Bittersweetie Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) On 7/6/2021 at 12:02 PM, Ferris wheel said: Although she’d never asked any details about my life, she was aware I had two children, which I hadn’t told her about initially. I had lied to her about my exact involvement with Karen, saying our relationship was over and we were only cohabiting for the children, which of course, wasn’t true. I also lied to her about various other things. During the pandemic of 2020 and various lockdowns, she was very isolated, and we became very close. The closest we’d ever been throughout the whole affair. We told each other we loved each other, and I believed we might have a future together. However, this all came crashing down when she discovered I was still in a married relationship with Karen. She told me she couldn’t do it anymore and that the pain it was causing her knowing I would leave her house and go back to my false and fake family life, was too much. So you lied to Jane to get what you wanted. And you lied to your wife Karen to get what you wanted. I think this is less about what you had with Jane versus what you have with Karen and more about your utter selfishness and self-centeredness and how you lied to people you seem to care about in order to get everything you wanted. Have you tackled that issue in therapy? I was a MW and I did a lot of work on myself after the affair. Yes it is hard to look in the mirror and realize you are the bad guy in the situation. But if you're not really making progress in therapy, it's either because you aren't tackling the right issues (like maybe focusing on your wife instead of you) or you aren't really digging deep internally to work on things. I did a lot of work on myself after my affair which was painful and difficult but worth it. I was willing to do all this work because I wanted to change and also to reconcile with my husband...you don't really sound like you want to stay with your wife. And that is okay if that's how you feel...but then try to be respectful to her and give her that truth so she make choices for her own life. You've already taken away some truth in her life (all your lies and trickle truth of the affair), it is wrong to continue to do so. I think people make terrible choices and I don't necessarily judge them for that...however I will judge how a person handles the aftermath of those choices, because that is a chance for change and growth. So think about it...what kind of person do you want to be moving forward? Edited July 9, 2021 by Bittersweetie 4 Link to post Share on other sites
torn_heart Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 How are you doing @Ferris wheel? Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 18, 2021 Share Posted July 18, 2021 On 7/8/2021 at 3:01 PM, Ferris wheel said: I’d see her in a flash but this time it is very much over and the door has been slammed closed never to be opened again. It had to end once and for all. What I’ve done, how I’ve behaved and conducted myself is truly dispeciable and when I look in the mirror I repulsive myself. I’ve damaged many life’s, children both women, mine, our friends and family all the plans, dreams, promises, commitments down the drain. All for what... so I could spend a few hours having sex with a pretty lady. It’s horrendous and I’m paying for it every living moment of my life’s now. I know some may jump on me for saying that to you, but you know what? It's something you need to hear. It's not about trying to make you feel guilty, it's about asking you to face, full on and with no excuses, what you have done to another human being who had no idea this was going on. You haven't just cheated on your wife, you've cheated on your children too. You put your wife's mental,. physical and emotional health at risk, and in doing so, you also risked your children. You had all the time in the world to prepare, consider your options, make your choices and then live with them. Your wife and children have not. When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 19, 2021 Share Posted July 19, 2021 18 hours ago, pepperbird2 said: When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself. Exactly, pepperbird. After my d-day I had no idea whether my H and I would stay together. I made the decision to work on myself and figure out why I did what I did regardless of whether my H gave me a second chance. Because I didn't want to ever become that person I was again so I did the work. Yes it's still baggage for me, but it's baggage I use to make the right choices, instead of the wrong or hurtful ones. I truly feel that people who make the decision to cheat can grow and change but only if one faces what one has done and takes full responsibility. It's not an easy or quick road to take but worth the pain and work, IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted August 4, 2021 Share Posted August 4, 2021 On 7/18/2021 at 8:55 PM, pepperbird2 said: I know some may jump on me for saying that to you, but you know what? It's something you need to hear. It's not about trying to make you feel guilty, it's about asking you to face, full on and with no excuses, what you have done to another human being who had no idea this was going on. You haven't just cheated on your wife, you've cheated on your children too. You put your wife's mental,. physical and emotional health at risk, and in doing so, you also risked your children. You had all the time in the world to prepare, consider your options, make your choices and then live with them. Your wife and children have not. When I see you wrapping up your comment with how you are paying a heavy price...sir, you are the one who got away with he least damage. You don't sound like a bad guy, and if you do want to reconcile, you are going to have to fully face what you have done. Even if you choose to divorce, it's important because , as you more onto in life, you will take this baggage with you. Best to sort through it now, learn from it and go into the future with a better understanding of yourself. Looking back through the posts, I don't think the OP cares. He would run to Jane in a flash. He is missing Jane (not his wife). You are paying a price, OP, but it sounds like you are preparing to split up with your wife also, especially if you think marital therapy is just going to 'delay the inevitable'. You've lied and lived the life of an adventurer and prince physically. He who lives by the sword, and all that ... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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