What do you do when you can no longer trust anything?

[Wounded Truster]

My apologies for the long read, but I had to place context to the question at the end.
I have been married to my wife for 6 years and during that time I have come to realize that she is not truthful, and will never be. Our relationship came about as we worked in the same building and would occasionally run into one another at the local grocery store. I had been happily divorced from a previous marriage where infidelity was the divorce reason 5 years before we met, and she was recently out of a "dishonest relationship with a liar" as she put it. I had been dating and was fine with being a single father, she had two children from previous relationships and was looking for "a good man that she can trust with her heart".

While dating I knew she was dating as well, that was not the issue. When she started to question my friendship with other women is when I should has noticed her tendency at "projecting guilt". While dating we found out that we were pregnant, and as I love being a father, this made me happy. I was speaking about the upcoming birth of my child when a co-worker said something off-putting about "make sure it's yours".

I took this as a comment from a bitter guy that has seen the worst of women. I should have investigated, but was wrapped in the joy of my child. Come to find out after we married and my child was born, that the bitter guy was dating my wife up until she broke it off and started to date me. When I asked my wife about it, she lied and said that they never dated... The first in a long line of lies! Then a trusted co-worker provided me the info that my wife lied about. When confronted with this information, my wife then changed the story to "We had lunch a few times". This should have been my first clue about her lies, but I wanted to believe her as she was now my wife and the mother of my child.
As anyone can tell you, divorce is very costly for a man and it was something that sidetracked my financial progress right before my relationship. During the relationship I rebuilt my financial standing so that we could get the home/Cars/Everything else that we needed for the marriage and that all our children needed. As my wife had terrible credit, I had to carry all the financial burden from all aspects. This is when I came to see that she was not good with money because "I was spoiled and had most things done for me by my parents" as she put it. In the face of that, I placed the burden on my shoulders alone and only asked her to not do things that would place us in a hole.

Over the next 4 years she would unnecessarily lie about various things, from the minor, to the financially costly.
Also during this time she would do things behind my back with her biological children, things that would be minor, to the financially costly, and would hide the activities with deception and lies.

We attended counseling for the lies, and she said that she would never hurt me with any more lies. Stated that she learned from it and did not want to lose the only guy that has ever provided for her and been honest and trust worthy. This was also a lie!
More lies continued with the final one being one where the question of infidelity started to become a issue.
Weeks ago she told me that her sons' father's family was holding a "Rememberance gathering" for the boys' grandmother. This event was in the town where my wife originally lived before she moved and met me. I was told that she would go to see her family, while the boys visited their extended family gathering.
During the day my wife was calling me to "see what you're up to". I noticed that her phone had been checking the security logs of our security system as well. I thought, "well she will see me sitting here eating wings and watching movies", and nothing else was thought of it.
Last week one of the boys slipped and said "Mom, Did you eat the hot dogs at the cookout because they were nasty". This prompted me to ask "Oh, so you went to the gathering and didn't say anything during the many calls you made to me?"
Then the excuses came, all sounding as if she felt that "it was no big deal".
This is where I felt that we needed to separate for one of two reasons. One: You lied and went to spend time with another man and his family. or Two: You knew what you did would not only be disrespectful to your husband, but that it would again hurt me that you were being deceptive.

I have separated although we live in the same home. We are living in separate rooms and I often do not speak to her.  It is hard on the children, but I find it's needed because I find myself increasing angry that she would continuously hurt me in varying ways with lies... Now I question if she is cheating, and that is too much .
I don't know if further counseling would help, or if I should just let it all go and move on.
If you read all of that and wish to provide any guidance, thank you.

Edited July 6, 2021 by Wounded Truster
Typos

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wounded Truster said:

I have separated although we live in the same home. We are living in separate rooms and I often do not speak to her.   I question if she is cheating

Sorry this is happening. Either reconcile or move out .

Living in a standoff in the same house is not "separated", it's a warzone..

[glows]

Figure out a separation agreement and talk to your lawyer about the separation and divorce so that you have better guidelines about what next to do. Not having the correct legal advice will just add to your angst and frustration because there's no end in sight to the chaos and destruction of your marriage/family life. 

Frankly it doesn't matter what lies she tells anymore. The relationship is over if you can't trust each other. The issue about being at the family gathering (of her kids' dad) seems blown out of proportion but I can understand you're already raw from everything else.

 

[Wounded Truster]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Either reconcile or move out .

Thank you for the advice but I cannot do either of these at this time. Something I learned from my previous divorce is that the party that lives in the home 80% of the time wins control of the home. I can't see myself throwing away home equity and stability in this market because of what she did to me (not the other way around).

[Wounded Truster]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Figure out a separation agreement and talk to your lawyer about the separation and divorce so that you have better guidelines about what next to do. Not having the correct legal advice will just add to your angst and frustration because there's no end in sight to the chaos and destruction of your marriage/family life. 

Frankly it doesn't matter what lies she tells anymore. The relationship is over if you can't trust each other. The issue about being at the family gathering (of her kids' dad) seems blown out of proportion but I can understand you're already raw from everything else.

 

Thank you for the advice, I am in the process of legal representation at this time.

[glows]

5 hours ago, Wounded Truster said:

Thank you for the advice, I am in the process of legal representation at this time.

That's good. Listen to your lawyer and ask him/her any questions you may have about the property or your kids. It won't completely take away the frustration of living under the same roof but talk with your lawyer about your desired outcome in all this and ask for timelines. Remember that he or she is working for you so get what you need out of him. The pain and hurt of the lies and the heartbreak doesn't get any easier that quickly but it will with time once the divorce goes through and you're both fully finished with each other. Your main priority is ensuring your own mental health and your kids' health and wellbeing. 

[Blind-Sided]

Sorry you are at this point.

You are heeding down the right path.  She is a habitual liar, and sounds like she is making BAD choices about money.  Regardless of what it will cost to get rid of her... it will be cheaper than continuing with her. 

Since she is the one cheating and lying... then you should ask her to leave. I guess I should ask... who's house was it before you got married?  

One thing you should check.... have a DNA check done to see if "your kid" is really your kid.  That could be a huge hit to you financially.  And if the kid really isn't yours... then you don't have to pay for it for the next 14 years. 

[vla1120]

I would ask for a DNA test to make sure that child is yours and consult with an attorney to protect your assets. You are right for staying in the home. You are also right that divorce is costly, especially if you've been the one carrying most of the financial responsibility. Mitigate your losses by making sure whether that child is yours, and by taking the advice of your lawyer. I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I know from experience, it's hard to stay in the marital home when separated. 

[David267]

Brother I hope that what I'm about to say will help you.  I see that you've been divorced once so I'm sure that you know the signs.  I'm currently dealing with a cheating spouse of 15 years and my situation started with lies like this and progressed to full blown cheating.  Trust your gut and move on, you seem like a good guy and sad to say, many women these days just don't care for us good guys... Good Luck!!

[Irock]

There is a word that I learned is worse than any in English language... It consumes you.. changes everything.. how you think, look at people... It's DOUBT... Once you are betrayed.. lied to.. there's just no button to turn everything off.. feelings are feelings.. that kind of pain . In my case .. was debilitating... Lied to my face.... I don't know how many times... And when it all came down to all that s*** he put me through.. I said.  I wasn't even mad what you did anymore.. it's how you did it.. and how you treated me through it... It showed he didn't care what he did to me.. so all that I love you s***.. meant nothing when you just put me through all that garbage to get you to admit... What I already knew....