Cookiesandough Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) I’m only staying for the kids… oldest one in the book Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 3 hours ago, glows said: His life isn't stable enough to support another relationship and you're paying attention to a few words said under duress when what you should be looking out for are major red flags about his living situation overall and his lack of total emotional/physical availability. This is what it comes down to. He's clearly not in the right position to have another relationship and be present and engaged the way he should be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 23 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I’m only staying for the kids… oldest one in the book I understand that but they are definitely not together in anyway Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 every girl i've (mistakenly) dated that "was no longer in a relationship just living together" was absolutely 100% in a relationship and still living together. consider the opposite end of this story. go read the breakup forums, and about how absolutely miniscule the reasons are for someone to end a relationship and move across the country. when people are not happy, THEY WILL FIND A WAY TO LEAVE. full stop. i can only echo the warnings from everyone else, that this situation is very likely not what you're led to believe it is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 14 minutes ago, flitzanu said: every girl i've (mistakenly) dated that "was no longer in a relationship just living together" was absolutely 100% in a relationship and still living together. i can only echo the warnings from everyone else, that this situation is very likely not what you're led to believe it is. Again... I understand this and where you, and anyone else saying the same, are coming from but I this was the case then I would've been kept far away from her, instead I have met her on multiple occasions. Those occasions have been very brief and we have not gotten into a great deal of conversations but she has assured me herself that they are over and have been for some time and she has definitely been around when he has been on phone and videocalls telling me he loves me and such. Not always as like I say they live pretty separate lives even within the house but if for instance he is sat in the garden on a call and she has come outside for whatever reason. So yes, I refuse to believe that they are still together. I have also met his friends, and some of their partners, who are also her friends, so again someone somewhere would say something. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) They might indeed be broken up, OP. However, that does not mean he has truly emotionally moved on from their relationship. That would be almost impossible while they're still living together. My fear here would be that he hasn't really processed it all yet, as they haven't taken the huge and final step of moving out. I think when he does finally move out, you will see what everyone here is trying to warn you about. If there are problems now and he hasn't even left yet, you are in for a very bumpy ride once it actually happens. I would brace yourself for that. Edited July 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: Again... I understand this and where you, and anyone else saying the same, are coming from but I this was the case then I would've been kept far away from her, instead I have met her on multiple occasions. Those occasions have been very brief and we have not gotten into a great deal of conversations but she has assured me herself that they are over and have been for some time and she has definitely been around when he has been on phone and videocalls telling me he loves me and such. Not always as like I say they live pretty separate lives even within the house but if for instance he is sat in the garden on a call and she has come outside for whatever reason. So yes, I refuse to believe that they are still together. I have also met his friends, and some of their partners, who are also her friends, so again someone somewhere would say something. That’s right now and you don’t know the entire story. When people break up, there are usually some feelings involved on one side or another and especially if they are living together and have children together and he is seeing a person long distance and starting to emotionally withdraw. & he’s saying he’s only there for children, but at some point if they are really over he WILL need to be a part time dad and move forward. He’s basically saying he’s not there yet in the best case scenario. That’s a very precarious situation. I think that signs point to there being some residual feelings at the very least in this scenario and you should tread very carefully. don’t know why you treaded this mess at all to be honest with you but that’s just me Edited July 2, 2021 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 On 6/30/2021 at 1:30 PM, Fruitbat86 said: Anyway, just lately they have not been able to get along and are continually arguing which is affecting our relationship in the sense that he has become quiet and his mood is often not great. Do you know this to be a fact? If so, how? Also you said she knows about you and you've met her. Did she actually tell you "I know you're seeing my husband and it's fine with me"? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If there are problems now and he hasn't even left yet, you are in for a very bumpy ride once it actually happens. I would brace yourself for that. And usually when and if they do leave they want to make a fresh start with someone new. The OW reminds them of the painful time they went through. Read around this forum and you'll see that. The ones who really want to leave and be with OW do it early in the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 Just now, stillafool said: Do you know this to be a fact? If so, how? Also you said she knows about you and you've met her. Did she actually tell you "I know you're seeing my husband and it's fine with me"? I only know what he's told me, which is at the moment they are constantly arguing and he is looking to move out. I have no reason to doubt this as he has been looking at a couple of properties today and has video called me whilst there showing me around. And no, not in so many words but it had been made clear to her that we are together and she has acknowledged that and agreed with what he had told me about their break up. How they had been separated for a few months before we got together but that they both new it was over long before that. That the only reason they stayed together so long was for the children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: And usually when and if they do leave they want to make a fresh start with someone new. The OW reminds them of the painful time they went through. Read around this forum and you'll see that. The ones who really want to leave and be with OW do it early in the affair. But I'm not the OW. We haven't had any kind of affair Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: it had been made clear to her that we are together I'm a little confused about this. Didn't you say earlier that you have actually met her? In what context did you meet? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: How they had been separated for a few months before we got together but that they both new it was over long before that. That the only reason they stayed together so long was for the children. So she actually told you this? 9 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: I only know what he's told me, which is at the moment they are constantly arguing and he is looking to move out. Why would their arguments affect your relationship, if anything it should make it stronger because he has you as his sounding board. Why would he be down because they are not getting along? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 11 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: But I'm not the OW. We haven't had any kind of affair Sorry usually when a woman is seeing a man living with the mother of his kids she is his OW. My mistake. When you say "any kind of affair" I'm confused, does that mean no sex, no love affair, or no unknown sex by his kid's mom? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: I'm a little confused about this. Didn't you say earlier that you have actually met her? In what context did you meet? I asked to meet her because as I said earlier a couple of my friends, like everyone on here, were skeptical at first saying that they were probably still in a relationship... so I asked him if I could meet her to find out for certain. 7 minutes ago, stillafool said: So she actually told you this? Why would their arguments affect your relationship, if anything it should make it stronger because he has you as his sounding board. Why would he be down because they are not getting along? Yes she told has told me. He's not down because they aren't getting along, he's just unhappy living there and knowing that it's starting to affect the children. He's also down because he knows that very soon he's not going to be able to see the children like he is now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: Sorry usually when a woman is seeing a man living with the mother of his kids she is his OW. My mistake. When you say "any kind of affair" I'm confused, does that mean no sex, no love affair, or no unknown sex by his kid's mom? Sorry, I probably worded it wrong. When i say no affair I mean because they were broken up before we got together 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 How do you feel now about his pulling away or is everything resolved then between the both of you? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: I asked to meet her because as I said earlier a couple of my friends, like everyone on here, were skeptical at first saying that they were probably still in a relationship... so I asked him if I could meet her to find out for certain. Yes she told has told me. He's not down because they aren't getting along, he's just unhappy living there and knowing that it's starting to affect the children. He's also down because he knows that very soon he's not going to be able to see the children like he is now So when you did meet her she acknowledged you as his new gf and that what they had was over; or, did she meet you as a friend of his? Since the tension in their home is now affecting the kids does he now realize that they will be happier seeing him happy in his new home? She can't keep him from seeing his kids so if he lives closer to her he can see them more often. Are you planning to move with him when he moves? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: So when you did meet her she acknowledged you as his new gf and that what they had was over; or, did she meet you as a friend of his? Since the tension in their home is now affecting the kids does he now realize that they will be happier seeing him happy in his new home? She can't keep him from seeing his kids so if he lives closer to her he can see them more often. Are you planning to move with him when he moves? She met me as his girlfriend. I don't think the word girlfriend was actually used, it wasn't like " hi this is my new girlfriend" but the fact that we are together was definitely brought up. He has realised this yes, and is currently looking for somewhere to live. And no, we have not spoken about me moving with him. Not at this point. We have previously spoken out moving in together but we didn't discuss in great detail who would move or if we would both move to somewhere new together. I don't think me moving in right away would be a good idea as he would want to have the children around and I don't feel as though it would be the right time for me to be starting to get involved with them. I think it would be too much change at one time for them. I have no issue with moving to live with him, but when the time is right. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 26 minutes ago, glows said: How do you feel now about his pulling away or is everything resolved then between the both of you? I feel better. I know that I quite often get into my own head and can very easily start to make 2+2=5. He has opened up more about the situation and has been giving me a virtual tour of properties he has looked at this afternoon. I do feel a little anxious now having read everyone's opinions but in regards to my original question I am feeling much happier about things 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 34 minutes ago, Fruitbat86 said: She met me as his girlfriend. I don't think the word girlfriend was actually used, it wasn't like " hi this is my new girlfriend" but the fact that we are together was definitely brought up. The way you word all of this is unclear. Did you meet her in person? What do you mean that "it was brought up" that you are together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Fruitbat86 Posted July 2, 2021 Author Share Posted July 2, 2021 Yes we met in person. One day when the children were at school I went around to the house with him and we sat out in the garden together. As far as I am aware she did not know that I had asked to meet her. He went in and asked her if she wanted to come outside and sit with us. She already knew he was seeing someone. He went indoors to the toilet, then there was what seemed like the longest awkward pause, I just came right out and asked how and when they had broken up. She explained, backing up his version of events. We spoke about how me and him had met and how we were still very new (at the time). He came back, we finished our coffees, said our goodbyes and left. Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 2, 2021 Share Posted July 2, 2021 Glad you're feeling better. Keep your eyes peeled and be cautious. There are a lot of red flags about this man. Link to post Share on other sites
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