Being married to a stranger

[spiderowl]

On 7/6/2021 at 9:07 PM, Mike_Lewis said:

Oh, I thought about that to be honest.

Thank you. I would definitely want shared custody, that seems to be the best possible option for the children.

I have to say, if it were me and I could afford it, I would want to know exactly where all that money went.  I doubt you could get it back but if your wife is involved in anything criminal or in gambling, would you rather know or remain ignorant about it?  It might be relevant to who has custody of the children.  Above all else, I would want to know what she really was up to, the whole story.

[Mike_Lewis]

15 hours ago, spiderowl said:

When we get married, we trust.  Marriage is about choosing that one person we can trust above all others.

Thank you. That is probably a central point in all of this. I started psychotherapy and it seems to be helping, I only realized now how deep I am in the hole.

[lonelyplanetmoon]

On 7/12/2021 at 1:17 PM, Mike_Lewis said:

True. I've been raised as a kid to do precisely that. Ignoring and assuming that somethings can't be fixed was a very present mindset during my childhood. Things that only years later I understood didn't have to be like that and actually should have been different. I know that psychotherapy will be hard, because it will unravel things that would be more comfortable if kept deeply secluded. But now I have come to the conclusion that I should have brought them to light way before, since many of my choices with this relationship are fundamentally rooted in insecurity and a sense of "let's stick to this, I won't be able to get a better girlfriend anyway, I probably don't deserve anything better".

You are not alone in thinking this.  I also believed exactly this and could have said these exact words.

For me the unraveling never became too much as I had feared. The unlocking gave me freedom and empowered me.  I learned for the first time that it was ok to have feelings AND that I had a right to my feeling whether they were good or bad.  Such a simple concept but many of us are blind to it.

But do take responsibility for your life.  Learning to understand your feelings is hard work!  I wish you luck on your journey.