I don't want to think about him anymore

[BlindsidedTwice]

Looking for some advice, or maybe support, or maybe I just need to vent.....

My back story - I am married. I had an A with a MM for about 3 years, starting in 2016. We never talked of leaving our spouses for each other. I guess we were both "cake eaters".  In 2019, his wife got suspicious and he ended things. I felt heartbroken. (You can find my old LS posts from August 2019 if you want the details, although now I roll my eyes to see how distraught I was over a pretend fantasy relationship.)  He started lovebombing me about 3 months later, as predicted by nearly everyone on LS and nearly every A story ever told, but I fell for it anyway.  We remained "friends" for a while. When the pandemic hit, we kept in touch, but did not see each other in person. In January of this year, it became abundantly clear that our families needed us and that we needed to cease contact. The ending was mutual; I initiated it, and he was completely on board.

So that brings me to now. It's July and I am approaching 6 months of NC.  During this time period, I have been seeing a therapist weekly, journaling, reading, spending quality time with my family, trying to get outside in nature at least once a day, investing in safe friendships... etc... which feels like all the right things to be doing, but when my mind settles, it still goes to my xAP.  Why? Why can't I let him go? I feel like I am doing everything right, and yet I'm stuck running these circles in my head.

I love my husband and my family. I will always carry around deep guilt and shame for what I have done, and I will never put them in jeopardy like that again. So how do I stop thinking about xAP? Is it just hitting me hard because I am approaching this "6 months NC" milestone? Is there something else I could be doing? Another trick for forgetting? Or do I just need to be patient and let more time pass? I really really want to move on.

[BaileyB]

Milestone anniversaries are hard, for many things. I say give it time. 

Glad you are on a healthy path. I think it’s very natural for your mind to wander back to that relationship every now and again… it doesn’t mean that you have to attend to those thought and feelings and you certainly don’t want to stay there. Personally, I would just acknowledge it and then turn my attention to something else. 

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Milestone anniversaries are hard, for many things. I say give it time. 

Glad you are on a healthy path. I think it’s very natural for your mind to wander back to that relationship every now and again… it doesn’t mean that you have to attend to those thought and feelings and you certainly don’t want to stay there. Personally, I would just acknowledge it and then turn my attention to something else. 

This makes a lot of sense. Running from a problem never solves anything. Better to face it head on.
op, just because you have a feeling, that doesn't mean you have to act on it. It also doesn't mean you've failed in your efforts to rebuild your marriage. Do you have any insight into why you've been thinking about your ex-om? It is just the anniversary or is it something more? If you can figure out the root of the issue, you will be able to address it effectively.

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This makes a lot of sense. Running from a problem never solves anything. Better to face it head on.
op, just because you have a feeling, that doesn't mean you have to act on it. It also doesn't mean you've failed in your efforts to rebuild your marriage. Do you have any insight into why you've been thinking about your ex-om? It is just the anniversary or is it something more? If you can figure out the root of the issue, you will be able to address it effectively.

I believe that feelings exist for a reason. The fact that you thinking of him and feeling a certain way needs to be acknowledged and feelings need to be honoured. That said, as pepperbird says, you don’t have to act on a feeling. I tend to be guilty of this when I feel sad or lonely… I feel like I need to do something to “fix” the situation when really, if I go for a walk, get a good night sleep, and give it a little time I often find that the feeling drifts away without my even doing anything and I either feel better and/or I move on to a different feeling or a different problem… So, I say sit with it. Acknowledge it. And you may find that it eventually fades away.

Anniversaries for me tend to be the worst prior to the date, but I absolutely remember and mark many different anniversaries. The best advice I got was from a counsellor who said, be kind to yourself. Give yourself a little more space and time to feel those feelings. And remember, this too shall pass… and it does. 

Edited July 1, 2021 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

 but when my mind settles, it still goes to my xAP.  Why? Why can't I let him go? I feel like I am doing everything right, and yet I'm stuck running these circles in my head.

Probably mostly time to wait it out. I suspect, it's essentially how you are processing the emotions you have regarding the A and ending it.

What does your therapist say about this "cycling"?

 

Possibly it's limerence (see link below) but I actually think probably not in your case. But you tell me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

[BlindsidedTwice]

26 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Do you have any insight into why you've been thinking about your ex-om? It is just the anniversary or is it something more?

We live in the same town. I think as things are opening back up, the chance of running into him is greater, and so my fear of it is greater. 

I was out for a run the other day, and a car that looked a lot like his stopped to let me cross. I didn’t look to see if it was him, but it just left me with a weird unsettled feeling. I hope I can keep it together if I actually were to be out at the same place as him. 
 

14 minutes ago, mark clemson said:What does your therapist say about this "cycling"?

What does your therapist say about this "cycling"?

Possibly it's limerence (see link below) but I actually think probably not in your case. But you tell me.

My therapist said it’s probably just due to my history with my xAP. (We were involved at a younger age, prior to meeting our spouses.) So it’ll continue to fade over time, but it might take years... I guess this is a consequence of my actions, but I am just so tired of thinking about it. 

[mark clemson]

7 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

I think as things are opening back up, the chance of running into him is greater, and so my fear of it is greater. 

I was out for a run the other day, and a car that looked a lot like his stopped to let me cross. I didn’t look to see if it was him, but it just left me with a weird unsettled feeling. I hope I can keep it together if I actually were to be out at the same place as him.

Sounds like you have a lot of anxiety. Maybe talk to the therapist about what you can do for that (if anything).

[Vivalavi]

I'm not doing NC, but when I think of my MM it feels like my mind wants to escape reality of my own marriage. So it goes where things are exciting, playful, nice. Or at least for a few minutes. Maybe that's why your mind wonders back to him?

Just a picture of "my" MM and his irresistible blue eyes makes me smile and sad at the same time. I feel pathetic afterwards. 

But congratulations on being strong enough to go back to NC. I admire you. That's the thing I need to do, but I wasn't able to do so, yet.

 

[Beentheretoooften]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Probably mostly time to wait it out. I suspect, it's essentially how you are processing the emotions you have regarding the A and ending it.

What does your therapist say about this "cycling"?

 

Possibly it's limerence (see link below) but I actually think probably not in your case. But you tell me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Mark, can limerance last a lifetime ?

[NYAG]

19 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Looking for some advice, or maybe support, or maybe I just need to vent.....

My back story - I am married. I had an A with a MM for about 3 years, starting in 2016. We never talked of leaving our spouses for each other. I guess we were both "cake eaters".  In 2019, his wife got suspicious and he ended things. I felt heartbroken. (You can find my old LS posts from August 2019 if you want the details, although now I roll my eyes to see how distraught I was over a pretend fantasy relationship.)  He started lovebombing me about 3 months later, as predicted by nearly everyone on LS and nearly every A story ever told, but I fell for it anyway.  We remained "friends" for a while. When the pandemic hit, we kept in touch, but did not see each other in person. In January of this year, it became abundantly clear that our families needed us and that we needed to cease contact. The ending was mutual; I initiated it, and he was completely on board.

So that brings me to now. It's July and I am approaching 6 months of NC.  During this time period, I have been seeing a therapist weekly, journaling, reading, spending quality time with my family, trying to get outside in nature at least once a day, investing in safe friendships... etc... which feels like all the right things to be doing, but when my mind settles, it still goes to my xAP.  Why? Why can't I let him go? I feel like I am doing everything right, and yet I'm stuck running these circles in my head.

I love my husband and my family. I will always carry around deep guilt and shame for what I have done, and I will never put them in jeopardy like that again. So how do I stop thinking about xAP? Is it just hitting me hard because I am approaching this "6 months NC" milestone? Is there something else I could be doing? Another trick for forgetting? Or do I just need to be patient and let more time pass? I really really want to move on.

Maybe you remembering him is the reminder that you should not go down this path again. Instead of thinking it's bad to still have him in your head treat it as a lesson learned. There's no reason whatsoever why you should just erase him from your mind. That's not how the brain works. I still think about flings I had years ago, not because I miss them or want them back but because they are in my life history and that's just what happens. If, every time you think about him, you feel guilt and realise how lucky you are to have your family etc, then you are learning the lesson well and being reminded that your decision to go NC was the right one. Just go with it. Things will change but it takes time. Be kind to yourself.

[Bittersweetie]

Blindsided, after my d-day I found myself thinking about xAP even though I wanted nothing to do with him. I was like, why am I thinking about this guy??? I don't want to. I finally realized I was thinking about xAP as an escape from facing what was really going on in my life, the aftermath of the affair. Once I realized that,  it was easier for me to let the thoughts go because I knew why they were there. Could this be why you're having trouble letting the thoughts go too? Because they are providing an escape from reality? 

[mark clemson]

20 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Mark, can limerance last a lifetime ?

Maybe for some few folks. My understanding is it typically lasts from several months to a few years.

For most people their brain eventually adjusts, much like developing tolerance to a drug. There may be some for who that doesn't happen.

Full-fledged limerence is pretty intense and a bona fide altered state of consciousness. You think about the other person extremely frequently and there is a "buzzy" dreamlike sense to it as well that sort of fades in and out over days. At certain points you may feel like you are drowning or other "overwhelming" sensations. You can function, but not particularly well e.g. at work as you are regularly distracted by thoughts of the other person. I don't think many people are in a perpetual state like this.

That's "full-fledged" limerence. It's presumably also possible to have milder (but still fairly emotionally significant) thoughts of the other person e.g. if one's feelings are regularly triggered by seeing them or other circumstances. THAT could presumably last quite a while (but also should fade eventually, one would think).

[Luna66star]

I had this experience, frequently thinking of past AP.  It seems common on these threads.  I remembered all the wonderful times we had together, each and every date actually.  Certainly, pain and agony was part of the entire affair also, which is why it ended.

I was also seeing a therapist but that person did not delve very deeply into my issues.  

I relate it to feeling a big void in my life and reminiscing about past experiences that made me feel alive.  I think it's normal.  In no way do I want to get in touch with him.  While the intimacy, friendship and excitement was thrilling - I rely on my logic to bring me back to reality.  The other part, the way he treated me (very casually) was awful.  In no way could this man offer anything deeper, which is what I crave.

I also sometimes think of him and wonder how he is doing.  That's as far as it goes though.

Accept the fact his memory will come and go for you.  But also move on, which means putting your main focus elsewhere.  Your husband and deciding what your future lies with him.  Stay together?  Separate!  Divorce? This is the main issue that must be addressed.  Ex MM is a memory of one of your life experiences.  

 

 

 

[Vivalavi]

3 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

Blindsided, after my d-day I found myself thinking about xAP even though I wanted nothing to do with him. I was like, why am I thinking about this guy??? I don't want to. I finally realized I was thinking about xAP as an escape from facing what was really going on in my life, the aftermath of the affair. Once I realized that,  it was easier for me to let the thoughts go because I knew why they were there. Could this be why you're having trouble letting the thoughts go too? Because they are providing an escape from reality? 

Exactly what I was thinking! Thinking of him takes me away from reality. It's a escape. Makes you happy for a second and sad for ten.

[BlindsidedTwice]

4 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

Could this be why you're having trouble letting the thoughts go too? Because they are providing an escape from reality? 

I think you are spot on. The A itself and now the thoughts/memories are an escape from reality.

 

I have been in therapy since 2019 after my xAP and I “broke up” originally and I have put a lot of work towards delving into my self esteem issues and marriage issues. I actually feel pretty happy in my marriage these days, despite the obvious reason that I am on the forum. 

So yes, I am ego centric and have low self esteem and my marriage needs a ton of work, but doesn’t everyone want to escape reality sometimes? I do also get that fun-escape-feeling when I travel with my husband, and when I run races... but my mind doesn’t default to those healthier thrills. It’s just him there constantly. 😣

[BlindsidedTwice]

10 hours ago, NYAG said:

Instead of thinking it's bad to still have him in your head treat it as a lesson learned.

Thank you so much for this perspective. I hadn’t considered it in this way before but that is a great way to redirect the power of those thoughts. 

[NYAG]

15 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

Thank you so much for this perspective. I hadn’t considered it in this way before but that is a great way to redirect the power of those thoughts. 

No problem. I hope it helps. Always embrace it. Everything is a lesson to be learned not a regret to be hung on to for the rest of your life. It achieves nothing.

[BourneWicked]

I understand where you are. I list it as limerence for myself, its basically an unwavering obsession. I'm a few months into true no contact (had done NC back in December, fell off in March, back in April) 

I hate it. It's a cycling thought pattern. There are days when it gets better- when several hours pass without a thought of him (of course, followed by a thought of him upon realizing this). Just when I think I've made progress, I'll have a dream about him. It feels like my brain pulling out all the stops to get a drug hit. 

I also like NYAGs comment... it is a good reminder to never, ever go down that road again.

I just want to feel indifference. 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/1/2021 at 9:42 AM, BlindsidedTwice said:

I am approaching 6 months of NC.  During this time period, I have been seeing a therapist weekly, journaling, reading, spending quality time with my family, trying to get outside in nature.

 I will never put them in jeopardy like that again. 

You may "love your husband and family", but obviously you're not happy and daydreaming of this escapism.

See a physician for a complete evaluation including moods, anxiety,  metabolic studies, etc. You put yourself in jeopardy with this, not your husband or children. 

This is not about this married creep. This is about deep inner unhappiness, lack of satisfaction with your life and the need to self-medicate with the escapism that affairs provide.

[BlindsidedTwice]

36 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is about deep inner unhappiness, lack of satisfaction with your life and the need to self-medicate with the escapism that affairs provide.

I think it’s pretty normal for new moms to feel the want to escape sometimes. I don’t want a different life, just a momentary break. A lot of parents turn to alcohol after their children are in bed, which is considered a socially acceptable escape. I turned to an affair, which is not. 

I am not deeply unhappy or unsatisfied with my life. I was/am bored and exhausted from being “mommy/wifey” all the time. 

Edited July 6, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[BlindsidedTwice]

2 hours ago, BourneWicked said:

There are days when it gets better- when several hours pass without a thought of him (of course, followed by a thought of him upon realizing this). Just when I think I've made progress, I'll have a dream about him. It feels like my brain pulling out all the stops to get a drug hit. 

Yes this. The realization that I haven’t thought of him! Oh wait but that means I’m thinking of him.

I also get so frustrated with the dreams!! At least I can somewhat control my thoughts during the daytime. But at night, when I have no control? Come on. Give me a break! 

I want indifference too. I think NC + time is the answer. It’s so slow though. 

[Bittersweetie]

3 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

I think it’s pretty normal for new moms to feel the want to escape sometimes. I don’t want a different life, just a momentary break. A lot of parents turn to alcohol after their children are in bed, which is considered a socially acceptable escape. I turned to an affair, which is not. 

I am not deeply unhappy or unsatisfied with my life. I was/am bored and exhausted from being “mommy/wifey” all the time. 

What is a healthy coping skill you can use? What can you do when you feel the need to "escape" instead of thinking of xAP? 

This past year has been very difficult as a parent of younger kids so I understand being bored/exhausted from it. There were days when I had one glass too many of wine or one too many cookie. So I worked on better coping skills just like I did after the A. For example, I had this idea that if I sat down to watch a show, I had to watch the whole show in one sitting. Anyone with small children knows that's near impossible. So I started watching in 15 minute increments...not ideal but it was enough for me to escape. Sitting with my iPad, wearing headphones, gave my brain a break for the 15-30 minutes I took to watch.

And long term, you should think about who you are/who you want to be beyond mommy/wifey. I'm a SAHM so those are my main labels too. I've added to my dimensions through friends, volunteering, and a light part-time job (all things that went away during Covid, making it even more challenging for me). We all need self care, think about ways to care for and energize yourself.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

 A lot of parents turn to alcohol after their children are in bed, which is considered a socially acceptable escape. 

I was/am bored and exhausted from being “mommy/wifey” all the time. 

Exactly. You were bored . You miss this romance novel that unfortunately turned into an unseemly situation.

There are plenty of things parents can do. Stay in shape, join groups and clubs take up sports, etc.

However affairs are backhanded ways to stick it to your partner.

Alcoholism is as poor a coping strategy as affairs.

That's why you "miss him".  It's not him you miss, it's your return to an unhappy unsatisfactory life that's upsetting you..

When you fix that you'll fix daydreaming about a more exciting life that  the affair merely represented.

 

Edited July 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

On 7/2/2021 at 8:19 AM, mark clemson said:

Full-fledged limerence is pretty intense

BTW, forgot to mention a few things -  your brain may also somewhat obsessively generate a lot of fantasies with lots of "poignant" emotion and excess drama along with all the other stuff I mentioned above. And it can be hard to enjoy "regular things" that normally would bring you pleasure.

In full fledged limerence your brain apparently has reduced serotonin levels (one of the key "happiness" chemicals). So for example it might be a beautiful day outside, but you will still be focused on "longing for" the other person, so it would be hard to enjoy it. (Try to enjoy it anyhow, it might help a little.) I read an internet article that suggested that the brains of people in intense limerence apparently resemble those of cocaine addicts, so that probably explains quite a bit.

[Myabee]

On 7/1/2021 at 9:42 AM, BlindsidedTwice said:

Looking for some advice, or maybe support, or maybe I just need to vent.....

My back story - I am married. I had an A with a MM for about 3 years, starting in 2016. We never talked of leaving our spouses for each other. I guess we were both "cake eaters".  In 2019, his wife got suspicious and he ended things. I felt heartbroken. (You can find my old LS posts from August 2019 if you want the details, although now I roll my eyes to see how distraught I was over a pretend fantasy relationship.)  He started lovebombing me about 3 months later, as predicted by nearly everyone on LS and nearly every A story ever told, but I fell for it anyway.  We remained "friends" for a while. When the pandemic hit, we kept in touch, but did not see each other in person. In January of this year, it became abundantly clear that our families needed us and that we needed to cease contact. The ending was mutual; I initiated it, and he was completely on board.

So that brings me to now. It's July and I am approaching 6 months of NC.  During this time period, I have been seeing a therapist weekly, journaling, reading, spending quality time with my family, trying to get outside in nature at least once a day, investing in safe friendships... etc... which feels like all the right things to be doing, but when my mind settles, it still goes to my xAP.  Why? Why can't I let him go? I feel like I am doing everything right, and yet I'm stuck running these circles in my head.

I love my husband and my family. I will always carry around deep guilt and shame for what I have done, and I will never put them in jeopardy like that again. So how do I stop thinking about xAP? Is it just hitting me hard because I am approaching this "6 months NC" milestone? Is there something else I could be doing? Another trick for forgetting? Or do I just need to be patient and let more time pass? I really really want to move on.

I'm new here and your post just really helped me. Thank you.