We broke up over an ultimatum - I'm trying to talk to her but she won't talk right now - Looking for guidance

[glows]

You're just worried about losing what you've known for awhile hence the shock. The way she presented the issue was also a shock so it's no surprise you're not interested in marrying someone like that according to strict timelines (if you've never discussed marriage before). Showing up with a ring is a big mistake. All you're doing is responding to your initial shock and loss of the person, not actually certain or having talked about aspects of a marriage like kids etc. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by glows

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

She had requested an answer of yes or no, yes being she will get a ring within 2 years or no and we are done.  I wasn't given two more years to decide if i wanted to get engaged.  

Yes you were.  Had you even said something like "that's a good possibility but don't ruin the surprise" this would not have blown up in your face.  Perhaps she did it in a ham handed way but she wanted to know that you two were on the same page & marriage would happen sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately when you felt cornered your response gave her the impression that you didn't want to marry her & that after all this time -- 4.5 years -- you were still unsure.  You made her feel like the last 2 years living together you were just playing house.  So she ended it

[kendahke]

13 hours ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I was reaching out to her to try and talk to he rand reconcile the relationship and see if she is willing to do the same.  She has said she isn't ready to talk right now, so I have been respecting her space.   I just don't know how long I should wait until reaching out to her again to see if she's ready to talk, we haven't texted in a month.

 if you don't know the answer, then the answer is "dont' wait".

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

get engaged in maybe 2 or 3 years

Hopefully you realize if she wants marriage and family after being together this long and in her mid 20s, telling her this is nonsense.

You're unhappy coasting along and stringing along is over. If she meant anything to you, you would not have jerked her around for years.

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

29 minutes ago, S2B said:

You aren’t a good match.

she was prioritizing you and a future. You let her know the future with her isn’t your priority.

when you get married (or consider it) the person you are marrying - should be a top priority.

since she wasn’t - I don’t think you can fix this.

why did you think you needed another 3-4 years to give her a ring?

I told her I wanted to get engaged to her within 2 or 3 years (4 a long shot), I just didn't give into the ultimatum of 2 years or less, but I always gave her the reassurance it was her I wanted to marry.   I get I didn't just agree to her ultimatum, but I never told her I don't know if I want to marry her.  She is a top priority for me, but in terms of readiness, I felt around 2-3ish years was best.  She would be 27/28 engaged and around 29 married.  

What about the other way around, why did it HAVE to be a force and within 2 years to get engaged for her or she's done?  I get it would be us being 6 years together and yeah that's a good amount of time, but i'm trying to prioritize our future too and telling her i want to get engaged also just a little more flexible of a timeline.  Where's the trying to work together part? she just couldn't accept it and ended it.

[clia]

I really don't think there is anything you can do at this point and you need to just let her go.  You are hesitant to marry her for some reason, which you haven't shared.  I mean, you've been with her four and a half years, lived together, and yet you apparently have never talked to her about marriage and were "blindsided" by this conversation?  And couldn't even agree to a very reasonable timeframe of engagement within the next two years?  Why are you so hesitant?  Why wasn't an engagement within the next two years reasonable to you?

And now that she's gone, suddenly, maybe, you are willing to work on her timeline.  But are you really?  I wouldn't trust you one iota if you came back right now -- not to get engaged, not to get married, none of it.  Your past actions have shown that you are all talk (you want to marry her, want to spend the rest of your life with her) and no action (oh, but not for 2, 3, 4 years....).    

Edited July 7, 2021 by clia

[GeorgiaPeach1]

So many women have accepted FWB, endless shacking up and even having children out of wedlock, that a lot of men these days feel it is totally acceptable to get their needs met without having to formally commit. 

Good for her for not wanting to be one of those women, and standing up for herself. 

Please leave her alone. You can't have your cake and eat it too with her.

Edited July 7, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[ShyViolet]

Honestly, don't waste any more of this woman's time.

[assertives]

44 minutes ago, DarkestbeforeDawn00 said:

I told her I wanted to get engaged to her within 2 or 3 years (4 a long shot)

You've repeated this several times. Frankly, this sounded more like your timeline is pushing 4 years rather than 2 or 3 years. If you really are at 2 or 3 years, then frankly, it isn't that far off from her timeline in which case, you wouldn't have had that much trouble or felt that blindsided to the point you actually let the relationship end and moved out.

To you, you may see it as only waiting a couple more years, but to her, she was probably waiting way earlier than that. For women who date with the intention to marry and start a family, unless one started dating the same person since highschool, 4.5 years is a damn long time to have nothing happen, and not even a discussion of getting married. Coupled with your reaction to her 2 years or let's call it ultimatum, it tells her exactly where you are at in terms of a future with her. You guys are ultimately at different life stages.

I too think you should let her go. There was clearly something in you that held you back. You should explore why or what that is. Don't contact her and make promises out of fear. The more talks and discussions to work on this timeline frankly sounded like more insincere and empty promises. 

Don't waste anymore of her time. There are only that many childbearing years in a woman's life.

[poppyfields]

@DarkestbeforeDawn00would you kindly answer the questions I posed in my last post?  Asking what you envision about marriage that scares you so much and if you know where your fear of commitment stems from?  Which quite clearly, after 4.5 years, and not being able to give her a definitive answer within the next two years, is what this is about.

I don't understand why you are evading these questions, that many of us have asked, but if your evasiveness here is any indication of how you interact with your now-ex, I totally understand her frustration.

Edited July 7, 2021 by poppyfields

[flitzanu]

if you want to marry her, why didn't you just say "you know what you're right" and go buy an engagement ring instead of dancing around semantics?

[ExpatInItaly]

27 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why are YOU afraid to get married now?

That is what I am wondering. 

OP, in concrete terms, what is holding you back from taking the next step with her? You say you want to develop your life together first, so what does that mean, exactly? You have already dated for 4 years. You have already lived together. What do you feel is missing from this equation that the next 2-3 years will offer the time to resolve? 

I mean that sincerely. You haven't really identified what is causing your hesitation. Deep down, do you even want to get married? Not everyone does. Some people are happy with a lifelong partnership without feeling the need for an official marriage. And other folks like the idea of marriage on the surface, but are actually uncomfortable with the idea of a commitment forever. And, of course, still other people love their partners a lot but for some reason don't quite see them as the person to settle down with for the rest of their lives. In your heart of hearts, do you fall into any of the descriptions? 

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

If after 6 years you don't know if you will be ready to get engaged (and not even married yet), well, this isn't the woman for you. 

This is what stuck with me: that he was not even talking about getting married in 3 or 4 years max. He was talking about getting engaged. And that could very well mean two (or more) years together as an engaged couple and then (hopefully) marriage...

OP, that timeline is as vague as can be. 

I'm also curious about your statement that you were blindsided by the ultimatum. Is it possible that she's been trying to have this conversation with you for the longest and you've been dismissing it, oblivious to how important it is to her? You've mentioned a few times that you thought you were both happy, you were both building a future together, etc. But it's worth considering whether you were simply paying attention to your own feelings and assuming she shared them.

Just a few things to think about. 

Edited July 7, 2021 by Acacia98

[Mrin]

Just my two cents: you should leave her alone and see if she reaches back out. Anything you say or do is suspect.  

[kgcolonel]

Darkest...you continuously state that you want to rebuild the relationship....that's what you want, it is not what she wants.  She wants a commitment, action, not words.  You are not hearing her.  You (and I don't mean this to be mean) are not ready to make that commitment and you know it.  You need to let her go.  What happens if 2-4 years from now, you still aren't ready?  She's delayed her goals and dreams on your promises that even you can't commit will come true.

The words you use are clear, you WANT to rebuild the relationship.  Listen to her words, she WANTS to get married on a timeline.  You can't commit to this.  I do commend you however that you're honest with her, in spite of likely losing her in that you're not willing to promise her something that even you can't convince yourself you're ready to do.  

Let her go and pursue your goals with someone who has similar timelines and goals.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

Why are YOU afraid to get married now?

I'm not now.  I do want to marry her and I guess I made the mistake of being too comfortable in the position we were in.  I do want to reconcile our relationship and commit to her and give her the timeline she is looking for because I don't want to lose her, she is the love of my life.  I just had cloudy judgement of a timeline I guess? Did I need a wake up call? 

I'm thinking now that it's too late to contact her and tell her I do want to marry and get for us to get engaged within the timeline she is looking for.  It's probably too late for that and I messed this situation up. 

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

@DarkestbeforeDawn00would you kindly answer the questions I posed in my last post?  Asking what you envision about marriage that scares you so much and if you know where your fear of commitment stems from?  Which quite clearly, after 4.5 years, and not being able to give her a definitive answer within the next two years, is what this is about.

I don't understand why you are evading these questions, that many of us have asked, but if your evasiveness here is any indication of how you interact with your now-ex, I totally understand her frustration.

I'm sorry, I'm not meaning to evade any questions.  It's not that marriage scares me, I just think I wasn't really understanding of how serious this situation is.  I may of needed a wake up call.  I was comfortable with her and felt like we had a future together, and my very laid back personality was a factor in this.  I obviously don't want to lose her, and would love to reconcile the relationship and give her the ring within the time frame she is looking for, but I feel like it's too late to do that with the stage and situation we are in now.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 hours ago, kgcolonel said:

Darkest...you continuously state that you want to rebuild the relationship....that's what you want, it is not what she wants.  She wants a commitment, action, not words.  You are not hearing her.  You (and I don't mean this to be mean) are not ready to make that commitment and you know it.  You need to let her go.  What happens if 2-4 years from now, you still aren't ready?  She's delayed her goals and dreams on your promises that even you can't commit will come true.

The words you use are clear, you WANT to rebuild the relationship.  Listen to her words, she WANTS to get married on a timeline.  You can't commit to this.  I do commend you however that you're honest with her, in spite of likely losing her in that you're not willing to promise her something that even you can't convince yourself you're ready to do.  

Let her go and pursue your goals with someone who has similar timelines and goals.  

To add to that, I do want to reconcile the relationship as well as provide her the timeline she is looking for.  I do not want to lose her.  But I feel it's too late for me given what has occurred and where we are in the situation now.  I never said to her I didn't want to marry her.  My timeline was off and foolish, I understand that now.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Yes you were.  Had you even said something like "that's a good possibility but don't ruin the surprise" this would not have blown up in your face.  Perhaps she did it in a ham handed way but she wanted to know that you two were on the same page & marriage would happen sooner rather than later.  Unfortunately when you felt cornered your response gave her the impression that you didn't want to marry her & that after all this time -- 4.5 years -- you were still unsure.  You made her feel like the last 2 years living together you were just playing house.  So she ended it

Yup, sounds accurate.  If I could go back in time and change it I would.  The timeline I gave was foolish, and I never meant it in a bad way, because I do want to marry her, I've always told her that.  I guess I needed a wake up call.  

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

12 minutes ago, S2B said:

I would venture to say that unless you can buy an engagement ring now - and plan a wedding for a year from now (to prove to her with solid evidence you intend to marry her) she is gone.

and unless you intend to offer her that - do not contact her under any circumstances. It’s disrespectful if you do.

and being vaguely interested in marrying her  2-3 years from now… nah, that’s just not a firm enough plan for any gal to wrap her head around. 
 

do you earn enough to support yourself now?

I mean trust me, I would go buy the ring right now, however, I feel like that ship has sailed and that the only route I would have is to let her know that I apologize how this all turned out and that I understand know how this would be a slap in the face, in a way, to her and to let her know my feelings and express my love for her and everything and ask for a second chance and that I'm 100% committed to an engagement  within 2 years.  IDK any other way of going about this, she may also turn me down which I 100% wouldn't blame her for.  The only way I can communicate with her is via text because she has said she isn't ready to talk right now.  Yeah, I'm grateful for a good job that I have.

Edited July 8, 2021 by DarkestbeforeDawn00

[basil67]

I think it's still salvageable with an apology, coupled with a change of stance.

But I would only do so if you're prepared to propose now and set date for marriage.  The marriage may not be for another two years or so, but if you're not ready to do this, then I can't see why anything would change in two years.  And she likely won't believe it either.

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I think it's still salvageable with an apology, coupled with a change of stance.

But I would only do so if you're prepared to propose now and set date for marriage.  The marriage may not be for another two years or so, but if you're not ready to do this, then I can't see why anything would change in two years.  And she likely won't believe it either.

Basil, your post gives me some hope haha.  I would only be able to do this via text.  Is that ok? I would love to do it in person but she isn't ready to talk/see me at the moment.  I would definitely apologize and have the change of stance.  As I've mentioned, I do not want to lose her and would be ready to propose/mention that i'm 100% committed to her timeline (that's if I haven't already lost her).  I guess all I could really do at this point is try and see if she's accepting?

[basil67]

I'd text her to say that you've given yourself a kick up the rear end, you realise you were being dumb and wish to see her to try and make things right.  Save a proposal for when you're face to face. 

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'd text her to say that you've given yourself a kick up the rear end, you realise you were being dumb and wish to see her to try and make things right.  Save a proposal for when you're face to face. 

Even though she has mentioned a couple times she isn't ready to talk right now?  I don't want to overly push the boundaries and do respect the space she is looking for.  But I guess this would give me my answer either way.  Just feel like at this moment, she isn't willing to meet up with me

[DarkestbeforeDawn00]

2 minutes ago, S2B said:

Why won’t you consider marrying her in a year? You know that’s what she wants/that’s what she was asking for when she gave the ultimatum.

if you stand firm on another two year wait for her - she’s likely going to say “no thanks”.

what would two years bring you that one year won’t settle out?

Well I would definitely consider it, that's something I would have to talk to her about, but as of this moment, I think what I can only do is message her and provide an apology and let her know I'm willing to commit to her timeline/her ultimatum which was get engaged in 2 years or less (however if she even wants to anymore who knows).