We broke up over an ultimatum - I'm trying to talk to her but she won't talk right now - Looking for guidance

[poppyfields]

The ONLY way to "reconcile" this is to present her with a ring, and set a date within two years TOPS.  Ideally sooner.

You still have not told us why you're so hesitant.  What are you afraid of?

I've actually never heard of that.  I mean you say you KNOW you want to marry her, you are sure about that, so why the stalling? 

What do you envision about marriage that scares you so much?  Such that you cannot foresee making a decision within two more years?   

By then it will be SIX years together!  WTF.

You are 34, not 24 for goodness sake.😳

Do you know where your fear of commitment stems from?

Cause all your hedging, stalling, uncertainty, after so many years together, all points to that.

Anyway, as I said, all the "talking" in the world will not resolve this.  It's simply more stalling tactics and SHE knows that too.

If you are serious about knowing you want to marry her, stop the dilly dallying and present her with a ring and set a date.

That's the only way to successfully resolve this.

If you cannot do that, let her go.

 

 

Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[glows]

You're just worried about losing what you've known for awhile hence the shock. The way she presented the issue was also a shock so it's no surprise you're not interested in marrying someone like that according to strict timelines (if you've never discussed marriage before). Showing up with a ring is a big mistake. All you're doing is responding to your initial shock and loss of the person, not actually certain or having talked about aspects of a marriage like kids etc. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by glows

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

She had requested an answer of yes or no, yes being she will get a ring within 2 years or no and we are done.  I wasn't given two more years to decide if i wanted to get engaged.  

Yes you were.  Had you even said something like "that's a good possibility but don't ruin the surprise" this would not have blown up in your face.  Perhaps she did it in a ham handed way but she wanted to know that you two were on the same page & marriage would happen sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately when you felt cornered your response gave her the impression that you didn't want to marry her & that after all this time -- 4.5 years -- you were still unsure.  You made her feel like the last 2 years living together you were just playing house.  So she ended it

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I was reaching out to her to try and talk to he rand reconcile the relationship and see if she is willing to do the same.  She has said she isn't ready to talk right now, so I have been respecting her space.   I just don't know how long I should wait until reaching out to her again to see if she's ready to talk, we haven't texted in a month.

 if you don't know the answer, then the answer is "dont' wait".

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

get engaged in maybe 2 or 3 years

Hopefully you realize if she wants marriage and family after being together this long and in her mid 20s, telling her this is nonsense.

You're unhappy coasting along and stringing along is over. If she meant anything to you, you would not have jerked her around for years.

[S2B]

You aren’t a good match.

she was prioritizing you and a future. You let her know the future with her isn’t your priority.

when you get married (or consider it) the person you are marrying - should be a top priority.

since she wasn’t - I don’t think you can fix this.

why did you think you needed another 3-4 years to give her a ring?

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

You aren’t a good match.

she was prioritizing you and a future. You let her know the future with her isn’t your priority.

when you get married (or consider it) the person you are marrying - should be a top priority.

since she wasn’t - I don’t think you can fix this.

why did you think you needed another 3-4 years to give her a ring?

I told her I wanted to get engaged to her within 2 or 3 years (4 a long shot), I just didn't give into the ultimatum of 2 years or less, but I always gave her the reassurance it was her I wanted to marry.   I get I didn't just agree to her ultimatum, but I never told her I don't know if I want to marry her.  She is a top priority for me, but in terms of readiness, I felt around 2-3ish years was best.  She would be 27/28 engaged and around 29 married.  

What about the other way around, why did it HAVE to be a force and within 2 years to get engaged for her or she's done?  I get it would be us being 6 years together and yeah that's a good amount of time, but i'm trying to prioritize our future too and telling her i want to get engaged also just a little more flexible of a timeline.  Where's the trying to work together part? she just couldn't accept it and ended it.

[clia]

I really don't think there is anything you can do at this point and you need to just let her go.  You are hesitant to marry her for some reason, which you haven't shared.  I mean, you've been with her four and a half years, lived together, and yet you apparently have never talked to her about marriage and were "blindsided" by this conversation?  And couldn't even agree to a very reasonable timeframe of engagement within the next two years?  Why are you so hesitant?  Why wasn't an engagement within the next two years reasonable to you?

And now that she's gone, suddenly, maybe, you are willing to work on her timeline.  But are you really?  I wouldn't trust you one iota if you came back right now -- not to get engaged, not to get married, none of it.  Your past actions have shown that you are all talk (you want to marry her, want to spend the rest of your life with her) and no action (oh, but not for 2, 3, 4 years....).    

Edited July 7, 2021 by clia

[GeorgiaPeach1]

So many women have accepted FWB, endless shacking up and even having children out of wedlock, that a lot of men these days feel it is totally acceptable to get their needs met without having to formally commit. 

Good for her for not wanting to be one of those women, and standing up for herself. 

Please leave her alone. You can't have your cake and eat it too with her.

Edited July 7, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[ShyViolet]

Honestly, don't waste any more of this woman's time.

[assertives]

44 minutes ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I told her I wanted to get engaged to her within 2 or 3 years (4 a long shot)

You've repeated this several times. Frankly, this sounded more like your timeline is pushing 4 years rather than 2 or 3 years. If you really are at 2 or 3 years, then frankly, it isn't that far off from her timeline in which case, you wouldn't have had that much trouble or felt that blindsided to the point you actually let the relationship end and moved out.

To you, you may see it as only waiting a couple more years, but to her, she was probably waiting way earlier than that. For women who date with the intention to marry and start a family, unless one started dating the same person since highschool, 4.5 years is a damn long time to have nothing happen, and not even a discussion of getting married. Coupled with your reaction to her 2 years or let's call it ultimatum, it tells her exactly where you are at in terms of a future with her. You guys are ultimately at different life stages.

I too think you should let her go. There was clearly something in you that held you back. You should explore why or what that is. Don't contact her and make promises out of fear. The more talks and discussions to work on this timeline frankly sounded like more insincere and empty promises. 

Don't waste anymore of her time. There are only that many childbearing years in a woman's life.

[poppyfields]

@DarkestbeforeDawn00would you kindly answer the questions I posed in my last post?  Asking what you envision about marriage that scares you so much and if you know where your fear of commitment stems from?  Which quite clearly, after 4.5 years, and not being able to give her a definitive answer within the next two years, is what this is about.

I don't understand why you are evading these questions, that many of us have asked, but if your evasiveness here is any indication of how you interact with your now-ex, I totally understand her frustration.

Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

if you want to marry her, why didn't you just say "you know what you're right" and go buy an engagement ring instead of dancing around semantics?

[S2B]

2 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I told her I wanted to get engaged to her within 2 or 3 years (4 a long shot), I just didn't give into the ultimatum of 2 years or less, but I always gave her the reassurance it was her I wanted to marry.   I get I didn't just agree to her ultimatum, but I never told her I don't know if I want to marry her.  She is a top priority for me, but in terms of readiness, I felt around 2-3ish years was best.  She would be 27/28 engaged and around 29 married.  

What about the other way around, why did it HAVE to be a force and within 2 years to get engaged for her or she's done?  I get it would be us being 6 years together and yeah that's a good amount of time, but i'm trying to prioritize our future too and telling her i want to get engaged also just a little more flexible of a timeline.  Where's the trying to work together part? she just couldn't accept it and ended it.

Why did you feel you needed to wait another 2-4 years? What was your reason? Be specific.

she was ready. She already waited more than 4 years. That’s long enough for anyone to know and to be ready - or not.

and you failed. You failed to give a firm answer. You failed to commit! You failed to buy a ring. You failed to make her feel secure about her future with you!

can you see that your lazy attitude about marriage and commitment made the relationship fail? 

if you are this reluctant to commit - it IS better that it ended.

so leave her alone now. You had the chance and now your goals simply don’t match. She needs a man who really really would do anything to marry her - and that guy isn’t you.

and don’t say you assured her. Your lack of a firm answer definitely let her know you really don’t want to marry her anytime soon. She wants to marry soon! This is why your goals aren’t lined up with each other.

and sometimes in life - love isn’t enough to make it work - people want different goals. Your goal is to get married way later and hers is to marry soon. Sorry, stop pursuing her - you can’t offer what she wants.

[S2B]

Most gals in that age range - if you don’t propose after 2 years - they will leave you if they have marriage in mind.

I'm surprised she stayed 4-1/2 years! 
 

 

[S2B]

Why are YOU afraid to get married now?

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why are YOU afraid to get married now?

That is what I am wondering. 

OP, in concrete terms, what is holding you back from taking the next step with her? You say you want to develop your life together first, so what does that mean, exactly? You have already dated for 4 years. You have already lived together. What do you feel is missing from this equation that the next 2-3 years will offer the time to resolve? 

I mean that sincerely. You haven't really identified what is causing your hesitation. Deep down, do you even want to get married? Not everyone does. Some people are happy with a lifelong partnership without feeling the need for an official marriage. And other folks like the idea of marriage on the surface, but are actually uncomfortable with the idea of a commitment forever. And, of course, still other people love their partners a lot but for some reason don't quite see them as the person to settle down with for the rest of their lives. In your heart of hearts, do you fall into any of the descriptions? 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If after 6 years you don't know if you will be ready to get engaged (and not even married yet), well, this isn't the woman for you. 

This is what stuck with me: that he was not even talking about getting married in 3 or 4 years max. He was talking about getting engaged. And that could very well mean two (or more) years together as an engaged couple and then (hopefully) marriage...

OP, that timeline is as vague as can be. 

I'm also curious about your statement that you were blindsided by the ultimatum. Is it possible that she's been trying to have this conversation with you for the longest and you've been dismissing it, oblivious to how important it is to her? You've mentioned a few times that you thought you were both happy, you were both building a future together, etc. But it's worth considering whether you were simply paying attention to your own feelings and assuming she shared them.

Just a few things to think about. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[Mrin]

Just my two cents: you should leave her alone and see if she reaches back out. Anything you say or do is suspect.  

[kgcolonel]

Darkest...you continuously state that you want to rebuild the relationship....that's what you want, it is not what she wants.  She wants a commitment, action, not words.  You are not hearing her.  You (and I don't mean this to be mean) are not ready to make that commitment and you know it.  You need to let her go.  What happens if 2-4 years from now, you still aren't ready?  She's delayed her goals and dreams on your promises that even you can't commit will come true.

The words you use are clear, you WANT to rebuild the relationship.  Listen to her words, she WANTS to get married on a timeline.  You can't commit to this.  I do commend you however that you're honest with her, in spite of likely losing her in that you're not willing to promise her something that even you can't convince yourself you're ready to do.  

Let her go and pursue your goals with someone who has similar timelines and goals.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Why are YOU afraid to get married now?

I'm not now.  I do want to marry her and I guess I made the mistake of being too comfortable in the position we were in.  I do want to reconcile our relationship and commit to her and give her the timeline she is looking for because I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life.  I just had cloudy judgement of a timeline I guess? Did I need a wake up call? 

I'm thinking now that it's too late to contact her and tell her I do want to marry and get for us to get engaged within the timeline she is looking for.  It's probably too late for that and I messed this situation up. 

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@DarkestbeforeDawn00would you kindly answer the questions I posed in my last post?  Asking what you envision about marriage that scares you so much and if you know where your fear of commitment stems from?  Which quite clearly, after 4.5 years, and not being able to give her a definitive answer within the next two years, is what this is about.

I don't understand why you are evading these questions, that many of us have asked, but if your evasiveness here is any indication of how you interact with your now-ex, I totally understand her frustration.

I'm sorry, I'm not meaning to evade any questions.  It's not that marriage scares me, I just think I wasn't really understanding of how serious this situation is.  I may of needed a wake up call.  I was comfortable with her and felt like we had a future together, and my very laid back personality was a factor in this.  I obviously don't want to lose her, and would love to reconcile the relationship and give her the ring within the time frame she is looking for, but I feel like it's too late to do that with the stage and situation we are in now.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 hours ago, kgcolonel said:

Darkest...you continuously state that you want to rebuild the relationship....that's what you want, it is not what she wants.  She wants a commitment, action, not words.  You are not hearing her.  You (and I don't mean this to be mean) are not ready to make that commitment and you know it.  You need to let her go.  What happens if 2-4 years from now, you still aren't ready?  She's delayed her goals and dreams on your promises that even you can't commit will come true.

The words you use are clear, you WANT to rebuild the relationship.  Listen to her words, she WANTS to get married on a timeline.  You can't commit to this.  I do commend you however that you're honest with her, in spite of likely losing her in that you're not willing to promise her something that even you can't convince yourself you're ready to do.  

Let her go and pursue your goals with someone who has similar timelines and goals.  

To add to that, I do want to reconcile the relationship as well as provide her the timeline she is looking for.  I do not want to lose her.  But I feel it's too late for me given what has occurred and where we are in the situation now.  I never said to her I didn't want to marry her.  My timeline was off and foolish, I understand that now.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes you were.  Had you even said something like "that's a good possibility but don't ruin the surprise" this would not have blown up in your face.  Perhaps she did it in a ham handed way but she wanted to know that you two were on the same page & marriage would happen sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately when you felt cornered your response gave her the impression that you didn't want to marry her & that after all this time -- 4.5 years -- you were still unsure.  You made her feel like the last 2 years living together you were just playing house.  So she ended it

Yup, sounds accurate.  If I could go back in time and change it I would.  The timeline I gave was foolish, and I never meant it in a bad way, because I do want to marry her, I've always told her that.  I guess I needed a wake up call.  

[S2B]

I would venture to say that unless you can buy an engagement ring now - and plan a wedding for a year from now (to prove to her with solid evidence you intend to marry her) she is gone.

and unless you intend to offer her that - do not contact her under any circumstances. It’s disrespectful if you do.

and being vaguely interested in marrying her  2-3 years from now… nah, that’s just not a firm enough plan for any gal to wrap her head around. 
 

do you earn enough to support yourself now?

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B