Passionate Affair Wrecked my Life

[Ferris wheel]

In 2011 I was single, and while on a night out, I met a woman I dated for a few weeks. I decided that although she was very attractive and there was enormous amounts of sexual chemistry, there was no way I wanted to be in a relationship with her.

My reasons for this at the time were; Our personalities weren’t very compatible, and I suspected some emotional and mental instability and baggage on her part, which I didn’t want to get involved with. So things ended as quickly as they had started. We will call this lady Jane.

In 2012, I met my now-wife. I liked her. She was successful in her career and personal life and lived by a high moral code that I admired. But even from the start, I never felt that intense feeling of lust or desire—no fireworks, no butterflies, or yearning to be with her, which I felt for Jane. However, I knew she’d make a good life partner as she was a trusting, loving, and safe pair of hands. We will call this lady Karen.

Fast forward to 2014, and Karen and I had bought a house and were starting to build a future together, planning children and all the rest of it. We were doing ok and were happy. We had money in the bank, both successful jobs, and enjoyed a fun, busy lifestyle with lots of holidays and social events. 

The same year Jane text me out of the blue. We’d had some text contact since 2011 as friends, but it had fizzled out, and during 2012 and 2013, I hadn’t heard from her at all. The text went something along the lines of, “Hi, how are you?” I replied and can recall feeling quite excited to have received the text and wanted to move things forward to meeting for a coffee with her, which we did ended up doing. 

We had some face-to-face contact and went on walks, and met for coffee during 2014. We also spent a night together and had sex, but it felt wrong, and again things fizzled out, and I didn’t speak again to Jane until 2016. 

In early 2016, Karen and I had our first child. Although she was a very challenging baby, we were overwhelmed being first-time parents. During the stress of family life and being new parents, our intimacy had become nonexistent. We were surviving, I guess, not living.

Shortly after our first baby had been born, I contacted Jane to see how she was. It turned out she was still single and had recently bought a new house which she wanted to show me. Now I look back. My motive was to meet her for sex, assuming she was available and not now in a relationship.! This was the start of our highly charged affair, which would go on until 2021. 

We would meet at her house over the five years for coffee and sex. We rarely left her house when we met and never went on dates, dinner or drinks, or any everyday couple things. It was just text setup a meet, and went round for sex. 

Now I look back at this. I do wonder how many women would agree and be part of such an arrangement. It was the most bizarre and messed-up situation.

It became an addiction, both on her part and mine. I could do things with her which I could never do with my wife. The lust and chemistry were out of this world. I’d never experienced anything like it, but I knew it wasn’t sustainable as I would never leave my wife for her. Having a real-life relationship wouldn’t last two minutes in the real world with her. 

I was also aware she was being held back by me from meeting a real partner, someone she could have a real relationship with, not crumbs from someone else’s relationship. But the pull and allure of her were too much, and every time we’d call it off, it would start up again. 

It wasn’t constant contact over the five years. There were some periods of cooling off or times when I was too busy in my real life to see her, but we’d continually reengage and carry on from where we left off. I think Jane dated a couple of guys during our affair, but they were all short-lived, and she would always come back to me. 

Although she’d never asked any details about my life, she was aware I had two children, which I hadn’t told her about initially. I had lied to her about my exact involvement with Karen, saying our relationship was over and we were only cohabiting for the children, which of course, wasn’t true. I also lied to her about various other things. 

During the pandemic of 2020 and various lockdowns, she was very isolated, and we became very close. The closest we’d ever been throughout the whole affair. We told each other we loved each other, and I believed we might have a future together. However, this all came crashing down when she discovered I was still in a married relationship with Karen. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore and that the pain it was causing her knowing I would leave her house and go back to my false and fake family life, was too much. 

She ended it once and for all and threatened to tell my wife what had been going on over the last five years, but I begged her not to, and she didn’t in the end. 

After things ended, I fell into a deep depression as I missed Jane terribly. Every aspect of my life suffered, and eventually, my wife became suspicious as to what was going on. I didn’t tell her the truth, but I had started keeping a journal, and one evening, while I was out, she read the journal and figured there was someone else. She confronted me, but I downplayed it, saying it was an emotional affair and only lasted a year. More lies. 

A few weeks later, I went out to a function and got very drunk. Upon returning home, I told her what had happened. She didn’t believe me, who would, so she set about finding Jane on Facebook, which she did with ease due to the Facebook algorithms and made contact with her. By the morning, Jane had revealed all, including screenshots of our WhatsApp messages and photos of us together. The whole thing came crashing down.

Three months on, and the pain is as bad as ever. I’m a former shadow of myself and riddled with shame, guilt, and depression. I’ve ruined and destroyed many lives, at least for the near future, including my own and after all this miss Jane terribly. 

I can’t imagine the pain my wife is going through and after all this, she has still allowed me to remain in the family home and she wants to work things out.

I thought I’d share my story as it might deter others from entering such a horrifically damaging affair. It’s just not worth it, and the pain it causes will damage you and others lives.

Edited July 6, 2021 by Ferris wheel
Typo

[torn_heart]

Wow.

In some part I read the exact thing tha happened to me with my OW, having a passionate affair for some years, knwoing that there's nothing more, because a real relationship in the real world wouldn't last 2 minutes. And then, the lockdown bringing us closer and then start having feelings for the AP.

I didn't suffer some of the things as you did, my GF (which I'm on a break with) doesn't know, but just like you, the break up made her suspicious, nothing before it. 

As you say, the damage to ourselves is too much, and you bring down people around you, but being torn, having a double life it's too much.

Are you in therapy? In my case helped a lot.

[Ferris wheel]

55 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

Wow.

In some part I read the exact thing tha happened to me with my OW, having a passionate affair for some years, knwoing that there's nothing more, because a real relationship in the real world wouldn't last 2 minutes. And then, the lockdown bringing us closer and then start having feelings for the AP.

I didn't suffer some of the things as you did, my GF (which I'm on a break with) doesn't know, but just like you, the break up made her suspicious, nothing before it. 

As you say, the damage to ourselves is too much, and you bring down people around you, but being torn, having a double life it's too much.

Are you in therapy? In my case helped a lot.

How and why did your affair end ?

no not in therapy but wife is pushing for couples therapy to try work things out but I feel we’d be delaying the inevitable..

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, Ferris wheel said:

How and why did your affair end ?

no not in therapy but wife is pushing for couples therapy to try work things out but I feel we’d be delaying the inevitable..

My AP got tired of being the OW, she wanted that to stop (she started the same way with the father of her kids, but he lied to her telling her that he got divorced, but it was a lie). I never lied to her, but it was a total hell, specially because I got very hooked up because of the lock down, I think I saw her even more than my gf. 

You can have couples therapy, but I think you should take one for yourself.

[Beentheretoooften]

I hear you bro. Mine never came out. (Thank goodness) Almost a decade long. I’m not the same. I will never be the same. But you have to manage the new life. Gotta move on.  Been almost 3 years since the end; and not a day goes by I don’t think of her.  It’s the hardest battle you will have in your life bar none.  Thank you for sharing 

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I hear you bro. Mine never came out. (Thank goodness) Almost a decade long. I’m not the same. I will never be the same. But you have to manage the new life. Gotta move on.  Been almost 3 years since the end; and not a day goes by I don’t think of her.  It’s the hardest battle you will have in your life bar none.  Thank you for sharing 

You stayed with your wife? You regret it?

[glows]

Is Jane really out of the picture or would you see her again if she wanted to see you?

[Beentheretoooften]

7 hours ago, torn_heart said:

You stayed with your wife? You regret it?

Yes.   I ultimately stayed.  
2nd question, regret staying or the A? In either case No. 

[Alfano]

Give Jane a call tell her “I’m all yours now”. 
 

Seems like a win for everyone. Except for your wife of course. 

[Prudence V]

20 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

 

On 7/6/2021 at 5:02 PM, Ferris wheel said:

I never felt that intense feeling of lust or desire—no fireworks, no butterflies, or yearning to be with her, which I felt for Jane. However, I knew she’d make a good life partner as she was a trusting, loving, and safe pair of hands.

OP, have you considered that this was perhaps a “split self” affair? One woman providing stability,  and a “safe pair of hands” (as you put it), while the other provided the excitement and emotional connection? 
 

Quote

The split being played out in the affair reflects an internal split between doing things “right” and the emotional self. Treatment for those involved centers on understanding the origins of the internal split and on reclaiming the neglected emotional self. Long term individual therapy is the treatment of choice, augmented by other modalities.

Source: Split Self Affairs and Their Treatment, Emily M. Brown LCSW 

Pages 55-69 | Published online: 03 Oct 2008

available https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J398v04n02_06?journalCode=wcrt20

 

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

 

OP, have you considered that this was perhaps a “split self” affair? One woman providing stability,  and a “safe pair of hands” (as you put it), while the other provided the excitement and emotional connection? 
 

Source: Split Self Affairs and Their Treatment, Emily M. Brown LCSW 

Pages 55-69 | Published online: 03 Oct 2008

available https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J398v04n02_06?journalCode=wcrt20

 

I think this is the case, it was mine and it reads very similar.

[Prudence V]

13 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

I think this is the case, it was mine and it reads very similar.

They don’t have a high “success rate” for resolution, without loads of therapy to address the underlying issue and heal the “split”. There is one case I know of from these boards (both MM and OW used to post here, many years back) where the MM did eventually leave the BW and got together with the OW, and they’re still together, but generally the situation tends to go on unresolved long term 😢

[torn_heart]

1 minute ago, Prudence V said:

They don’t have a high “success rate” for resolution, without loads of therapy to address the underlying issue and heal the “split”. There is one case I know of from these boards (both MM and OW used to post here, many years back) where the MM did eventually leave the BW and got together with the OW, and they’re still together, but generally the situation tends to go on unresolved long term 😢

Another similarity I see is the pandemic.

Both were relationships that we knew wouldn't work in real life, but it seems the pandemic/lock down made that bubble more like real life and brought emotions to both parties and it turned to hell.

The challenge here is to be able to bring the sex/passion part again with the BW, but the guilt won't help. In my case that's why I asked for a break/separation and I'm going to therapy. Have to deal with the breakup with the OW, the guilt of betraying my GF and also try to see again my GF with other eyes, that's why I recommend something similar for the OP. So far so good in my case.

[Prudence V]

1 hour ago, torn_heart said:

The challenge here is to be able to bring the sex/passion part again with the BW

If you had that passion once with your GF, then it’s not quite the same as the OP’s situation, where

 

On 7/6/2021 at 5:02 PM, Ferris wheel said:

even from the start, I never felt that intense feeling of lust or desire—no fireworks, no butterflies, or yearning to be with her, which I felt for Jane.

For OP, “Karen” was a “safe pair of hands”, while “Jane” was “fireworks” and “butterflies”. 

[Ferris wheel]

12 hours ago, glows said:

Is Jane really out of the picture or would you see her again if she wanted to see you?

I’d see her in a flash but this time it is very much over and the door has been slammed closed never to be opened again.  

It had to end once and for all. What I’ve done, how I’ve behaved and conducted myself is truly dispeciable and when I look in the mirror I repulsive myself. I’ve damaged many life’s, children both women, mine,  our friends and family  all the plans, dreams, promises, commitments down the drain. All for what... so I could spend a few hours having sex with a pretty lady. It’s horrendous and I’m paying for it every living moment of my life’s now. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Ferris wheel

[Ferris wheel]

4 hours ago, Alfano said:

Give Jane a call tell her “I’m all yours now”. 
 

Seems like a win for everyone. Except for your wife of course. 

Unfortunately, Jane wants nothing further to do with me now the true extend of my manipulation and lies has been revealed.  I just wish I’d handled things differently and left my wife and then got with Jane.

I find it very difficult to deal with when I think back to 2011 and the fact I turned Jane down then,  when I was free and single with no commitments. Never for a minute did I think then I would be where I am now with her. But back to 2011 my options were a plenty. Tall, dark, handsome man with cash on the hip. I had women falling at my feet. Roll on 10 years and I’m not quite the same catch older more wrinkles and less options. All of a sudden Jane looks more appealing..

 

[Ferris wheel]

59 minutes ago, S2B said:

It’s past time you learn and practice being a decent human being.

are you going to counseling every week?

Not every week. Every 2 weeks but I’m not sure it’s really helping. We seem to be covering same found now and the councillor never provides me with any coping strategies etc. Perhaps a need to change councillors 

[Ferris wheel]

17 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

I hear you bro. Mine never came out. (Thank goodness) Almost a decade long. I’m not the same. I will never be the same. But you have to manage the new life. Gotta move on.  Been almost 3 years since the end; and not a day goes by I don’t think of her.  It’s the hardest battle you will have in your life bar none.  Thank you for sharing 

What coping strategies do you use ?

Why did the affair end ?

[mark clemson]

I disagree with those who suggest you leave your wife unless divorce is what she wants.

Does she WANT you to stay? If she does and IF you can be a safe partner for her, unilaterally divorcing is IMO adding a 2nd injury to the one already done.

Or are you fairly certain that (after all this distress) a repeat will occur if you stayed?

Keep in mind that there is more than one kind of "love". "Familial" LTR love, often what we feel for a spouse, is not the same as "giddy" new relationship love. As a cheater you "cake eat" in that you get to have both (unless/until it ends). But they are not same and VERY often that "giddy" new love slowly becomes more placid "familial" love over time, no matter how we felt at the beginning.

So expecting a true LTR (no matter WHO it's with) to feel like an affair does is simply not realistic.  And affairs are, for many, a fairly amped up version of new love anyhow, due to the excitement many feel at doing something "forbidden" . Also, the inability to fully have the other person may heighten one's feeling of "need" for them, etc, etc.

Edited July 8, 2021 by mark clemson

[glows]

2 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

I’d see her in a flash but this time it is very much over and the door has been slammed closed never to be opened again.  

It had to end once and for all. What I’ve done, how I’ve behaved and conducted myself is truly dispeciable and when I look in the mirror I repulsive myself. I’ve damaged many life’s, children both women, mine,  our friends and family  all the plans, dreams, promises, commitments down the drain. All for what... so I could spend a few hours having sex with a pretty lady. It’s horrendous and I’m paying for it every living moment of my life’s now. 

However badly you feel your life is now, I assure you it can always be worse. Another "Jane" for example could enter your life again and this can repeat itself. Best to take a look at why you're unhappy in your marriage or existing relationship. You were buying a home and solidifying plans with your current wife when things got very hot and heavy with Jane. Was it the comfort and familiarity of a relationship that caused you to wander elsewhere also and tire of a simple life with your wife? 

I wouldn't pity Jane either too much. She knew full well you were involved with someone else but she chose to turn a blind eye so there's no point really in bleeding out or feeling sorry for her. Look after your kids and rethink whether the marriage is good for you. 

[Soul-shards]

FW,

I think you posted this on another forum too, where I responded to you. I really do think that you and Karen should have never married. It doesn't matter how perfect by the book she was. You may have admired and respected her but you were never in love with her. As someone in a similar situation (minus the physical affair), I can tell you that such luke-warm rationalized beginnings never lead to anything good over the long term. When someone finally shows up that makes you feel truly alive  (madly in lust, as is your case), or madly in love (as is my case), someone FOR YOU - then all that spousal Perfection-by-the-Social-Book goes down the drain. 

If you decide to go back to Karen and fix the marriage as mainstream advice dictates - all you'll end up doing is double down. You can accept, however, that this is what you do for the sake of stability and convenience. This is fine - but trying to bury your feelings and convince yourself that it is Karen you love because she is a "nice woman" when you never actually did - that's not going to work. At least be aware of what you are doing.

I am in the same situation - must stay with my marriage because the life course is not a renewable resource.

I am very sorry this happened to you and your wife - you both have my sympathy as both of you would have been better off with someone else.

Not all of us made the greatest choices for our love life - so make the best of life in other ways.

Best of wishes.

[torn_heart]

3 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

Not every week. Every 2 weeks but I’m not sure it’s really helping. We seem to be covering same found now and the councillor never provides me with any coping strategies etc. Perhaps a need to change councillors 

Please, get therapy for yourself. Going to couples therapy is for one objective that not necessarly let's you work in yourself,  you really need to work in yourself. Maybe don't make any changes, but you need to clear your mind. Getting therapy not only will let you understand your own choices and behaviors, but also others, find what you really want from life.  

Also, writing here helped me a lot, there's people who deliver very good advice, and sometimes might just use this site as a journal. Writing helps clear the mind.

Edited July 8, 2021 by torn_heart

[Alfano]

Well, it's fairly obvious that your selfishness, dishonesty and the infidelity has boxed you into a corner with few options.

Consider starting a profile on a few dating sites and responding to the "less desirables" who you will most certainly be getting messages from.

Think of it as a way to "give back" to the community, or as a sort of charity thing.

Maybe you'll find one that you like despite your initial misgivings.

[Beentheretoooften]

8 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

What coping strategies do you use ?

Why did the affair end ?

I just tried to go through the motions at first.  It was depressing. Very.  Ppl noticed and I had to cover that up too. Couldnt give the Real reasons why i was so sad.  Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and it’s not even close to over. Counseling helped a bit I suppose. I did have an enormous support system in place. Family and close friends all around me all the time. I think that helped the most. It ended b/c after 10 years AP wanted children of her own and it was time for her to move on.  Which she has extremely successfully done. It’ll be a long haul for you. You will never be the same, but you can still be ok.  I wish I could guide you more. You are not a bad person at all, just got into a bad situation. I hope you end up ok 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I would suggest to you that you try and take a step back and look at all of this objectively.

It sounds like you are leaning towards staying with your wife. If this is the path you wish to follow, please sit down with her and lay all this out for her. Don't try and minimize your actions to "spare her feelings"-that horse is already left the barn. She needs an honest account from you of how long the affair went on, how you feel about your ow and that, if you could find a way to do it, you'd go back to her. If you care about her at all, you'll give her the information she needs to make decisions about her life.  She needs to know she's your "plan B".
If you do decide that staying married is what you want, you have a lot of work to do. Your first step is to put your marriage and wife first. You have to rebuild trust, and that's going to take a long, long LONG time. You're effectively saying to your wife that she should put her hand on the stove even though all her senses are screaming at her that it's hot and she'll be burned. That's not easy to move past, especially if she is the type who finds it hard to trust.

You will also have to be sensitive to triggers that bring her pain rushing back. Those could be anything from certain dates to colour,s location or even just a song. She will not be able to control those easily. Can you deal with that?

One of her requirements is likely going to be that your wife will want you to cut all contact with your ow. That means no phone calls, texts, social media check ins, going over any old videos you have of the two of you, that sort of thing. Any gifts/cards/letters will also have to go.


You are also going to have to find ways to boost your wife's self esteem. I am only speculating, but she could well be feeling really down on herself right now. I don't have any advice for how to fix that- your words may not mean much to her right now.


I would really give this a lot of thought. This isn't about what's easy, it's about what;s right for your wife and family. If you can't be there for her 100 percent, if you aren't always going to have her back from here on in, if you can;t say to her that she can trust you 100 percent, then you have no business being married. It;s just my opinion, but I don't think you should stay married. You don't love your wife (you don't show someone this level of disrespect for this long if you love them) and I don 't think you have any right to ask her to stay with you ( or allow her to stay) if you don't think it's where you want to be.


Really, it comes down to this...if your ow were to call you right now and ask you to pick up where you left off, what would you say?
If your answer is "yes", you have no business being married to your wife. If your answer is "no" but it's for any other reaosn than you love your wife ( unstable ow, unfair to ow, that sort of thing) then  again, you are actually being very cruel to your wife. If your answer is " I want to stay with my wife and make our marriage work because I love her and want to make her happy", then you have a chance.