I am infertile. My boyfriend is unsure whether he would be fine with adoption or surrogacy and I'm not sure how long I want to be or be at all on this mental rollercoaster.

[kira2492]

As the title says, I am infertile. I didn't keep that secret from my boyfriend. Told him from the start. There is a 0% chance for me to get pregnant, please don't doubt what I am saying here. There just isn't. 

He told me from the start that he would be fine with adoption, that he thought about it and even though he always wanted "his own" children he would be fine with it. I thought thatt it's good that we are on the same page about this topic even though I didn't really expect such a postive comment from the start or even any comment at all. I know this is usually kept for later in a relationship but I thought he should know and I didn't want to keep that from him. 

 

A few weeks after that I was feeling a bit down about things and I asked him if he would still be fine with adoption and he told me that he isn't sure but that right now he would rather have "his own" children and not adopt but that he could imagine it. And still a while later he told me that he wants to have a wife and experience the pregnancy together, no adoption, no surrogacy. He just can't imagine it. I kinda felt lied to. It kinda turned into a fight and he told me that he's going to think about it more seriously, cause he really didn't think about it seriously so far and that he would give me an answer by the end of July. 

 

I also raised my concerns to him, should it get really serious between us, moving in together and all that stuff and all of a sudden he would break up with me cause of that that it would really hurt me. He basically told me "well, if that happens, there would be nothing you could do about it." He is certainly right abouut that, which is why I am considering, should he still be as indecisive by the end of August, that I'm gonna break up with him. I don't feel it is ok for him to play with my emotions like that. 

 

I do have some doubts about breaking up with him so early. We are still pretty much in the homeymoon phase and I'm wondering if I should give it more time or not. 

I absolutely can understand that he would rather have his own biological children, but the way he is treating me about it feels very wrong and not like something I need to endure for long. 

 

I also asked him a while ago why he said that to me in the beginning, that he would be fine with adopting when he isn't, and he said that he just wanted to make me feel good about it. He also always tells me that I shouldn't see myself as less of a woman and that he loves me the way I am. I seriously doubt both statements though, otherwise this wouldn't be such a huge issue for him. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by kira2492

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, kira2492 said:

I asked him if he would still be fine with adoption and he told me that he isn't sure but that right now he would rather have "his own" children

Sorry this is happening. It's great you discussed this early on.

It's better to cut your losses early on rather than move in, get too serious, etc.

There are plenty of men who don't want kids, already have enough or would be willing to adopt.

[stillafool]

First how old are you and your bf?  Perhaps he's never had to deal with a decision like this until he met you.  When you asked him he said he'd be fine with adoption but probably afterward he thought about it, may have talked to friends and family about it and then decided he spoke too fast.  Honestly I don't see him changing back to just adoption and it's good that this is being discussed before you move in together.  Having kids is a major decision and one you don't want to get wrong.  I would break up if I were you and find a man that for sure does not want kids or is definitely willing to adopt.

Edited July 8, 2021 by stillafool

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, kira2492 said:

A few weeks after that I was feeling a bit down about things and I asked him if he would still be fine with adoption and he told me that he isn't sure but that right now he would rather have "his own" children and not adopt but that he could imagine it. And still a while later he told me that he wants to have a wife and experience the pregnancy together, no adoption, no surrogacy. He just can't imagine it. I kinda felt lied to. It kinda turned into a fight and he told me that he's going to think about it more seriously, cause he really didn't think about it seriously so far and that he would give me an answer by the end of July. 

 

I also raised my concerns to him, should it get really serious between us, moving in together and all that stuff and all of a sudden he would break up with me cause of that that it would really hurt me. He basically told me "well, if that happens, there would be nothing you could do about it." He is certainly right abouut that, which is why I am considering, should he still be as indecisive by the end of August, that I'm gonna break up with him. I don't feel it is ok for him to play with my emotions like that. 

(...)

I absolutely can understand that he would rather have his own biological children, but the way he is treating me about it feels very wrong and not like something I need to endure for long. 

 

I also asked him a while ago why he said that to me in the beginning, that he would be fine with adopting when he isn't, and he said that he just wanted to make me feel good about it. He also always tells me that I shouldn't see myself as less of a woman and that he loves me the way I am. I seriously doubt both statements though, otherwise this wouldn't be such a huge issue for him. 

 

I don't know what to do. 

Do yourself a favor and break up with him now. There's every indication to me that this guy is going to be an absolute jerk to you about your infertility. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, but there's something off about his words.

[ShyViolet]

How long have you been dating?

[kira2492]

19 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How long have you been dating?

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

First how old are you and your bf?  Perhaps he's never had to deal with a decision like this until he met you.  When you asked him he said he'd be fine with adoption but probably afterward he thought about it, may have talked to friends and family about it and then decided he spoke too fast.  Honestly I don't see him changing back to just adoption and it's good that this is being discussed before you move in together.  Having kids is a major decision and one you don't want to get wrong.  I would break up if I were you and find a man that for sure does not want kids or is definitely willing to adopt.

He is 25 and I am 28.

We've been dating for about 3 months now, maybe a little more.

Edited July 8, 2021 by kira2492

[Shining One]

There are plenty of men out there who never want to have children. I'd advise breaking up and finding one of them. As one of those men, I view infertility as a positive attribute.

[glows]

I would consider that he dropped a bomb on you and then tried to ice it with time in July to think things through and give you an answer. This is incredibly thoughtless and callous. The plus is that he's thinking critically - perhaps this is a rare occurrence for him so more time is needed. It's not his answer that matters. It's the way this came about and the large pause.

My thought would be to move on. Someone who gives you any reason to believe that you're just an option does not deserve to be your priority. 

[d0nnivain]

11 minutes ago, kira2492 said:

He is 25 and I am 28.

We've been dating for about 3 months now, maybe a little more.

I'm sorry for your fertility issues.  I truly am.  But I urge you to stop talking to men about them or you will sabotage every relationship you try to have.  

You have known this guy for 90 days.  Marriage & family are no where near being on his radar at 25.  He especially does NOT want to have any discussion about these subjects with some woman he just started dating. No man in your age bracket needs to know anything about your fertility status until you have been dating for at least a year. If the guy brings it up, then & only then can you talk about it before you start seriously talking about getting engaged.    Maybe when you pass mid 30s, you can bring it up at the 6 month mark but for now, hush.  You are scaring these guys away with subjects that are too deep, too soon. 

The right guy who is already in love will find a way to make it work.  A guy you just met will want to bolt because this is all too much. 

Remember through surrogacy, even if you can't conceive, it's still possible to use his sperm & a donor egg so any potential long term partner / co-parent / hopefully spouse of yours in the future can still have children that are biologically his.  

[understand50]

kira2492,

I admire you for being so upfront about this with your BF.  This shows real character.  I think that you should move on from him, unless he can really accept who you are and that adoption is the only way to go.  Yes, there is surrogacy, and he would be the father, so I do not understand his reluctance.  Seems immature from what you are describing.

IN any case, there are many men with children who wold be looking for a mate, if you would like to do the step mother role. You are young, and I am sure there are other MEN out there that will love and cherish you for you and everything you bring to the relationship.  I think going forward, you are going to have to make damn sure your BF is on board for the the long term, and not just going along in the first heat of a relationship. In other words, make sure his action match his talk, and take things slow.  Do not be afraid to break it off if need be.

I wish you luck.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think this relationship is going to work, OP. 

He's already having doubts and admitted he basically just told you what you wanted to hear (or so he thought), even if that's not a reflection of his true feelings. Saying he'll give you an answer by the end of July is silly. He's not going to be able to make a huge and life-changing decision in the next 21 days. That's really just putting off the inevitable. 

[Blind-Sided]

On 7/8/2021 at 4:30 PM, kira2492 said:

He is 25 and I am 28.

We've been dating for about 3 months now, maybe a little more.

3 months...... Just move on.  PERIOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!    This will always be an issue since he can't decide what he wants.

A female friend of mine kind of went through this.  She was single for a while, and started to use OLD. She doesn't want kids... ever.  So there were several guys she would date, and after a couple months... they would start to question her on that.  She broke up with a few guys, and would cry to me about it.... but then, she would get mad.  She made it clear on her stance... but the guys didn't believe her I guess.  So... on the guy she is currently dating... she point blank, on the first date said... "I don't want kids ever.  It's not up for debate, so don't ask me later if I want them."  I guess he didn't want kids either, and they have been together for almost a year.

Unfortunately... you need to make sure the guy is ok with not having kids.  I know there are a lot of guys who are OK with it.  But the other side is... not everyone wants to adopt. 

Sorry you are in this position.

[d0nnivain]

21 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

3 months...... Just move on.  PERIOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!    This will always be an issue since he can't decide what he wants.

C'mon @Blind-Sided.  Are you really saying that some 25 year old barely-more-than-a kid-himself guy has to have his whole future mapped out & know what he wants within 90 days of meeting this woman who is prematurely dumping all this heavy stuff on him?  Not hardly.  

At 25 if a guy so much as mentioned children to me, I bolted.  It was all about having fun, especially in the beginning.  

[Fletch Lives]

If the guy said in the beginning he's good with adoption and then went back on his word, he's a fraud.

There is nothing wrong with adoption.....who is to say - perhaps the adoptive child is your intended real child, and part of God's plan.

[introverted1]

On 7/8/2021 at 4:30 PM, kira2492 said:

He is 25 and I am 28.

We've been dating for about 3 months now, maybe a little more.

Talk of marriage and babies/adoption at this point is way too much, too soon.  He is 25 and you've only been dating for 3 months!  In many respects, considering development of the pre-frontal cortex, this is his first adult relationship.  And here you are, not yet 3 months in, wanting to know his stance on adoption!

If you are in a hurry to lock it down, you should be dating guys in their 30's, and even then, 3 months is verrrry early to be asking for such a huge commitment.

[Blind-Sided]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

C'mon @Blind-Sided.  Are you really saying that some 25 year old barely-more-than-a kid-himself guy has to have his whole future mapped out & know what he wants within 90 days of meeting this woman who is prematurely dumping all this heavy stuff on him?  Not hardly.  

At 25 if a guy so much as mentioned children to me, I bolted.  It was all about having fun, especially in the beginning.  

No.... not that at all.  But, at 25, he should know how he feels about kids in general.   And, if he stated one thing to get the relationship started... and is now changing his mind... then as @Fletch Livessaid... he's a fraud.   And that is the point I was making with my friend.  She would go out and the guy would say "Ok" to her position... and they would sleep together... and then the guy would change his mind.