Wife's affairs

[Aj Anon]

TLDR: in one day you get told you're being investigated for possible cancer and your wife is f***ing another guy; how's your day going?

-----------

A couple of months ago, actually shortly before our wedding anniversary,  my wife decided to tell me she was walking out; she 'wasn't sure how she felt anymore'. No preamble, no discussion. 

This was shortly after my father passed away. I was, and still am, struggling deeply with that loss as it is.

I obviously was blown away. I asked what was wrong, what had changed. I was told 'she didn't know'. I found out later that was a lie.

Anyway I told her I wanted her to be happy but that we had a lifetime behind us (20yrs together & 15 married) that had to be worth fighting for,  and two beautiful kids who would be devastated too. She seemed to reconsider and said she wanted to 'try'. I looked into couples therapy and printed out things to help; she said she'd read it and we'd talk. Weeks passed, then months, and I waited. I asked if she wanted to talk, to go out, to do anything, but there's was always an excuse for no, for not trying ...for just getting on with her life and me coasting with my non-existence whilst I waited.

Then obviously I got ill.

Pretty ill.

Not being able to eat ill. Not being able to retain what I did eat ill. Losing 20lbs in 3-4 weeks without trying ill.

Being told that cancer is a possible (but not the only one, there's still less sinister ones) option ill, and lots of medical stuff happening. 

So I pushed the issue and told my partner of 20 years and wife of 15 years we HAD to talk, and that I KNEW there was a problem.

Because I am not stupid.

I told her not to lie to me. To do me the courtesy of not treating me like I'm stupid.

She did both.

She told me she hadn't been cheating on me.

She instead said she'd only been doing some 'harmless sexting' with someone, a friend, because she was bored.

She said this to my face.

She lied to my face.

For a couple of hours I sat with this lie then couldn't anymore and told her, point blank, that I knew she was lying.

So she admitted that for the last few months - from before she told me there were any problems - she's been cheating on me with someone else.

This started not long after my dad died.

It continued before my son's birthday.

Before our wedding anniversary. 

While I was ill.

Then I found out it actually started nearly 20 years ago, before we even got married; with the same guy.

She met this guy at work when we first moved house, when we were only engaged and shehad a 'fling' with him, married me, then picked up again 5 months ago.

For a bit of 'fun'.

While telling me we were working on things.

...then, just today, I found out she's ALSO been sexting for a whole with a longterm friend of mine, again very explicit stuff, and it turns out she had a short-term physical affair/fling with him about 15 years ago.  So all this time I've been friends with him without knowing too.

So, yeah, that's my life ...or what's left of it... right now.

She says she doesn't know why she did the first two, years ago, just it was fun, and the recent thing because she felt our related got complacent and lost its way so wanted that fun back again.

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore...

I'm completely lost.

[Sun Seeker]

Sad story, sorry to hear about your situation.

First thing you need to do is start looking into a divorce. No trying to fix things. Then you need to end your friendship with this long term friend. Move out, and with both of them out of your life, start focusing on your health.

It is a terrible situation, but hopefully your health improves, and you can one day be able to move on and find someone else with actual morals.

[S2B]

She isn’t wife material… never was.

dump the baggage(her) and divorce her.

she was never acting like a decent wife - expecting her to act decently now is absurd.

file for divorce. You’ll be happier for it. You’ll probably gain your health back too.

betrayal - and going along with it tends to make people physically sick.

Edited July 8, 2021 by S2B

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Leave her. After suffering the end of it all, you'll have more energy to focus on your health. I'm willing to bet leaving her will have a profoundly positive effect on your health after some time. Above all else, take care of you. 

[Wiseman2]

Focus on your physical and mental health first.

She's completely checked out and has been for a long time.

It's not even about sexting/ cheating anymore. That's almost a byproduct.

You need to take care of yourself. Get better doctors and individual therapy.

At some level you know it's been deteriorating for a while. You also know you've been depressed and wrapped up in yourself.

Are you like roommates? How long have you been in a rut?

You need to get out of victim mode. Take action. Get help. Consult an attorney for advice about your inevitable divorce.

[Caauug]

10 hours ago, Aj Anon said:

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore...

I'm completely lost.

Yes, it feels like that, but it shouldn't. You trusted her and put her first. You assumed she loved you like you loved her. It's not that way, her needs are different than yours, that makes her love different than yours. You getting sick showed you were weak, she lost more attraction for you and started the affair up again. You lost direction and she was loosing attraction. She had her flings, and learned she could lie her way past them with out suffering any consequences, she tried that again until you insisted on knowing the truth. 

Find yourself, you have to look after the most important person to you, that is YOU!!! Look after your health, mentally and physically. Start working out, eating healthy, and if you need to, seek IC for mental health. Protect yourself financially, mentally and physically, don't leave yourself open for abuse. Keep your emotions on a very low level with your wife, her concerns are not you, she doesn't need to know what you are feeling or what you are thinking. Her concerns are only what is going to happen to her, more she knows the harder it will be on you. Get tested for STI/STD's.

You can not turn back time, what is done is done. Everything you valued she does not. While you were at your lowest, and needed her the most, (death of your father and being sick) she was betraying you with another man. "Actions speak louder than words." her actions, the cheating EA & PA, the lying, etc. tells you what she really like and tells you how she really feels/cares for you!!!

Your two beautiful kids: Did you sire them? Or are you working your guts out for the family of some other man that your wife would rather have "a little fun" with??? Get a DNA test on the kids and compare to your own, let the real father pay to raise them if you are not.

Recap:

Look after yourself, get in good physical and mental health, you matter the most!!

Protect yourself, physically, mentally and financially. 

Stop having sex with her, get yourself tested STI/STD. Get the DNA test for your kids and compare to your own. Fight for what is yours, visitation etc... Fight against what is not yours, why spend heaps $ on someone else's kid(s)??? Let the real father pay for them!!!

She doesn't value what you value. She doesn't love you the way you love her. Human nature has made men and women different, educate yourself on human nature. The Disney Dream really leads to a nightmare like the one you are in. Do not repeat mistakes.

**** MOST IMPORTANT**** KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!!! Don't tell her anything!!!! If she asks a question that you think she could use against you later (that could be anything), answer with another question. Keep the conversations in your frame!!! As a male in a failing marriage, with kids, in a westernized country, you will be divorced raped for everything you have or have worked for!!! 

Good Luck.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anon, you have been given excellent advice by everyone who has responded on your thread, particularly Cauug. As such there is little in terms of advice that I can share with you. On the other hand I would like to pose a question to you and that is that you were in a relationship with your wife for five years before you married her. In all that while were you not able to assess what kind of a person she was? There is something called gut feel which is often touted on this forum and, quite frankly, it is a fairly reliable indicator of things which happen in a subterranean domain involving one's significant other. Surely you must have received such warning signs quite early on. What I'm trying to say is whether you ignored such signs and any bred Flags waving in the wind because you were wrapped up in your wife's web of false love and lies? 

Anyway, the reason that I brought this up is for you to reflect and identify such early signs because these will tell you that your wife is a shameless shamster and does not deserve an iota of your time, consideration, empathy and any feelings that you may still harbour for her. If there was ever a time for you to be a man and be strong for your children and yourself, that time is now. You have to be cold hearted toward your wife even though every fiber in your body rebels and wants to reach out to her. Just realize that your wife has forced you to live a lie for the past twenty years and those years are gone with nothing left to show for them. Your children are the only assets that your wife has left you with and they, too, may not truly be yours. So I would say to you, listen to what everyone is telling you and take action accordingly. Do not look back and do not waver in your resolve. Make an iron clad plan and stick to it. Once you have rid yourself of this cancer( your wife), you will feel that a burden has been lifted off your back. You will breathe more freely. So go ahead and seek a new, fresh life for yourself. Warm wishes.

[HappilyMarried]

So sorry @Aj Anonlike others have said I know you are crushed with what your wife has done to you, your marriage, and your family. However,  you need to take care of your physical health and well being first then your mental as you work to decide about your marriage. I personally think your marriage is over I know that may be tough to hear, but I think once you realize that you will take the first major step in working on your mental health. Best of luck! I hope your news on the medical side is good.

[pepperbird2]

Op,

I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Do you have a "real life" support system you can call on? It sounds like you can use one.

A few points:

First off, I would put a call in to your doctor. Get yourself tested for STDs and let your doctor know what's going on. This is important because your mental/emotional state can affect your physical health. you have done nothing wrong and have no reaosn to feel embarrassed. She's the one with the crappy moral compass, not you. Everyone's marriage goes through tough times, we all go through periods of boredom, ambivalence and lethargy. The one thing is we don't all cheat.

Second, see a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row so that you can make informed decisions, based on sound knowledge.

Third, do what some call "the one 180". Treat your wife like a room mate. Be polite and cordial( especially in front of your kids), but don't go out of your way to be friendly. Remember- while she may not be your enemy, your wife is not your friend. Be cautious and look out for yourself. This isn't to punish her or manipulate her- it's to give your some space and time to think and get your head around your new normal.

This next piece of advice is pretty touchy. Depending on the age of your kids and if you feel they will figure any of this out on their own, you may want to consider what to tell them. The one thing you don't want to do is run your wife down to them , and if you have a planned response should your kids ask, you will be able to answer them calmly.

Like I said at the start, create  a support system for yourself. Even if there's just one person you feel you can trust with all of this, please open up to them. They know you, know your wife and fmaily and can give you informed advice or just someone to vent to.

 

[Warpspeed170]

2 things. The first is obvious, get yourself healthy. Nothing pisses a cheater off more than their gravely ill significant other that pulls a rabbit out of the hat and gets healthy again. The second is more practical, and infinitely more satisfying. Expose your cheating wife to everyone, and include that she did this to you while you were fighting CANCER. You will not believe the upheaval that you will create in her world.  [ ]

Edited August 9, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
doesn't address first post

[Harry Korsnes]

Sorry your here! 

Have her served, she needs to know your not plan b when the other guys turn her down. And do the 180 and get your ducks in a row .she needs to feel how it feels to be left outside alone? 

Best of luck. 

[Buckeye2]

Quote

She says she doesn't know why she did the first two, years ago, just it was fun, and the recent thing because she felt our related got complacent and lost its way so wanted that fun back again.

It seems that sex is not a big deal to your wife.  It’s like shaking hands.  I don’t think she means any disrespect.  The problem is that it’s very important to you and therefore disrespectful for her to give it away to other men.

Edited July 21, 2021 by Buckeye2

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear of your situation Aj anon.  I really hope your medical situation improves.

Sadly, people do not have affairs or lose interest in their partners at the 'right' times.  There are always wrong times in life.  I don't think it will help you to look at it from the point of view of what happened and when.  What matters is that you are feeling shocked and hurt by your wife's revelations and your health worries.

In all honesty, your wife said she was going (it wasn't clear whether she had actually left or not) and people don't usually change their minds.  She probably grew apart from you a long time ago but just failed to mention it.  Of course, cheating is a horrible thing to face and maybe that is more of a problem than her loss of interest.  It's not unusual for people to marry, have children, the children grow up and then the parents go separate ways.  It's a tall order for people to stay together in a marriage when both have been through so much.  Going through so much together brings some couples together and confirms their love; with others, it seems to do the opposite.

I think you need the support of family and friends at the moment.  I can't see any point in waiting to discuss this with your wife as she seems unconcerned.  It does sound like she has checked out of the relationship.  This is the time for you to seek support elsewhere and to come to terms with her leaving.  I realise that is a tall order.  It is a huge thing when one's life partner and the source of much emotional and physical security decides to opt out.  You are bound to be hurting.

You need to put your health first and get the support of your family and friends.  Hoping for anything from your wife would be a waste of time.  As long as you wait and hope for her, you will be in emotional agony because she's not going to give you the reassurance you need.  You need to seek this elsewhere now.

I am wishing you well.  I am sure many on here will be glad to offer continued support on the forum as you cope with all this.

Edited July 22, 2021 by spiderowl