Is it a deal-breaker?

[Ktlate]

Hi, 

So I have been with my partner almost 2 years, when I first dated him I knew he was a flirty character, he's very outgoing which I do love about him. However, over time I've let insecurity fester (perhaps due to previous heartbreak and cheating - something I need to delve into), but this as well as his chatacter  has led me to recently check his phone. Immoral and wrong, I know and something I'm now carrying a lot of guilt for.

We are about to officially move into our first place together and I suppose I wanted reaffirm everything was solid with us. Stupidly, I checked a group chat of his. (I'm aware his friends are quite typically "lads" who make a lot of locker room talk, which is fine), but I was supsrised to see how much my other half was participating/encouraging some of it. I'm talking really graphic sharing of videos, disgustingly crude comments about known women etc. But the bit that got to me was that, about 8 months ago he went on an a staycation for one night with some friends. He very openly back then said that two of his friends invited two girls up to the room (these two friends I know are not the most straight-laced). I respected that he told me on the night that they were there so I didn't think much about it. On this group chat however, I can see he has shared videos to his friends with his arms around them on that night, and then one of them dancing around in her bikini and took a selfie with one with a caption like "living his best life". 

Now whilst it might all be innocent it has made me see him differently. I'm now not sure if I want this sort of character to start a new chapter with. I can't stand that whole male bravado type thing. We are days away from moving, do I open up and tell him? Do I look like I am overreacting? And is this fixable? 

 

Thanks

K

 

 

[Alpacalia]

43 minutes ago, Ktlate said:

We are days away from moving, do I open up and tell him? Do I look like I am overreacting? And is this fixable? 

An arm round somebody isn't a huge issue.

He sounded like he was simply parading his “stuff” to me.

It may all be benign flirtation on his part, in a way.

Flirting, on the other hand, can lead to more promiscuous conduct, which isn't always so innocent in terms of commitment and faithfulness.

Try to distinguish which activities are harmful and which are simply as*hole behavior.

Notice how you feel about it. Boundaries are difficult to reason or intellectualize. It’s a feeling thing. Keep in mind that you infringed on his privacy, which could be one of the most compelling reasons to end a relationship.

[Wiseman2]

I wouldn't move in with someone whose integrity you question and whose sleazy behavior makes you uncomfortable.

How old is he? You already had misgivings, that's why you checked his phone.

Trust your judgement and instinct. 

Playing house is not going to be a happy situation for you.

[NYAG]

As someone who has been in relationships where I wasn't sure how trustworthy the other person was (and have been cheated on too), and felt driven to obsessionally check phones, social media accounts etc I certainly wouldn't be moving in with this guy. I see red flags and no go areas, but that's just me and my experience.

[smackie9]

You are the company you keep. He has sleazy friends, and your BF is a sleazy spectator. There is no way I would tolerate this kind of thing. my husband's friends would take their wedding rings off before going to the bar. When he saw what they were up to he stopped hanging out with them because he's that kind of guy. Since your BF lives through and on the cusp of sleaziness thinking it's OK,  I suggest you finding a new BF. You don't need to be fixed, and he can't be fixed...this is who he is before you started dating...there's no changing that.

Edited July 6, 2021 by smackie9

[glows]

The best predictor of future behaviour is also past behaviour so use that to determine whether you'll be able to see your future self with this man. 

Let's say you moved in with him, would your mind race thinking about what he's doing with his friends or what he's not telling you? 

Or, let's say you're busy and he's on his phone texting his buddies, where would your mind go and would you trust what he's doing? 

If it turns your stomach this early being with someone, it only gets worse later. Think of your peace of mind and whether there's any trust or respect left there in the relationship. Without those it's not possible to continue. Good luck.

[Daisydooks]

Knowing what I know at my age, Id leave now and not move in. Being a 20 something year old years ago, I dove head first into Red Flags. Dont be me. Lol. 

This is not going to end the way you'd like. Actions like this will have you forever skeptical when he goes out for the night. Life is way to short for that and checking phone nonsense. Promise 

Im sorry youre going through this. In the future, dump him before checking his phone - your gut is right. Listen to it before engaging in this nonsense. You didnt trust him before you knew any of this. That is enough to leave over