Ex sending mixed signals

[lulu_crazygal]

I’m the female dumpee who was the one throwing temper tantrums whenever I didn’t get my way even when he didn’t do anything wrong. If I’m having a bad day and he couldn’t comfort me in time, I’d lash out at him. He does not like my volatile mood swings and has told me repeatedly over the past 2 years to fix them. I failed to do so and he dumped me. He said he will always be here if I need help but he cannot go back into the toxic relationship anymore. We broke up 2 weeks ago. I have apologised and he said that there isn’t anything to apologise for, and it just is the way it is. He sounds resigned. I have gone on no contact. He did give me a call last week to see how I’m doing but I was busy with work so I cut the call short and ended it abruptly. He hasn’t contacted me since. He’s also going through personal issues, and I’m not sure if he has the time for me. What should I do since I was the one at fault and screwed things up? I do want him back but I don’t know if he wants to try again because for us to work, he would also need to put in effort and he said that he doesn’t see a future with us but I feel that our issues may be fixable if he’s willing to try. So I’m going NC to give him space to miss me. Thank you. Would love some advice please!

[glows]

It's not a good idea to manipulate anyone into liking you or loving you. If he's telling you he doesn't see a future with you, believe it. Give yourself more time for this to sink in. 

It's been two years so he's had plenty of time to think through this sadly. Work on your anger management issue and stay single for awhile. The more you keep pining after him the less respect he'll have for you. Not only have you taken out your frustration on him for years, you are also not understanding when over means over. It was wrong of him to offer any support. I think he was saying it out of compassion but don't misinterpret it for something else.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, lulu_crazygal said:

 my volatile mood swings 

See a physician about this. It doesn't matter who you are with, you need to get your mental health appropriately evaluated and treated.  Get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, lulu_crazygal said:

he said that he doesn’t see a future with us

It hurts, but you need to believe him here. If he's telling you this, it means he doesn't want to try again. 

It sometimes really is too little, too late. When the relationship has had the same problems for a while and nothing was resolved, it can absolutely extinguish any desire the other person may have once had. It is very draining to be with someone who cannot or does not regulate their emotions, and it is indeed enough to call it all off and move on. 

I think he cares about you and sincerely wants to be sure that you are okay, but nothing more than that. He doesn't seem to realize that you interpret him reaching out to you as a sign of something else, but perhaps now he will leave you be. You should be getting help for your emotional volatility in any case, as you don't want to repeat the same behaviour in future relationships. But do it for you, and not because you think it will bring him back. That ship has sailed, unfortunately. 

[lulu_crazygal]

Thanks, yea I figured that and needed to hear it. I realised now that my anxieties are triggered by the lack of commitment and being in limbo. It is a terrible state to be in and it makes people crazy and do crazy things. Constantly anxious and jealous and worried and you just can’t be present in that moment. Yea, I’m gonna let this go. Hopefully with time, if it’s meant to be, we will find our way back to each other

Edited July 5, 2021 by lulu_crazygal

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, lulu_crazygal said:

I realised now that my anxieties are triggered by the lack of commitment and being in limbo. It is a terrible state to be in and it makes people crazy and do crazy things.

No, we are always in control of our rections to those fears and anxiety. That is what separates an adult with appropriate emotional regulation skills, and a child who hasn't yet learned to control their impulses and communicate their pain effectively. 

But if we are in a relationship that triggers such terrible anxiety, we need to ask ourselves why we are still there. What are you referring to by a lack of commitment and being in limbo?

[lulu_crazygal]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, we are always in control of our rections to those fears and anxiety. That is what separates an adult with appropriate emotional regulation skills, and a child who hasn't yet learned to control their impulses and communicate their pain effectively. 

But if we are in a relationship that triggers such terrible anxiety, we need to ask ourselves why we are still there. What are you referring to by a lack of commitment and being in limbo?

Agree, he said the same thing as well. That it is normal to ask for attention or affection but it’s not ok to throw a tantrum when you don’t get what you want. Well lack of commitment / limbo in that he wasn’t sure whether he saw a future together because he’s still “afraid of my mood swings” and I went and did just that

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, lulu_crazygal said:

He did give me a call last week to see how I’m doing but I was busy with work so I cut the call short and ended it abruptly.

So, even when he reaches out to you (which he didn’t have to do, considering you had broken up), you are rude to him. There is little wonder why he hasn’t called again, after two years of this I’m sure he is very resigned. 

You may want to consider counselling to help you to learn how to manage your emotions. You should have the ability to self regulate without a) looking to a man for constant reassurance and attention and b) taking your frustration/insecurity/unhappiness or whatever else you happen to be feeling on that day out on him. 

Good luck to you!

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lulu_crazygal said:

Well lack of commitment / limbo in that he wasn’t sure whether he saw a future together because he’s still “afraid of my mood swings” and I went and did just that

I can't blame him, lulu. 

Nobody wants to deal with someone who throws tantrums and lashes out when she is upset. It is destructive and childish. 

So I have to ask, how old are you? Do you behave this way with anyone else in your life, or just with your ex? What happens when you get angry  - yell, swear, throw things, what? 

[lulu_crazygal]

2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I can't blame him, lulu. 

Nobody wants to deal with someone who throws tantrums and lashes out when she is upset. It is destructive and childish. 

So I have to ask, how old are you? Do you behave this way with anyone else in your life, or just with your ex? What happens when you get angry  - yell, swear, throw things, what? 

I just swear, that’s all. Oh and I just make really sarcastic snarky comments. I once said that things like I have no respect for you etc. just a lot of condescending comments - I know it’s awful. Emotions run high, logic runs low. Oh I’m 30 lol I know too old to be doing this s***. He’s much older than me. 

[stillafool]

20 minutes ago, lulu_crazygal said:

He’s much older than me. 

If this is the case it must be waring on his last nerve.  When a man tells you he sees in future with you it is time to accept it and move on.  With therapy and self reflection you will not make this mistake in future relationships.  I agree after 2 years together (commitment) he sees no future.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, lulu_crazygal said:

Oh I’m 30 lol I know too old to be doing this s***.

Then why do you do it?

Do you do this with anyone you're mad at, or only him?

[ShyViolet]

You say that you throw temper tantrums and have volatile mood swings, but you haven't once mentioned  working on yourself and getting some mental health care to fix these problems.  Stop focusing on this ex ,and get yourself some professional help to work on your issues.  This behavior is not OK and it will stand in the way of you ever having a healthy relationship in the future if you don't work on it.

[lulu_crazygal]

On 7/6/2021 at 3:57 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Then why do you do it?

Do you do this with anyone you're mad at, or only him?

Only when I’m mad at him.. so he has reached out a couple of times since but mainly to ask me how’s my cat. Very polite and brief interaction. I replied then a few texts in between and then he ended the convo. Not quite sure what’s going on?

[lulu_crazygal]

On 7/6/2021 at 4:27 AM, ShyViolet said:

You say that you throw temper tantrums and have volatile mood swings, but you haven't once mentioned  working on yourself and getting some mental health care to fix these problems.  Stop focusing on this ex ,and get yourself some professional help to work on your issues.  This behavior is not OK and it will stand in the way of you ever having a healthy relationship in the future if you don't work on it.

Yup I am going for therapy to work on it. I realised that it’s only with regards to him and it happens especially when he pulls away and I get upset and that further escalates things. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, lulu_crazygal said:

Only when I’m mad at him..

So you are fully capable of controlling it, in other words. 

Given that you don't inappropriately lash out at other people, you are showing him  you can control control of yourself. You know temper tantrums won't fly with most people at work, with friends, among family, the lady at the supermarket cash register, and so on. So you choose another reaction when you're upset with other people. But not with him. You choose anger and insults and offensive language with him. That almost surely hurt him more than you realize. And it damaged your relationship more than you realized. 

My read on him reaching out is that he does indeed want to be sure that you are alright, but that's all, really. I am sure he cares about you even though he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. Ask him to please not contact you unless he wants to discuss reconciliation, if you find these short exchanges difficult. 

But do seek therapy, as you mentioned. You need to get to the bottom of why you give yourself permission to behave like that with an intimate partner. 

[lulu_crazygal]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

So you are fully capable of controlling it, in other words. 

Given that you don't inappropriately lash out at other people, you are showing him  you can control control of yourself. You know temper tantrums won't fly with most people at work, with friends, among family, the lady at the supermarket cash register, and so on. So you choose another reaction when you're upset with other people. But not with him. You choose anger and insults and offensive language with him. That almost surely hurt him more than you realize. And it damaged your relationship more than you realized. 

My read on him reaching out is that he does indeed want to be sure that you are alright, but that's all, really. I am sure he cares about you even though he doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. Ask him to please not contact you unless he wants to discuss reconciliation, if you find these short exchanges difficult. 

But do seek therapy, as you mentioned. You need to get to the bottom of why you give yourself permission to behave like that with an intimate partner. 

He mentioned that he was in the area and wanted to see if I was free to walk his dog with him. But it was in the middle of a work day and I had meetings so I couldn’t do it. That was before the latest message. I’m not quite sure what he’s doing. 

[chillii]

On 7/5/2021 at 10:22 PM, lulu_crazygal said:

Agree, he said the same thing as well. That it is normal to ask for attention or affection but it’s not ok to throw a tantrum when you don’t get what you want. Well lack of commitment / limbo in that he wasn’t sure whether he saw a future together because he’s still “afraid of my mood swings” and I went and did just that

 

That's just blaming him for yourself and your own crap though. We don't always get what we want but that's no excuse or free ticket to act like a psycho, that's on you. Of course he was everywhere who wouldn't be when that's what they're getting so nope , he was just checking on you. He has no interest in going back to that and sorry but neither will anyone else , you really need to start seeing somebody and working on your stuff, and taking responsibility for your own actions bc you won't be able to keep a relationship with anyone if you don't.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 20, 2021 by chillii

[glows]

On 7/10/2021 at 2:47 AM, lulu_crazygal said:

He mentioned that he was in the area and wanted to see if I was free to walk his dog with him. But it was in the middle of a work day and I had meetings so I couldn’t do it. That was before the latest message. I’m not quite sure what he’s doing. 

I’m sorry, Lulu. This is a man who’s feeling guilty for ending the relationship and possibly feels care and affection for you but my thoughts are he isn’t interested nor does he respect you (in the way a man adores or respects someone he wants to be with). He checks in with you because you’ve shown him how unable you are in taking care of yourself or regulating your emotions. He may possibly worry that you’re unstable and feeling unwell. 

Unless he’s actually asking you out on dates and bringing up the topic of reconciling in a sincere effort to meet on equal terms these are breadcrumbs and him only appeasing his guilt. Have you heard from him since and what has he said?