Ex texted me

[Johnson1]

My ex fiance sent me this. We went together almost 2 years. She was a bad drinker, belligerent, would say horrible things like 'I wish you would cheat', 'You need to be with another girl', twist things around, put words in my mouth I never said, not care about our sex life, etc. She was never apologetic about anything.  I have my own home, but lived with her after the first 5 months. Whenever she'd get drunk on the weekend she would start a fight and tell me I need to leave. She'd accuse me of cheating even though she knows I despise cheaters. She deleted texts from an sex buddy she had for 10 years, 3 months into our relationship and got mad at me for making her tell him we we're together. I never saw that she ever had contact with him after that and she said she didn't care about him, but it frazzled my trust and it was always in the back of my mind if she remained in contact with him another way that I wasn't privy to. Her doubt in me was wrong. I believe everything she said was a defense mechanism to keep from getting hurt because she had a past filled with lies and distrust, so her counteraction was to say these these things to push me away. Finally it worked. We did do online counseling to try to work on our communication. We shared many uncomfortable silences. I felt like I was on eggshells because anytime I tried to open up she would get defensive and walk away. She texted me this yesterday. What is your interpretation? Is she subtly making an attempt to reconcile or only trying to get closure out of regret?

Hi, I hope that you are doing well. You may choose to delete, ignore or even laugh this off Idk but that is ok, i am sending it because I need to, for myself.  I don't ever want you to think that you left and I didn't care. I have heard you say that numerous times about others. I care that we split and it has been really rough on me.  I have continued to hope that we could at least end it on good terms. I care about you and always will. I think that we both could have done a better job of protecting, respecting and understanding each other's hearts, trust, wants and needs and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. 💔 I do really want the best for you and hope for you to be happy. Take care.

[d0nnivain]

Her motives in sending this don't matter.  There were so many red flags in here.  Had you heeded any of them you never would have gotten engaged. Her departure from your life was a blessing.  Leave her out of your life.  

The message was lovely.  Take it as validation that she's not all bad.  Don't respond.  Delete & move on.  The chapter of your life that involved her is over.  Don't resurrect it.  If the message said something about I'm sending this to you as part of making amends through AA & I got my 1 year chip, I might tell you to see what she's all about now, sober, but it didn't.  It's just her manipulating you again.  Don't let her.  If you reach out & try to talk to her you will just get more of the same.  Why bother? 

[Blind-Sided]

It's real easy.... you broke up for a reason.  Regardless of what that reason was... it will happen again.   You feel sad, and you want the other person back... it will feel worse when it happens a second time.

A relationship is supposed to be with someone you can trust, and when that trust is gone... it never really returns. 

[Johnson1]

I know I should leave it alone, and I will. I get that she's just trying to provoke a response to manipulate to make herself feel better out of guilt. I fell in love with a narcissist. I was stupid. I have a bad habit of wearing my heart on my sleeve and it's always come back to bite me in the butt.

Edited June 30, 2021 by Vocals5

[d0nnivain]

You weren't stupid.  You were in love.  There is a difference.  

However, now you have the benefit of hindsight & all those painful things you learned over the break up.  Don't make the same mistake twice.  If you do, then you might be stupid.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Vocals5 said:

Hi, I hope that you are doing well. You may choose to delete, ignore or even laugh this off Idk but that is ok, i am sending it because I need to, for myself.  I don't ever want you to think that you left and I didn't care. I have heard you say that numerous times about others. I care that we split and it has been really rough on me.  I have continued to hope that we could at least end it on good terms. I care about you and always will. I think that we both could have done a better job of protecting, respecting and understanding each other's hearts, trust, wants and needs and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. 💔 I do really want the best for you and hope for you to be happy. Take care.

Sorry this happened. How long ago was the breakup? You know you dodged a bullet, getting rid of a drunk.

Is she in AA or rehab? Perhaps this is one of those "make amends" steps.

Or just more BS to drag out the breakup.

Either way, delete and block her from all your devices, social media and messaging apps.

[Johnson1]

22 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You weren't stupid.  You were in love.  There is a difference.  

However, now you have the benefit of hindsight & all those painful things you learned over the break up.  Don't make the same mistake twice.  If you do, then you might be stupid.  

About 5 weeks ago. She didn't drink every day. She's a top tear manager who's brilliant at her job and makes great money. It's only on the weekend (and not every weekend) that she drank. It's her personal life where she is lacking. Only a few long time gf's that she associates with here and there. She has dating a ton of men before me and used to brag about it. I don't really believe she ever cheated, but there were some strange times the way she acted and things I noticed that caused concern. Could never be certain though.

 

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How long ago was the breakup? You know you dodged a bullet, getting rid of a drunk.

Is she in AA or rehab? Perhaps this is one of those "make amends" steps.

Or just more BS to drag out the breakup.

Either way, delete and block her from all your devices, social media and messaging apps.

a

Edited June 30, 2021 by Vocals5

[Stromae]

Drinking aside I suffered through a similar relationship and eventually got a similar message completely unexpectedly

I struggled with what to do but after a lot of reflection and based on the general advice from here I decided not to reply. I still wonder from time to time if that was the right thing but ultimately you have to learn to let it go and let the relationship go. People rarely if ever fundamentally change who they are - and like you said this is for them to relieve their own guilt and try to see what they can get from you

[glows]

20 hours ago, Vocals5 said:

Is she subtly making an attempt to reconcile or only trying to get closure out of regret?

Hi, I hope that you are doing well. You may choose to delete, ignore or even laugh this off Idk but that is ok, i am sending it because I need to, for myself.  I don't ever want you to think that you left and I didn't care. I have heard you say that numerous times about others. I care that we split and it has been really rough on me.  I have continued to hope that we could at least end it on good terms. I care about you and always will. I think that we both could have done a better job of protecting, respecting and understanding each other's hearts, trust, wants and needs and for my part in that, I am truly sorry. 💔 I do really want the best for you and hope for you to be happy. Take care.

I don't think she's trying to reconcile at all. Nothing here suggests that. I don't think it's closure either. This is a case of her being butt hurt about herself because she thinks that you think she doesn't care. It's entirely about her consumed about what you think about her and nothing to do with you except the flowery part at the end. Note that she also prefaced with:  "I am sending it because I need to, for myself". 

If she did care about you, truly, she wouldn't have contacted you at all. Either way there wasn't enough trust in the relationship so consider this a good thing that it's over. Maybe mute the contact or block her if you're finding yourself emotionally attached still or having a hard time seeing these kinds of messages pop up. If you don't trust her overall, I wouldn't have that conversation. With my ex I had to be very clear and request privacy not to be contacted which was respected thankfully but not every situation is like this. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Stromae said:

People rarely if ever fundamentally change who they are - and like you said this is for them to relieve their own guilt and try to see what they can get from you

Exactly. The message was rather self-serving.

[vwisme]

As someone who's used No Contact and just meditating what a great relationship would like in my life, you shouldn't reply. You're free. Freedom's a funny thing. When you've been caged in for so long, you don't think you can walk away or you're too scared. You may not be able to se it but one day you will.

Someone may love you deeply but if they haven't done the internal work to express it in a healthy manner, they are just going to hurt the ones they love. Take some time to take care of yourself. Love yourself. 

Nothing in your message insinuates even a modicum of respect and honor. We care for you and hope you make the wise decision. One day you'll give us a sweet story of how you've been with the love of your life and you don't know what you were thinking in the past. 

[Johnson1]

On 6/30/2021 at 10:40 PM, Stromae said:

People rarely if ever fundamentally change who they are - and like you said this is for them to relieve their own guilt and try to see what they can get from you

Yes, and I know she couldn't change. It's just her personality. We have a mutual friend we've known for a long time. I've known her for 8 years and my ex has known her over 25 years. They used to hang out a lot back in the day in a small town they lived in. This friend lived with her for 6 months a few years back. After the breakup the friend hit me up on social media and asked what the heck happened. We hung out and I told her. She agreed wholeheartedly with everything I said. She told me this is what she does. She's seen her over the years with several super nice guys and she treated them like total crap. One night when my ex was drunk she told me her own mother even told her she drives good guys away. It's a pattern for her. It's unfortunate because we're both tall, we made a good looking couple and she has the most wonderful tight knit family who loved me. Almost brings me to tears typing this knowing I lost them. They are like my own family was back in the day. I'm tired. I don't think I want relationships anymore. They're going to be the death of me.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

On 7/1/2021 at 8:30 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Exactly. The message was rather self-serving.

That's what I thought. The 'I need to, for myself' part says it all. She's a big time Narcissist/Gaslighter. 

[Johnson1]

On 7/1/2021 at 2:41 AM, glows said:

I don't think she's trying to reconcile at all. Nothing here suggests that. I don't think it's closure either. This is a case of her being butt hurt about herself because she thinks that you think she doesn't care. It's entirely about her consumed about what you think about her and nothing to do with you except the flowery part at the end. Note that she also prefaced with:  "I am sending it because I need to, for myself". 

If she did care about you, truly, she wouldn't have contacted you at all. Either way there wasn't enough trust in the relationship so consider this a good thing that it's over. Maybe mute the contact or block her if you're finding yourself emotionally attached still or having a hard time seeing these kinds of messages pop up. If you don't trust her overall, I wouldn't have that conversation. With my ex I had to be very clear and request privacy not to be contacted which was respected thankfully but not every situation is like this. 

Absolutely brilliant!, especially the part where you say that she's butt hurt and her being consumed by what I think of her. You are so right on the money. GUILT!!!!! I sensed that when her and I were together. She had a guilty heir about her I couldn't put my finger on. It got to the point where anytime she did anything nice I felt that there was an underlying feeling of guilt that drove her to do it. It was a VERY damaging, toxic relationship. Head games galore. I spent most of the time wondering what was on her mind because she wouldn't open up.

Thank you for your insight.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

. It's unfortunate because we're both tall. They are like my own family was back in the day. 

Ok, try not to live in the past this much.

It's great to stay in touch with old friends, but you seem too nostalgic to be open to better things.

Let go of this ex. Stop trying to be friends. Live in the world you are in today.

[glows]

Avoid the gossip/rumour mill if at all possible. That friend who wanted all the details could just as easily turn that information against you. Avoid anyone who's willing to share the personal information of someone else so openly and after the fact, when it no longer has any bearing on your personal circumstance. You were with your ex, you saw her for what she is and that can be enough. Walk away.

It's good to hang out with friends, keep the details of your break up out of it otherwise it becomes a toxic and unhealthy to you if your mind is constantly thinking negative things about your ex. It didn't work out so I understand your frustration and even moreso with this text. Put this behind you as much as possible and be resolute about moving on.

[Johnson1]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, try not to live in the past this much.

It's great to stay in touch with old friends, but you seem too nostalgic to be open to better things.

Let go of this ex. Stop trying to be friends. Live in the world you are in today.

Thanks bro. Her and I are done. I've stonewalled her. She only texted that once and hasn't tried to call after I moved out. Unfortunately I'll probably run into her again at some point since I'm a local musician and she still occasionally goes to a few places I perform at. I'm just going to avoid her. If she comes up to me I'll probably just politely brush her off. It's a shame because you're right, I am nostalgic and sentimental. One of the traits I got from my mom that I hate. It's okay. My life is a neverending rollercoaster. It won't be long before I meet the next bar crazy and start the process all over again. lol

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Avoid the gossip/rumour mill if at all possible. That friend who wanted all the details could just as easily turn that information against you. Avoid anyone who's willing to share the personal information of someone else so openly and after the fact, when it no longer has any bearing on your personal circumstance. You were with your ex, you saw her for what she is and that can be enough. Walk away.

It's good to hang out with friends, keep the details of your break up out of it otherwise it becomes a toxic and unhealthy to you if your mind is constantly thinking negative things about your ex. It didn't work out so I understand your frustration and even moreso with this text. Put this behind you as much as possible and be resolute about moving on.

Thanks glows. I thought about all that. I was bored and needed to vent. It wasn't long before my ex hit her up to hang out because she was lonely. The friend told me through IM. The friend was upset with her. She said 'the only time she hits me up is when she needs something'. I just saw this friend briefly last night at another music venue. I didn't ask about her though. Like I told wiseman, since I'm a musician I'll probably run into her again at some point at a local bar. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5

[glows]

Why do you have to date a bar crazy. Keep it low key and chill. Meet other musicians and creatives who are serious about their work. Things will come together.

[Johnson1]

38 minutes ago, glows said:

Why do you have to date a bar crazy. Keep it low key and chill. Meet other musicians and creatives who are serious about their work. Things will come together.

I know and agree. I guess I just like having someone in my life. Gives me a feeling of direction and purpose, which is stupid because look where it's gotten me. They were all pretty and kinda hard to resist. From now on I'm just focusing on the music, working on my home, hanging out with friends and being happy. I'm not right now, but that'll change. I just have to get motivated about being free and stop wrapping my life around people. The stress of the constant ups and downs from jumping from one relationship to another is draining the life out of me to the point where I don't feel like going out or doing anything. It's one vicious cycle that needs to stop.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5

[glows]

12 minutes ago, Vocals5 said:

I know and agree. I guess I just like having someone in my life. Gives me a feeling of direction and purpose. They were all pretty and kinda hard to resist. From now on I'm just focusing on the music, working on my home, hanging out with friends and being happy. I'm not right now, but that'll change. I just have to get motivated about being free and stop wrapping my life around people. The stress of the constant ups and downs from jumping from one relationship to another is draining the life out of me to the point where I don't feel like going out or doing anything. It's one vicious cycle.

Yes, do this. Stay focused on the music. Isn't heartbreak also a muse? It would be a shame not to capitalize on this moment or the emotions it evokes. Keep the details out of it in a song but tap into those emotions. See what it makes of you and stay on track with all the things enjoy and love doing. Someone else will come along and realize what a catch you are because you've got things sorted in your life. 

[Johnson1]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Yes, do this. Stay focused on the music. Isn't heartbreak also a muse? It would be a shame not to capitalize on this moment or the emotions it evokes. Keep the details out of it in a song but tap into those emotions. See what it makes of you and stay on track with all the things enjoy and love doing. Someone else will come along and realize what a catch you are because you've got things sorted in your life. 

Yes, it is a muse and I do exactly that. After a breakup I'll pour every ounce of emotion into certain songs that fit how I'm feeling. It helps me sing and perform better. The crowd sees it and gives more response.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5

[Johnson1]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Someone else will come along and realize what a catch you are because you've got things sorted in your life. 

Don't really want anyone right now. Everything is glorious in the beginning and I hear how wonderful I am, then it all falls apart. I'm the guy that does all those niceties, opens car doors, walks next to them on the dangerous side of the road to keep them safe, etc. The list goes on, but it's never appreciated. Instead it's used against me. I'll get things like 'Well you're only doing it because you want sex' or something like that, which isn't true. When I was with my ex some days if I got home before her (and without her asking) I'd clean the whole kitchen, pick up dirty laundry on the floor in the bedroom, clean the mess she always left on her night table, make the bed and cook dinner all before she got home. Then the weekend would come and she'd start a fight and say I never did anything around the house. All I could do is smh in a wtf moment. Each one has been a cookie cutter of the last only in their own unique miserable way.

Edited July 3, 2021 by Vocals5