I killed my ex in my dream.

[canadian87]

Its been almost 2 years since a break up. I was the one who ended the relationship because I was unhappy in the relationship but my ex wanted to work on solving our problems. She reached out few times hoping I will be back but I couldn't, and I still miss some parts of our relationship. I met her after almost a year and we talked a bit, she asked me if I want to go for a drink and I said yes, hoping that she wants to speak about whats going on in her life etc. I didn't want to loose her as a person forever.

But then she said she still missed me and she would want us to try again now but I said I was over her (I am with a relationship but she was still dear to me). She was so dissaponted.

Last night I had a dream that she is dead and people asked me why she died so young but I didn't know why, but then I knew it- I killed her with a pillow while she was sleeping and left, and I lost that memory. I woke up feeling awful, I almost called her on the phone in the middle of the night but I knew its stupid. I cried so much and now I can't find peace. Its like I would give her a chance but I know I would still end the relationship again

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, canadian87 said:

Last night I had a dream that she is dead and people asked me why she died so young but I didn't know why, but then I knew it- I killed her with a pillow while she was sleeping and left

Sorry this happened. Maybe it's your subconscious telling you to finally stop trying to be friends.

[FMW]

Maybe you're  feeling guilty about "killing" the relationship, that's  why you are trying to keep part of it alive.

But knowing she wants more than friendship means you need to let it go, completely.  That's the kinder thing to do.  No need to feel guilty.  You don't have to hate someone for the relationship to end.  It's normal to miss certain things about particular people, that doesn't mean you hang on to them.

[MsJayne]

That's your subconscious telling you to let the friendship go because of the negative connotations - it made you feel confused and maybe a little guilty, you don't like hurting someone's feelings. Perhaps you ended the relationship for the wrong reasons and deep down you know it? Or maybe there was something about your girlfriend that you really disliked in your relationship, something that made you angry but instead of accepting that you actually don't like her you've been faking friendship. Death in a dream is supposed to signify new beginnings, so maybe you should focus on your current girlfriend and not be revisiting stuff that you dealt with two years ago. 

[canadian87]

I miss her as a person thats right but if she always wants more I know I have to let her go so she can find her happiness elsewhere

I feel guilty because she really tried hard and gave her best for us but I just felt like I need a different person and we were not soulmates.

Edited July 2, 2021 by canadian87

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, canadian87 said:

she always wants more I know I have to let her go so she can find her happiness elsewhere

It's wrong to string anyone along.  Let go. Round out your life with friends family and dating.

[canadian87]

7 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Perhaps you ended the relationship for the wrong reasons and deep down you know it? Or maybe there was something about your girlfriend that you really disliked in your relationship, something that made you angry but instead of accepting that you actually don't like her you've been faking friendship.

I behaved badly during the relationship. I didn't do anything wrong, didn't cheat, didn't lie... But she loved me more then I loved her and it was obvious. It's like when things are good I'm OK but I don't feel much joy and happiness, sometimes I was bored around her, but when things are not Ok I got upset that she would leave and I become needy and promiss I will work harder and care more. Then things are better again and I still don't feel fulfilled. Strange but it was like when she was there I was half there, when she's not I need her and I don't want to loose her.

Then it made us both depressed and tired and I said I think we should separate but she felt like I haven't tried harder. I feel guilty and bad about that.. I feel I should try harder or leave her earlier, but I acted the only way I knew at that time. There were not hard words and anger during the breakup but she felt hurt and I felt guilty and sad for hurting her. I thought one day she will be ready to be friends, well not best friends but able to hear me or meet me without coming back to our relationship-problems, but she only used that to try to take me back. She wants me back or won't see me ever again like there is nothing in between. I care for her as a person but I know the relationship wouldn't work. I still don't know why she is sooo hurt and heart broken about that, we had a good comunication and I didn't do anything that bad to hurt her on purpose or break her trust or play games.

Edited July 2, 2021 by canadian87

[Alpacalia]

Breaking up with someone does not always imply that you no longer care for them.

You parted ways because you couldn't make each other happy any longer.

But don't confuse having this dream with going back in time or seeking to heal or reframe your guilt by reaching out to your ex.

[fallenangel6345]

I had a similar dream several years ago except he was dying in my dream and was reaching out to me to help him.

This was around the time I had caught him cheating on me after having my suspicions for over a year. Of course, I was devastated. He insisted it was a mistake and (stupidly) I took him back thinking he meant what he said. The next few weeks were taxing. Not only was I grappling with the fact that he had cheated, he started to lose his remorseful attitude that he used to get me back and was adopting a much harsher tone. Like "I said I was sorry. What more do you want me to do?"

I felt stuck. I thought he'd help work on our relationship, but instead it was just him telling me that I needed to get over it. I was frustrated and angry that he didn't even act or make an attempt at reconciliation. That was the headspace I was in when I had this dream.

I don't remember details of the dream, but I remember being in a complete warzone setting and him being on the ground mortally wounded. He was reaching out to me asking me to help him. I stopped and looked at him and pondered whether to save myself and get out of harm's way. Or to choose to go to him when he was calling for my help. I chose the former and got the hell out of there and left him to die. I don't remember the rest and I guess I woke up soon after.

At the time, I remember being super disturbed by it. But I interpreted it as me being at a crossroads and my subconscious making the decision I needed to make. Either I can go to him and try to fix this dying relationship or I can save myself before I lose myself. That day I basically accepted that my relationship with him was over. I can't continue trying to pump support and love towards a relationship that was well past its expiration date meanwhile sacrificing my time, energy and emotions in the process. Essentially, I can't pick him over myself. Self-love and self-care is important and that just was not possible when being with him.

I think your dream was telling you the same thing. Your mind is telling you to leave the relationship for good and move on. There is no use beating a dead horse. Let this be the end of a chapter so you can truly move forward.

[canadian87]

Well I had a problem before our final breakup when we were off for few days I found out she went to meet with her ex boyfriend and lied about it. I don't think she cheated or something, she was angry at me and tired of our on-off status but it hurt me a bit and I never adressed that anger or told her I knew