing her chores…  is she not lucky to have me?

pleasd advise me, have I missed something? Has me behaviour towards her been wrong, should I be doing something different?    

 

[salparadise]

36 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

She’s relentless, Iv become angry and frustrated myself to the point Iv had to walk out of the house get in my car and drive home to defuse the situation

Getting in the car and leaving was the correct way to handle this. Coming back was your big mistake.

I'm not going to write a book here detailing all the ways this is the epitome of dysfunction. I think she probably has a personality disorder, and that you are the yin for her yang so to speak. You are choosing to subject yourself to the abuse and reward her bad behavior day by day. You should make the opposite choice.

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening . It's good you don't live together. 

Don't visit her if you are not feeling well.

Can't she hire handy men to do odds and ends around her house?

Are either of you happy? You both describe a lot of  "moaning" and other contemptuous and resentful feelings.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Wiseman2

[d0nnivain]

She's one of those silly people who want to date a mind reader.  No matter what you do, she will always complain that you didn't do what she wanted because it's all about her.  I see you doing a lot for her -- shelves, feeding the dog, coming to her, doing other chores -- but what does she do for you other than bring you tea in bed?  

If she is the same woman who bragged about anal sex in the conversation with that other guy maybe it's time to end this.  If she's a new woman you need to examine why you pick bad women.  

[Fletch Lives]

She's crazy. 

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

She's one of those silly people who want to date a mind reader.  No matter what you do, she will always complain that you didn't do what she wanted because it's all about her.  I see you doing a lot for her -- shelves, feeding the dog, coming to her, doing other chores -- but what does she do for you other than bring you tea in bed?  

If she is the same woman who bragged about anal sex in the conversation with that other guy maybe it's time to end this.  If she's a new woman you need to examine why you pick bad women.  

Yes she’s the same person as other thread, we were able to come to amicable agreement regarding previous issues and we have both been happy for almost a month since this most recent episode..

[Jonny80]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening . It's good you don't live together. 

Don't visit her if you are not feeling well.

Can't she hire handy men to do odds and ends around her house?

Are either of you happy? You both describe a lot of  "moaning" and other contemptuous and resentful feelings.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes we have been happy for over a month now. I had become at peace with everything with in our relationship. We even went threw a phase of having regular sex as her illness allowed her to but she’s poorly again this week unfortunately..

 

 

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

Getting in the car and leaving was the correct way to handle this. Coming back was your big mistake.

I'm not going to write a book here detailing all the ways this is the epitome of dysfunction. I think she probably has a personality disorder, and that you are the yin for her yang so to speak. You are choosing to subject yourself to the abuse and reward her bad behavior day by day. You should make the opposite choice.

 

Is it all about her?  What about the whole Iv got to place my hand on her leg whilst sitting next to her etc, she could just as easily place her hand on my leg..  I’m guessing she feels it’s a form of affection like holding hands would be..

 

Edited June 30, 2021 by Jonny80

[d0nnivain]

You have been happy for a whole month, huh?  You really need to raise your standards. 

[Jonny80]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You have been happy for a whole month, huh?  You really need to raise your standards. 

I thought things were on the up until this happened.  She must have a history of upsetting men, her 10 year old daughter told me a while back that her mum pisses everyone off eventually and if I stick around long enough I’ll find out. Hmm maybe now is long enough.

[d0nnivain]

Yikes.  The poor 10 year old.  

[glows]

She can probably sense that you've checked out emotionally and are second guessing the relationship. Her behaviour is scary and abusive. I'm not sure why you're still around. The cycle continues because you're not convinced she's a catch. This is still no excuse to shout and yell and pressure someone into being a certain way. 

One of you has to be the bigger person and stop tolerating or perpetuating the dysfunction.

[Jonny80]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

She can probably sense that you've checked out emotionally and are second guessing the relationship. Her behaviour is scary and abusive. I'm not sure why you're still around. The cycle continues because you're not convinced she's a catch. This is still no excuse to shout and yell and pressure someone into being a certain way. 

One of you has to be the bigger person and stop tolerating or perpetuating the dysfunction.

I tolerate a lot because I’m easy going and contentive.  I was single 12 years before I met her and to be brutally honest despite the problems Iv had with this woman my life on a whole has more perpous and is more enjoyable on the whole…. Having to deal with the issues at hand have been hard and stressful but I always said providing we still loved each other and we got on 95% of the time we would work three issues together.

she is under stress at the moment, her daughter potentially needs a life saving operation and having to deal with her own illness EDS on top of that things are difficult..

putting the bad things to one side she’s an amazing person when she’s feeling well and she does give me alot of love and enjoyment..  I guess we all have our bad points..   like I said although some of her behaviour is bad the other side of her is great..   for someone of my age Iv lived a quite life and don’t have the experience I should have meaning I need guidance and opinions when things go wrong, guess it’s why I put up with more than most people would..  before I met her I was happy to be single forever but now Iv met her I enjoy being with someone, if I could sample what other relationships could be like maybe I wouldn’t be so keen to think she was worth my efforts.

[glows]

1 minute ago, Jonny80 said:

I tolerate a lot because I’m easy going and contentive.  I was single 12 years before I met her and to be brutally honest despite the problems Iv had with this woman my life on a whole has more perpous and is more enjoyable on the whole…. Having to deal with the issues at hand have been hard and stressful but I always said providing we still loved each other and we got on 95% of the time we would work three issues together.

she is under stress at the moment, her daughter potentially needs a life saving operation and having to deal with her own illness EDS on top of that things are difficult..

putting the bad things to one side she’s an amazing person when she’s feeling well and she does give me alot of love and enjoyment..  I guess we all have our bad points..   like I said although some of her behaviour is bad the other side of her is great..   for someone of my age Iv lived a quite life and don’t have the experience I should have meaning I need guidance and opinions when things go wrong, guess it’s why I put up with more than most people would..  before I met her I was happy to be single forever but now Iv met her I enjoy being with someone, if I could sample what other relationships could be like maybe I wouldn’t be so keen to think she was worth my efforts.

Since you are determined to make this work, I suggest you work on boundaries with her and be more firm. Being easy going is not an attractive trait if it means that you're grinding yourself into the ground appeasing someone else or trying to please someone else.

You mentioned that you were frustrated earlier not knowing how to please her. So stop or pause for a second and think about whether it's appropriate to do so. If she needs more quality time with her kids, keep the visits short. Communicate that you have to get other things done in your life so that your list of dos doesn't grow out of proportion. Minimize your frustrations in other areas so that you have more to give in the relationship but practice better boundaries. 

She was offering to make breakfast and that might be interpreted too as a peace offer but you rejected it to make eggs. Maybe you really wanted eggs but was it any harm having both? Come to more of a compromise when it comes to the smaller things. 

 

[Jonny80]

4 hours ago, glows said:

She was offering to make breakfast and that might be interpreted too as a peace offer but you rejected it to make eggs. Maybe you really wanted eggs but was it any harm having both? Come to more of a compromise when it comes to the smaller things. 

To be fair things hadn’t started getting out of control by this point, I normally skip breakfast..  she can be hypocritical at times, I’v opted to eat a chicken pie for dinner before rather than make sandwiches and she’s had a dig about me eating healthy food to me when the night before she ate a massive bar of chocolate and crisps so I had a joke and said so chocolate and crisps are healthy but a chicken pie for dinner is not?  I got told chocolate release happy endorphins.. anything to make right…

Even if we go out for lunch she’s trying to tell me what I’d enjoy off the menu instead of let me read it and decide for myself..

I’m now starting to challenge her and ask her questions about her behaviour towards me and I think it’s winding her up, I think it’s her way or the highway..

There’s got to be a reason I guess so many of her past relationships have failed? She tells me all men have been bad and controlling towards her? Her ex was meant to of beat her up several times and got a criminal record but she’s the one showing aggressive behaviour towards me just because I didn’t look her in the face when she was ranting about not getting enough attention from me because I was doing jobs for her that she had already had ago at me for not doing in the past.

[glows]

Keep it focused on your own relationship. It's not about her exes. Don't look for validation there because it's a rabbit hole. If it's not working between the both of you, end it. You seem to be hanging on because you may believe you won't find any better. Is this the case? She belittles you also that you should be happy and grateful to be with her and her kids. Keep coming back to you and evaluating whether you deserve to be treated this way or whether you want to continue putting up with her moods.

I mentioned boundaries in the prior post. This is also boundaries and ensuring that you stay focused on your own present/future and your own mental health. 

[Jonny80]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Keep it focused on your own relationship. It's not about her exes. Don't look for validation there because it's a rabbit hole. If it's not working between the both of you, end it. You seem to be hanging on because you may believe you won't find any better. Is this the case? She belittles you also that you should be happy and grateful to be with her and her kids. Keep coming back to you and evaluating whether you deserve to be treated this way or whether you want to continue putting up with her moods.

I mentioned boundaries in the prior post. This is also boundaries and ensuring that you stay focused on your own present/future and your own mental health. 

I have told her I’m not willing to tolerate that level of verbal abuse, if it doesn’t change I will have no choice but to walk..

i told her I was a decent guy with no baggage and that many women Would consider me a catch so she should give me the respect I deserve.. it didn’t go down well with her quoting I can I say that to someone with her illness..    I certainly didn’t feel guilty, she’s happy to rant to me about how lucky I am to have her and that I don’t know a good thing when I see it. I’m sure if she’s trying to manipulate me or if she said it out of arrogance.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Jonny80 said:

Even if we go out for lunch she’s trying to tell me what I’d enjoy off the menu instead of let me read it and decide for myself..

That's funny. Every time I go out, the waitstaff do that. Relax, you're bickering. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Jonny80 said:

I have told her I’m not willing to tolerate that level of verbal abuse, if it doesn’t change I will have no choice but to walk..

i told her I was a decent guy with no baggage and that many women Would consider me a catch so she should give me the respect I deserve.. it didn’t go down well with her quoting I can I say that to someone with her illness..    I certainly didn’t feel guilty, she’s happy to rant to me about how lucky I am to have her and that I don’t know a good thing when I see it. I’m sure if she’s trying to manipulate me or if she said it out of arrogance.

Respect is earned not demanded. You can't walk in there demanding it. If she doesn't respect you, that's your cue to leave. The reason why she responded negatively is because you were trying to assert dominance over the situation but it's no good. Try to limit that kind of talk and just see whether you both can co-exist at all. If you're butting heads constantly or there really is no mutual respect, this is a lost cause. Glad you realize this too.

[Jonny80]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

Respect is earned not demanded. You can't walk in there demanding it. If she doesn't respect you, that's your cue to leave. The reason why she responded negatively is because you were trying to assert dominance over the situation but it's no good. Try to limit that kind of talk and just see whether you both can co-exist at all. If you're butting heads constantly or there really is no mutual respect, this is a lost cause. Glad you realize this too.

To be fair I’m not always like that, I’v felt some frustration towards her for the situation she caused and how she spoke to me….    When we got on which is at least 90% of the time things are fantastic and she’s generous in so many ways, she just has this very angry volatile nature when things don’t go her way or she’s challenged….      She does push me in a positive way to make me experience and enjoy finer aspects of life..  it’s definitely not all bad..

im not sure if this is good or bad but she knows I lack experience and life skills because Iv spent most of my life living alone and not experiencing certain aspects of life, she’s well traveled and she has said she’s happy to teach me and show me the world before she becomes to ill to travel..

[glows]

3 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

To be fair I’m not always like that, I’v felt some frustration towards her for the situation she caused and how she spoke to me….    When we got on which is at least 90% of the time things are fantastic and she’s generous in so many ways, she just has this very angry volatile nature when things don’t go her way or she’s challenged….      She does push me in a positive way to make me experience and enjoy finer aspects of life..  it’s definitely not all bad..

im not sure if this is good or bad but she knows I lack experience and life skills because Iv spent most of my life living alone and not experiencing certain aspects of life, she’s well traveled and she has said she’s happy to teach me and show me the world before she becomes to ill to travel..

Yes, I married that (see in bold above). That is a character trait you can't change so steer clear of individuals who stomp around when they don't have their way or act out. Unfortunately it makes for a very unpleasant life overall and a constant rollercoaster, walking on eggshells and perpetual unease. If I may be frank she sounds like a type of mother figure to you as she appears to have taken on a parental role in the relationship and treats you like one of her kids. Perhaps you feel safe around her. I'd explore that a bit more if that's the case. Ie. question whether you really need that in your life at all.

[Acacia98]

I remembered your story about her talking about anal sex with the delivery guy, but I couldnt for the life of me remember what my response to you had been then. Anyway, I went back to read that discussion, and I came across this gem:

Quote

she said to me yesterday she appreciates I’m not as worldly wide and experienced as her and that my lack of experience makes me less mature than her.  She said because she loves me she wants to take me around the world and show my life and improve my social skills and life experience..,  I believe she loves me...  

Do you still feel as warm and fuzzy about this declaration on her part as you did back then? Do you believe she has better social skills than you when she throws tantrums and manipulates you? Do you really believe she is more mature than you?

[Jonny80]

8 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I remembered your story about her talking about anal sex with the delivery guy, but I couldnt for the life of me remember what my response to you had been then. Anyway, I went back to read that discussion, and I came across this gem:

Do you still feel as warm and fuzzy about this declaration on her part as you did back then? Do you believe she has better social skills than you when she throws tantrums and manipulates you? Do you really believe she is more mature than you?

To be fair no I don’t any more, she’s been put in hospital twice by different ment, the farther of her daughter and the farther of her boy, I don’t condone violence but i wonder if she was shouting at them in this same aggressive manner that she shouts at me but then complains when I walk away to defuse the situation, I have definitely realised everything is about her and needs to be on her terms.

[Jonny80]

9 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, I married that (see in bold above). That is a character trait you can't change so steer clear of individuals who stomp around when they don't have their way or act out. Unfortunately it makes for a very unpleasant life overall and a constant rollercoaster, walking on eggshells and perpetual unease. If I may be frank she sounds like a type of mother figure to you as she appears to have taken on a parental role in the relationship and treats you like one of her kids. Perhaps you feel safe around her. I'd explore that a bit more if that's the case. Ie. question whether you really need that in your life at all.

I don’t see her as a mother figure, if anything I’m a good influence on her whole house hold,   Her daughter said the other day to her mother when we were out having lunch “mum you’re a bad parent and Jon is a good parent because all you do is shout and get moody”.     Now considering her daughter has always been against her mum being in a relationship because she didn’t want change and witnessing her mum being abused by her ex that’s a bold statement to make.   She’s militant in her approach towards her daughter and if she were my daughter I wouldn’t allow her to be treated that way…

like I explained earlier, over the past 20 years I fell in love 3 times and never even had an argument with the 3 previous relationships but unfortunately for what ever reason 2 of them ran off with there’s ex’s and one ran off with another woman..    I was single 12 years and enjoying a stress free life but if honest I was lonely, even more so when the world went into Covid lock down..

I met the woman I’m with now via dating app and despite the problems Iv had with this person I enjoy having something else else to do with my spare time other than being alone or working..  I guess socially I’m introverted where she’s extroverted and her being bubbly when’s she’s on form is a trait I warm to..

I love her for the right reasons but if I should still be with her after her actions I’m not sure..  I’m not the type of person that breaks relationships easily and when I do it really affects me, even when after 17!years when I changed companies for work I felt down for weeks about leaving behind everything..

Other than love I’m not sure if there’s other reasons making me hold on and not walk away, I guess deep down I want it to work and for us to be happy.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Jonny80 said:

 I enjoy having something else else to do with my spare time other than being alone or working..

Are you retired? Why not round out your life more? 

Commiserating with her 10 y/o is  bad for you, the child and passive aggressive. 

You seem to get on each other's nerves. She acts out, but your undermining and seething is no better.

Step back. Get a life. Date women you get along with and respect.

[Jonny80]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you retired? Why not round out your life more? 

Commiserating with her 10 y/o is  bad for you, the child and passive aggressive. 

You seem to get on each other's nerves. She acts out, but your undermining and seething is no better.

Step back. Get a life. Date women you get along with and respect.

Iv already said tho we get on 90% of the time, it’s only when she acts out I struggle to understand why or know what to do for the best..  until recently we hadn’t had a cross word for many weeks..

everyone says to get out and leave her,  is that really what everyone does in a relationship when the other person starts acting out?  I personally feel in the modern day world with internet people dump relationships way to easy no one seems to want to work at things to improve, I feel if I can understand and compromise or even improve myself things could be better for both of us..