do they actually leave?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, Myabee said:

 He is messed up

It's hard to tell if he was beefing up the "my wife doesn't understand me" BS or if he wanted free therapy. Both are kind of nauseating.🤢

Edited July 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Same here. I am very resolution based, which gave my ex husband an instruction manual to manipulate me. 

Ugh! However good for you for standing your ground! Resolution far more productive then avoidance. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's hard to tell if he was beefing up the "my wife doesn't understand me" BS or if he wanted free therapy. Both are kind of nauseating.🤢

Ha! You are not kidding. I makes me want to puke. A big red flag was when he said I was looking to make no changes in my life until you came along? Came along? All I did was send a friendly message asking what he had been up to for the past 25 plus years as he had been on my social media for 10 years and I never asked. We got talking from that point forward and now i can see his predatory ways. I am disgusted. 

[Myabee]

Happy to report I have had almost 48 hours of NO contact. Gotta keep that going. Note to self: I respect myself more then to be in contact with a pig!    

[Myabee]

13 hours ago, glows said:

No, he probably isn’t a real friend, not even to himself. He’s willy nilly all over the place. 

You’re also angry which is understandable. Hurt people often don’t know they’re hurting or that they’re damaging others. You did fall for his hot mess though so some accountability is needed. Maybe you were vulnerable then (more so than now). Like I said earlier, file your divorce. You’ll feel so much better once that’s behind you and you can start dating available men because you’re available. 

I do hold myself accountable for becoming involved more then I should have with this person. I'm pretty sure it was out of lonliness and that's my issue. I have stated this before a couple of times separation has been many months now divorce in the works. Thing's are legal and moving forward there. 

[glows]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I do hold myself accountable for becoming involved more then I should have with this person. I'm pretty sure it was out of lonliness and that's my issue. I have stated this before a couple of times separation has been many months now divorce in the works. Thing's are legal and moving forward there. 

Well, I can empathize with you. While I was separated I found some unsavouries attractive and after I divorced I couldn't be bothered with them. It was very clear they weren't options at all. I hope things carry on to move smoothly through the divorce process. 

[Myabee]

Just now, glows said:

Well, I can empathize with you. While I was separated I found some unsavouries attractive and after I divorced I couldn't be bothered with them. It was very clear they weren't options at all. I hope things carry on to move smoothly through the divorce process. 

Thank you

[Myabee]

So, I came here read for a while, signed up then finally posted. Realize the mistakes I was making being involved with a MM. Made sense of it all and blocked on phone and social media. Except I did forget one app we used to communicate through and there was a message. Call me weak, crazy, horrible anything you want I caved. He misses me. I can't say I don't feel the same. We ended up on a phone call where he told me I was his very best friend. I feel the same way. He started to read about conflict avoidance and was pretty amazed at how much it pegged him. IDK what to do now? It looks like we can't seem to quit one another. Go ahead have at me. But please can you use a bit of kindness? I'm only human and this is truly killing me. Thank you all. xx

[Crazelnut]

Call it a setback and re-block EVERYWHERE. Start over. You did it once, you can do it again. 

[Myabee]

Just now, Crazelnut said:

Call it a setback and re-block EVERYWHERE. Start over. You did it once, you can do it again. 

The problem is deep down I don't want too.😪

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Myabee said:

The problem is deep down I don't want too.😪

Well then, you will continue on this marry go round until you get tired of it. You wouldn’t be the first to go back to your affair. 

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, you will continue on this marry go round until you get tired of it. You wouldn’t be the first to go back to your affair. 

I guess you are right Bailey. The question is can I even handle all of this?? I asked him to answer a question for me direct last night. Due to his natural tendancy to stonewall all a part of conflict advoidance I knew it would be tough for him. The question I asked him was this. "Would it be safe to say that we fell in love 11 months ago and never fell out of love" His answer was "I would say that is highly accurate".  🙄 I do not know how to proceed from this point forward?? 

[Starswillshine]

While sometimes it can be frustrating seeing people go through the same thing over and over again that either we ourselves have been through or others on here.... at the end of the day, we close the browser and go about our lives. The only truly unkind thing is what you are putting yourself through. 

This is what you must remember, every single day, this man looks at his wife and lies straight to her face. Every single day. Imagine how easy it is to lie to you via a text or phone call. Stop putting so much stock into his words. Stop asking him questions to make sense of it all. You cannot believe anything so why waste your time? More importantly, it just keeps you hanging on as you lap up the BS he feeds you. While it feels good in the moment, it is confusing, and it keeps you stuck. Then the whole hurt cycle begins again. 

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

While sometimes it can be frustrating seeing people go through the same thing over and over again that either we ourselves have been through or others on here.... at the end of the day, we close the browser and go about our lives. The only truly unkind thing is what you are putting yourself through. 

This is what you must remember, every single day, this man looks at his wife and lies straight to her face. Every single day. Imagine how easy it is to lie to you via a text or phone call. Stop putting so much stock into his words. Stop asking him questions to make sense of it all. You cannot believe anything so why waste your time? More importantly, it just keeps you hanging on as you lap up the BS he feeds you. While it feels good in the moment, it is confusing, and it keeps you stuck. Then the whole hurt cycle begins again. 

I realize all of this. He is having a very difficult time acting this way and feeling this way knowing he is committed to her. I truly feel he is not lying to me. We are both in our 50's and not at a point in life to play games. Each is thinking long term as to who they want to grow old with. We both feel like you grow old with your best friend. We are best friends. This is all very upsetting.  

[Starswillshine]

10 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I realize all of this. He is having a very difficult time acting this way and feeling this way knowing he is committed to her. I truly feel he is not lying to me. We are both in our 50's and not at a point in life to play games. Each is thinking long term as to who they want to grow old with. We both feel like you grow old with your best friend. We are best friends. This is all very upsetting.  

I was not aware that best friends keep hurting their best friends. He is actually not your best friend. He is using you as a crutch. You are using him as a crutch. Best friends would do what is best for each other. 

Boo hoo.... he is feeling bad about treating her this way but still does it? BS. Im sorry but he's a tool. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

I was not aware that best friends keep hurting their best friends. He is actually not your best friend. He is using you as a crutch. You are using him as a crutch. Best friends would do what is best for each other. 

Boo hoo.... he is feeling bad about treating her this way but still does it? BS. Im sorry but he's a tool. 

Wait a minute! I don't believe that is true about best friends as our situation is very complicated. You call him a tool? How are you sure he is? I don't feel like he's a crutch. I feel like I enjoy sharing with him. 

Edited July 14, 2021 by Myabee

[vla1120]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I feel like I enjoy sharing with him. 

Don't you mean you enjoy sharing him with her? I guess cheating MM are the same at any age, but you're right. Neither of you is getting any younger, so if you truly are "best friends" and you truly are too old to play games, then why doesn't he simply leave his wife to be with you permanently? It's not like he has any young children at home, at this point in his life, so he can't use the "staying for the children" excuse. Right?

[Myabee]

Just now, vla1120 said:

Don't you mean you enjoy sharing him with her? I guess cheating MM are the same at any age, but you're right. Neither of you is getting any younger, so if you truly are "best friends" and you truly are too old to play games, then why doesn't he simply leave his wife to be with you permanently? It's not like he has any young children at home, at this point in his life, so he can't use the "staying for the children" excuse. Right?

Yes exactly! 

[vla1120]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Yes exactly! 

Challenge him on this. Tell him if you truly are best friends and he wants to be with you, then he needs to take steps to make that happen sooner rather than later (give him a time limit.) If he refuses, then walk away - for your own sanity.

[BaileyB]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I don't believe that is true about best friends as our situation is very complicated.

This is what keeps you in the affair. 

If he was truly your best friend, he would want what is best for you. If your friend was being strung along by a married man who promises her everything and follows through with nothing, would you advise her to stay in the relationship? Or, would it be in her best interest to leave? If you are being truthful and looking at the situation objectively, you would advise her to leave because planning your future with a man who is committed to another woman is not a wise decision. If HE was your best friend, he would not ask you to wait and stay involved. He would want what’s best for you, even if that means it will be difficult for him. This kind of manipulation serves only one purpose, to keep you happy right where you are - because that’s what he wants! And you, just fell for it again… 

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, vla1120 said:

Challenge him on this. Tell him if you truly are best friends and he wants to be with you, then he needs to take steps to make that happen sooner rather than later (give him a time limit.) If he refuses, then walk away - for your own sanity.

That's where it all had been going! And that's exactly where I need to get it back too. If he us serious he will do what he needs on his end. And yes we are truly best friends. 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is what keeps you in the affair. 

If he was truly your best friend, he would want what is best for you. If your friend was being strung along by a married man who promises her everything and follows through with nothing, would you advise her to stay in the relationship? Or, would it be in her best interest to leave? If you are being truthful and looking at the situation objectively, you would advise her to leave because planning your future with a man who is committed to another woman is not a wise decision. If HE was your best friend, he would not ask you to wait and stay involved. He would want what’s best for you, even if that means it will be difficult for him. This kind of manipulation serves only one purpose, to keep you happy right where you are - because that’s what he wants! And you, just fell for it again… 

That is what I need to make clear! What is he planning? What action is he taking? Show me action not words! 

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

That is what I need to make clear! What is he planning? What action is he taking? Show me action not words! 

His lack of action is his action. It is his decision. You just haven’t accepted that - yet.

Women say this all the time on this board — he just needs to make a decision!! He has made a decision, he wants his marriage AND another woman on the side. Just because it’s not the decision you want him to make, doesn’t mean he hasn’t made a decision. He has things the way he wants them right now - if he didn’t, he would make a different decision! 

Edited July 14, 2021 by BaileyB

[Starswillshine]

Tool= is about the nicest thing I can think to call a cheater who is stringing along another woman. 

You held onto this hope that the reason he is cheating and not leaving his wife is because he is conflict avoidant. You went as far as to tell him about so he can read up on it. Im guessing so he can have a light bulb moment and realize what has happened and then run to you. Except that only gave him an excuse. 

You still refuse to understand that this conflict avoidance extends to you. Of course he was going to tell you that yes, he believes you are right about falling in love 11 months ago. Obviously you would be extremely angry if he ever said, "nah. You're just fun to text to give something new around here." He will absolutely feed you everything you want to hear. 

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Tool= is about the nicest thing I can think to call a cheater who is stringing along another woman. 

You held onto this hope that the reason he is cheating and not leaving his wife is because he is conflict avoidant. You went as far as to tell him about so he can read up on it. Im guessing so he can have a light bulb moment and realize what has happened and then run to you. Except that only gave him an excuse. 

You still refuse to understand that this conflict avoidance extends to you. Of course he was going to tell you that yes, he believes you are right about falling in love 11 months ago. Obviously you would be extremely angry if he ever said, "nah. You're just fun to text to give something new around here." He will absolutely feed you everything you want to hear. 

😪