Help me get over this resentment!

[Betty_Betty]

I'm not even sure how to word this but basically I feel like I massively resent my partner lately for doing whatever he wants, whereas I have to look after the kids and can't really do anything without permission.

Our son is 18 months old, we broke up about two months after he was born due to me developing severe Postnatal Depression, I talked to him about it and he kept going out with his friends and leaving me with the kids... this was when Covid first started so I was stuck in the house not seeing friends and family but he was still going to work and his friends houses. I basically walked out on him because I felt so overwhelmed and I was suicidal due to the PND, but felt like he wasn't bothered.
We were separate for about a year, my mental health has got much much better thankfully and we decided to try our relationship again only three months ago. We don't live together but I've told him he can come see me and our son whenever he wants, but he only comes over two days a week and I sleep over at his once a week.

Over the past month he's gone out every weekend, and still only come to see our son twice a week. The first one that annoyed me was when he changed his work shift to start earlier so he could go to the pub to watch the football, I have no problem with him doing that except he only told me last minute and it meant he was with our son less than normal (if he saw him more than twice a week it wouldn't bother me as much). Then he went away with his dad overnight over that same weekend, so he didn't see our son that weekend. Sunday's are one of the days that he sees our son. I'm always the one to go to him to get him to spend time with our son on other days.

Then the next weekend is the one that's really got me. I told him I was going out on Saturday with a friend who lives a few hours away and I only see once a year. I only ever go out once a year and I'm always back by 11pm as I don't like getting drunk or staying out late. I gave him a weeks notice of this, but the day before I was going out I asked if he wanted to go anywhere together with the kids before I went out and he told me he couldn't because he's going drinking with his friends all day and sleeping over until Sunday night. Which meant I couldn't go out with my friend because my partner is the only babysitter I have for late night. I then told him I had already booked and paid for a nail appointment at the beauty salon, I never get any beauty treatments but I booked it ready for my night out and as I'd already paid for it I wanted to go, but then he told me that he was leaving early in the morning so I couldn't go.

The thing that bothered me most is that he told me all of this very last minute, literally the night before. Even though I told him I was going a week before! Then he got so drunk on the Saturday, he couldn't take care of our son on the Sunday!

It's left me massively resenting him. Why is it ok for him to just go off and do things without thinking about me or our son, but I can't do anything. I have to get my mum to babysit during the day for work, but I don't have anyone to babysit for anything else other than my partner.... He's his dad!

I asked him last week if he wanted to take our son to his playgroup whilst he's off work, he told me he couldn't because he got a notification off the NHS app to say he had been in contact with someone who had Covid and he needs to isolate. But he continued to do the school run for his other son, he went to the pub for breakfast with his friend and he took his other son to soft play... instead of isolating.

I have become more sensitive since having PND, so I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. Hence why I'm here asking you 🤷

My partner's going out tonight to watch the football and I know that's not a problem, but I've found myself getting really annoyed because he's just doing it. Again he only told me this morning and it was very much, I'm doing this tonight bye. No second thought, I sleep over at his every Saturday and I have no problem with football, he knows I'll be watching it myself at his house. But again I'm going to be left with our son, he'll probably be asleep by the time the match starts so I know it's not a problem and it's just because I'm annoyed at the other things but I'm starting to resent every little thing, even when they're not real problems.

I'm still taking medication for my PND and I speak to my GP regularly to make sure I don't get bad again. Is it just because I'm not fully over this? I feel like I'm being controlling if I say I don't want him to go out but I also feel like I'm very much on my own with DS.
I have spoken to him about it all recently, and he's said he knows he need to buck his game up but nothing has really changed since then.

[Happy Lemming]

You had a child with an immature man that wasn't ready to be a father.

You decided to keep the child and assumed the father would mature and become responsible.

The father may resent you for keeping the child and (right or wrong) he may consider it your responsibility to care for this child.

His "good times" are more important to him than this child.  I doubt you are going to change him anytime soon. 

He may (eventually) grow up and decide to become a more responsible parent, but you can't force him to do that.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Betty_Betty said:

I basically walked out on him because I felt so overwhelmed and I was suicidal due to the PND. 

We don't live together but I've told him he can come see me and our son whenever he wants

Sorry this is happening. Are you living with supportive family? 

First you need to go to the courts and file for child support on behalf of your son.

This may cut into his booze and partying budget but your son has legal rights.

Second stop heading over there for booty call. Only communicate regarding your son and end it.

He is not going to change, you can't fix him. Booze, carousing and partying came first and still do.

 When you get rid of dead weight like this, you open yourself up to being  happy one day perhaps with another (but decent) single parent.

[Betty_Betty]

Thanks for replying. I was with him for two years before I got pregnant, he didn't go out very much over them two years and he has another son from a previous relationship who he always has time for, so when I found out I was pregnant I didn't think it would be so different. We spoke about whether we should keep the child or not and he was adamant that he wanted to keep it and be a good dad.

I live on my own with our son but my parents live very close and I spend a lot of time there when I need to. I've been coming to his house to develop our relationship, not just for a booty call. 

I'm not specifically trying to fix him in a sense, I always believed that if you have a problem you talk about it and give a second chance, after that you leave if it keeps happening. As I said I did talk to him and the only thing that's happened since is tonight's football, which I don't know whether that's just me feeling resentful in general or an actual problem. 

[Happy Lemming]

So now this guy has two illegitimate children...

28 minutes ago, Betty_Betty said:

 ...he was adamant that he wanted to keep it and be a good dad.

 

I think that would have been the perfect time to discuss getting married & being a family (together - under the same roof).

Did you two ever discuss marriage prior to having a child together??

Edited July 3, 2021 by Happy Lemming

[Betty_Betty]

No, we never discussed getting married. We did move in together whilst I was pregnant but broke up two months after DS was born so it obviously didn't last too long. We didn't have these problems while I was pregnant, just after DS was born.

[Happy Lemming]

There isn't a whole lot you have control of (regarding your baby-daddy). 

You can receive child support and you can stop seeing him.

You can attempt to set up a visitation schedule, but there is no guarantee he will even attempt to stick to it.

 

[stillafool]

Get your child support and have visitation set up through the courts.  This guy isn't going to morp into the wonderful family man you are wishing for.  He would have proposed and married you by now if that was the case.  He doesn't mind making kids because he knows it isn't going to cost him anything (CS) and no one is going to make him adhere to a schedule.  I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't end up with a 3rd baby momma.

[BaileyB]

I would not ever chose to be in a relationship with this man. He is not prepared to be a partner or a parent. 

[ShyViolet]

This guy is not interested in reconciling his relationship with you or being a parent to your child. He's making it clear that his priorities are elsewhere, and you absolutely can't change that.  The fairytale family life with him is not going to happen, I'm sorry.  You had a child with a person who is immature and not interested in being a father or a stable partner to you.  Stop expecting anything from him, you are not going to get it.  Just get your legal affairs in order and file for child support.  That's really the only thing you are going to be able to do.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I agree with pretty much everything everyone above said. The issue isn't your resentment. If anything, it's your expectations. 

Forget what was said and done before as this guy really is showing you where his priorities lay--and it's not with you or your baby. 

He is just not in it. Whatever you get you'll have to force, like child support. Sorry. I hope one day you'll find yourself in a much better situation. Start looking to yourself to be parent and problem-solver. That includes as was mentioned above: set up child support and visitation through the courts.