do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

This is so complicated. I will start by saying this all started 11 months ago. One reaching out message to an old classmate which was totally innocent, has turned into two people who have fallen madly in love. He is 3,000 miles away and in a very unhappy married and I am separated with divorce on the horizon. He has no kids. My kids are grown. We meet in person in May when he was in my area to visit family. We kept it real friendly as he seems real sensitive. We also became best friends. I really wonder what the chances are that he will leave her? I would love some feedback. 

[Poppy47]

Has he mentioned that he might leave? 

[basil67]

Based on what I've read here and situations I've known of in real life, chances of him leaving are about 50:1

My advice is to tell him that this situation is untenable and you must move on to protect your heart - but if he should ever find himself single, he knows where to contact you. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 I really wonder what the chances are that he will leave her? I would love some feedback. 

You're in the throes of divorce so you may feel up and down for a while and given to rebound romances like this. Don't invest in this fling.

[stillafool]

Have you guys discussed moving together?

[Myabee]

He has. Most especially after returning from a 3 day trip with her and friends. Goal was to try and reconnect and that did not happen. He then wanted in on FWB while he figures out how to have the hard discussions he needs to have with her. 

[Myabee]

Just now, stillafool said:

Have you guys discussed moving together?

Yes months ago. 

[stillafool]

Just now, Myabee said:

Yes months ago. 

Have you guys discussed a timeline as to when you're going to do it?

[Myabee]

Yes 2 years. I was wanting to wait until last one onto college. The thing with him is fear of change. A big change like this. He knows he does not want to pursue a future as their life goals no longer match and they have zero sex not intomacy. 

[glows]

Chances are low. You're hedging your bets on a non-option or someone who is not available. He could be feeding you quite a lot of lies while you live 3000 miles away. Have you considered he may be a worse option for a lover or relationship than your ex or soon to be ex-spouse? How are you doing financially with the divorce? 

Another question, would you be providing a soft landing for him if he left his marriage? He could just as easily leave you for someone else the same way he's doing to his current wife - what would stop him except his boundaries or convictions about what commitment and relationship means (to which he seems to have little of)? 

If you have a crush on him have fun with it but go easy on the future plans. He sounds about as bottom of the barrel as it gets. He also just propositioned an fwb? This has red flags all over it so don't overinvest.

 

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Based on what I've read here and situations I've known of in real life, chances of him leaving are about 50:1

My advice is to tell him that this situation is untenable and you must move on to protect your heart - but if he should ever find himself single, he knows where to contact you. 

I did that. We have taken texting and calling breaks only to end up like " I can't imagine life without you in it" It has been back and forth. Also guilt involved on my part and on his. He admits that he has cheated by acting this way with me. At one point he backed away. It was after this last trip that he said, "I can't see my future with her anymore". 

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, glows said:

Chances are low. You're hedging your bets on a non-option or someone who is not available. He could be feeding you quite a lot of lies while you live 3000 miles away. Have you considered he may be a worse option for a lover or relationship than your ex or soon to be ex-spouse? How are you doing financially with the divorce? 

Another question, would you be providing a soft landing for him if he left his marriage? He could just as easily leave you for someone else the same way he's doing to his current wife - what would stop him except his boundaries or convictions about what commitment and relationship means (to which he seems to have little of)? 

If you have a crush on him have fun with it but go easy on the future plans. He sounds about as bottom of the barrel as it gets. He also just propositioned an fwb? This has red flags all over it so don't overinvest.

 

Oh no his has immense guilt to the point of a crying voice on the phone. He has mentioned so many times he feels likes he has always put her first and has gone with un meet needs for 20 years. His family all lives in my area. I have much to figure out financially but working on it. I became separated before him and I even started to talk. What red flags do you see? I feel like he is being sincere yet conflicted and does not want to crush her by leaving. Already feels guilty enough for finally waking up to a dead marriage but getting involved with me he knows while married is wrong. I brought up FWB a while back. He would not do it. After that trip he said can we still do FWB?

Edited July 8, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're in the throes of divorce so you may feel up and down for a while and given to rebound romances like this. Don't invest in this fling.

Do you really think that's true? I was checked out of my marriage for 16 years. It was easy to file. 

[Timshel]

37 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He then wanted in on FWB while he figures out how to have the hard discussions he needs to have with her. 

If this did not have you walk away, then this is what you will be.

[Myabee]

What do you mean??? And I almost did walk away because I'm not stupid in knowing that I could easily be his thrill and it would stay that way. I told him I was really offended. 

Edited July 8, 2021 by Myabee

[basil67]

32 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I did that. We have taken texting and calling breaks only to end up like " I can't imagine life without you in it" It has been back and forth. Also guilt involved on my part and on his. He admits that he has cheated by acting this way with me. At one point he backed away. It was after this last trip that he said, "I can't see my future with her anymore". 

You have to do it again and mean it.  You're going to get so hurt if you don't protect yourself.

[Myabee]

Just now, basil67 said:

You have to do it again and mean it.  You're going to get so hurt if you don't protect yourself.

I already did get hurt when back in Nov he said I can't text you anything that (lets call her ) Jane can't see. I have to give my marriage a chance. He had to put me in a box on a shelf meaning the feelings. We tried to stay friends fighting feelings all the while back and forth. 😩

[Timshel]

23 minutes ago, Myabee said:

What do you mean??? And I almost did walk away because I'm not stupid in knowing that I could easily be his thrill and it would stay that way. I told him I was really offended. 

You 'almost' walked away? You told him you were 'really offended'?  What do you mean? "I'm offended by you telling me exactly what you want! Tell me what I want to hear or I'm maybe not going to talk to you for like, a day?" Is that what you mean?

12 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I already did get hurt when back in Nov he said I can't text you anything that (lets call her ) Jane can't see. I have to give my marriage a chance. He had to put me in a box on a shelf meaning the feelings. We tried to stay friends fighting feelings all the while back and forth. 😩

But you come back for more. This is where you are, right now. Taking scraps from a dog, left over bones. Dude has sniffed your weakness and you are still hanging around.

You are hurting right now, going through a difficult time, not in a good place. If you take the high road, things will get better. If you take scraps out of loneliness and fear, like basil said, your pain will increase exponentially.

It's your choice. You are at a crossroad, choose.

Edited July 8, 2021 by Timshel

[Lotsgoingon]

No, they don't. And he's NOT going to move across the country for you. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Timshel said:

You 'almost' walked away? You told him you were 'really offended'?  What do you mean? I'm offended by you telling me exactly what you want! Tell me what I want to hear or I'm maybe not going to talk to you for like, a day? Is that what you mean?

But you come back for more. This is where you are, right now. Taking scraps from a dog, left over bones. Dude has sniffed your weakness and you are still hanging around.

You are hurting right now, going through a difficult time, not in a good place. If you take the high road, things will get better. If you take scraps out of loneliness and fear, like basil said, your pain will increase exponentially.

It's your choice. You are at a crossroad, choose.

You're wise. If you think I'm hurting over my last marriage l, I most certainly am not. I chose to walk away and feel great about that.  If you mean I am hurting over MM, I think I am confused. Confused by all the flip flopping yet I understand him. He has not acted like a pig at all with me. When we saw one another in person he could have tried to push me in the direction of actually being sexual that day. When he first arrived I literally reached out my hand in friendship. He pulled me in for a friendly hug. We left each other with a long tight hug. The kind that felt like I don't want to let go. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

No, they don't. And he's NOT going to move across the country for you. 

Can you elaborate? This man has no kids. It's just her and it's no longer working for him. 

[basil67]

If he's got no kids and it's just the two of them and they aren't like a couple anymore, what's stopping him from leaving?   

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If he's got no kids and it's just the two of them and they aren't like a couple anymore, what's stopping him from leaving?   

3000 miles, his line of work which is much harder to get in my area. He also feels bad to hurt her yet he can't do it anymore. This also all took place during the pandemic.

[Lotsgoingon]

All I can tell you is that nearly 60 years of life experience tells me he won't leave because .... why leave? He just occasionally sneak off to see you. His wife does not have a gun to his head, right? So he's in the relationship for his own reasons. No one is making him stay there. People stay in relationships all the time even if the relationships aren't very good. The relationship might need other needs the person has. 

 

[central]

Few married men leave their wives, unless the relationship is really on the rocks.  Of those that do, most find someone else other than an affair partner.  A very, very small percentage end up with their affair partner - just enough to make it seem possible.