New husband his flipped the script, now that the ink is dry

[Weezy1973]

On 7/8/2021 at 2:17 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How do I get over the embarrassment of having to face friends, neighbors and coworkers with a failed marriage??? Especially single folks who will then say "I told ya so!"?

You’re not a failure. Consider how good a learning experience this is / was. You’ve already seen the wisdom of getting to know someone over a longer period of time before committing. That’s a great lesson. But another good lesson is to act. The anxiety that comes before ending the marriage is equally matched by the relief after. And then the open life possibilities afterwards are priceless.

 

He won’t change. End it now. 

[Blind-Sided]

18 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Not a literal full-time job. 

Thanks for calling us crazy. That's so nice and helpful.

If he's making money with it at all... then you can't fault him for it.  But as previously said... it's wrong for him to make you wait when there was a planed meeting time.  With that said... since you focused on a single word in my last post.... I'm getting a feeling that maybe an exact time wasn't known... and you assumed he would meet you at a certain time.  So I need to ask... in your post about him going to the game store... did he actually know that he was supposed to meet you at a known time?  I dated a girl like that in my younger life. (for a short time) I would tell her... "I get done today at 3pm, and I will see you tonight".   She would then be mad at me for showing up at 5:30.  She ASSUMED that I would be over right after work.  But in reality, I never told her a time.  (And I needed to clean up, and do some things)   My exW was good at this too.  She assumed WAY too much, and those things turned real in her head... and then she got mad, but never voiced any of it to me until she was done and wanted a D.

That leads me to question #2.  Have you ACTUALLY talked to him about it?    This was the same issue with my exW.  She talked "For years" with a toxic friend about the problems... but never once talked to me.  This was also the helpful part of my previous post.  Communication is everything in a relationship. 

and to the final point... making a comment in a forum, with hindsight... yes I do feel it's crazy to get married too quickly. It takes a long time to REALY get to know someone. But regardless... there was some helpful info in my post... but you obviously just decided to look past it, because you dwelled on a single word.  Besides... I didn't call you or your SO "Crazy"... I called the act of getting married too soon crazy.  

I wish you peace in moving forward.

[vla1120]

I think you should give your marriage the benefit of confronting him honestly about all of these issues. It's not fair when someone changes after the marriage (it happened to me, too.) I'm hoping if you communicate openly with him about your expectations in the relationship, maybe he will be willing to meet you half way (if he wants the marriage to work.) Would he be willing to go to MC with you? If you've done everything possible to communicate your needs and he still turns a blind eye, then you have every right to pull up stakes and move on without him. 

[Seliana]

Hi Georgia, Any updates? You two talked yet?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

52 minutes ago, Seliana said:

Hi Georgia, Any updates? You two talked yet?

Yes, we've talked very recently. He's started to do more around the house, which normally happens once I've become stressed. Problem is, it doesn't last and he rarely does his share on his own, before the mess has reached a crisis point and I get upset.

And for the record Blind-Sided, when I say his gaming has become a full-time job after work for him, I mean that he puts in a lot of hours after work doing it. Kinda how it's said that, unfortunately, a woman's "second shift" of housework, childcare and cooking starts after she gets home from her paid job. Sorry I didn't clarify what I meant.

[Els]

Ugh, I've always strongly felt that people should consider living together for at least a year before getting engaged, and this is why. I really don't mean this in a mean or offensive manner, this isn't a "I told you so", it just pains me to see women trapped in a sham of a marriage like this. And yes, it's almost always women who are the ones who end up being a full-time housekeeper plus wage earner in situations like this.

OP, it sounds to me like there was a bait and switch. He knows his finances weren't in a good spot and purposefully chose to hide this from you, he knows you took care of your own place while his relatives paid (!?!?!?) for someone to clean his. He put up a facade of good behaviour for the few months that you were living together between the engagement and marriage, because he knew that you were going to be trapped in a position of being his housekeeper and financial aid.

Can you talk to a bona fide lawyer? Or at least a women's help hotline?

 

Edited July 13, 2021 by Elswyth

[Els]

I do want to mention that I think it's relatively common for otherwise-happy married couples to have minor disputes over housework or differing perceptions of "acceptability" when it comes to cleanliness - there are ways to reach a compromise with that, and many of us have done so successfully (including ourselves). But I just don't think that's what's going on here. Considering everything that's going on with this - the sudden switch, the deception, the complete lack of any kind of intimacy or care for the other person - it goes beyond mere housework IMO.

[Seliana]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Yes, we've talked very recently. He's started to do more around the house, which normally happens once I've become stressed. Problem is, it doesn't last and he rarely does his share on his own, before the mess has reached a crisis point and I get upset.

And for the record Blind-Sided, when I say his gaming has become a full-time job after work for him, I mean that he puts in a lot of hours after work doing it. Kinda how it's said that, unfortunately, a woman's "second shift" of housework, childcare and cooking starts after she gets home from her paid job. Sorry I didn't clarify what I meant.

That's good, talking. Maybe don't wait until it get to crisis mode. What kind of gaming is he doing? Is he raiding with a guild? I remember those days, it truly is like a job, but it sucks the life out of you.

There's nothing wrong if you decide to throw in the towel if he keeps backsliding, life is too short to live the sunken cost fallacy. 

[Blind-Sided]

2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

And for the record Blind-Sided, when I say his gaming has become a full-time job after work for him, I mean that he puts in a lot of hours after work doing it. Kinda how it's said that, unfortunately, a woman's "second shift" of housework, childcare and cooking starts after she gets home from her paid job. Sorry I didn't clarify what I meant.

OK... forgive me.  So it's just a hobby, and he will play games over doing house work.   I get it, and I have a lot of people around me who are the same.  Myself... I'm not that way, but if you walked into my house... you would think I am.  I truly have one of every major game system... and they are all hooked up.  Sitting here now... my TV stand has a PS5, PS3, and a Switch.  The "display" stand next to it has a Vectrx, GameBoy, Gameboy Color, Gameboy Advance, Switch Lite and a Sega Game gear. (along with displayed games)  In my bedroom.... well... there is everything. (xbox, xbox one, xbox 360, Turbografx, Sega Genesis, Sega CD, 32x, Saturn, Dreamcast, NES, SNES, N64, Gamecube, Wii U, VirtualBoy, PS4, PS2, PS1... and all my handhelds) LOL.   But for me... it's about collecting more than playing. It's been several days since I actually played a game... and that was with my oldest daughter.  Needless to say... as a single dad... if I don't do the house work... it simply doesn't get done.  (funny... when the ex left... my hobbies wasn't brought up, and wasn't part of the issues) 

I really hope you can impress on your H the importance of picking up the slack, and how serious you are with possibly ending things.  

[Els]

12 hours ago, Seliana said:

What kind of gaming is he doing? Is he raiding with a guild? I remember those days, it truly is like a job, but it sucks the life out of you.

Hey, if you mean WoW raiding, I've been raiding on and off for the last decade or so, too! 😄IMO it's totally possible to raid as a hobby while maintaining a good marriage/relationship and pulling one's weight in the house, the person just has to be smart about it and to remember that it's just a game and real life comes first. Picking the right guild, one that understands these priorities, also makes a big difference.

I mostly do it casually nowadays, but back in WotLK, I was doing pretty cutting edge content (Ulduar HM) with my guild. We had 2 nights a week where we would raid for 3 hours each time. There was a minimal amount of prep that we were expected to do, about 3 hrs in total for the rest of the week, but that was it - so 9 hrs a week all in all, not too different from any other hobby. Most people in the guild had happy LTRs and marriages, they understood if sometimes someone had to put the game in the back seat, and they also actively encouraged people to get away from the game on non-raid nights, spend time with their spouse, etc. We actually had one day a week where it was expected that everyone should be offline, taking their spouse out!

Unfortunately the OP's husband seems to not be able to grasp this - if he even cares at all.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Elswyth

[Donnas]

Have you take time to know him, and meet his people , let your people meet him and advice you before marrying him? It looks like you ddnt do any homework before marrying him. Some of this stuff you could have know. Like how bad the finance is and that he hangs on his mom alot for advice.

Because im sure the signs were there. His people sure know his mentality you could have know if you met them hang around them,ask questions.

You should sit and talk with him . And tell him how you would like things.

And if therapy is needed if he wanna go?.

Once you married u gotta sit and talk how u both wants the home and marriage to be, and keep good communication because life change also during marriage. 

I dont know how you act with him also,because there is always two sides.

But if he doing this shopping and restaurant thing always or alot, it seems like emotional/ mental abuse.

A way to hurt you emotionally and mentally.

You need to be careful, to not letting that go on for ever. Confront him soon.Ask him why he do this stuff. And its hurts you,you want him to stop, and respect you.

And make sure you keep your job, and freinds,and do nice stuff with and for yourself . 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I really hope you can impress on your H the importance of picking up the slack, and how serious you are with possibly ending things.  

Agree. Actions speak louder than words.

Just stop doing all the housework and chores shopping cooking etc. Ask him to sleep on the couch until he gets off his butt.

This accomplishes a few things. 

1. You stop talking to the back of a head with it's face lost in video games.

2. It frees up your time to do what you want. Go to the spa or gym or hang out with friends after work. Do what you want. Don't come home to an unpaid second job.

3. If he wants to eat or wear clean clothes, he'll have to get take out pay for laundry service,etc. Or turn off the games for a while and do something.

4. The quality of your life will improve dramatically. You won't feel like the unpaid help.

5. The more you act like a servant the more someone like this will treat you that way.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[hajk]

@GeorgiaPeach1 is this the same man?

 

[Lotsgoingon]

So this guy has a serious case of ADHD? 

 

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/15/2021 at 5:51 PM, hajk said:

@GeorgiaPeach1 is this the same man?

 

Yes, it is the same man. Since our last talk, he seems to be finally taking me seriously and doing more to help.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/16/2021 at 8:55 AM, Lotsgoingon said:

So this guy has a serious case of ADHD? 

 

 

Yes, he has it. Part of me believes it's the cause of most of the issue, but a part of me thinks it's an easy excuse. I have made a commitment to educate myself more on this illness. Turns out, there is a forum for spouses of such partners.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

One thing to note is that at the time of that post , he had recently lost two people back to back, so I assumed that his messiness was due to grief and depression. He did get a lot better for a while, and I thought it would last.

Plus, I bought into the myth that a good woman can change a man. Nope.

Edited July 20, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[Lotsgoingon]

And a good woman cannot "cure" ADHD. 

ADHD runs in my family, and it is extremely frustrating condition. The person with the ADHD has to work their behind off and work their behind off in clever ways and needs to get to therapy and medication treatment and practice a rigorous form of self-awareness and trial and error.

Is your husband on medications, usually stimulants? Has he gone through thorough process of trial and error with medications and doses? Is he being treated for depression. People with ADHD have high rates of depression, depression that isn't necessarily caused by the ADHD. Depression and anxiety are "comorbid" conditions, meaning they run alongside ADHD. The bad fantasy ADHD people have is that treating the ADHD will resolve the depression. That's not true. You have to treat them both--aggressively.

Does your guy go to any support groups for ADHD? Does he read a lot on ADHD? Is he a member of online ADHD communities? Has he done and is he doing cognitive behavior therapy. ADHD really benefit from CBT because they have a history of failure and they have to be able to look past previous failure to try out new ways of living. You have to overcome hopelessness and failure to get ahold of ADHD.

And of course ADHD stunts maturity, leads to terrible decisions, unnecessary conflicts with people. High rates of addiction and accidents and falls and just plain old dumb thinking and disorganization.

The slightest bit of passivity or unawareness--or lack of a brutal awareness of how ADHD affects them--will really make their life hard and frustrating and absolutely maddeningly unhappy for spouses.

You're fortunate that you are only recently married. The amount of anger experienced by spouses of people with ADHD is astronomical. One problem is that maintaining a job (that requires tedious work) really wears down the person with ADHD. So even if they can keep the job, they come home absolutely empty and spent. Doing housework and being present for kids--OMG forgetaboutit. 

It's easy to underestimate the horror of ADHD. I saw how in my family lots of us ignored it until we got to crisis. The "hyperactive" part of ADHD is what most people think about. Equally devastating is the weak-attention/weak working memory part of ADHD. 

There are ways of limiting the impact of the condition, but the ADHD person has to be fanatically on it. Why do I know your husband is not fanatically working on his ADHD? 

 

[usa1ah]

On 7/8/2021 at 2:28 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I found out his relatives were paying a housekeeper to come in periodically. He was also cleaning before I came over, and he helped out when we were engaged but not yet married. We are both well into adulthood.

Hire a house keeper then. Have a service come in once a week and give him the bill for it. 

[usa1ah]

43 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

One thing to note is that at the time of that post , he had recently lost two people back to back, so I assumed that his messiness was due to grief and depression. He did get a lot better for a while, and I thought it would last.

Plus, I bought into the myth that a good woman can change a man. Nope.

Only if the man cares what the good woman thinks. 

[FMW]

ADHD is definitely challenging, for both the person with it as well as their partner.  I'm involved with someone who suffers with it.  I say suffer because it's frustrating for him and a constant challenge for him to focus, things take longer for him to get done because of that.

He's a musician who is brilliant and on top of things on stage, but getting ready for gigs and remembering all the guitars, amps, cords, etc. needed is a challenge and regular source of frustration for him.

When we're one on one he's very attentive and tuned in, but when he's working on projects I have to be patient about him turning that attention back to me.  I'm usually ok with that, but most people probably wouldn't  be.  Plus, not living together makes it easier for me to handle, I'm  busy doing my own thing and don't  have to deal with his often messy house.

Gaming is probably especially appealing to your guy because it's something he can immerse himself in and just enjoy without having to think of anything else.  My guy is like that when he's performing on stage.

There are a lot of books available about relationships with ADHD partners.  It doesn't present itself exactly the same in everyone, so you might relate more to some things than others.  

I'd definitely seek out resources, including support groups, to help you try to save your marriage.  He definitely has to want to work on things and put in the extra effort it will require from him.  But sharing with others in similar circumstances can maybe help you communicate with him in a way he's more likely to understand.  It might also help you to see things in a different way as well.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/20/2021 at 12:47 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

Is your husband on medications, usually stimulants?

He goes on and off them. I sat down quietly the other night with my thoughts and, now that I've thought about it, he is much more helpful when he's on them. The side effects, though...

Edited July 22, 2021 by GeorgiaPeach1

[James42]

I just posted something very similar about my significant other. She is the same way as your husband, and I seem to be the exact same way as you! Wouldn’t it be something if life were so simple to just do a spouse swap like that tv show they used to play lol. 
 

I hope you are able to figure things out and find happiness.