New husband his flipped the script, now that the ink is dry

[GeorgiaPeach1]

39 minutes ago, Elsa888 said:

Georgia,

Can you say why this is the case?

Can you take steps to fix this?

It's difficult to make suggestions when we haven't got all the facts.

I live in a very expensive city, and had a rent controlled flat that I gave up. 

My credit is no where near as good as it was before we married, since he didn't share the full extent of his financial situation and I've ended up contributing well above what I initially agreed to.

[Elsa888]

Georgia,

How can you fix this?

Do you work ?

Who can you go to for advice?

I am in UK so others may be able to help you better.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

40 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why can't you leave him financially?

Because I live in a very expensive city, and had a rent controlled flat that I gave up.

41 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And you can't stand up for a better marriage and feel powerless at the same time. Won't work. You'll over-compromise and fake like you're content when you aren't--and then resentment will build. 

This is EXACTLY what has happened! 

42 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

so was finances a reason you married him? A big part of the reason you married him?

Not at all. I am far from a gold digger.

43 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Is there any chance then that you overlooked these problematic behaviors when you were dating and engaged?

Looking back (hindsight is 20/20) I did turn a blind eye to several red flags. Maybe more like pink flags that I should have taken a closer look at. I share the blame for the situation I find myself in.

44 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

some guys do shut down after work, particularly after stressful day at work and by stressful, I mean anything from intense concentration to a boss who's critical

I try not to dump everything on him or treat him like a female friend. 

45 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Oh, is he on any meds? Some meds (such as some antidepressants) block libido.

Yes, but he's been on them for years. I just feel like a toy that he was initially excited to have, now the novelty has worn off and he's put me back on the shelf in case he gets bored one day.

 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

3 minutes ago, Elsa888 said:

Georgia,

How can you fix this?

Do you work ?

Who can you go to for advice?

I am in UK so others may be able to help you better.

 

Yes, I work full time. I've always pulled my weight.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

11 minutes ago, Elsa888 said:

Maybe he is, maybe he isn't, at the end of the day who gives a tuppenny f*** what's going on in his head? The OP needs to get out of this dysfunctional situation before she gets too ground down to know which way is up.

Georgia - I am sorry to talk about you as if you weren't here x

No worries. I understand that you're just trying to make a good point. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Is there anyone around, say a friend, that you can stay with for a week.

I mean, moving out for a week will get this guy's attention. Anyone out there you can stay with for a few days? 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

2 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

created a "chore wheel"?

I found this amusing because it's typically something one would do for kids. But in this case it's certainly fitting since H is acting like a kid!  Sorry, OP, that you are stuck in this for now. I've read lots of your posts in the past and think you're a good person.  

[GeorgiaPeach1]

35 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Is there anyone around, say a friend, that you can stay with for a week.

I mean, moving out for a week will get this guy's attention. Anyone out there you can stay with for a few days? 

No, but I've seriously thought about staying in an inn or renting a room for a bit--both to get a break and to send a message. I dread going home to begin my second shifts of cleaning and meal prep.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

How do I get over the embarrassment of having to face friends, neighbors and coworkers with a failed marriage??? Especially single folks who will then say "I told ya so!"?

[basil67]

If those friends and family care about you, they will treat you with love and sympathy.  Anyone who says I told you so isn’t worth calling a friend. 

[Seliana]

2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How do I get over the embarrassment of having to face friends, neighbors and coworkers with a failed marriage??? Especially single folks who will then say "I told ya so!"?

You hold your head up high and don't volunteer anything. 

The single folks "I told you so people" can kiss your butt. You took a chance for something you wanted, there are no guarantees in life. Some people envy those who take risks, and have the strength to cut their losses instead of condemning themselves to a crap life if it doesn't work out. Are they perfect people with perfect lives? If these people are friends and family, it might be time to reconsider your relationship dynamics with them.

As a divorced woman, I faced a lot of judgement and pity, but I didn't care because quite frankly, there was nothing about their lives I envied. I was taken aback by some close family's reactions, but I distanced myself from them too. If people want to look at me as a failure for walking away from a manchild who cheated, that's their business. 

 

 

[basil67]

@GeorgiaPeach1  I understand you not wanting to go 'on strike'.   I bet you're right that he won't care - after all, it's his 'normal' to live like a pig.  But the worst thing is that you'd have to live in a tip too.   I don't have any other ideas, just wanted to say that I understand your position on this 

[Lotsgoingon]

I get the embarrassment of going public with friends about how miserable you are. About eleven months into my marriage I sent out an email to 30 of my friends finally coming clean with how utterly miserable I was and how impossible it was for me to find a way to live happily with my then wife.

Well my friends came through with nothing but support and so will yours. Think of it this way: you're simply announcing that you are MISERABLE. That's all. You aren't divorcing yet, but you're "coming out" about how bad the relationship is TO YOU! EVERYONE will be able to empathize!

Sharing the embarrassment of early marriage misery is like jumping into a swimming pool. The water is cold for one second. Then you go under and you're fine and you feel good. My friends totally came to my support and lent a good ear to me. No one was judgmental. And your friends will be supportive too. 

Trust me, what I get now, is that most marriages have moments where people hang on by a thin thread. People are far less judgmental than you think (even if they vocally make fun of people who separate quickly). And you're their friend. 

And here was the benefit of me going public with my 30 friends about how miserable my marriage was. I felt liberated--that's the point. No more hiding, no more secrecy. Finally I could breathe and exhale. No more shame! And finally, I could think and really be honest about my feelings. And I could take care of myself. 

BTW: your friends and family will know people whose marriages turned disastrous fast--and people they're still close to and respect. Going public helps you be authentic and thus take care of yourself. And that's the real goal: yes, you want a good marriage, but it cannot be at the cost of your misery. 

Go to an inn if you have to. Absolutely. Literally think outside the box. This is an emergency. No options off the table. 

 

 

[glows]

You should discuss your options with your lawyer. Don't make any bold moves until you decide for sure what you want to do and that includes what to tell the masses. That is not your priority right now. If you want to end the relationship, do it legally without the back and forth and unnecessary drama. Move on if you're not feeling this is right for you. 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

48 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 About eleven months into my marriage I sent out an email to 30 of my friends finally coming clean with how utterly miserable I was and how impossible it was for me to find a way to live happily with my then wife.

 

Many years ago, a close friend of mine was in the same position.  About a year after getting married, his wife turned into a real shrew and he was miserable.  Prior to the marriage, I tried to warn him but he didn't listen.

I didn't say "I told you so"... instead I offered my couch for him to crash on until he could get his act together.

[Alfano]

5 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Now I see that people should date for 2-3 years before getting married, and live together first for at least 6 months. Lesson learned, the hard way.

Wrong. There is little to no upside to getting married -EVER- and way too much to lose.

Any advantages can either be obtained with a legal domestic partnership, or are simply not worth the risk.

 

 

[Crazelnut]

This is only going to get worse over time. The sooner you rip the bandaid off this wound, the faster it can heal.  See a lawyer. Move some joint/his money into your individual account. Find a room to rent and get out. It may be embarrassing, it may be financially challenging, but this is a pivotal point in your life. If you choose to stay in this marriage, this is how you will feel for the rest of your life. Get out now while it's relatively easy.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

13 hours ago, Alfano said:

Wrong. There is little to no upside to getting married -EVER- and way too much to lose.

Any advantages can either be obtained with a legal domestic partnership, or are simply not worth the risk.

 

 

Your difference of opinion doesn't mean that you are right and the other person is wrong lol

[GeorgiaPeach1]

16 hours ago, S2B said:

What work does he do? Why can’t he handle his own expenses?

sit him down and tell him you think the marriage is ending because the way he is now participating isn’t right!

be specific with him. Point out the things that are a problem for you - if he doesn’t improve with a month - divorce him.

that way you can rent a room somewhere and start again. Having a spouse drag you down isn’t a good union.

He earns decent money, but thinks nothing of dropping a lot of cash on expensive toys.

[Alfano]

51 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Your difference of opinion doesn't mean that you are right and the other person is wrong lol

It’s not an opinion 

[jspice]

18 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

How do I get over the embarrassment of having to face friends, neighbors and coworkers with a failed marriage??? Especially single folks who will then say "I told ya so!"?

My sister had the same reaction when she had problems in her first marriage. She was afraid of embarrassment,  of recriminations and didn’t want to disappoint anyone if she got divorced. 
 

I could see she was unhappy but She said nothing, so one day we were driving somewhere and I told her she didn’t have to say anything but I knew she’d be divorced in the next year or two. She still said nothing. 
 

Later that night she came to my room and poured her heart out. She was afraid to be seen as a failure. I told her the only people whose opinion mattered were the people who loved her. I told her to talk to our grandfather. He was our father for all intents and purposes, and he was the wisest person we knew. 
 

I told her I can guarantee that he would support her 100% and would tell her that not only was it ok to leave, but it was imperative that she leave. This man stole the essence of who she was. 
I knew that if my grandfather gave her the green light and she knew at least the two of us were in her corner, it would help reassure that she was doing the right thing. I also told her that anybody who cared about and loved her would never ever embarrass her for not staying in her marriage, no matter how much or how little time elapsed. They would want the best for her no matter what that was. If anyone had negative reactions then they’re not the people who want the best for you. They don’t need an important space in your life. 
She didn’t believe me but she reluctantly spoke to him. 
 

True to form, he listened without judgement. He advised her to go back ( she lived in another country with him) and tell him what she needed from him in their marriage. Give him a time frame to implement the changes. If he didn’t pull his weight she should leave. 
A weight had been lifted off her shoulders, and verbalising what she was going through put things into perspective for her. 

She went back with a plan and she left when he couldn’t change. 
She knew she’d given it a shot. She was still afraid but she knew I was in her corner as was our grandpa. She had good friends locally who held her hand through the process of divorce and getting her life together. 
 

You can do the same. Find the one person you trust most and talk. 
Give your husband a time frame to sort himself out after you tell him what’s bothering you. 
Take appropriate steps and screw anyone who gossips or feels like they have a say in your marriage. 
 

Nobody is going to live your life but you, and putting yourself in an unhappy marriage is not necessary. Get your ducks in a row. Talk to someone close to you. 
 

good luck 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

He earns decent money, but thinks nothing of dropping a lot of cash on expensive toys.

Get him a playpen and put tabasco sauce in his coffee creamer .👶🍼

Edited July 9, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Blind-Sided]

On 7/8/2021 at 3:39 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Raman noodles and he can turn his underwear inside out when he runs out of clean clothes.

LOL....

I always joke about packing for a business trip.  I only needed 3 socks.  You rotate one out so it has a day to "Air out" before wearing it again.  LOL.

On 7/8/2021 at 2:06 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Video games were just a hobby at that point, and not another full time job of his.

A "Job"?   Is he making money with them?  If he is... then you can't really yell at him about it... but if he knows that he should meet you... and then goes to a game store... that is not acceptable.  

On 7/8/2021 at 3:57 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

I should have known it was too good to be true--to have someone fall heads over heel from the beginning, and happily offering marriage so soon. I was under the impression that if it looks and feels good, then why wait?

Now I see that people should date for 2-3 years before getting married, and live together first for at least 6 months. Lesson learned, the hard way.

I don't think anything is "Too good to be true"... but not dating for several years before getting married is... well... crazy.  That is a life commitment (supposed to be) and you really need to know the person you are with.  And... it takes several years to REALLY know who they are.   In my personal life... I've been dating my GF for 1.5 years... and I'm not anywhere close to asking her.  I think she is a little upset, because... while she more or less lives at my house... I told her she needs to maintain her own home.  Yes, it's money being spent on 2 houses... but I told her... if we do get married... we can rent it.  And if we dont... she has a place to go.  

I know hindsight is 20/20... but if you want it to work out... then you need to sit down with him, and have a real conversation about the way he was acting... and the way he is now.

[Lotsgoingon]

Update us when you can, GeorgiaPeach 1. 

[GeorgiaPeach1]

On 7/10/2021 at 7:18 AM, Blind-Sided said:

LOL....

I always joke about packing for a business trip.  I only needed 3 socks.  You rotate one out so it has a day to "Air out" before wearing it again.  LOL.

A "Job"?   Is he making money with them?  If he is... then you can't really yell at him about it... but if he knows that he should meet you... and then goes to a game store... that is not acceptable.  

I don't think anything is "Too good to be true"... but not dating for several years before getting married is... well... crazy.  That is a life commitment (supposed to be) and you really need to know the person you are with.  And... it takes several years to REALLY know who they are.   In my personal life... I've been dating my GF for 1.5 years... and I'm not anywhere close to asking her.  I think she is a little upset, because... while she more or less lives at my house... I told her she needs to maintain her own home.  Yes, it's money being spent on 2 houses... but I told her... if we do get married... we can rent it.  And if we dont... she has a place to go.  

I know hindsight is 20/20... but if you want it to work out... then you need to sit down with him, and have a real conversation about the way he was acting... and the way he is now.

Not a literal full-time job. 

Thanks for calling us crazy. That's so nice and helpful.