We broke up over an ultimatum - I'm trying to talk to her but she won't talk right now - Looking for guidance

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yeah, I don't think she'll take you back. I think she's pissed at you, and feels like you really hurt her, and it's too late to fix things. 

Sadly agree. It's like a totaled car. Not everything can be fixed.

[Timshel]

3 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

In terms of marriage I guess I just wanted to make fully sure I was able to support her and had everything set in place so we wouldn't have any issues ever, financial wise as well.  Starting a new career, I had to get solidified first and make sure this is what i want to do.  Great paying job, but wasn't sure if I was going to be there a long time. I guess the uncertainty of that played a big part and wanting to wait to make sure I was able to fully take care of her and our future

Life doesn't work this way, 'we wouldn't have any issues ever, financial wise as well.' What is the saying...we make plans and God laughs. There is no question that life will throw some curve balls. After so many years with her and the two of you dealing with life together...you are not sure she is the one to go through the rest of it with? Or are you waiting for life to be perfect and expect a holding pattern till the end?

I agree with other posters here, you are missing what you had, but when you had it it was...meh. Breaking up is difficult and you have had your ex around for a long time. I think that you are having break up blues and trying to ease your discomfort. Don't ask a person to marry you because you don't want to be by yourself. Let her go. You will both meet other people and when you meet a woman you want to marry, you'll know.

You will be ok. Focus on self improvement and your career.

 

[Yosemite]

5 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I'm just lost at what I say to her - I don't want to mess this up and say the wrong thing and the only way is through text message at this current moment.  

There aren't any magic words/actions that are guaranteed to make her forgive you. You've already written her a love letter, called her, and asked to see her in person to talk. She said no. You can't propose by text and you can't give a real, sincere, believable apology by text. All you can do is ask her again if she'll meet with you to talk and if she says no again, you have to accept it.

Honestly, I think that ignoring her statement that she's not ready to see you is going to blow up in your face. Just like you ignored the fact that she wanted to get engaged within two years, now you're going to ignore the fact that she's not ready to see you. If she wanted to give you a chance to make things up to her, she would've agreed to meet with you after she got the love letter or she would've let you help her move.

You left over the proposal not being exactly when you wanted it to be. And after you left, she gave you plenty of chances to come to your senses and compromise, but you didn't. I think that you're in the bargaining stage of grief...if I can just talk to her one more time, I'll be able to get her back. But you've already tried that like 3 times. You need to start accepting that it's over.

 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Yosemite

[Alfano]

Biggest mistake you can possibly make is to jump into a lifelong legally binding commitment when you aren't fully onboard.

Most marriages fail, even those that have a much more stable base than yours does.

Better off losing her entirely rather than doing it her way.

[spiderowl]

On 7/7/2021 at 4:11 AM, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I've always been one to take things slow that's for sure.  I never told her "one day" i want to get married.  I told her that i can't guarantee 2 years but it may be two maybe 3 years.  I get that not giving a definitive answer could seem hesitant, but I assured her it's her I want to marry.  I understand her looking for a specific date, but if i told her that i don't know if i want to get married and have to think about it, then I would understand her giving up.

The thing is, there is a romance story behind all this.  You meet a guy, you fall in love, you move in together, after a while he proposes and you are engaged.  It all flows nicely.  After a few months' engagement, the two of you marry.  The problem is, if I am understanding this correctly, you have never given her any sign you are interested in marriage or likely to propose.  The fact that she brought it up herself, that you did not propose to her, probably made her feel embarrassed.  The girl is not supposed to have to ask the guy to marry her.  If at that point, because he has just gone along with his own timeline and not considered hers, he is blindsided, hesitates and talks years down the line, well that says it all!  He is not really interested in marriage.

She's already had to bring the subject up herself.  She probably feels hurt at having to do that.  Now that she's given you a deadline, she may feel she's done the wrong thing, but what the hell?  Having given you a deadline, your response was too hesitant and now she has given up on you.

I don't think there is any point in pursuing this further with her.  She is already hurt and feeling cheapened for having to ask you about marriage in the first place.  The romance has gone, the dream has gone, and the dream guy was never the dream guy in the first place.  You say you've always been one to take things slow and you say that the timeline you gave her seemed the perfect one, but it was the perfect one for you.  Where did her feelings come into all this?  It seems they didn't until she walked out and that's the problem.

[Blind-Sided]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

The problem is, if I am understanding this correctly, you have never given her any sign you are interested in marriage or likely to propose.  The fact that she brought it up herself, that you did not propose to her, probably made her feel embarrassed.  The girl is not supposed to have to ask the guy to marry her. 

This is exactly what happed with my one female friend.  She dated this guy for almost 6 years.  She asked him to marry... and he said yes to her, just because he didn't want to lose her.  They were married for 6 mo when she realized it was a mistake, and started on him to pick up the slack.  He would for a day or two... and then go back to being who he was. at the one year mark... she filed for D.

I'm guessing this is what our OP's exGF was thinking. 

[torn_heart]

OP, I for one don't believe in marriage, but I see that you and your GF do.

If you really wanted to marry her there shouldn't be an issue not to give her what she wants, I feel you are not so sure (I can relate) but then just say it, to us at least, because it just doesn't make sense "I want to marry her, I want to spend all my life with her, buuuuuut in 4 years maybe", Why is that? Money? She wouldn't care, Carrer? You already live together! 

Be trustful, at least here, because for us, if you want to spend all your life with her the answer is right there, and it's very simple, you alredy passed the living together part. I feel you just don't really want to engage because maybe you want to see if another "better" girl appears in these years.