Sudden breakup, some words of wisdom/thoughts that I can periodically revisit would mean a lot.

[ultrax3]

Hi everyone, 

For context I'm a 25M doctor dating a 24F in the same field though earlier in her training as a student. I've had an 11 month relationship suddenly end after a wonderful summer of adventures. Things seemed to be going great, slow at times in terms of a deep emotional connection but great nonetheless. We spent over 2 months together exploring our country (hiking, camping, road trips and saw some beautiful places with plenty of special moments), I also spent a month with at her family's and they loved me and I truly enjoyed spending time with them. We had plenty of future plans for the coming months but I don't think we ever talked about things years out etc. (something I don't think is abnormal given our age and the length of time we've been together). 

 We had just finished up a date and all of a sudden she tearfully brings up the fact that she is worried about whether or not we are marriage material down the road, whether we have that sort of deep connection etc. We have shared I love you's and our relationship was progressing a bit slower than previous ones where I was young and would fall harder/faster. We never fought, we share so much in common, intellectually/physically connected well. Something was missing she said, I acknowledged that yes things may not be incredibly fiery/passionate/deep all the time (she notes how we wouldn't stay up all night talking) but that doesn't always equate to a healthy, happy/compatible partnership. I did emphasize that the love was there and growing and that we have a good, healthy and stable thing so I thought it made sense to see where it goes since we also started off this relationship hoping to take things slow. Her best friend just got engaged to her partner of 5 years and she brought that up too and frankly I think this had a part in triggering her concerns.

All of this was a big surprise to me as it was the first I was hearing about insecurities/a lack of faith regarding the relationship or that things weren't good enough to be worth continuing. For a bit more context she had in the past brought up insecurities about how she felt that I had this 'fine with/fine without' attitude to relationships and I did everything to clarify that it had nothing to do with how much our relationship meant to me but simply was something I keep in mind because it encourages me to maintain a strong personal identity (Hobbies, friends etc.) that serves me well when I'm a single (from my shitty experiences of losing myself in relationships, codependance etc.). I'm confident in who I am and don't NEED a relationship to be happy but obviously want a loving relationship for so many reasons. I thought we had put that topic to rest but it came up here and there afterwards. I never in a million years would have thought that this concept could be interpreted as anything other than healthy/mature. More than anything my actions emphasized dedication to our relationship, I recently chose to match to a medical residency program locally (a 5 year contract) to stay with her while a good chunk of my closest friends have all moved away to start fresh. I told this to her and she obviously felt guilty and all she could say is yeah it sucks, the timing sucks. This all happens the day before I start my job as a resident doctor and I was super disappointed/frustrated that she hadn't brought this up sooner.

She said the missing connection and hesitance about a future would eat away at her so I agreed that it was best to end things because I've done everything I can and she doesn't have faith in us. I was an honest, caring, adventurous/fun boyfriend. I never picked fights, always communicated my concerns and listened to hers and even at the end she was trying to give me a hard time for not being angry about all of this (I was and still am but what's the point in lashing out and making someone cry). Our sex life was also just dandy. Most of all I feel like I was confident and not insecure when it came to her/us, for once I felt like a true adult in a relationship. This entire conversation took place over 5-10 minutes. The next day she said she wanted to chat more as it was all very sudden and she 'felt bad about it'. I got my stuff back the next day and asked her if talking more would change anything and she said "I guess not, but I just feel bad". Obviously this is just a cue for I feel guilty but otherwise don't care and I couldn't be bothered to appease her guilt. So I left it at that and didn't engaging her in further conversation beyond respectfully exchanging belongings. It's all in all the shortest most courteous break up I've had. I've gone no contact for the past week and have no intention of reaching out and don't expect her to either given her communication style. 

I guess I just want to get this off my chest as sometimes anonymous strangers really do help me see things clearly. I know things will be okay, I have a great career and am starting a new chapter of it. I'm athletic, fun, outgoing, compassionate and I suppose based on my luck with women, a good looking guy. I have wonderful and supportive family/friends. In the past I've had relationships fail because we fought, or someone screwed up bad but I'm just so puzzled about how a seemingly reasonable one with no drama, no fights, just fun times could evaporate that way. I didn't think this would happen to me of all people (ego bruised much?). It's also shaken my faith in what constitutes a good relationship and how the heck am I supposed to know I'm in one because I can hardly identify a tangible red flag here unlike in previous younger relationships of mine where insecurity and more ran rampant. It feels like everyone is pairing up around me and here I am still hopping between relationships, growing each time, trying to bring value to my life and my partners life only to get dumped when all I hear is that I'm a catch. Even as this all happened all she could say is that I'm wonderful, amazing I'm the most fun person she's dated and we had many special moments and that it wasn't about me or those traits. I realize this could all be lip service as well. I just haven't been so lucky in love I guess despite having seriously dated a handful of wonderful women. I think that with this one something special on an emotional level was missing, that maybe we were settling despite that and I guess I wanted to hold out and see if that'd come with time because god knows you can have a passionate yet miserable relationship as well and I wanted to be patient here. I suppose not everyone, esp a mid 20's girl in a busy career wants to hold out and see...

Anyone have some wisdom to share with this silly 25 year old as I start this new chapter of my career and life and try and wrap my head around all this? Thank you for your input everyone. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by ultrax3

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, ultrax3 said:

I never in a million years would have thought that this concept could be interpreted as anything other than healthy/mature.

Sorry this happened. Are you from differing cultures?

Agree that what her friends are doing and rom-com style thinking could be behind some of this.

She may need to date a few jerks and bad boys before she can appreciate a good man. 

It doesn't seem like anything you did, but more whatever is going on on her head.

 

[ultrax3]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Are you from differing cultures?

Agree that what her friends are doing and rom-com style thinking could be behind some of this.

She may need to date a few jerks and bad boys before she can appreciate a good man. 

It doesn't seem like anything you did, but more whatever is going on on her head.

 

Hi Wiseman, thank you for your response. No we aren't of differing cultures. I mean the whole 'We haven't stayed up all night talking" was a bit Rom-com sounding for sure. We have had late nights and discuss deeper things at times, she even went as far as saying that she was lacking that with her previous partner. Lots of flip flopping it seems. I pride myself on intellectual conversation too and love a good debate or deep chat. She has some stuff to figure out, but don't we all. I've had the fortune and misfortune of making or being on the receiving end of most big relationship mistakes so I know how to manage expectations I guess.

Edited July 8, 2021 by ultrax3

[glows]

She sounds insecure because her friend was getting married and this might have caused her to think about what she could be having also but it was premature. You're both very young so give yourself more time to grow and develop yourselves and your careers. Count this as a blessing in disguise. As far as your residency do you have an option to move elsewhere in the future or transfer? I know someone who moved across the country upon application of a phD in emergency medicine to another residency program. Don't limit yourself this early. Keep growing.

 

[ultrax3]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

She sounds insecure because her friend was getting married and this might have caused her to think about what she could be having also but it was premature. You're both very young so give yourself more time to grow and develop yourselves and your careers. Count this as a blessing in disguise. As far as your residency do you have an option to move elsewhere in the future or transfer? I know someone who moved across the country upon application of a phD in emergency medicine to another residency program. Don't limit yourself this early. Keep growing.

 

Hi there, thanks for your response. 

Am I still young though, I'm 25 turning 26? I told myself that after my break ups at 19, 20 and 23 but it just keeps happening... I honestly feel like the available pool is drying up and now with the start of residency and medical school behind me I'm worried it'll be even tougher to meet people. Online dating is absolutely crappy in so many ways as well. This is so hard and I can't help but worry.

I can't switch residency locations, the contract is binding and honestly I like the city anyways its just making this decision to stay here factored her in and its hurtful to be disregarded like that.

Edited July 8, 2021 by ultrax3

[glows]

Yes, 25 is very young. Maybe you'll meet someone else while studying.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, ultrax3 said:

the start of residency and medical school behind me I'm worried it'll be even tougher to meet people.

Residency is a great time to meet all sorts of people.  Congrats on your match.

[stillafool]

Are you kidding a 25 year old male doctor is a great catch.  Women 19-30 will be climbing over each other to date you.  Your ex gf sounds like she wants a highly passionate relationship with all the drama to feel in love.  It sounds like she's missing passion.  Maybe her last relationship was that way and that is what she was missing in yours.

Edited July 8, 2021 by stillafool

[ultrax3]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Are you kidding a 25 year old male doctor is a great catch.  Women 19-30 will be climbing over each other to date you.  Your ex gf sounds like she wants a highly passionate relationship with all the drama to feel in love.  It sounds like she's missing passion.  Maybe her last relationship was that way and that is what she was missing in yours.

If only it felt that easy stillafool.

Yeah, and I get that to some extent. I've just been in such a good place the last year and a half that all I had to offer really was passion for what I love doing, taking her places with me, building stuff, advancing my career etc. I've done drama, I've been dramatic and boy did I want to avoid that. 

[Alpacalia]

She's implying that in her mind, she's already envisioned a suitable fit, and you're not that vision. What's missing could be a significant need of hers that she isn't aware of herself, and she is unable to identify what that elusive "thing" is.

Maybe one of you (or both) simply stopped trying owing to a lack of time.

Continue to put yourself out there when you're at your most confident, and you'll eventually find someone who truly appreciates you.

Keep going and good luck!

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, ultrax3 said:

If only it felt that easy stillafool.

Yeah, and I get that to some extent. I've just been in such a good place the last year and a half that all I had to offer really was passion for what I love doing, taking her places with me, building stuff, advancing my career etc. I've done drama, I've been dramatic and boy did I want to avoid that. 

I don't blame you for wanting to avoid drama in a relationship.  It's very unhealthy for a relationship as well as ones nerves.  Some people thrive on it   Continue your hobbies and past times, women will love it.  I'm sure all that we're telling you is not helping because right now you are a bit confused and you miss your ex.  Give it time.  You won't be lonely - unless you want to of course.

Edited July 9, 2021 by stillafool

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, sounds like you're learning one of the most difficult lessons there is to learn in dating.

Sounds like you guys had all the accoutrements of a good relationship, all the warmth and friendliness and honesty and time together, You met the family, they liked you. She praised you and your personality, touted your gifts. That's all fantastic.

But the truth is that sometimes all the accoutrements can't make up for the missing x-factor at the center of things. I see why you missed her ambivalence. A few things: one, people are not necessarily attracted to the best man/woman they encounter. I had an ex tell me I was the best man she'd ever dated. Great, right? But she didn't say I was the man she most wanted to date. And she didn't act like she wanted to date me.

Most likely as you go on dating, you will have more wisdom about this relationship. I'm going to guess here and say this woman said all the right things, but what was missing was the absolute joy in her eyes--the passion, the electricity--that would indicate she caught fire with you. Not everyone needs the fire. But the fire can be very important. The fire is not sufficient, right? And that becomes a part of the great debate. No, passion is not enough. 

But I think passion in 90 percent of cases, is really really helpful. Without it, people often have hesitation, they have doubts, they think they're missing something. They can be friendly but they don't show that raw admiration and attraction. They don't display the smile and energy that says (without words) I'm so lucky to be with you. You want the body language and the energy to say I'm deliriously happy and lucky to be with you--not really the words. 

Also, a painful lesson: there's really nothing you can do if someone doesn't feel the raw passion for you. Your sacrifices don't matter. (And frankly, they shouldn't matter). Just think of all the women you passed by. If they did nice stuff for you, would you change your mind? No!--you wouldn't. 

I get your disappointment and surprise, but over time, I guarantee that you will be able to look back on the relationship and see what was missing. Your ex covered and hid the missing element by saying how wonderful you are. You thought hearing how wonderful you are meant she was saying that dating you was wonderful in her soul, in her gut. She was not saying that and if she did come close to saying it, it was not with passion. 

Here's the good news: she really did admire you and think you were wonderful. The problem is again, I bet you can identify ten women in a minute that you think are wonderful--and yet that doesn't mean you WANT to date them. Most likely, she wanted to give a chance for the passion to arise. (I've seen lots of women do this--especially if they've dated jerks.) And she did have SOME passion for you, just not all that strong. 

Good luck. You would be miserable if this continued. You would, over time, notice the absence passion and feel the inequality in the relationship. You'd be working harder to please her than she you. She did you a favor by dumping you. It's not her job and it wouldn't be helpful for you to stay with you just because you had recently moved. There is no "clean" non-painful way out of a relationship. None. 

 

[Alfano]

It would be very unusual for there to be no red flags prior to her dumping you.

Perhaps you are so wrapped up in things that you're missing the signs.

Or, maybe she found a guy she likes better.

It happens.

Sorry you altered your studies for her, that was clearly a big mistake hopefully it works out for you.

[mark clemson]

Some people are comfortable with LTRs and others aren't ready for them yet (i.e. in their 20's). Some are never comfortable with them.

Generally, if someone is really looking for a reason to leave, they can usually find one, even if things were going great.

The attitude regarding "spark" level is good once you've hit LT. It's important to be realistic about that. However, 1 year in there should still be "spark".  So there is that as well. It's also true that some folks are happy with low "spark" relationships, whereas others see that as a red flag.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. 😜  BUT that's actually pretty true when it comes to relationships as different couples can/will have very different "chemistry".

[lana-banana]

When someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. If they reconsider, they'll let you know. You are both still very young, probably with at least 3-5 more years before you feel truly ready to settle down. Take some time to hurt and really feel your feelings, then move on with your head high. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, lana-banana said:

When someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. If they reconsider, they'll let you know. You are both still very young, probably with at least 3-5 more years before you feel truly ready to settle down. Take some time to hurt and really feel your feelings, then move on with your head high. 

And know, there are so many women out there who will want to date you. Things happen for a reason.

[ultrax3]

23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, sounds like you're learning one of the most difficult lessons there is to learn in dating.

Sounds like you guys had all the accoutrements of a good relationship, all the warmth and friendliness and honesty and time together, You met the family, they liked you. She praised you and your personality, touted your gifts. That's all fantastic.

But the truth is that sometimes all the accoutrements can't make up for the missing x-factor at the center of things. I see why you missed her ambivalence. A few things: one, people are not necessarily attracted to the best man/woman they encounter. I had an ex tell me I was the best man she'd ever dated. Great, right? But she didn't say I was the man she most wanted to date. And she didn't act like she wanted to date me.

Most likely as you go on dating, you will have more wisdom about this relationship. I'm going to guess here and say this woman said all the right things, but what was missing was the absolute joy in her eyes--the passion, the electricity--that would indicate she caught fire with you. Not everyone needs the fire. But the fire can be very important. The fire is not sufficient, right? And that becomes a part of the great debate. No, passion is not enough. 

But I think passion in 90 percent of cases, is really really helpful. Without it, people often have hesitation, they have doubts, they think they're missing something. They can be friendly but they don't show that raw admiration and attraction. They don't display the smile and energy that says (without words) I'm so lucky to be with you. You want the body language and the energy to say I'm deliriously happy and lucky to be with you--not really the words. 

Also, a painful lesson: there's really nothing you can do if someone doesn't feel the raw passion for you. Your sacrifices don't matter. (And frankly, they shouldn't matter). Just think of all the women you passed by. If they did nice stuff for you, would you change your mind? No!--you wouldn't. 

I get your disappointment and surprise, but over time, I guarantee that you will be able to look back on the relationship and see what was missing. Your ex covered and hid the missing element by saying how wonderful you are. You thought hearing how wonderful you are meant she was saying that dating you was wonderful in her soul, in her gut. She was not saying that and if she did come close to saying it, it was not with passion. 

Here's the good news: she really did admire you and think you were wonderful. The problem is again, I bet you can identify ten women in a minute that you think are wonderful--and yet that doesn't mean you WANT to date them. Most likely, she wanted to give a chance for the passion to arise. (I've seen lots of women do this--especially if they've dated jerks.) And she did have SOME passion for you, just not all that strong. 

Good luck. You would be miserable if this continued. You would, over time, notice the absence passion and feel the inequality in the relationship. You'd be working harder to please her than she you. She did you a favor by dumping you. It's not her job and it wouldn't be helpful for you to stay with you just because you had recently moved. There is no "clean" non-painful way out of a relationship. None. 

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, I agree with you in a lot of ways. I certainly think this may have been a big part of the picture, and in all honesty I too felt that lack of spark and passion in me. There are other things that lead me to think insecurity about how much I care about her also played a role but I won't get into the nitty gritty. I didn't love her the way I adored my ex before her, the sex was great but again something was missing chemistry wise. It was never mind blowing. I generally ignored it however because things were great in a lot of other ways. In some sense I guess that's settling and that certainly bothered me a bit and I think she picked up on that. She also probably felt the same way I guess? 

I think we probably both deserve to be with someone who lights our pants on fire. Still hurts though. Sucks that we couldn't have that despite getting along so well and being compatible in so many ways. That's just the X-factor I guess. More of a dialogue about it would have gone a long way vs. a blindside I feel but she was always the anxious type. 

Edited July 10, 2021 by ultrax3

[ultrax3]

6 hours ago, lana-banana said:

When someone wants to walk out of your life, let them. If they reconsider, they'll let you know. You are both still very young, probably with at least 3-5 more years before you feel truly ready to settle down. Take some time to hurt and really feel your feelings, then move on with your head high. 

Yeah I hear you, I've got a million hobbies, a busy career and more so honestly I don't really bother chasing anyone if its done. Those days are long gone, you want out then leave. She gave me a hard time about that attitude but I stand by it. It sucks and hurts like a B but honestly my self respect and confidence come first. 

Edited July 10, 2021 by ultrax3

[ultrax3]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Some people are comfortable with LTRs and others aren't ready for them yet (i.e. in their 20's). Some are never comfortable with them.

Generally, if someone is really looking for a reason to leave, they can usually find one, even if things were going great.

The attitude regarding "spark" level is good once you've hit LT. It's important to be realistic about that. However, 1 year in there should still be "spark".  So there is that as well. It's also true that some folks are happy with low "spark" relationships, whereas others see that as a red flag.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. 😜  BUT that's actually pretty true when it comes to relationships as different couples can/will have very different "chemistry".

I've had those fiery incredibly passionate relationships but alas I was younger and needed to grow as a single guy before being able to manage all those emotions that come with it in a mature way. I think I was settling for a 'low-spark' relationship here because everything else just worked so dang well and we had a lot of fun through are common interests, similar sex drives etc. No drama. 

I hope there is someone out there for me who I find attractive, share a great spark with and also have a lot in common with. Something was missing as much as I wish it wasn't the case for me and her. Granted she acted on it but I'd be lying if it never crossed my mind which is obviously a red flag too. Navigating things can be so dang hard. 

Edited July 10, 2021 by ultrax3

[Lotsgoingon]

It is easy to settle for a low-spark relationship when you've had passion before. You can find yourself taking passion for granted. I certainly did that. I had passion with my college gf and she was an emotional disaster for me. The next few women I dated I used a checklist for all the sane elements my college gf lacked. And I ended up in friendship relationships.

And look there is something nice and steady (and seemingly mature) about a friendship-romance. But you don't want to start that way. You want to get to that point you know 20 years into a marriage. 

So now you want the passion, that X-factor, AND the steadiness of whatever you had with this woman. You want both of those. I know: a tall order. But she can be a model for the type of maturity you want, or the emotional steadiness you want. She sounds very emotionally steady. Don't dismiss all her great qualities--that's a mistake we make. People often "over-correct" by not realizing that yes, the ex had a lot of good qualities worth looking for in the next person as well.  

There is a huge lesson here for you that you will be able to apply as a hot young resident in town (when you get a breather around your long hours). Which is don't just pay attention to words. Man, that's a really subtle one. You want words ("You're great") and you want body language and electricity to match, in you and in her. 

You'll be fine, bro. Trust me, you'll be fine. Here's the thing: the way you describe this woman she sounds first class. Well you must be first class as well. I don't think your ex is someone who would compromise on the character qualities. And I'm betting it was hard as hell--achingly so--for her to accept that things between you weren't really right for her or for you.

So throw yourself into work, and you won't really have a deep wound from this relationship. You'll have a wound (we always have something from getting dumped) but really, yours shouldn't be something that embitters you. Of course, you are allowed to be bitter as hell for six months. Don't go past a year on bitterness. All the good qualities this woman talked about, they're true. You can feel good about that. And you'll probably find yourself working less hard in the right relationship for you. 

Edited July 10, 2021 by Lotsgoingon

[spiderowl]

I am really sorry this happened, ultrax.  Once you get over the suddenness of it, I think you will start to see where it wasn't right for you.

It does sound like the spark and passion wasn't there for you, but you were having fun and thought that might be enough.  

Your independence and maybe lack of need for her may have scared her off.  If a guy I was with had a 'happy with/without' attitude, I'd wonder why he was with me at all.  I guess I would conclude he likes company and sex but maybe not longer term commitment.  This may have been a misunderstanding on her part.

It is important to have that deeper emotional connection.  Did you have that with any of your exs?  To be honest, I was in a relationship that fizzled out for that very reason.  The guy was fun, liked doing things, going out and seeing places, walking, someone to go places with, but, on an emotional level, we could not communicate well.  He cut me off in some discussions, had strong views on 'just getting on with things' if times got tough, rather than talking about them, yet he was compassionate.  Well, what does compassion mean if you cannot talk to your partner about anything but the superficial?  

I am not saying you were the same but just that two people can perceive the same relationship entirely differently.  Maybe it is worth looking at what that deep emotional connection might have involved, so that you know what was missing for you and her and so that you know what to look for in future.  There is a lot to be said for companionship, but if the one you are with cannot share their emotional lives with you, only their actions, then you are just mates going out for trips together even if there is sex involved.

Just because you and she are not a match, does not mean there isn't someone special out there just waiting to meet a great guy like you.  I feel we are a bit like molecules under a microscope - they bump into each other, some stick together and merge, some stick together but don't merge, some bounce off and go their own way.  Ultimately, nature sorts it all out for us.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view), as humans we experience of the pain of this natural flow.  We can choose to look forward to the time when the molecules will blend together naturally.

Edited July 13, 2021 by spiderowl

[ultrax3]

18 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I am really sorry this happened, ultrax.  Once you get over the suddenness of it, I think you will start to see where it wasn't right for you.

It does sound like the spark and passion wasn't there for you, but you were having fun and thought that might be enough.  

Your independence and maybe lack of need for her may have scared her off.  If a guy I was with had a 'happy with/without' attitude, I'd wonder why he was with me at all.  I guess I would conclude he likes company and sex but maybe not longer term commitment.  This may have been a misunderstanding on her part.

It is important to have that deeper emotional connection.  Did you have that with any of your exs?  To be honest, I was in a relationship that fizzled out for that very reason.  The guy was fun, liked doing things, going out and seeing places, walking, someone to go places with, but, on an emotional level, we could not communicate well.  He cut me off in some discussions, had strong views on 'just getting on with things' if times got tough, rather than talking about them, yet he was compassionate.  Well, what does compassion mean if you cannot talk to your partner about anything but the superficial?  

I am not saying you were the same but just that two people can perceive the same relationship entirely differently.  Maybe it is worth looking at what that deep emotional connection might have involved, so that you know what was missing for you and her and so that you know what to look for in future.  There is a lot to be said for companionship, but if the one you are with cannot share their emotional lives with you, only their actions, then you are just mates going out for trips together even if there is sex involved.

Just because you and she are not a match, does not mean there isn't someone special out there just waiting to meet a great guy like you.  I feel we are a bit like molecules under a microscope - they bump into each other, some stick together and merge, some stick together but don't merge, some bounce off and go their own way.  Ultimately, nature sorts it all out for us.  Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on your point of view), as humans we experience of the pain of this natural flow.  We can choose to look forward to the time when the molecules will blend together naturally.

Hi Spiderowl, 

I think you've hit so much on the head. I've definitely had deeper emotional connections with 1-2 of my exes and it bugged me a bit (especially the ex before my most recent ex, I do miss her and a very small part of me would want to try again given how our issues stemmed from insecurities of being young/naive) but its so tough because those relationships weren't necessarily healthier in large part due to our maturity. I do think those thoughts you've mentioned crossed her mind, I think in particular my actions clearly suggested a future but perhaps my words (or lack of) and just 'happy to be here with someone I get along with' attitude may had lead her to think I don't want something long term or didn't see that for us and perhaps she felt the same way. That was just me living in the present, trying to be the best person I can be to someone now and letting the relationship grow organically as it may. I'm getting older (or so it feels), I've had my fun and slept around so I was and am genuinely looking for something long term. I guess we didn't speak enough about those things and maybe that'll be something I do in future relationships. When we first started dating she seemed to firmly share that attitude but no doubt her needs or beliefs changed at some point. It's all disconcerting because I feel like all my friends are pairing up and I've struggled to meet the one despite having so many connections! All I hear is you are a catch in every way this that and sure I'm thankful to have dated some wonderful women over the years but there's always something that isn't sticking even when I'm honestly at my best and have my s*** together.

Warning signs that I should have taken into consideration in hindsight like "Do you ever get tired of me (after we've spent like 5 days camping together)" etc. were obvious NO's from me but I should have explored why she felt that way more. She had a tendency to get in her head and worry about what other people may think of our relationship or what they were doing with theirs, it wasn't pathologic or too red flaggy and I'm the opposite of her in that I usually told her to not worry about other people and what they think of us and to just live our lives and enjoy (a bit of PDA, a post of us together on instagram or whatever else we may feel, who cares what people say or think). Who knows really what may have been going through her head, maybe she felt insecure and thought I didn't care or got tired of her easily or maybe she just didn't care and was sick of me and wanted to see if I felt the same way. I no longer know for sure. 

Edited July 13, 2021 by ultrax3

[spiderowl]

I hope it helps in some way ultrax.  I think our unconscious minds cause us to react/behave in a particular way and we and sometimes our partners sense the underlying feelings.  It can be confusing when one is picking up feelings from the other person but their actions do not seem to match. For example, in my recent case, they want to see you and go out but they tend not to want to chat about anything but their own interests. Something feels off.  You want to see me, seem keen to see me in fact, but then I feel shut down somehow.  Ultimately, one tends to back off because: things don't feel right or one feels confused.

Relationships seem very complicated as they operate at conscious and unconscious levels.  Unless both people feel they can share all aspects of themselves easily, then the relationship tends to fizzle out.  Also, if one feels more sensitive than the other, that can lead to a break up.  For example, "what you said here bothers me", and the other responds "I didn't even think about it, why on earth would it bother you?"  

I suppose the point I'm making is that there needs to be a match on conscious and unconscious levels, unless it is a match of convenience and both understand that.  I'm not sure that would work but who knows?  I'm sure if a relationship is meant to work, it will flow.

Edited July 14, 2021 by spiderowl