Fruitbat86 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I have been in a long distance relationship for a little over a year. Everything has been going great. The issue is he lives with his ex as they have children together and he doesn't want to become a part time dad, also they are waiting on the sale of their house to go separate ways. Anyway, just lately they have not been able to get along and are continually arguing which is affecting our relationship in the sense that he has become quiet and his mood is often not great. Cut to today and he has messaged me to apologise for being quiet and not speaking so much lately saying he knows he needs to move out of there and that he is not in a great place at the moment. I replied that he didn't need to apologise and that if he wanted to talk about things I was here. He simply replied with "thank you". I'm sure it's all in my head but I am now sat here questioning whether he is trying to pull away and out of the relationship. Before I get anyone saying they're still together and I'm the other woman, she knows about me so that is most definitely not the case. Also, he can't move in with me as I live 4 hours away and he has his work and children to consider. We have spoken about moving in together a little further down the line when things have settled, we didn't discuss in great detail though as to who would move, or if we would both move, like meet in the middle kinda thing. I hope you can make sense of my rambling. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 You'll have to weigh the likelihood of whether the faraway notion of him and you ever joining your lives is a reality. Long distance anything is a mighty fantasy and how addictive it can be. Your story is testament. Practice the wait and see approach and don't make any moves for this person until he's fully divorced and even so, wait another year to observe how things pan out with his visitation and custody with his kids. There are a lot of moving parts here and the last thing you'd like is to get crushed by someone else's unresolved baggage. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Fruitbat86 said: Before I get anyone saying they're still together and I'm the other woman, she knows about me so that is most definitely not the case. I have to ask, do you have verifiable proof of that, or is this based just on what he tells you? I also have to ask, how often do you meet in person? Dating a man who is still living with his ex is just not a good idea, as you're seeing. Can he not find a rental or another place to stay until the house is sold? He doesn't want to be a part-time dad, so it's unclear what he expects to happen once their house is sold. The fact that their discontent affects your relationship is also very concerning, as it suggests they have unfinished emotional business. Personally, I would put the whole relationship on ice unless and until he moves out. It's just too complicated and renders him unable to have another relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 1 hour ago, Fruitbat86 said: The issue is he lives with his ex as they have children together and he doesn't want to become a part time dad, also they are waiting on the sale of their house to go separate ways. Unfortunately, this means they will be together until the kids are grown, no? Cut your losses. You may not be the other woman, but there are nonetheless a lot of red flags. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) I am racking my brain trying to figure out how it ever seemed like a good idea to date someone 4 hours away who lives with their kids and co parent with no desire to change that and coming up real short Edited June 30, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 (edited) 16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I have to ask, do you have verifiable proof of that, or is this based just on what he tells you? I also have to ask, how often do you meet in person? Dating a man who is still living with his ex is just not a good idea, as you're seeing. Can he not find a rental or another place to stay until the house is sold? He doesn't want to be a part-time dad, so it's unclear what he expects to happen once their house is sold. The fact that their discontent affects your relationship is also very concerning, as it suggests they have unfinished emotional business. Personally, I would put the whole relationship on ice unless and until he moves out. It's just too complicated and renders him unable to have another relationship. I have met her for myself so I know this to be true. It doesn't so much affect us, I know I said it did but I think I worded it wrong, as it has meant this last few days he has been a little quieter than usual. We have still spoke, laughed and joked, and spoke of the future. My issue is more that I have managed to get inside my own head and last myself start analysing things too much. There was nothing in what he said to imply he wants the relationship to end, only an apology for not having been as talkative. I just have a tendency to overtime and end up thinking the worst all the time. Edited June 30, 2021 by Fruitbat86 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I am racking my brain trying to figure out how it ever seemed like a good idea to date someone 4 hours away who lives with their kids and co parent with no desire to change that and coming up real short He does want to change that. He hasn't wanted to leave the children as he fears she will stop him seeing them through bitterness but he is unhappy living in that house and sees now that he has to leave, he's just struggling to come to terms with the fact that that means he will no longer be a full time parent 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 I don't belive you're over-thinking, though. They argue, and it affects him - which in turn affects your relationship. They're still too involved in each other's lives. This relationship cannot function and thrive as long as he's still living with her. Were / are they married? How long ago did they end their relaitonship? It must have been a little while ago, if you've been together a year. I would be concerned that they have not physically separated from each other yet, because that is bound to introduce a new upheaval into their family as they all adjust to this major change, and this will absolutely affect your relationship too. Hence my assertion that I would not continue the relationship as long as they're still living together. The really hard part of their break-up hasn't even begun yet. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I don't belive you're over-thinking, though. They argue, and it affects him - which in turn affects your relationship. They're still too involved in each other's lives. This relationship cannot function and thrive as long as he's still living with her. Were / are they married? How long ago did they end their relaitonship? It must have been a little while ago, if you've been together a year. I would be concerned that they have not physically separated from each other yet, because that is bound to introduce a new upheaval into their family as they all adjust to this major change, and this will absolutely affect your relationship too. Hence my assertion that I would not continue the relationship as long as they're still living together. The really hard part of their break-up hasn't even begun yet. They aren't married. They ended a few months before we got together but from what I've heard from both of them it had pretty much been over for a few years before that. They don't really spend all that much time together, no family days out or anything, just for the children's birthdays. They live in separate parts of the house and for the majority of the time their working hours mean they aren't even in the house at the same time. Such as he works on her days off and vise versa. As much as it sounds like it I am not trying to make excuses for anything, just to explain the situation in more detail. He has said tonight that he is going to be looking for somewhere else to live. That as much as he is worried about losing the children, or atleast not seeing them all the time like he is used to, he knows that things cannot carry on this way as he is unhappy being in that house and that he is concerned it will start affecting the children. One of them will be starting secondary school in September and he does not want to cause more upset along with what is already going to be a big change so has said if he is going to move out he needs to do it sooner rather than later. He seems to have given it alot of thought, and this is probably why he has been abit quieter than usual. And if I'm honest I hadn't really noticed he had been being quiet, I put it down to the fact he had been working alot of extra hours this last week and I also have not been feeling great myself (for a totally unrelated reason) so that could also be why I have been overthinking what he said at twisting it in my head to mean something else. I'm not saying I now know 100% I was wrong in what I was thinking, only that I feel a little better about things now that he has opened up to me about it all a little tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 15 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: I'm not saying I now know 100% I was wrong in what I was thinking And what were you thinking, exactly? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted June 30, 2021 Share Posted June 30, 2021 50 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: I have met her for myself so I know this to be true. It's not about her. He's not leaving his kids or interested in living with you. Sadly you're in for a lot of headaches and heartaches. You'll be in a holding pattern waiting for years, wasting time while he enjoys family life and you let life pass you by. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted June 30, 2021 Author Share Posted June 30, 2021 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what were you thinking, exactly? That his apology wasn't so much of an apology but more of him pulling back. I don't know how to get the words across to explain what I mean as it wasn't anything that was said at all, just a feeling. He said " Sorry, things haven't been good at the house. Constant arguments. I know I need to leave the house but I don't know how to leave the children. Sorry I haven't been as talkative lately. I'm sorry." I told him it was OK, he had no reason to apologise and that I was here if he wanted to talk about it. His reply was a simple "thank you". I know i sound crazy but I think something in that last Sorry and the thank you made me over analyse and convince myself that that was his way of ending things. I left him be and didn't reply and he messaged a few hours later opening up about things some more. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 18 hours ago, Fruitbat86 said: I know i sound crazy You don't sound crazy, because the situation is crazy. I don't know many women who would date a man living with his ex, regardless of the circumstances. It was set up for trouble from the beginning. So while he might be fond of you, I would be very wary about what is going to happen once he finally deals with reality and moves out. I am not sure he's really ready for it, and not sure any relationship would survive that. He's about to undergo some drastic life changes. You are worried about the wrong things, in other words. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 I'm not understanding why you entered into this relationship at all, or why you are investing so much into this. It makes absolutely no sense. Here is a man who lives four hours away from you, who lives with his ex and their children, who doesn't want to be a "part-time dad" and also has a job there so can't move to where you live. This man is going through a lot of stress and changes and doesn't sound like he is able to devote his energy to a relationship with you. What future does this relationship have? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 1, 2021 Author Share Posted July 1, 2021 53 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: I'm not understanding why you entered into this relationship at all, or why you are investing so much into this. It makes absolutely no sense. Here is a man who lives four hours away from you, who lives with his ex and their children, who doesn't want to be a "part-time dad" and also has a job there so can't move to where you live. This man is going through a lot of stress and changes and doesn't sound like he is able to devote his energy to a relationship with you. What future does this relationship have? We both travel to see each other. The distance is not an issue. I also have work and a life here, I would not expect him to just pack up and leave everything behind just as he doesn't expect me to. We have spoken about living together in the future and how that would involve one or both of us to chance jobs. Again... not an great issue as it would be done with plenty of planning and not just at the drop of a hat. I love the fact that he loves his children enough to want to find a way to be able to still see them as much as possible, the thought of not being able to see them breaks him. I know through personal experience that not all dads are wired this way and couldn't care less so I think it's great quality to have. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Fruitbat86 said: I love the fact that he loves his children enough to want to find a way to be able to still see them as much as possible, the thought of not being able to see them breaks him. I know through personal experience that not all dads are wired this way and couldn't care less so I think it's great quality to have. Those are great qualities indeed. Nobody would fault him for wanting to be around his children a lot. What you should be worried about is that he has not yet physically separated from his ex. Former couples co-parent all the time from separate homes. They've been broken up plenty long enough to have this sorted by now. I think he's not just sad about separating from his kids, but also from her and what that will really entail. What you're seeing now is the just the beginning of an emotional process for the family. What did your family and friends say when you told them your boyfriend still lives with his ex? Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 1, 2021 Share Posted July 1, 2021 You may be waiting on forever as his kids will or should come first always. Your initial concern was him possibly pulling away and that's hard to gauge long distance or determine so distance is an issue actually, however you may not want to see it that way or may be in denial. Without the distance you might be able to see him more often and see whether he's actually able to sustain a serious relationship. All those blinders are on while you're separated by the space inbetween and you're also putting your life on hold waiting on promises from someone that might never come. Have a think about this a bit more and see how it goes. Don't waste your life away waiting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 1, 2021 Author Share Posted July 1, 2021 2 hours ago, glows said: You may be waiting on forever as his kids will or should come first always. Your initial concern was him possibly pulling away and that's hard to gauge long distance or determine so distance is an issue actually, however you may not want to see it that way or may be in denial. Without the distance you might be able to see him more often and see whether he's actually able to sustain a serious relationship. All those blinders are on while you're separated by the space inbetween and you're also putting your life on hold waiting on promises from someone that might never come. Have a think about this a bit more and see how it goes. Don't waste your life away waiting. I don't see the distance as an issue as although we don't see each other daily we do still see each other weekly, and for a large portion of this pandemic I was furloughed so stayed with a family member who lives only about 10 minutes from where he lives (which is how we met originally). I used to live 20 minutes drive from an ex and I saw less of him. So the way I see it is if you want to be with someone and spend time with them you will, the distance is irrelevant. Within reason of course, obviously living on opposite sides of the world would be different 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 10 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: What did your family and friends say when you told them your boyfriend still lives with his ex? And what about this, OP? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: And what about this, OP? No one has really said anything. A couple were skeptical at first, saying that he was probably actually still in a relationship, but then once I had met her for myself no one said any more about it Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 They are still living like a couple. He's not cheating. That's why you met her and that's not the issue. However, everyday they share a cup of coffee, talk about the kids, do things together with the kids, watch TV together on the sofa, eat together, shop together, etc. All this while you sit alone at home except for weekends. So you're focusing on the wrong red flags 🚩. It's his living situation, not cheating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: They are still living like a couple. He's not cheating. That's why you met her and that's not the issue. However, everyday they share a cup of coffee, talk about the kids, do things together with the kids, watch TV together on the sofa, eat together, shop together, etc. All this while you sit alone at home except for weekends. So you're focusing on the wrong red flags 🚩. It's his living situation, not cheating. I've said further up that that's not the case. They live in separate parts of the house, they don't do things together. They have the odd meal together with the children and that's about it. Other than that they live separate lives. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 On 6/30/2021 at 1:42 PM, Fruitbat86 said: That his apology wasn't so much of an apology but more of him pulling back. I don't know how to get the words across to explain what I mean as it wasn't anything that was said at all, just a feeling. He said " Sorry, things haven't been good at the house. Constant arguments. I know I need to leave the house but I don't know how to leave the children. Sorry I haven't been as talkative lately. I'm sorry." I told him it was OK, he had no reason to apologise and that I was here if he wanted to talk about it. His reply was a simple "thank you". I know i sound crazy but I think something in that last Sorry and the thank you made me over analyse and convince myself that that was his way of ending things. I left him be and didn't reply and he messaged a few hours later opening up about things some more. I went back up to take a look at your responses because you seem to have a quick answer and a solid belief that everything is fine and workable for you and between the both of you. Yet you are here asking about whether he may be pulling away so which is it? In regards to your main question above I don't see any pulling away at all but what it is showing is that he's not quite able to balance multiple relationships and a homelife with the mother of his kids and his children. He's expressing that he's regretful of not being talkative enough with you and he told you the reason: constant arguments. Whether you want to believe that he's in the right frame of mind to sustain a relationship with you is of course your call. Others are warning you that all the writing is on the wall. His life isn't stable enough to support another relationship and you're paying attention to a few words said under duress when what you should be looking out for are major red flags about his living situation overall and his lack of total emotional/physical availability. What he's giving you are bits and pieces of him and not the whole him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 3 hours ago, Fruitbat86 said: Other than that they live separate lives. So how is it that they manage to get into arguments? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: So how is it that they manage to get into arguments? Because they still have to communicate about the children. From what I've been told most of the arguments are through text whilst one or the other is at work Link to post Share on other sites
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