Passionate Affair Wrecked my Life

[Alfano]

Well, it's fairly obvious that your selfishness, dishonesty and the infidelity has boxed you into a corner with few options.

Consider starting a profile on a few dating sites and responding to the "less desirables" who you will most certainly be getting messages from.

Think of it as a way to "give back" to the community, or as a sort of charity thing.

Maybe you'll find one that you like despite your initial misgivings.

[Beentheretoooften]

8 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

What coping strategies do you use ?

Why did the affair end ?

I just tried to go through the motions at first.  It was depressing. Very.  Ppl noticed and I had to cover that up too. Couldnt give the Real reasons why i was so sad.  Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, and it’s not even close to over. Counseling helped a bit I suppose. I did have an enormous support system in place. Family and close friends all around me all the time. I think that helped the most. It ended b/c after 10 years AP wanted children of her own and it was time for her to move on.  Which she has extremely successfully done. It’ll be a long haul for you. You will never be the same, but you can still be ok.  I wish I could guide you more. You are not a bad person at all, just got into a bad situation. I hope you end up ok 

[S2B]

11 hours ago, Ferris wheel said:

Not every week. Every 2 weeks but I’m not sure it’s really helping. We seem to be covering same found now and the councillor never provides me with any coping strategies etc. Perhaps a need to change councillors 

Maybe it’s not “working” because your counselor expects you to be accountable for your own bad behavior.

im sure you’re also supposed to be learning how to be a changed man.

if it s not ‘working’ it’s only your fault for not doing the work it takes to change.

you live with yourself… you either improve as a human or you don’t. 

[pepperbird2]

op,

I would suggest to you that you try and take a step back and look at all of this objectively.

It sounds like you are leaning towards staying with your wife. If this is the path you wish to follow, please sit down with her and lay all this out for her. Don't try and minimize your actions to "spare her feelings"-that horse is already left the barn. She needs an honest account from you of how long the affair went on, how you feel about your ow and that, if you could find a way to do it, you'd go back to her. If you care about her at all, you'll give her the information she needs to make decisions about her life.  She needs to know she's your "plan B".
If you do decide that staying married is what you want, you have a lot of work to do. Your first step is to put your marriage and wife first. You have to rebuild trust, and that's going to take a long, long LONG time. You're effectively saying to your wife that she should put her hand on the stove even though all her senses are screaming at her that it's hot and she'll be burned. That's not easy to move past, especially if she is the type who finds it hard to trust.

You will also have to be sensitive to triggers that bring her pain rushing back. Those could be anything from certain dates to colour,s location or even just a song. She will not be able to control those easily. Can you deal with that?

One of her requirements is likely going to be that your wife will want you to cut all contact with your ow. That means no phone calls, texts, social media check ins, going over any old videos you have of the two of you, that sort of thing. Any gifts/cards/letters will also have to go.


You are also going to have to find ways to boost your wife's self esteem. I am only speculating, but she could well be feeling really down on herself right now. I don't have any advice for how to fix that- your words may not mean much to her right now.


I would really give this a lot of thought. This isn't about what's easy, it's about what;s right for your wife and family. If you can't be there for her 100 percent, if you aren't always going to have her back from here on in, if you can;t say to her that she can trust you 100 percent, then you have no business being married. It;s just my opinion, but I don't think you should stay married. You don't love your wife (you don't show someone this level of disrespect for this long if you love them) and I don 't think you have any right to ask her to stay with you ( or allow her to stay) if you don't think it's where you want to be.


Really, it comes down to this...if your ow were to call you right now and ask you to pick up where you left off, what would you say?
If your answer is "yes", you have no business being married to your wife. If your answer is "no" but it's for any other reaosn than you love your wife ( unstable ow, unfair to ow, that sort of thing) then  again, you are actually being very cruel to your wife. If your answer is " I want to stay with my wife and make our marriage work because I love her and want to make her happy", then you have a chance.

[Bittersweetie]

On 7/6/2021 at 12:02 PM, Ferris wheel said:

Although she’d never asked any details about my life, she was aware I had two children, which I hadn’t told her about initially. I had lied to her about my exact involvement with Karen, saying our relationship was over and we were only cohabiting for the children, which of course, wasn’t true. I also lied to her about various other things. 

During the pandemic of 2020 and various lockdowns, she was very isolated, and we became very close. The closest we’d ever been throughout the whole affair. We told each other we loved each other, and I believed we might have a future together. However, this all came crashing down when she discovered I was still in a married relationship with Karen. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore and that the pain it was causing her knowing I would leave her house and go back to my false and fake family life, was too much. 

So you lied to Jane to get what you wanted. And you lied to your wife Karen to get what you wanted. I think this is less about what you had with Jane versus what you have with Karen and more about your utter selfishness and self-centeredness and how you lied to people you seem to care about in order to get everything you wanted. Have you tackled that issue in therapy?

I was a MW and I did a lot of work on myself after the affair. Yes it is hard to look in the mirror and realize you are the bad guy in the situation. But if you're not really making progress in therapy, it's either because you aren't tackling the right issues (like maybe focusing on your wife instead of you) or you aren't really digging deep internally to work on things. I did a lot of work on myself after my affair which was painful and difficult but worth it. I was willing to do all this work because I wanted to change and also to reconcile with my husband...you don't really sound like you want to stay with your wife. And that is okay if that's how you feel...but then try to be respectful to her and give her that truth so she make choices for her own life. You've already taken away some truth in her life (all your lies and trickle truth of the affair), it is wrong to continue to do so. I think people make terrible choices and I don't necessarily judge them for that...however I will judge how a person handles the aftermath of those choices, because that is a chance for change and growth. So think about it...what kind of person do you want to be moving forward?

Edited July 9, 2021 by Bittersweetie

[torn_heart]

How are you doing @Ferris wheel?

[pepperbird2]

On 7/8/2021 at 3:01 PM, Ferris wheel said:

I’d see her in a flash but this time it is very much over and the door has been slammed closed never to be opened again.  

It had to end once and for all. What I’ve done, how I’ve behaved and conducted myself is truly dispeciable and when I look in the mirror I repulsive myself. I’ve damaged many life’s, children both women, mine,  our friends and family  all the plans, dreams, promises, commitments down the drain. All for what... so I could spend a few hours having sex with a pretty lady. It’s horrendous and I’m paying for it every living moment of my life’s now. 

I know some may jump on me for saying that to you, but you know what? It's something you need to hear. It's not about trying to make you feel guilty, it's about asking you to face, full on and with no excuses, what you have done to another human being who had no idea this was going on.

You haven't just cheated on your wife, you've cheated on your children too. You put your wife's mental,. physical and emotional health at risk, and in doing so, you also risked your children. You had all the time in the world to prepare, consider your options, make your choices and then live with them. Your wife and children have not.

When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself.

[Bittersweetie]

18 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself.

Exactly, pepperbird. After my d-day I had no idea whether my H and I would stay together. I made the decision to work on myself and figure out why I did what I did regardless of whether my H gave me a second chance. Because I didn't want to ever become that person I was again so I did the work. Yes it's still baggage for me, but it's baggage I use to make the right choices, instead of the wrong or hurtful ones. I truly feel that people who make the decision to cheat can grow and change but only if one faces what one has done and takes full responsibility. It's not an easy or quick road to take but worth the pain and work, IMO. 

[spiderowl]

On 7/18/2021 at 8:55 PM, pepperbird2 said:

I know some may jump on me for saying that to you, but you know what? It's something you need to hear. It's not about trying to make you feel guilty, it's about asking you to face, full on and with no excuses, what you have done to another human being who had no idea this was going on.

You haven't just cheated on your wife, you've cheated on your children too. You put your wife's mental,. physical and emotional health at risk, and in doing so, you also risked your children. You had all the time in the world to prepare, consider your options, make your choices and then live with them. Your wife and children have not.

When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself.

Looking back through the posts, I don't think the OP cares.  He would run to Jane in a flash.  He is missing Jane (not his wife).

You are paying a price, OP, but it sounds like you are preparing to split up with your wife also, especially if you think marital therapy is just going to 'delay the inevitable'.  

You've lied and lived the life of an adventurer and prince physically.  He who lives by the sword, and all that ...