Seperated man gone back to wife.

[Bluebell2389]

I met a guy on a dating website, lives nearby so agreed to meet. Said he has been single for 6 weeks after 11 years and moved in to his own place. We slept together a lot. Wasn’t looking for anything serious just a causal hook up, fine by me. He told me I was the first one since his split, he then told me they were seperated as married, she ended things and had gone with a close family friend etc.

 

I was aware they may rekindle. So I got a message on Friday saying he was giving his wife another lifeline, he was deleting his dating profile but wanted to message me as he thought he owed it to me. 
 

I said good luck and hope it works out and not to worry. 
 

Saturday morning he messaged and said it was really great sex and if they do divorce he will contact me 🙄. Said he was saving my number but probably shouldn’t as he would be tempted. 
 

I haven’t offered to have an affair or be the other woman, I was livid I was in this situation in the first place. Now my question is what do I do? We both work from home and literally round the corner from each other. It wasn’t a drunken one night stand that he felt awful about, we met up a few times and for a long time each time we did. 
 

He hasn’t deleted his dating profile yet, which I find odd considering. 

Do I just ignore him? Even if I remove him off the website he has my number anyway and knows where I live. 
 

I liked him and and from everyone that knows him and wife they seem to be nice normal people and he’s never strayed before. 
 

It’s not a situation I’ve ever been in before, but just have a feeling it’s not done and he doesn’t want to let me go or his marriage.

 

Also we live really close. His new house is 4 mins one way and his marital home is 4 mins the other. Literally in the middle so will likely see them both at some point. 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Bluebell2389 said:

Saturday morning he messaged and said it was really great sex and if they do divorce he will contact me 🙄. 

Sorry this happened. So many red flags 🚩.

This remark alone is a good reason to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

When someone talks to you like an unpaid escort, rethink what you are doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

Forget this guy. 

It doesn't matter that you live near each other. Just nod and keep moving if you see him. He is just looking for sex from you and is making that pretty clear. Not worth your time. 

[denwickdroylsden]

He's literally working both sides of the street and for all you know, has been doing so all along.  (I should know, I've been him.)  If you can accept that, and take up with him again for the sex (which from what you say was satisfying), I see no reason why not, as long as your eyes are wide open. 

[NYAG]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. So many red flags 🚩.

This remark alone is a good reason to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

When someone talks to you like an unpaid escort, rethink what you are doing.

@Bluebell2389 Geez, how kind of him to keep you on his maybe list if things don't work out at home - presuming this was the case at all. And the whole thing about shouldn't keep your number because..... block and move on. He clearly wants you to hang around as his stop gap and will probably contact you even if he does 'go back home'.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

4 hours ago, Bluebell2389 said:

1.  Said he has been single for 6 weeks after 11 years and moved in to his own place.

2. We slept together a lot. Wasn’t looking for anything serious just a causal hook up, fine by me. He told me I was the first one since his split, he then told me they were seperated as married, she ended things and had gone with a close family friend etc.

3. I was aware they may rekindle.

4. I was livid I was in this situation in the first place. Now my question is what do I do? 

5. He hasn’t deleted his dating profile yet, which I find odd considering. 

6. Do I just ignore him? Even if I remove him off the website he has my number anyway and knows where I live. 

7. It’s not a situation I’ve ever been in before, but just have a feeling it’s not done and he doesn’t want to let me go or his marriage.

Hi. I numbered some of your comments in the quote above and am replying by numbering my responses, respectively.

1. I suppose you know that any guy who's only been separated for 6 weeks after 11 years is usually still very attached to the person they recently broke up with. Thus, they are unavailable to meet any of your needs (besides a very casual, sometimes messy, fling with them and their baggage). 

2. He stated he could only offer causal and you agreed to those terms. (Also, the fact that she's the one who ended things indicates he's probably still invested in rekindling with her if she gives him the chance.) Main point is he stated what was on offer and you agreed it. 

3. You confirm knowing the above was the likely outcome. 

4. Now you're livid and confused what to do? Why? You knew what you were getting into and the likely outcome--it played out as expected. Why are you now livid and confused?

5. Are you checking the dating profile to try to discern if he's ditching you for his wife verses his next fling? Does it matter? He said casual and you agreed. There were no promises or commitments. 

6. You treat him like you would treat a casual neighbor that you barely know. Non-chalant, hi/bye, move on with your day. 

7. Frankly, you have a feeling it's not done because YOU don't want it to be done. However, it will be done when you decide it is done for you. He seems like he's pretty much done except for the part where he's offered to put you on the shelf in reserve for times his other sex opportunities with others are scarce. 

I'm not sure how honest you were being with yourself whenyou first entered into this, but it has played out as could be expected. 

I think either you were beginning to catch feelings or your ego is now bruised since he's decided to move on to other pastures (whether wife or someone new). 

I believe you can learn from this experience by asking yourself, 1) were you really ok with the terms when you agreed to them? and 2) if you could choose again knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice?

I'm betting the value here is to pay more attention to what it is you really want and commit to not accepting less ever. Don't put yourself in situations that will likely result in you being disappointed. 

Hope this helps. If you're feeling rejected by him, don't take it personally for all the abovementioned reasons. 

 

[Bluebell2389]

29 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Hi. I numbered some of your comments in the quote above and am replying by numbering my responses, respectively.

1. I suppose you know that any guy who's only been separated for 6 weeks after 11 years is usually still very attached to the person they recently broke up with. Thus, they are unavailable to meet any of your needs (besides a very casual, sometimes messy, fling with them and their baggage). 

2. He stated he could only offer causal and you agreed to those terms. (Also, the fact that she's the one who ended things indicates he's probably still invested in rekindling with her if she gives him the chance.) Main point is he stated what was on offer and you agreed it. 

3. You confirm knowing the above was the likely outcome. 

4. Now you're livid and confused what to do? Why? You knew what you were getting into and the likely outcome--it played out as expected. Why are you now livid and confused?

5. Are you checking the dating profile to try to discern if he's ditching you for his wife verses his next fling? Does it matter? He said casual and you agreed. There were no promises or commitments. 

6. You treat him like you would treat a casual neighbor that you barely know. Non-chalant, hi/bye, move on with your day. 

7. Frankly, you have a feeling it's not done because YOU don't want it to be done. However, it will be done when you decide it is done for you. He seems like he's pretty much done except for the part where he's offered to put you on the shelf in reserve for times his other sex opportunities with others are scarce. 

I'm not sure how honest you were being with yourself whenyou first entered into this, but it has played out as could be expected. 

I think either you were beginning to catch feelings or your ego is now bruised since he's decided to move on to other pastures (whether wife or someone new). 

I believe you can learn from this experience by asking yourself, 1) were you really ok with the terms when you agreed to them? and 2) if you could choose again knowing what you know now, would you make the same choice?

I'm betting the value here is to pay more attention to what it is you really want and commit to not accepting less ever. Don't put yourself in situations that will likely result in you being disappointed. 

Hope this helps. If you're feeling rejected by him, don't take it personally for all the abovementioned reasons. 

 

Hi, no not at all I was aware it was a casual thing. I was not aware that he was married.
 

I myself left a 10 year relationship 2 years ago so can relate to how he was feeling and I know how difficult it is. I was also aware he was more than likely going to go back because she ended things not him. 
 

I was livid that after telling me he was going back, I appreciate it, he didn’t have too.

Was that he still continued to message me on the dating site and mentioned the sex part. Then query keeping my number. If you have made the decision to go back and gave me the heads up why still message and say what he did? Just delete your profile, I highly doubt I was the first or the last so that also doesn’t bother me.

I don’t feel jilted I’m just concerned on the right way to go about things and if I had known any of this at the start I wouldn’t of gone near him obviously haha. 

so I appreciate the advice and I will just be civil if I do see him and his wife. Just don’t want an angry wife knocking on my door haha.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Bluebell2389 said:

I’m just concerned on the right way to go about things and if I had known any of this at the start I wouldn’t of gone near him obviously

And now that you do know these things, go back to your instinct about a guy like this: don't go anywhere near him anymore. 

I think he was BS-ing about deleting the dating app (for now) because he is still talking to or sleeping with other women on there. Saving up a couple more numbers "in case he gets divorced."

Even for a casual arrangement, I would be insulted by the insinuation that he would keep my number for good sex in case he divorces his wife. Ugh. Dude, bye. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he was BS-ing about deleting the dating app (for now) because he is still talking to or sleeping with other women on there.

This. The man is keeping his options open. 

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Even for a casual arrangement, I would be insulted by the insinuation that he would keep my number for good sex in case he divorces his wife.

Agree. I mean, he couldn’t even muster up something along the lines of “you are a really great person and I have really enjoyed the time we have spent together/getting to know you…” This was only ever about sex for him. He’s clearly telling you that he’s going to keep your number should he ever need it again in the future because he enjoyed the sex. I would find that very insulting, which I think you did as well by your 🙄

[Luna66star]

I agree with many of the prior comments.  He's talking to you like an unpaid prostitute. He in no way values you as a person, only a sex buddy.

You say you were ok with things being casual at the start.  Bad idea, even if it's true.  Women tend to get attached to men after sex.  Men don't.  It's just physical.

Unfortunately when we go along with a casual thing like this with  MM, we don't get treated with any respect.  

This went on far too long.  It should have only been 1 or 2 hookups if you were only looking for casual.  No wonder you can't let him go.  You bonded with him because of the sex over a long period of time.

Please turn and walk away from this mess immediately. He literally treated you like a hooker when commenting on how good the sex was 

 

 

 

[S2B]

Tell him to take a hike!

next guy verify his divorce is final before dating them!

speaking of that - did he ever plan a date and take you out on a date? 

what did he say was the reason his wife wanted to separate?

block him from ever contacting you again - this guy just wants to use you.

Edited July 6, 2021 by S2B

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Luna66star said:

I agree with many of the prior comments.  He's talking to you like an unpaid prostitute. He in no way values you as a person, only a sex buddy.

Agree. A good thing to use as screening criteria is completely free and clear to date.

That means no nebulous situations such living with ex, separated, "best friends" with ex, "like roommates", etc.

To prevent headaches and heartaches, avoid people who are using others as pawns or to fill voids. That includes the all of the above.

 

[Poppy47]

He's a douche.

Just chalk it up to life experience, swish you tail and turn your back on him

 

Poppy

[AnnieB]

You will play yourself and break your own heart if you stay in this a minute longer. Block and delete and run into whomever else you want on that street and that will be better than this guy.