We broke up over an ultimatum - I'm trying to talk to her but she won't talk right now - Looking for guidance

[S2B]

She gave you three weeks to decide differently when you were discussing this. You still were hell bent on waiting 2, 3 or 4 more years to take action. 

no gal wants to be in a position of begging a man to marry them. And once that decision to end it comes - they rarely go back.

so much of what you type is all about you. When does life ever become about what would make your partner happy? I don’t think you get that… because that’s the magic that make a marriage work great = when you can think of what they want instead of what you want.

I just think she gave you plenty of time to change your mind and you didn’t - so that’s that.

heck, even I don’t really believe you WANT to marry her - you mainly don’t want to lose her - and ya know what? That’s not good enough.

you would be best not marrying her - she deserves someone who would walk across fire and ice to make her happy. That guy isn’t you.

[S2B]

At the beginning of this thread I thought you may be capable of fixing this.

but after the responses you gave - I don’t think so. Even I have had to try and convince you to be more open to how you can make her happy - to be more aware of her feelings and preferences - but you just don’t seem to make enough effort to be flexible to making HER a priority/to DO what makes HER happy!

 

and what is this reason you can’t marry her for 2-4 years? I want to know!

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

She gave you three weeks to decide differently when you were discussing this. You still were hell bent on waiting 2, 3 or 4 more years to take action. 

no gal wants to be in a position of begging a man to marry them. And once that decision to end it comes - they rarely go back.

so much of what you type is all about you. When does life ever become about what would make your partner happy? I don’t think you get that… because that’s the magic that make a marriage work great = when you can think of what they want instead of what you want.

I just think she gave you plenty of time to change your mind and you didn’t - so that’s that.

heck, even I don’t really believe you WANT to marry her - you mainly don’t want to lose her - and ya know what? That’s not good enough.

you would be best not marrying her - she deserves someone who would walk across fire and ice to make her happy. That guy isn’t you.

What I'm trying to say here is that I understand I made the mistake of not thinking about her as well and I would like to fix that.  Especially looking back now and the whole timeline thing I had in mind was clearly foolish.  I do want to make her happy, and clearly I didn't when this all came about but I want to fix that now and give her what she's looking for.  

I definitely don't want to lose her and I do want to marry her.  I've absolutely come to terms that I messed this up and I clearly was not thinking properly.  Throughout our relationship I did many things for her and she would always tell me how appreciative she was of me and that I knew her very well.  When it came to this situation, I buckled and I clearly see that now and I'm learning the very hard way.

Are you saying I should not try and reach out to her to make this work? ? They rarely go back true, but there is still a fighting chance.  This is the chance I need to take, and I want to give her what she is looking for and be the one who supports her and loves her

[S2B]

Are you prepared to buy an expensive ring NOW and offer marriage to her within the one year mark?

if you aren’t, no, it won’t work! She wanted to marry you and you said well…nah, maybe I. 2-4 years.

if you don’t offer for now - she will know you are a time waster.

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

At the beginning of this thread I thought you may be capable of fixing this.

but after the responses you gave - I don’t think so. Even I have had to try and convince you to be more open to how you can make her happy - to be more aware of her feelings and preferences - but you just don’t seem to make enough effort to be flexible to making HER a priority/to DO what makes HER happy!

 

and what is this reason you can’t marry her for 2-4 years? I want to know!

Could you provide your thoughts on how I could fix this? 

I love her.  She is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.  If that means engagement tomorrow and a wedding next week I would do it.  Clearly through this thread I've been able to understand what I've done wrong and see how I was thinking 

In terms of marriage I guess I just wanted to make fully sure I was able to support her and had everything set in place so we wouldn't have any issues ever, financial wise as well.  Starting a new career, I had to get solidified first and make sure this is what i want to do.  Great paying job, but wasn't sure if I was going to be there a long time. I guess the uncertainty of that played a big part and wanting to wait to make sure I was able to fully take care of her and our future

[glows]

I'm not sure what other option you have other than to try approaching her and tell her what you've told us if this is something you really want to do and try. Tell her what she means to you and propose to her but keep your frame of mind in perspective and that you're vulnerable and reeling from a loss. 

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

11 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm not sure what other option you have other than to try approaching her and tell her what you've told us if this is something you really want to do and try. Tell her what she means to you and propose to her but keep your frame of mind in perspective and that you're vulnerable and reeling from a loss. 

I would love to approach her and tell her in person, but the only means of communication right now is via text message because she has said she isn't ready to talk/see me right now

[glows]

1 minute ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I would love to approach her and tell her in person, but the only means of communication right now is via text message because she has said she isn't ready to talk/see me right now

You're not going anywhere though, right? Just take one day at a time and see how things go. Use the time too to gather yourself and put other things in your life right (anything you might have been pushing to the wayside because of all this stress and upheaval). It's slim chances that she'd reconsider but for your peace of mind maybe that's the only choice for you later on. You could put yourself out of this misery and let go too but I think this is not an option for you as there is too much unfinished business.

[S2B]

6 minutes ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I would love to approach her and tell her in person, but the only means of communication right now is via text message because she has said she isn't ready to talk/see me right now

Your mind always creates these roadblocks.

you aren’t much of a “take action now” kind of guy, are you?

 

Do some extensive counseling to help:

you become an action based person.

One that finds solutions instead of creating more problems.

a guy that thinks of others and does things for others too. 

 

Honestly - I’m not sure you have the mindset to get married. One step forward and then you consistently run 3 steps backwards. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

Your mind always creates these roadblocks.

you aren’t much of a “take action now” kind of guy, are you?

 

Do some extensive counseling to help:

you become an action based person.

One that finds solutions instead of creating more problems.

a guy that thinks of others and does things for others too. 

 

Honestly - I’m not sure you have the mindset to get married. One step forward and then you consistently run 3 steps backwards. 

I would take action and approach her and To add to that, what I mean is I literally can't.  I've tried talking to her and seeing her and she has rejected that and doesn't want to see me right now.  I also don't know where she lives, so I can't show up to her doorstep and try to talk to her.  

With her asking for the time and space, I've been respecting that.  Is that not the right thing to do?

I do take action but maybe I need to take it to a higher level

 

[S2B]

You know where she works right?

you know where a jewelry store is right?

if you do this and you don’t go ALL IN and offer her a ring, marriage right away a d a future where you consider what SHE wants - it won’t work.

and IF you can’t offer that - don’t go to her.

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

9 minutes ago, S2B said:

You know where she works right?

Not working until September - has the summer off

[jspice]

On 7/7/2021 at 12:23 PM, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

What about the other way around, why did it HAVE to be a force and within 2 years to get engaged for her or she's done?  I get it would be us being 6 years together and yeah that's a good amount of time, but i'm trying to prioritize our future too and telling her i want to get engaged also just a little more flexible of a timeline.  Where's the trying to work together part? she just couldn't accept it and ended it.

She didn’t  force you. She said what she wanted and you said what you wanted. You want different things. She left. 
 

You want her to come back because it’s inconvenient for you that she’s gone. You also want her to see your point and agree  to your 4 years. You’re “agreeing” now because that will get her back and then you’ll drag your heels again. 
leave her to find man who wants to commit to her,  not merely think about it in 4 years. 

[S2B]

1 minute ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

Not working until September - has the summer off

Ya… I just don’t think you can make this work at all.

your mind is way too rigid. You don’t find solutions when there is a roadblock.

you two aren’t a good match. You’re probably better off staying single.

[ShyViolet]

33 minutes ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I would take action and approach her and To add to that, what I mean is I literally can't.  I've tried talking to her and seeing her and she has rejected that and doesn't want to see me right now.  I also don't know where she lives, so I can't show up to her doorstep and try to talk to her.  

This is your answer right here.  She is not leaving the door open to reconciling.  She's making it clear that it's over.  Respect that.

Your change of heart, now that you're saying "Oh, actually I do want to get married" is just too little too late.  I highly doubt she would be interested in your consolation prize.  In the original situation you already acted hesitant and wishy-washy about getting married.  That was hurtful to her.  You can't un-ring that bell.  

And honestly, people's first reactions are most revealing of their true feelings.  I don't believe that you truly WANT to get married.  You are just backpedaling now because you "don't want to lose her."  Not wanting to "lose" someone is not the same as actually wanting to get married.

[Acacia98]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'd text her to say that you've given yourself a kick up the rear end, you realise you were being dumb and wish to see her to try and make things right.  Save a proposal for when you're face to face. 

I think you should follow this advice @DarkestbeforeDawn00. Maybe it's too late. But you should at least try if that's what your heart is telling you. If she doesn't respond, respect the fact that her answer is "No," and allow yourself to start to move on.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

Could you provide your thoughts on how I could fix this? 

You don't.

It's been several months since she emotionally walked out.  Her saying that she needs time is only half of the statement. What it should be is.. "I need time to figure out how to forget you." 

But... this is a learning point.  Think about it.  She asked you for a talk/choice on being engaged. And gave you an actual window of time. (2 year)   You blew her off.  Now you want to talk, but the only reason why is because you now know she is serious about moving on. Why would she give you time when you couldn't commit to her? 

I know it hurts... we have all been there before.  But you saying "I love her and have to try"... is her police report starting with "Stalker". 

It's been several months... it's time to move on, and learn from this mistake.  Don't let the next good one get away.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, I don't think she'll take you back. I think she's pissed at you, and feels like you really hurt her, and it's too late to fix things. 

I could be wrong, but her request was straightforward and reasonable and you didn't respond. BTW: you want to apply non-negotiable items when you date someone in the future.

In your defense, I can get the male desire to want career all figured out and solid. But what you miss is that she's showing great confidence in you as you are right now. So you wanting to be in a different career position likely didn't resonate with her. I know this is hard to feel, but she most likely had already made the judgment that you would ultimately get a good job and move up in the world. She's already concluded that you'll do that. She wouldn't want an engagement deadline if she had doubts about that.

But I get your desire to be in a better place career wise. Lots of us were socialized to think like that. The flaw in this worry (I'm not at the right place to commit to marriage yet) is that technically, until you're CEO of the world, you'll always want to move up in the world. You'll always imagine being secure with more money. And the flaw in the thinking (flaw might not be the right word) is that she has confidence in you while you don't have confidence in yourself. 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yeah, I don't think she'll take you back. I think she's pissed at you, and feels like you really hurt her, and it's too late to fix things. 

Sadly agree. It's like a totaled car. Not everything can be fixed.

[Timshel]

3 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

In terms of marriage I guess I just wanted to make fully sure I was able to support her and had everything set in place so we wouldn't have any issues ever, financial wise as well.  Starting a new career, I had to get solidified first and make sure this is what i want to do.  Great paying job, but wasn't sure if I was going to be there a long time. I guess the uncertainty of that played a big part and wanting to wait to make sure I was able to fully take care of her and our future

Life doesn't work this way, 'we wouldn't have any issues ever, financial wise as well.' What is the saying...we make plans and God laughs. There is no question that life will throw some curve balls. After so many years with her and the two of you dealing with life together...you are not sure she is the one to go through the rest of it with? Or are you waiting for life to be perfect and expect a holding pattern till the end?

I agree with other posters here, you are missing what you had, but when you had it it was...meh. Breaking up is difficult and you have had your ex around for a long time. I think that you are having break up blues and trying to ease your discomfort. Don't ask a person to marry you because you don't want to be by yourself. Let her go. You will both meet other people and when you meet a woman you want to marry, you'll know.

You will be ok. Focus on self improvement and your career.

 

[Yosemite]

5 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I'm just lost at what I say to her - I don't want to mess this up and say the wrong thing and the only way is through text message at this current moment.  

There aren't any magic words/actions that are guaranteed to make her forgive you. You've already written her a love letter, called her, and asked to see her in person to talk. She said no. You can't propose by text and you can't give a real, sincere, believable apology by text. All you can do is ask her again if she'll meet with you to talk and if she says no again, you have to accept it.

Honestly, I think that ignoring her statement that she's not ready to see you is going to blow up in your face. Just like you ignored the fact that she wanted to get engaged within two years, now you're going to ignore the fact that she's not ready to see you. If she wanted to give you a chance to make things up to her, she would've agreed to meet with you after she got the love letter or she would've let you help her move.

You left over the proposal not being exactly when you wanted it to be. And after you left, she gave you plenty of chances to come to your senses and compromise, but you didn't. I think that you're in the bargaining stage of grief...if I can just talk to her one more time, I'll be able to get her back. But you've already tried that like 3 times. You need to start accepting that it's over.

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Yosemite

[S2B]

I just don’t see you being AUTHENTICALLY ready to marry her! I’m sure she knows this.

no woman ever wants to beg any man to marry her.

and yet that’s what you essentially did to her.

and so - she is done with you. Accept that and learn from it and move forward.

learn that when you date a gal and things are going well at the one year mark - that generally speaking the gal expects a ring by the two year mark... with a wedding within the year.

anything less and you are just wasting the gals time.

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B

[S2B]

And you don’t even know where she lives? That’s crazy - and lazy!

I can google most anyone for $50 and find out where they live! 

you must know her family, no? You must know places she likes to go on a regular basis, no?

how can you not be thinking about where she might be? If you know so little about her after 4 years you don’t deserve to marry her.

[Alfano]

Biggest mistake you can possibly make is to jump into a lifelong legally binding commitment when you aren't fully onboard.

Most marriages fail, even those that have a much more stable base than yours does.

Better off losing her entirely rather than doing it her way.

[spiderowl]

On 7/7/2021 at 4:11 AM, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I've always been one to take things slow that's for sure.  I never told her "one day" i want to get married.  I told her that i can't guarantee 2 years but it may be two maybe 3 years.  I get that not giving a definitive answer could seem hesitant, but I assured her it's her I want to marry.  I understand her looking for a specific date, but if i told her that i don't know if i want to get married and have to think about it, then I would understand her giving up.

The thing is, there is a romance story behind all this.  You meet a guy, you fall in love, you move in together, after a while he proposes and you are engaged.  It all flows nicely.  After a few months' engagement, the two of you marry.  The problem is, if I am understanding this correctly, you have never given her any sign you are interested in marriage or likely to propose.  The fact that she brought it up herself, that you did not propose to her, probably made her feel embarrassed.  The girl is not supposed to have to ask the guy to marry her.  If at that point, because he has just gone along with his own timeline and not considered hers, he is blindsided, hesitates and talks years down the line, well that says it all!  He is not really interested in marriage.

She's already had to bring the subject up herself.  She probably feels hurt at having to do that.  Now that she's given you a deadline, she may feel she's done the wrong thing, but what the hell?  Having given you a deadline, your response was too hesitant and now she has given up on you.

I don't think there is any point in pursuing this further with her.  She is already hurt and feeling cheapened for having to ask you about marriage in the first place.  The romance has gone, the dream has gone, and the dream guy was never the dream guy in the first place.  You say you've always been one to take things slow and you say that the timeline you gave her seemed the perfect one, but it was the perfect one for you.  Where did her feelings come into all this?  It seems they didn't until she walked out and that's the problem.