I know I am jealous, but still . my story has also a lot of red flags

[Morralles]

IT IS JUST A LITTLE TOO MUCH TO READ, AND FOR THOSE WHO HAVE THE PATIENCE I SAY TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE MY DEEPEST SYMPATHY AND THANKS!

Names, places, and timelines are changed, or altered.

My Relationship with Mira, started in 2015, 6 years ago, and in  the beginning it was super ok, milk and honey, for me, and honestly, I thought it was likewise for her. I’m 53 years old, but I don’t show my age. She is 7 years younger than me. Her husband died 3 years earlier, before we met.

In 2015 Mira worked at a small company. She has two children, two daughters, Simone, who now works too, and little Aline, who was then 8 years old. From the first moment, Aline didn’t like me at all; same goes for the present time. When we met, Mira and Aline were staying at their in-laws’ house. Mira took care of everything, the household chores, the care of the elderly, the children, everything, etc. She really didn’t even have the time to breathe. Even in terms of appearance, she looked like she wasn’t too careful. She was a beautifull woman, but somehow she coul pass unobserved. She told me that for the beginning, our relationship should be in like, each of us staying at our homes, not to move together, so: walks in the park, outings in the city, but when we have to be just the two of us, when this was possible, we met at my house. And this was mainly because Aline didn’t like me at all. A year later, Mira moved into the apartment of a deceased uncle, where she still lives. At the same time there was a slight change in her overall appearance, the clothes started to look different, highlighting the silhouette, cosmetics, face creams , body lotions, hairdresser, and the fact that now she was in her own apartment, her own place for the first time in her life, all this could be seen in herr overall appearance, she felt better, she looked different, better, younger. This time everything, parties, New Year’s Eve, Easter, birthdays, everything, including our meetings were happening at her place. Our meetings were happening only when her daughter Aline was not present. I proposed to rent one of the apartments, for example hers, and to stay in mine, because it was suitable for two adults and a her daughter. And thus to have an additional income, which would obviously be of use to us. Mira’s answer was: „I just arranged it(her flat), everything is brand new, I cannot do that”

And, now, on with the story.

The first surprise came right from the beggining, in midsummer 2015, when she started receiving text messages on her company phone, from her boss-employer (60 years something), who was also married,. Text messasages (SMS), „from the poetic kind” which referred to the „unexpected light that, glimmers in her eyes and her smile that is .. somehow, brighter ...etc „.. etc .. and other such” poems „, all very polite, like they were coming from a teenager in-love. She showed them to me, I asked her, and she told me that there is nothing between her and her boss, nor it was in the past, and she really doesn’t know why , her boss , is doing this crazy things. I thought to myself, that if there was something between the two of them, it was before us entering in our relationship, (an opinion that I did not share with her). She also told me that immediately after her husband died, her boss made advances to her, which she rejected. I thought to myself, that after I entered into a relationship with Mira, she surely ended everything with her boss, otherwise I could not see the reason why her boss would have sent those text messages. I trusted her when she told me there was nothing between her and her boss, now. I asked her, how he (her boss) behaves at work with her, if he says something to her, if he makes some wrong gesture, Mira’s answer: NO. I said: then, don’t do anything, and let him send text messages until he’s full. After a while, other text messages appeared this time from one of the employees, one of the workers, also „polite”, grammatically correct, but this time they came from a man „with less/poor text skills” who would have wanted „to be with her, because he likes her, etc.”.. It seemed at least strange to me, it seemed that clearly something is fishy, that is, two people sending approximately same kind of text messages …, To the same person. I asked Mira, “but this man, during the day, comes to you? tells you something ..? „The answer was: NO. I said: this man is no longer your boss, you are no longer in danger of being fired, you can go to the police, because this is harassment. What she did, on her own initiative, she went to her boss, and told me that she had a more direct discussion with him (her boss), and that’s how the text messages disappeared.

On with the story.

Now she was living in her own nicely arranged apartment. As I said, her looks started to change. To the better. She was sexier. Sometimes when it was possible, her daughter would go to her grandmother, to her colleagues, or to her relatives in a nother town, And, I came to hers, and sleep at her appartment. On one of these mornings, when I was getting ready to go to work. I noticed and she told me, that she receives text messages (every morning) on the company phone, and „here, this (fellow coworker) comes to take me to go to work with the car”, „well, I said, who is this ? ”. Well, the boss’s son (Laurent, then I found out) who came every morning approx 15-20 minutes before 8 o’clock and with the company car, took her from the front of her appartment block and went to work. But, until she came, I was surprised by her agitation, she changed one blouse with another, this lipstick with another, the jeans with the denim demi-skirt, she arranged and checked herself in the mirror. In the end, she put on her denim demi-skirt, even though I told her it didn’t fit her very well. I also told her, that when she goes out with me, she doesn’t shake like that, she puts what she finds on her, she arranges herself once and that’s it, we go out . Also then, during the day(s), when I was talking on the phone, many times, I realized that she was in town, doing chores for work, going to the banks, for payments, invoices, etc .., but the driver was the boss’s son, Laurent, which stayed waiting in the car. And sometimes, she told me, to leave her alone and not call her because she happens to be at the counter and can’t even answer all the time. After that she told me that he, Laurent, apr 30 years old, has money, like, his father gives him enough, and he always goes to eat in the city, at a local restaurant X. Where, one day, what would like be for us to go there too, because they eat well there, she knows, because that’s what’s Laurent told her. We went there, it was nice, cozy, a summer time terrace, but I was surprised, that she knew well waht the table arrangement was like, where to sit, at which table, further in the front, further in the back, and..look now they brings us for starters a free votka shot .. We took exactly the X soup, which she knew was good, because Laurent told her, you see… he ate there every day.

There at the table, she told me, and I didn’t like it, about Laurent’s unhappy family story, because their father, the boss, hit them all with the fist in the head and that’s why his younger brother Laurel, was a little ******. Well, a very sad story, but I didn’t like to hear it at all, and especially to see my girlfriend, in front of me how she simply put her soul on a plate, presenting me cliche-sad stories served from Laurent.

I was thinking then, when did Laurent had the time to open his soul and unfold them ... stories like that? On the way to work, on the way to the bank, or at the table at the X place?, which she told me they did not visit together.

While I was thinking about all this, surprise, her face opens with a smile, as only I knew she smiled at me when we first met, and greets Laurent, who had also entered the terrace, I being with my back to the entrance, When I returned to greet him, I noticed with surprise that as soon as I looked into his eyes, he avoided my gaze.

I had a discussion with her, the following days, her answer: „don’t worry, my beloved, I’m not cheating on you, this is a kid, can’t you see that he’s also shy, trust me”.

After about this moment, she started to go to work with her car. Some time later, in the winter, I found out that she was „receiving” from work, the gasoline needed for travel, for all the trips she made in the city, including work. She didn’t want to tell me too much, as if it was a big hush-hush state secret. I said that I have to trust her and that she’s ok, she’s doing well.

Also, somehow, at that time, at her work, another colleague co-worker appeared, Mitchell, also about 30 years old, with a very sporty fast car, not quite new, bu which she praised. About Mitchell she herself said that „he’s handsome „, and that” he proposed to another woman colleague a „short one without obligations”.. after which she immediately said to me ”stay calm, not me”.

On weekends, Saturdays and even Sundays, she would receive text messages, phone calls from work, some of them from this Mitchell, and go to the kitchen, after that even go to work, she would not stay all day, for a few hours, to solve various work problems. I said considering that I have to trust her, (because in my previous relationship I’ve had a lot of quarrels, and that’s why I wanted to be different, and I considered that I have to trust her).

And for many reasons, for me,  she was a trustworthy woman.

However, once, in a week-end, she was right next to me, and she was talking to this Mitchell, on the company phone, her voice was quite melodious, after she hung up, she immediately changed the voice register with me, something like just a little loosing the temper a bit. I warned her, and I told her that I don’t know why when she talks to Mitchell it’s just milk and honey and for me she changes and talks like a slightly nervous person. She looked at me, surprised, she didn’t say anything, but I don’t remember hearing Mitchell calls, maybe she was more attentive. And I think they used another means of comunication, like chatting.

This was followed by other events, departures with superfas car and Mitchell to another town , to pay money for the workers, from the office there.

On perhaps the first roadtrip, on the way back, let’s say around 13.00 I called, and with surprise, I heard that, as if she didn’t feel like talking, as if she was ill, as if her voice wasn’t even, as if her head hurt, I do not know what to say and she quickly hung up on me.

The first impulse was to call again, but I said not to get angry like on my previous relations.

I waited for a while, and  when I thought she should have gotten home, and I called. „I’m home, but I don’t want you to come, my head hurts, I’m tired, I just want to take a shower and go to bed” .. I called later, she didn’t answer, then somewhere around 20.30, I asked her what is the problem with her, is she ill or something? and that I wanted to see her, to see each other, at least to talk .. answer: “don’t come, I don’t want to see you, I’m tired, now I’ve jus woken up, and I’m very tired” Let’s see each other tomorrow” .. But , that did not happen, not next tomorrowbut the day after tomorrow.

It seemed very strange to me, and I stayed a long time and thought, and now, I say to myself that I did the wrong thing. And now, even that I realize I do not have practically no evidence, but still, it seemes very strange to me.

There have been more departures like these.

She even told me not to worry, and not to call when she’s gone, because she has money with her, also a lot of papers, which she has to take care, and sometimes she doesn’t have the time to answer the phone.

Also, during that period, I noticed in her, some kinid of states of daydreaming, that is, she remained hanging for a moment, as if she remembered something, and for a moment, a second, or two, she looked like she was .. disconnected .. I asked her “what is it with you, i sit something on your mind? Tell me, please” „No, nothing”

Another time, after a moment of intimacy, she would say to me “it’s like having s_x with more men” .. for me, at first sight, it seemed like praise, (because I somehow know that i do well in bed) but after that, I even told her, “you were for me like a woman-child, that’s how I was used to know you, but now I really don’t recognize you anymore „.

Another time, instead of ... „more men”, but also after the moment of intimacy, just like that, suddenly, the question „how it would be like the s_x in group?” At this I was perplexed for a moment. I no longer recognized my once good girl.

In any case, as I have told her several times, that (2016) is the year, she changed.

I allso had a key from her appartment, and she also had a key from mine, and that year, in the fall, she asked me for the key to her apartment, on the grounds that she needed it, and the reserve she had, was someho not functional, the key in the lock no longer spins well, etc. I didn’t say anything. , I returned it, I behaved as if there was no problem, but I remembered. For example, until we parted the key from my apartment, stayed with her all the time.

That year, 2016 , also 2017, the phone beeped very oftne, even at night, at odd hours, like 3 o clock. In daytime she told me there were messages from her biggest daughter, to whom she very often communicated on wats.p. f.cbook and so on. And at night, perhaps there were updates or automated messages from  F.cb.ook games which she allways played.

After some time, I noticed her phone was silent, when we had to be toghether, and rarely she did chatting on the phone, when we were sitting at a coffe table in town, (like in the early years).

Also , at some point, the password was changed, (the old one I knew, but like I said, I did not do PI investigator work , like in my previous relations, I wanted to do things different) and when I asked her what was it she graciously smiled. And avoided the matter.

Point and from the beginning.

On Fac.e.bo.ok, Mitchell received likes at all the pictures he was in, except for the pictures in which he was with his girlfriend, fiancée and later his wife. Also, the wedding pictures, in general, received likes, but only the pictures in which he was, not the pictures in which he was with his wife.

She also told me that Mitchell was forced to marry her, that is, she was already pregnant, and when she said it, I detected a slight regret on Mira’s face.

Two years later, in the week when Mitchell’s wedding took place,  I also noticed what seemed like apathetic trance. and it was was something like a deja-vu for me, it seemed very similar to the "reveries" from 2016. „what’s wrong with you, what do you have, you are as if it’s not you” The answer: „Leave me, please, don’t worry, it will pass.”

Even the weekend before the wedding, she outdid herself, invited me to her house, asked me what dishes to prepare for me, it was ... like a dream.

Maybe there is more to say, but I’ve already written too much.

Twice (dec 2018 and dec2019) I had some outbursts, quarrels , with reproaches, regarding these episodes and .. some others, more ... unimportant.

It is something that bothers me, that at these lengty quarrels, which took place on Wh.t.sapp, I could not recall that my questions were adressed normaly, that is, I did not receive answers, only deflexion,  minimalization, point blank laughing and mocking… that is … something I have read and i tis called .. gaslighting.

Everything took place only in my head, nothing was real, she did not do anything, she did not recall what I just blabbing, because of course, there were not real, there were only my vivid imagination, and everyting stemmed from my insecurities which was to blame , and everythong came from my jealousy.

Also she repeated that she constantly repaired our relation, that is,  after the two quarrles, she reconciled two times, and now she does not feel love for me, nor she doesn’t feel loved, she has a great emptynes in her heart, and surely this is not how she wants to be loved,  and our relation, is not good for neither of us, and that is why she wants that the two of us go separate ways for at least a period of time.

She also stated that she also did mistakes (only general) and that, perhaps, in the beggining, it would have been better that some common sense boundaries shoul be set.

Somehow, a different approach , because before I was the sole guilty, I was only imagining, and I was insecure and jealous.

Whether I do not have proof for the events which I recounted above, I think that they are alarm signals, like red flags.

I think, and this is one of my mistakes, that I had to discuss them on the spot, which I did not.

I think that, if  I was finally dissatisfied with her response or the evolution of events, I should have withdrawn.

I have choosen to indulge, to accumulate in myself, and when everything erupted, on the other side I did not receive any answers. Only deflexion and some good old gaslighting.

Somehow, at my initiative, I managed to reach an armistice, like choosing to trust her, declaring that I agree that nothing happened, and ... I saw that after this,  she joyfully, tearfully, agreed to remain together. (january 2020)

It should also be said, that in the fall of 2018, when she moved to the big company, I noticed that on her Fac.e.bo.ok page, my pictures disappeared. The relationship was not declared either. I asked why, the answer: „do you know how much my (woman) coworkers are commenting?” even now I couldn’t understand why, and what her coworkers were commenting on, so she had to take out the pictures with me from Fc.e.bo.ok.

However, after that , something happened in the meantime, maybe the pandemic, we saw each other even less often, I won’t go into details, but somewhere last winter, we were togehther at hers, she was talking on watsapp, but somehow, she was going again to the kitchen. I thought to myself, what would be the reason for her to go to the kitchen, and possibly to talk on video, with various acquaintances that I also knew, or… ..? I told her that this made me remember 2016 when he was talking in the kitchen with ... cooworkers.

She was a little upset, and said nothing.

I think it was something in the air, and … so we began to see saw each other rarely, and when the end approached, very rarely, and only at my place.

Somehow last time when we took a walk in the center of the town she had a tendency to choose less walked streets.

The glass filled up with bitterness and when the quarrel broke out, this time it was bad.

And I, in turn, although I didn’t want to, bring back in discussion, episodes and events over which I had consciously chosen that I would not discuss them again.

Although I tried to stay calm, I did not succeed.

We had some long fuelled arguments, we even met, and I’m sorry that instead of going up to my apartment, we chose to walk through the park, and we argued again.

She constantly reproached me that I had insecurities and that I was jealous, which I consider to be true. But… Again I feel that deflexion and gaslighting were heavily used.

I also told all this story to some good friends of mine, men who, in general, thought that they, as well as me, would have been alarmed at the events I told.

At the the episode with the text messages, they considered that I did it right.

I also told to two good friends of mine, women, who this time considered that, somehow they would not be so alarmed at the episodes with her two coworkers. But instead the episode with text messages, from her boss , and employee, for them, it is clear, her boss had a relationship with her, both before and after our relationship began. And then, I should have put my foot in the door and… had a discussion with her, and practically end it, and I to leave, because for them it was clear that her boss would not give up.

It’s clear that for me, even if it’s over, this whole story grinds me.

I asked some friends for an opinion.

After our last quarrels she blocked me on everything possible. Even her account on F.c.b.ook. is invisible for me. Like I said, she was very upset when I told her that practically all Mitchell’s pictures received likes, and somehow considered it stalking.

I also did not contact her on anything (they are blocked), did not go to her place, nor her work, nor wish her “Happy Birthday” , that is - on email. Only I visited her fc.b.ook account where I was at first unfriended. The single thing I did , was, at exactly one month, from our last quarell in the park , I sent an email, asking for forgiveness. The answer was very direct: I do not want anymore, and please do not bother me again. 

She is behaving like a woman who is fed up by her jealous ex .

Is it possible that she is the real thing? Or is she is a very clever liar , (I also noticed some other white lies along the path) and she is gaslighting me.

Somehow I feel , but I am not sure, that after our last quarell , and after our armistice, she really wanted to stay , that is , if I declared that nothing bad happened, because if she did not want it , she would not reconcile with me.

Somehow, something along the way , happened, and it was not me cheating, it was not me having bursts of anger to her,, my only „sins” were these quarrels, and these questions, which she said were accusations wich deprived her of her energy, because i do not trust her.

Oh, but i did, in the begining, untill…  redflags mentioned above appeared.

Is it possible that I can be so stupid that I pushed her over the top?

It is possible that she is completely genuine, and I a complete fool?

But then again , I recount all the story before, 

I would like to know your opinions. Thank you.

Edited July 2, 2021 by Morralles
mispelling

[smackie9]

If it feels this bad...walk away.

Edited July 2, 2021 by smackie9

[Caauug]

That's a long one.... Looks like lots of red flags. Try to remember a few things when dealing with people:

Actions speak loader than words. What she tells you may not be a direct lie but it may not mean the same to her as it does to you. Actions are much harder to mislead people with.

People will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. If she knows she can lie and gaslight you and you still want her, she will lie and gaslight you. This also shows your weaknesses and that lowers your attractiveness in her.

Walk away, go NC and heal. Work out, get in shape, and take up your hobbies again. Eat healthy.