Starswillshine Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Myabee said: 😪 I hate being so harsh and direct. It took my friends yelling at me constantly and some harsh words from forums to make me wake up. It would take a few days of confusion after speaking to my xH. I wanted to believe his words. So I understand why you ate holding onto those things. The other thing is... you would not say something if you didn't feel it, so you have trouble understanding why someone would say that if they truly didn't mean it. Maybe he does love you, maybe he is in love with you. But.... what is he willing to do about it? Does that truly change anything if he is unwilling to divorce and move to you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
LostinLove2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Myabee said: The problem is deep down I don't want too.😪 I am pretty much in your same situation and don’t want to either, but we have to. Read it again, WE have to. I’m at the exact same point you are, except I've invested 3.5 years already. Don’t do what I did. It only makes it harder. We don’t want to let go, but for our sanity, we need to. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 21 minutes ago, Myabee said: We are both in our 50's and not at a point in life to play games. This is exactly the time of life where playing games is prevalent. Many many posting here about affairs, are in their 50s... Reality is men in their 50's rarely leave of their own volition, they have far too much to lose. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 17 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is exactly the time of life where playing games is prevalent. Many many posting here about affairs, are in their 50s... Reality is men in their 50's rarely leave of their own volition, they have far too much to lose. 🤢🤢🤢🤢 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 20 minutes ago, LostinLove2 said: I am pretty much in your same situation and don’t want to either, but we have to. Read it again, WE have to. I’m at the exact same point you are, except I've invested 3.5 years already. Don’t do what I did. It only makes it harder. We don’t want to let go, but for our sanity, we need to. I'm sooo sorry! I feel your pain. This is difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Myabee said: I realize all of this. He is having a very difficult time acting this way and feeling this way knowing he is committed to her. I truly feel he is not lying to me. We are both in our 50's and not at a point in life to play games. Each is thinking long term as to who they want to grow old with. We both feel like you grow old with your best friend. We are best friends. This is all very upsetting. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're projecting. Oh, and btw, while Mr. Wonderful and yourself are worried about your future, he's lying to his wife and making her believe they will be together "'til death do us part". Every time he kisses her, tells her he loves her, every time they sleep together cuddle, go out etc., he is reinforcing that belief. I am not saying that to garner pity/empathy for his wife- you don't have any, otherwise you wouldn't be in hot pursuit of her husband- but to show you that he can't be trusted. I don't know about you, but it really says a lot about a person that they can continue to lie, day after day, with no scruples. One can label this sort of behaviour using which ever psychobabble term they wish, but it doesn't change anything. He is someone who clearly has no problem lying and hurting others as a means to an end. What in hell's half acre makes you thin he isn't/won't do the same to you? 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 24 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Reality is men in their 50's rarely leave of their own volition, they have far too much to lose. They also have too much to lose by not leaving, **if** it’s what they really want. This dude, I’m not sure. My H was in his 50s when he left xBW for a FTR with me. My father divorced my mother when he took early retirement at 55, to be with his love. I know several former colleagues who did the same, at a similar age (not the retiring bit; just the leaving, to be with their GFs). What they had in common was a looking in the mirror and a lack of recognition of who they’d become; a determination to change their trajectory while they still had the time; a burning desire to live out their “golden years” in happiness rather than misery. What they also had in common was an awareness of time being fleeting; a knowledge that if they did not act *then*, it would be too late. They saw that, and acted. This dude, he does the talk, but not the walk. If he was serious, he’d be doing something. He has no kids, so he could walk tomorrow. If he was conflicted about leaving, he’d be in counselling, and would have broached the possibility of leaving to the BW, his family, his friends. He would be signalling to the universe that he’s on the brink of something momentous, if not actually physically taking the plunge… but instead, all this dude does is whine to his OW… and hide behind the excuse of being conflict avoidant. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 37 minutes ago, Starswillshine said: I hate being so harsh and direct. It took my friends yelling at me constantly and some harsh words from forums to make me wake up. It would take a few days of confusion after speaking to my xH. I wanted to believe his words. So I understand why you ate holding onto those things. The other thing is... you would not say something if you didn't feel it, so you have trouble understanding why someone would say that if they truly didn't mean it. Maybe he does love you, maybe he is in love with you. But.... what is he willing to do about it? Does that truly change anything if he is unwilling to divorce and move to you? The word love really has little meaning. People say they "love" someone and turn right around and hurt them in the worst way. That's so unhealthy-if that's "love", they can keep it to themselves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said: I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you're projecting. Oh, and btw, while Mr. Wonderful and yourself are worried about your future, he's lying to his wife and making her believe they will be together "'til death do us part". Every time he kisses her, tells her he loves her, every time they sleep together cuddle, go out etc., he is reinforcing that belief. I am not saying that to garner pity/empathy for his wife- you don't have any, otherwise you wouldn't be in hot pursuit of her husband- but to show you that he can't be trusted. I don't know about you, but it really says a lot about a person that they can continue to lie, day after day, with no scruples. One can label this sort of behaviour using which ever psychobabble term they wish, but it doesn't change anything. He is someone who clearly has no problem lying and hurting others as a means to an end. What in hell's half acre makes you thin he isn't/won't do the same to you? He does not kiss her, cuddle her or have any intimacy at all, And yes I agree lying is bad and not ethical at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 minutes ago, Myabee said: He does not kiss her, cuddle her or have any intimacy at all, And yes I agree lying is bad and not ethical at all. You know this because he tells you? 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 minute ago, Myabee said: He does not kiss her, cuddle her or have any intimacy at all What are your sources, for this information? I’m not saying it’s not so - it happens in plenty of marriages - but I am asking about the trustworthiness of your sources. If you’re hearing this only from a single source, it may not be correct. If you’re hearing it consistently from multiple sources, it is more likely to be reliable. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 minute ago, Myabee said: He does not kiss her, cuddle her or have any intimacy at all, And yes I agree lying is bad and not ethical at all. How can you possibly know? He lives 3000 miles away I thought... 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 With friends like that......... This guy is a confirmed liar and cheater. Having him in your life helps to prevent you from finding someone that you can actually have a 'real' relationship with. He hurts you over and over. Every single time you see or talk to him it hurts you somehow. You know he leaves you to go back to his wife. He is a known liar and is probably lying about his relationship with her. Don't believe a word. This guy is bad for you. Period. Drop him. Be strong. Find the strength to quit cold turkey. Or don't - and waste years of your life with a small part of someone and a small part of a relationship instead of a real one. Even if this guy left his wife you could never trust him and be happy with him long term (yes, it has happened a few times in history, but often their story is not completely written yet). The choice is yours. Pain now and happiness later or lots of pain the whole time/longer and never having a 'real' relationship. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pumpernickel Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 40 minutes ago, Prudence V said: My H was in his 50s when he left xBW for a FTR with me. Happened to me as well. I don’t think it’s frequent, but it happens. I also don’t think it’s age-related (when they say men in their 50s don’t leave etc etc) - younger men are more likely to still have kids in the house, so there’s that, and it makes it less likely that they’d leave (they then say “let’s wait until the kids are in college”). You never know. I am just curious about the we are best friends statement. If true, this is a powerful connection, but if it’s just a platitude, it means nothing. The affair has been going on less than a year? When/how did this strong friendship aspect develop? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 I would say now that he's had his little epiphany, ask him if he's ready to end his marriage and set up house and home with you. Be sure to establish a timeframe with benchmarks: dates he'll: break the news to spouse, file with court, move out, etc. If he goes happily along with this (and backs it up with corresponding action!), you'll have your answer. If he doesn't, you'll also have your answer. Whatever you do, don't fall back into the same old patterns as before. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) Older men rarely leave of their own volition, Some get kicked out by the wife, and some will leave due to abuse suffered, or if there is mental illness in their spouse which makes staying difficult and moving on to another partner a bit of a relief..MM will often go to where their bread is best buttered and for MM with assets and pensions and nest eggs, splitting it all down the middle can be just too much... A poor MM with a rich OW may see an opportunity and run with it... Edited July 14, 2021 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, Myabee said: This is all very upsetting. It may be better to charge him $250.00/Hr. than waste time on free marriage therapy (most of which is the "wife doesn't understand me" lie anyway). Alternatively, use your time effectively. Volunteer. Get to the gym. Get a side hustle. Join some clubs and groups. Take some courses and classes, learn something new. Go to therapy to talk to an honest person about your woes. Yes, it's easy to sit at a distance and commiserate about lousy spouses, but you are going down a rabbit hole. Edited July 14, 2021 by Wiseman2 3 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Myabee said: I realize all of this. He is having a very difficult time acting this way and feeling this way knowing he is committed to her. I truly feel he is not lying to me. We are both in our 50's and not at a point in life to play games. Each is thinking long term as to who they want to grow old with. We both feel like you grow old with your best friend. We are best friends. This is all very upsetting. Dear OP, if you think being in you're 50's means you are beyond games, you would be wrong. I am in my 50's as was my AP. Read my threads. I had no doubt his feelings and desire to be with me were real. Do you think I as right? HINT: we are no longer together. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 I'm sorry to hear this. Someone did point out in one of your earlier threads that thinking of him as a friend was flawed and it's sadly true. If he was half the friend he should be he never would have brought you into his mess or continued to reach out to you. The most insidious part of all is the lies he tells himself in order to get away with what he does or splitting his time, affections or loyalties. I think you can move on but only if you want to and once you break the cycle of thinking he's a "friend" or someone you have something so special with. From his actions, he is not so special at all. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 3 hours ago, Prudence V said: They also have too much to lose by not leaving, **if** it’s what they really want. This dude, I’m not sure. My H was in his 50s when he left xBW for a FTR with me. My father divorced my mother when he took early retirement at 55, to be with his love. I know several former colleagues who did the same, at a similar age (not the retiring bit; just the leaving, to be with their GFs). What they had in common was a looking in the mirror and a lack of recognition of who they’d become; a determination to change their trajectory while they still had the time; a burning desire to live out their “golden years” in happiness rather than misery. What they also had in common was an awareness of time being fleeting; a knowledge that if they did not act *then*, it would be too late. They saw that, and acted. This dude, he does the talk, but not the walk. If he was serious, he’d be doing something. He has no kids, so he could walk tomorrow. If he was conflicted about leaving, he’d be in counselling, and would have broached the possibility of leaving to the BW, his family, his friends. He would be signalling to the universe that he’s on the brink of something momentous, if not actually physically taking the plunge… but instead, all this dude does is whine to his OW… and hide behind the excuse of being conflict avoidant. Yessss! He is on the brink. He said its time to unpack the boxes I locked in the closet. I need personal therapy and I'm signing up. Now lets see if that happens. If it does then good for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 5 hours ago, Myabee said: It looks like we can't seem to quit one another. This is a defeatist attitude, one that absolves you from taking responsibility for your own actions. You have agency over your own choices, therefore if you didn't want to deal with this guy you wouldn't. It allows you to look at this relationship as "special" and "fated" with your rose-colored glasses...like you were destined to be together but gosh darn it a wife is in the way. Also, when I read "we're in our 50s, beyond playing games," my immediate thought was: "this guy is in his 50s, he knows EXACTLY how to play the game." You cannot fully understand what he is doing or thinking because he is not a reliable source...and that is okay. Because you can turn your focus on YOU, not him and why he does what he does. Why waste so much mental energy on him? Now the good news is that you can start NC anew today! Block everything, delete apps and work on healing and growing stronger. You can do it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 1 hour ago, glows said: I'm sorry to hear this. Someone did point out in one of your earlier threads that thinking of him as a friend was flawed and it's sadly true. If he was half the friend he should be he never would have brought you into his mess or continued to reach out to you. The most insidious part of all is the lies he tells himself in order to get away with what he does or splitting his time, affections or loyalties. I think you can move on but only if you want to and once you break the cycle of thinking he's a "friend" or someone you have something so special with. From his actions, he is not so special at all. I think he is special however he needs his own self improvement heck we all do. I think he has been hurting a long time and I might be the person who opened up his eyes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 14, 2021 Author Share Posted July 14, 2021 2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said: Happened to me as well. I don’t think it’s frequent, but it happens. I also don’t think it’s age-related (when they say men in their 50s don’t leave etc etc) - younger men are more likely to still have kids in the house, so there’s that, and it makes it less likely that they’d leave (they then say “let’s wait until the kids are in college”). You never know. I am just curious about the we are best friends statement. If true, this is a powerful connection, but if it’s just a platitude, it means nothing. The affair has been going on less than a year? When/how did this strong friendship aspect develop? How did it start? I had him on my social media and during lock in I was going through saying hi to people I had added like 10 years ago and never reached out too. He was one of those people. It started 100% innocent. We did however form an immediate connection and became best friends. He is truly my best friend and it's not a delusion. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 10 minutes ago, Myabee said: I think he has been hurting a long time and I might be the person who opened up his eyes. You can't truly be this naive.... 3 minutes ago, Myabee said: He is truly my best friend and it's not a delusion. No doubt he is YOUR best friend. But I would not say he is a friend to you. I know, I know, blah blah, your affair is different, and he is special, etc... but let's look at the facts, you are separated by 3,000 miles AND he has a WIFE. You can continue down this path of wasting more time.... or you can cut your loses, deal with the end of your own marriage (I think there is a lot here... you have separated from your husband and leaning on this guy who makes you feel special because no doubt you are lonely), and get on with being free and single for someone TRULY special to come along and treat you as you deserve. Not some side peice who lives on the other side of the country. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 14, 2021 Share Posted July 14, 2021 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Myabee said: I had him on my social media and during lock in I was going through saying hi to people I had added like 10 years ago and never reached out too. He was one of those people. You are not the first person to say this recently. Sadly, I think there were many lonely people scrolling through their Facebook and reaching out to reconnect with old friends during the long down… and I from rarely, there were others who were perhaps lonely/perhaps only too willing to exploit the opportunity that fortuitously presented itself… Edited July 14, 2021 by BaileyB 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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