He's 'processing'….

[Ithurts17]

3 hours ago, Blondevsworld said:

Yeah. It’s probably for the best. Ugh. Heartbreak. It hurts. It hurts so bad when you don’t expect it. Just a sucker punch. I just don’t know how someone flips the switch so quickly. From him telling me “I’m so scared you’ll lose interest in me” and other comments that showed his insecurities. (I looked at him with compassion and an open heart and tried to calm those feelings for him in a loving way. ) to all of a sudden being so cold, ignoring me, flaking on every chance we were supposed to get together to talk. Totally ghosting me for hours and hours. 
 

Now its been a full week since I last texted with him. Ughhh taking it day by day here. In the thick of it. Thanks everyone for advice and input on my situation. 

Yeah but as time passes are you not feeling more human? My butterflies turned to heart ache and are now gone, 

 

his loss deep down just know it wasn’t your fault 

 

I saw a quote today which read 

 

You cannot force love 

you cannot make people care 

those things should happen naturally 

[Travis]

I totally agree with you.

[spiderowl]

At the moment, you are an independent individual so you do not have to tell him you left your job.  However, if he asks something about your job and you lie, that's a bit different.  I can understand him being concerned about that.

People say you didn't owe him any information but if he was considering a long-term relationship with you, then you owe him the truth when he asks about something.  He also owes you the truth.

He may have broken up with you for other reasons and used this as an excuse.  That's always a possibility.

I think what bothers me is that you were afraid of telling him the truth.  This says more about your relationship than anything.  If you trust a guy completely and feel safe with him, why would you not be honest about things in your life?  I am not saying you need to tell him everything about you, but the natural questions that crop up from time to time should not be a problem.  The problem is that YOU felt you could not tell him at the time.  There would not have been an issue otherwise, unless he 'found' one as an excuse to break up.

What was it about him that made you feel you couldn't be honest with him?  Maybe your instinct was telling you something important about this guy? - that he wouldn't be understanding, that he would be judgemental, something ...

I don't think you did anything wrong - in fact you sorted out your job situation all on your own like a responsible person would.  The more concerning aspect is that you did not trust this guy.  This may have been good judgement on your part, but think about it.  Maybe you dodged a judgemental, controlling character?  Who knows?  What was your instinct telling you about him?

Edited July 14, 2021 by spiderowl

[Blondevsworld]

On 7/14/2021 at 6:56 PM, spiderowl said:

At the moment, you are an independent individual so you do not have to tell him you left your job.  However, if he asks something about your job and you lie, that's a bit different.  I can understand him being concerned about that.

People say you didn't owe him any information but if he was considering a long-term relationship with you, then you owe him the truth when he asks about something.  He also owes you the truth.

He may have broken up with you for other reasons and used this as an excuse.  That's always a possibility.

I think what bothers me is that you were afraid of telling him the truth.  This says more about your relationship than anything.  If you trust a guy completely and feel safe with him, why would you not be honest about things in your life?  I am not saying you need to tell him everything about you, but the natural questions that crop up from time to time should not be a problem.  The problem is that YOU felt you could not tell him at the time.  There would not have been an issue otherwise, unless he 'found' one as an excuse to break up.

What was it about him that made you feel you couldn't be honest with him?  Maybe your instinct was telling you something important about this guy? - that he wouldn't be understanding, that he would be judgemental, something ...

I don't think you did anything wrong - in fact you sorted out your job situation all on your own like a responsible person would.  The more concerning aspect is that you did not trust this guy.  This may have been good judgement on your part, but think about it.  Maybe you dodged a judgemental, controlling character?  Who knows?  What was your instinct telling you about him?

I met with my therapist today and we talked about this.  I've discovered that I have some past trauma from my childhood that relates to why I felt the need to hide information and lie.  I'm not trying to make excuses; there is reasoning behind my behavior.  As a child my dad was emotionally withdrawn and I developed a habit of lying as a survival and coping mechanism because I was never really allowed to just 'BE' a child and express my emotions. If I did something bad/wrong I was met with an angry response from my parents-- specifically my father. I developed a fear of him at a young age, and actually feared my friends' fathers when I went over to their places for sleepovers. I was never comfortable expressing my feelings or telling the truth in fear of the reaction that I might be met with from the adult. As a little girl I learned that I couldn't tell the truth.....and this has unfortunately carried through my adult life effecting my intimate relationships. 

Just so painful because when I finally decided to reveal the truth--- it was like a self fulfilling prophecy moment where he proved to me and didn't show any understanding or compassion for the reason behind the action and he indeed judged and was unwilling to put himself in my shoes. My biggest fear was him leaving, and he did just that.  I also am aware that me lying was probably a huge trigger for him -- considering his past and he just couldn't get past the hurt that it caused him.  

Idk....what a crazy ride I went on for 6 months. Maybe I did dodge someone that really wasn't right for me. 

[Blondevsworld]

On 7/14/2021 at 7:15 PM, Olivia24 said:

Handling rejection is never easy. I understand you thinking everything  is your fault. Its  happened to me. I would say its  best to stop messaging him. Im sure you  will find someone  better  in time.

Oh yeah. I deleted his number.  On Day 15 of no contact with him. I don't expect to hear from him ever again. Nor will I be reaching out. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Blondevsworld said:

Oh yeah. I deleted his number.  On Day 15 of no contact with him. I don't expect to hear from him ever again. Nor will I be reaching out. 

You made some progress with your therapist and that's positive if you understand a bit more about what prompted you to avoid the truth at the start. Any time we have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves it is a good thing. 

Edited July 16, 2021 by glows

[AnnieB]

2 hours ago, Blondevsworld said:

I met with my therapist today and we talked about this.  I've discovered that I have some past trauma from my childhood that relates to why I felt the need to hide information and lie.  I'm not trying to make excuses; there is reasoning behind my behavior.  As a child my dad was emotionally withdrawn and I developed a habit of lying as a survival and coping mechanism because I was never really allowed to just 'BE' a child and express my emotions. If I did something bad/wrong I was met with an angry response from my parents-- specifically my father. I developed a fear of him at a young age, and actually feared my friends' fathers when I went over to their places for sleepovers. I was never comfortable expressing my feelings or telling the truth in fear of the reaction that I might be met with from the adult. As a little girl I learned that I couldn't tell the truth.....and this has unfortunately carried through my adult life effecting my intimate relationships. 

Just so painful because when I finally decided to reveal the truth--- it was like a self fulfilling prophecy moment where he proved to me and didn't show any understanding or compassion for the reason behind the action and he indeed judged and was unwilling to put himself in my shoes. My biggest fear was him leaving, and he did just that.  I also am aware that me lying was probably a huge trigger for him -- considering his past and he just couldn't get past the hurt that it caused him.  

Idk....what a crazy ride I went on for 6 months. Maybe I did dodge someone that really wasn't right for me. 

I commend you for going to therapy and helping you figure this out. And when you say self fulfilling prophecy - it’s true, sort of, but understand that you potentially are giving someone like him a chance because of your issues also. This was something that is still taking me a while to process in therapy. That even though I know where my issues come from and I understand the self fulfilling prophecy of them leaving me, I’m still choosing to stay with these people and come up with excuses to do so. So that’s the last hurdle I think in this healing is to literally bounce the minute you start being uncomfortable telling the truth. Observe which people in your life you don’t  have a  problem with telling the truth. And look for those same qualities these people have in your future partner.