Marriage in crisis

[Hopeless77]

Hi all, I don’t know if this is the right sub for this or not but I am at wits end with this. I’ll start with a little back story on me. Growing up I had it rough mentally and emotionally. My home life wasn’t that great. I was always beat on by my older brothers and cousins. I was the cry baby of the family. They picked on me because of my weight and whatever else they could find. My father wasn’t the nicest person in the world either. He always had anger issues. I wasn’t neglected in the sense of food and shelter I was neglected in the sense of love and affection. I was never told that I was loved, I was excluded on trips that my brothers would get invited to because they thought I wouldn’t have any fun, and I was just kinda left out of everything in general. 

 

    None of this stopped when I went to school either especially after we switched schools when I was in the 3rd grade. I was constantly picked on because of my weight, told I smelled, was ugly, and stupid. Not just occasionally but all of the time. Even as I gained friends I never realized how bad they would do the same stuff to me and I would just laugh about it because they were at least paying attention to me more so than anyone else. 

 

   As I got older, I dropped out to be homeschooled when I was starting my 9th grade year. My brothers had done the same previously. I just couldn’t stand to be around those kids anymore. I was a great student and I loved learning, but the people made me hate it. Anyways, my parents paid for my brothers schooling and they wouldn’t do it but after paying for theirs they couldn’t afford mine. So I never got to finish.

 

   Fast forward 3 years I’m 17 years old. My brothers and I are getting along at this point. My middle brother got me a job at a pizzeria with him. This is when I met my wife. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. She was the most beautiful person that I had ever seen in my life and still is. I wouldn’t just catch myself staring at her all the time. Turns out she knew the whole time that I was doing it. Everyone would joke about us being together and we would always brush it off. 

 

      Our first actual time spending time together outside of work was me inviting her to Walmart to get my mother a Mother’s Day gift. We had a great time just doing that and we started calling and texting constantly after that. We really hit it off despite me never talking to a girl before especially like this. I was so in love. This girl showed me attention, love, and affection like I had never seen before. Despite not ever living an interesting life she was always so hooked on everything I had to say. We were both geeks in the sense that we loved fantasy worlds she loved books and I loved video games. We both loved movies and TV shows of the same things. 

 

We went on our first movie date, after that she invited me over to watch her favorite movie, we didn’t stop at that we watched movies until 5 in the morning and I only left because I didn’t know if it was right for me to stay because I didn’t know the rules of her house.

 

     Ever since the night we were inseparable. We went to kings island 5/25/14. This is the day that I asked her to be my girlfriend and we made it official. That was a big day for me. I got over a lot of fears that day. I got over my fear of heights, roller coasters, and asking the girl of my dreams to be mine. This girl was my first everything. She taught me how to hug, kiss, cuddle, hold hands, and took my virginity. She had been with one person before that had used her to figure out his own sexuality. We had a lot of great times together and we would turn the littlest things into a fun adventure. We didn’t have any money so we made the best with what we did have. I went to her high school graduation, her open house, and I would later find out that she was shipping off to college an hour and a half away. 

 

    We made the best of the summer after that we were absolutely inseparable and did everything together. Even the dumbest trip to the store was something fun and exciting for us. We were both so in love and so scared of every losing one another. I was very bad at communicating because I had never felt these feelings before and I didn’t know how to share them. I always wanted to call her beautiful, tell her how much I really loved her, and everything else. I just couldn’t and I didn’t know how. I would always get choked up and this went on for years. It was a lot easier for me to tell her through text or letters. 

 

    Anyways, whenever we would do things some times she would bring up how her and her ex would do this or do that differently. At the time I didn’t care because it didn’t really bother me. Anyways, she shipped off to college after the summer and we really missed eachother. I would drive down there every other weekend to pick her up and bring her back home to be with me and her family that she missed dearly. The distance really caused her to hate that school. It was a long grueling 8 months. But every time I would go down there we would have a very loving and lustful reunion there and once we got back home. We truly loved eachother so much. She switched schools after that and everything was really going great.

 

  In 2015 about a year after we had met I finally got my first good paying job working for a tree service. I was finally proud of something other than have the best girl in the world by my side. I was finally making us great money. Prior to her and after I started homeschooling I stayed in my room a lot and just played games and watched TV as my parents didn’t pay for my schooling. So we were living between my parents and her grandpas house. We were both working through the summer and eventually she got the idea that we should get our own apartment. And after some convincing and reassuring me that we could afford it we moved in and I finally got out of my bedroom that I was prisoner in for years. About 6-8 months after we got the apartment I went downhill. 

 

    My anxiety started getting really bad. I started to feel ugly, like I wasn’t good enough, and would just worry about everything constantly. Just constant thoughts of negativity. Everything that had been said to me growing up by everyone would just flow through my head constantly and just bring me down. I got really irritable, suffered memory loss, memory fog, had headaches all of the time, and just felt really down and tired constantly. I didn’t understand what I was feeling at the time because none of that stuff really bothered me before but I had also never talked about it either. Neither of us really knew what was happening. We made it through that little spell but I never got better. 

 

    Before we left our apartment we got our first puppy, Comet, a Great Pyrenees. At this time we already have 2 cats. We got the chance to move into a house to rent to own from her aunt. We did, but we were moving in as the previous tenant was moving out and we never realized how bad of shape the home was really in. Our goal was always to remodel and keep or sell it and move somewhere else. All while this is happening she has switched schools and majors and just really struggling with what she wanted to do with her life. She was working dead end serving or retail jobs but I was still at the tree service and had gotten many raises and was making really good money. It really started to give me a big ego because I was realizing I was doing better than anyone in my immediate family. 

 

  Still, while all of this was still going on I was suffering so bad inside. She and I both were fighting it. We had always talked about marrying eachother and being with one another forever. We moved in the house in March and by May she got tired of waiting and asked me to marry her. I agreed of course and our date was going to be exactly 2 years after I had asked her to be my girlfriend. So 5/25/16 we were married. I messed up a lot on the wedding day my anxieties got the best of me. Being around all the people, standing up and saying our vows, her wanting me to dance but me being too nervous and avoiding it the whole time, and I know it really upset her and she didn’t understand why I was being like that and I didn’t either. I regret it so much and I have apologized so many times. We moved on from that and my anxiety still wasn’t getting better if anything worse. I wouldnt give her attention and stuff when we were around my family I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I don’t really know what I was doing at that point. 

 

    She developed her own anxieties as well. We were involved in a tornado and a tree got uprooted and landed on our house, she was huddled in the bathroom with our pets and I was too busy checking the damage, making sure the house wasn’t in any danger, and making phone calls to let everyone know that we were okay. That scared her a lot and made her anxious everytime it rained or got really windy. At the time I didn’t comfort her much as I was busy doing the things stated, but every time the weather got bad after that I always reassured her everything was okay and we would check the radar together and stuff and work through it. Soon after that we started to try to have children. Which we came to find out was easier said than done. She had a lot of problems and they even got to the point where they didn’t know if she was able to have them or not they just called it “unknown infertility” but they never said she couldn’t have them at all. I wanted a family with her, I was too afraid of being like my own parents that I had a hard time showing her support because I really didn’t want to be like them and it weighed on me a lot. I didn’t want to even pick out names at the time because I didn’t want to choose the wrong one and make a mistake. I really let fear and anxiety rule my life for the longest time. I really wanted to be there for her but at that time I just couldn’t be mentally. 

 

 

    I believe I was seeking validation and acceptance from my family because I had never gotten it from them and I was already getting it from her and I already had her. I’m not really sure.  At this point we were finding out that we didn’t know anything about renovating a house. We couldn’t do any of the work ourselves and would constantly go back and forth on what we wanted to do. Everything we needed done we had to wait for help for because everything we tried ourselves we couldn’t do or it would look terrible.  The house really caused a lot of stress and problems with us too. 

 

   All this time and I wasn’t being any fun, I was really good at saving money and my goal was to always save as much as I could so we wouldn’t have to work forever and we could enjoy life later on. I would skip out on things so I could keep working because I would constantly worry about keeping the bills paid, keeping money in the bank, and everything else. I would always just focus on keeping us above water and living comfortably instead of going on trips, vacations, and adventures. I wouldn’t keep her from going though if she wanted to. Like when her family went to Florida and stuff as much as I really wanted to go my anxieties kept me home. I was scared of flying, I was scared of what would happen at home if one of us wasn’t there, and I was scared of my irritability ruining her good time if I got an attitude or something.

 

So I always sent her and I would pay for whatever she needed paid to get there and have a great time. And the whole time she was gone we would just talk and say how much we missed eachother and how we both just wanted to be back with eachother again and again.  At some point we realized something was really wrong with me and she sent me to a doctor. They diagnosed me with general anxiety disorder and gave me a prescription. I started the medicine and once they got into my system I really started to feel better but I still had a lot of the same behaviors and worries but I just thought give it time give it time and give it time. Eventually after I noticed I was starting to feel bad again we upped the dose and that helped a lot, but I didn’t know it then but I still needed more help. I don’t remember this but she tried to suggest a therapist or counselor and I told her “how can they help if they don’t know what it feels like or know what’s going on”

I don’t remember any of that but I wish I had gone or I wish she had just set the appointment and said we’re going. 

 

    She knew more than I did how bad I was because I was blind to it really. She would tell me and I would take it in and take it personally or just wouldn’t understand. If we had problems we would always talk it out, cry, or whatever we needed to do. But she always felt like I would only change for a little bit and go back to how I was. I know she fought so hard for me and it went on for 4 years. She admits that I was getting better and better but it drug on for so long that she lost herself in the process and she fell out of love. August 25th, 2020 she got her own apartment after a few months of her saying she was thinking about it and saying she needed her own space. 

She didn’t tell me until the day of at 11:30 at night that she got one. I was getting concerned that she wasn’t home so she told me. I wasn’t mad or anything just sad. 

 

   I saw it as a chance for her to have her own space and for us to start new again, reconnect, and make this better. And she did too, at first. She would let me come over throughout the week or she would stay with me. She eventually wanted more and more space because we still were spending so much time together. Come October and my dad got put on hospice after battling cancer for almost 2 years. On October 10 he passed. I was with her when I got the phone call at 2am She knew it was hard on me because I had made amends with how terribly he treated me growing up. And we were finally starting to get along. She let me stay with her everyday for 2 weeks after that and pretty much not long after that 2 weeks was up she wanted less and less to do with me. 

 

   After she moved out and that stuff happened I really jumped in action to change myself for the better. When my dad died a lot of my anxieties went with him. I let go of a lot of things. I even let go of the things she would tell me about her past that I held onto since she told me in the beginning. My head was really starting to get clearer. I was really in love with her still even after all these years and all

of our ups and downs. There’s just too much to tell of everything we’ve been through that we always worked out through. She really felt like I wasn’t there, but at that time I really couldn’t be with how I was battling myself internally everyday. I couldn’t be the husband she deserved. She tried so hard to fix me. She tried so hard to stay in love. So from November 2021 to now I’ve been fighting so hard to get her love. I’ve made lists of things I’m improving and working on, I’ve come up with so many ideas for trips, vacations, and adventures. She hates hearing how I feel about her I tell her all the time. I know I overwhelm her a lot but I want to be the voice in her head saying “hey he’s right here he loves you”

 

I’ve been so scared about her finding someone else and replacing me. I was always under the impression in a marriage you work through your tough times and make it work because we truly did love eachother and wanted to be with eachother forever. We always said how we were meant for eachother and that we were soulmates. And I hold on to that stuff because it means the world to me. She asked me to marry her so if she wasn’t committed why would she do that. We didn’t cheat on eachother, abuse eachother, mental illness just ruined both of us because she had her own issues with anxiety too. I got so much better about communicating. I could tell her how I felt, how beautiful she is, and tell her how my anxieties actually felt. 

W

 

  Ever since I found out I could communicate these things I haven’t stopped, I want her to know

She always says it’s late, I always say it’s late but it’s not too late if I’m trying

Right now I really feel like she doesn’t want anything to do with me as she never responds to my ideas of things to do unless it’s a no but usually it’s an “I don’t know” then it never happens but she’ll go do things with her family and friends instead.  I hate losing her family too because I always took care of them. Her grandpas is 88 years old and I would go over every week multiple times a week to mow his 8 acre yard, trim his trees, help him around the house, and stuff like that. He raised her and I wanted to take care of him for her.

 

He doesn’t want to see us apart and neither does the rest of her family or mine. 

I’m truly at wits end and I’ve gotten her to agree to go to counseling, but she says only if it’s to help me move on. I’m not ready to move on, I want things to work. I still see the love in her eyes, I still see everything I fell in love with in her. I’ve been hoping even if she’s going with the mindset of me moving on maybe they can help change her mind and make her realize that she still has these feelings for me they’re just suppressed which is what I truly think.

She’s been gone 10 months and I still love her more and more everyday and miss her more and more everyday. I don’t want to go through this life without her.

 

I know that’s a lot and it’s kinda rambly, but if anyone has any advice for me it’ll be greatly appreciated 

I really am motivated to trying to fix things, I’m not ready to give up or move on, I want her and only her

[d0nnivain]

Wow.  Your story was hard to read.  

You got married very young.  There were a lot of problems.  

I think you are realizing that a happy pill doesn't fix everything.  You need talk therapy not more meds.  Do not go off the meds without your doctor.  I get the sense they are helping you but you need somebody to talk to.  You need to get yourself organized.  You missed out on a lot as a kid & that has damaged you in ways you don't understand but still you managed to fall in love, commit & hold a good job.  Those are inspirational accomplishments. 

The fact that you & your wife have lived apart now for almost a year is problematic.  This should have been addressed before she moved out last August.  By now she's more used to being apart then together.  Do start your IC & ask her if she will go to MC with you.  If you can get over some of your fears & learn to enjoy life a bit more rather than sending her on vacation alone & because you are afraid to fly or spend money that may bring you closer. Talk to your wife about her dreams & expectations.  

I got a little lost in here about your education.  If you don't have a HS diploma, get a GED.  Work on a budget that gives you a retirement plan but that also affords you some fun now while you are young & can enjoy it.  

Best wishes.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hopeless77 said:

She’s been gone 10 months

Sorry this happened. Are you legally divorced? Focus on your physical and mental health.

[Hopeless77]

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Wow.  Your story was hard to read.  

You got married very young.  There were a lot of problems.  

I think you are realizing that a happy pill doesn't fix everything.  You need talk therapy not more meds.  Do not go off the meds without your doctor.  I get the sense they are helping you but you need somebody to talk to.  You need to get yourself organized.  You missed out on a lot as a kid & that has damaged you in ways you don't understand but still you managed to fall in love, commit & hold a good job.  Those are inspirational accomplishments. 

The fact that you & your wife have lived apart now for almost a year is problematic.  This should have been addressed before she moved out last August.  By now she's more used to being apart then together.  Do start your IC & ask her if she will go to MC with you.  If you can get over some of your fears & learn to enjoy life a bit more rather than sending her on vacation alone & because you are afraid to fly or spend money that may bring you closer. Talk to your wife about her dreams & expectations.  

I got a little lost in here about your education.  If you don't have a HS diploma, get a GED.  Work on a budget that gives you a retirement plan but that also affords you some fun now while you are young & can enjoy it.  

Best wishes.  

I do not have a HS diploma or GED, sorry I left that part out it was really hard trying to fit everything in. I eventually paid my homeschooling stuff off myself and tried to complete it but it had been so long that I didn’t retain any knowledge of it really and trying to learn it after so long was hard and I lost motivation. 
I really haven’t had a job that requires it and I still continue making good money so it hasn’t really been an issue honestly.

And I have loosened up a lot and I’m learning to face my fears to try to have fun to do new things! That’s what I’ve been trying to get into her head that I have changed and I’m not the same scared person I was. I do want to have fun and go on adventures with her.

Yes, it’s a huge problem that we’ve been without eachother for so long. I don’t want to lose her because we both have put in so much effort into eachother have built a life together. I don’t want to be without her. When she left it was to have her own space and I thought jtd give us a chance to reconnect because we had lived with eachother since about a month after we had met. We moved fast, grow up too soon, and never really had much of a dating phase.

At the moment, all of the stuff from my childhood has kinda faded away, I let a lot of that stuff go when my dad passed. Now all of my anxieties and depression stem around this situation and it’s killing me because I don’t want to let go, I don’t want anyone else, and I just want to make things better with us because I know how much we truly loved each other 

also, I’ve been trying to get into counseling, everyone is booked up and about 15 of them haven’t even responded.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Hopeless77 said:

I’ve been trying to get into counseling, everyone is booked up and about 15 of them haven’t even responded.

Ok. You need to see a physician first. That way you can discuss all this and get an appropriate evaluation and treatment. Also you can get a referral for ongoing supportive therapy.

 She's already left, 10 mos. ago, are you divorced?  That is quite important in all this. You need to get your physical and mental health in better condition so you can face the divorce and move forward with your life.

[mark clemson]

4 hours ago, Hopeless77 said:

I’ve been so scared about her finding someone else and replacing me. I was always under the impression in a marriage you work through your tough times and make it work because we truly did love eachother and wanted to be with eachother forever.

Some people look at things this way, BUT others do not. If she's one of the latter, there may not be much you can do, unfortunately.

Even some of those who believe in "soul mates" and similar, still see it as a transitory thing. You were "destined" to spend SOME time together etc.

Ultimately you can't make someone love you back or choose to be with you even if they do love you at some level. In fact people "fall in love with the wrong person" all the time.

Looking at things more prosaically, practical matters often trump sentiment in life and many people who love each other separate, e.g. due to education, job changes, etc. She may have simply decided that even though she loves you the negatives outweigh the positives. This happens a lot as well, and often once a person's mind is firmly made up there's simply not much one can do.

Edited July 6, 2021 by mark clemson