do they actually leave?

[BaileyB]

30 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I think he has been hurting a long time and I might be the person who opened up his eyes. 

I believe what you mean to say is - you had been hurting and he was the person who opened your eyes… 

[Pumpernickel]

32 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

separated by 3,000 miles

Oh – @Myabee have you guys met in person during those 11 months? 

What makes you feel like he's your best friend? Is this feeling mutual? I wonder if there's only a friendship aspect here, or an emotional affair aspect, or a sexual aspect. Or is it a combination of those?
I can't tell. 

 

50 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yessss! He is on the brink. 

On the brink is too little. 
That should not be enough for you. Demand more! 

I think you started out well with your NC attempt. At least keep it up until he goes to counseling. 

[Myabee]

49 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I believe what you mean to say is - you had been hurting and he was the person who opened your eyes… 

I think it was a two way street! I was already seperated before reaching out to just say hi to an old friend. In all our convos, I believed we both made personal discoveries.  

[Myabee]

35 minutes ago, Pumpernickel said:

Oh – @Myabee have you guys met in person during those 11 months? 

What makes you feel like he's your best friend? Is this feeling mutual? I wonder if there's only a friendship aspect here, or an emotional affair aspect, or a sexual aspect. Or is it a combination of those?
I can't tell. 

 

On the brink is too little. 
That should not be enough for you. Demand more! 

I think you started out well with your NC attempt. At least keep it up until he goes to counseling. 

We did meet in person end of May and it went real well. Yes the best friend feeling is very mutual. We have a combination if it all. I meant on the brink meaning he knows he needs counseling. I do agree nc would be best however I'm weak in that area i love to chat with him. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

You can't truly be this naive.... 

 

No doubt he is YOUR best friend. But I would not say he is a friend to you. 

 

I know, I know, blah blah, your affair is different, and he is special, etc... but let's look at the facts, you are separated by 3,000 miles AND he has a WIFE. You can continue down this path of wasting more time.... or you can cut your loses, deal with the end of your own marriage (I think there is a lot here... you have separated from your husband and leaning on this guy who makes you feel special because no doubt you are lonely), and get on with being free and single for someone TRULY special to come along and treat you as you deserve. Not some side peice who lives on the other side of the country. 

No the best friend feeling is mutual. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I think he is special however he needs his own self improvement heck we all do. I think he has been hurting a long time and I might be the person who opened up his eyes. 

Let's go back to the first post of this thread where you mentioned you don't know what to do? It seems you do know what to do but are confused because of your feelings for him. Those feelings, realistically, won't fade and any sound sense to break things off won't quite surface for as long as you keep contacting each other or speaking on the phone. Doing that keeps that hope and fantasy alive for you.

If you both had some personal realizations and found friendship, I do believe you. Yet, at what cost and to what end? Contributing to the demise of a marriage, adding to your sadness and stress over a situation not actually being with this man. You have him but some shadow of him. He is but a wisp of something, possibly just a husk of the man he used to be when his wife first met him too. At such a far distance and being the Other Woman how at all does this equate to anything tangible or rewarding? 

So much at the heart of this is perception and perceiving what he is , or rather, what he is to you.. which is wispy and shadowy compared to the real thing of having a healthy and live , in-person relationship with someone who's available. Have you experienced this before? I ask this genuinely because it can change your perception too. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

Let's go back to the first post of this thread where you mentioned you don't know what to do? It seems you do know what to do but are confused because of your feelings for him. Those feelings, realistically, won't fade and any sound sense to break things off won't quite surface for as long as you keep contacting each other or speaking on the phone. Doing that keeps that hope and fantasy alive for you.

If you both had some personal realizations and found friendship, I do believe you. Yet, at what cost and to what end? Contributing to the demise of a marriage, adding to your sadness and stress over a situation not actually being with this man. You have him but some shadow of him. He is but a wisp of something, possibly just a husk of the man he used to be when his wife first met him too. At such a far distance and being the Other Woman how at all does this equate to anything tangible or rewarding? 

So much at the heart of this is perception and perceiving what he is , or rather, what he is to you.. which is wispy and shadowy compared to the real thing of having a healthy and live , in-person relationship with someone who's available. Have you experienced this before? I ask this genuinely because it can change your perception too. 

Thank you

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I would say now that he's had his little epiphany, ask him if he's ready to end his marriage and set up house and home with you. Be sure to establish a timeframe with benchmarks: dates he'll: break the news to spouse, file with court, move out, etc.

If he goes happily along with this (and backs it up with corresponding action!), you'll have your answer. If he doesn't, you'll also have your answer. Whatever you do, don't fall back into the same old patterns as before. 

This is very very good advice! Thank you for looking at this in a positive way yet powerful way too. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

You are not the first person to say this recently. Sadly, I think there were many lonely people scrolling through their Facebook and reaching out to reconnect with old friends during the long down… and I from rarely, there were others who were perhaps lonely/perhaps only too willing to exploit the opportunity that fortuitously presented itself…

I bet! 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Bittersweetie said:

This is a defeatist attitude, one that absolves you from taking responsibility for your own actions. You have agency over your own choices, therefore if you didn't want to deal with this guy you wouldn't. It allows you to look at this relationship as "special" and "fated" with your rose-colored glasses...like you were destined to be together but gosh darn it a wife is in the way.

Also, when I read "we're in our 50s, beyond playing games," my immediate thought was: "this guy is in his 50s, he knows EXACTLY how to play the game." You cannot fully understand what he is doing or thinking because he is not a reliable source...and that is okay. Because you can turn your focus on YOU, not him and why he does what he does. Why waste so much mental energy on him? 

Now the good news is that you can start NC anew today! Block everything, delete apps and work on healing and growing stronger. You can do it.

No! First of all one of the main reasons I made the choice to start the road to ending my marriage was because I could not see myself retiring with him. People change this is not some mid life crisis. When you get into 50's iin my opinion you really are looking for that companion with whom you can communicate well with, is your best friend, have solid common interests. These are the years medical things can crop up at least in my mind anyway more so then when younger. To me and to MM as both agreed we had spouses that were not meeting many needs and the compatibility is/ was no longer there. Sorry but you can think that all you want about playing games in your 50's however, thats not the mentality both this MM and myself share.      

[pepperbird2]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

He does not kiss her, cuddle her or have any intimacy at all, And yes I agree lying is bad and not ethical at all.  

So you agree that lying is bad and unethical, yet you fully support him doing so and tacitly encourage it by enabling him to cheat on his wife? You don't strike me as someone who wold think that was an okay, or even marginally acceptable, way to behave. Why do you accept it in him?


As for the intimacy, unless you have heard this from HER, you have absolutely no idea if this is true or not.

[pepperbird2]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

You can't truly be this naive.... 

 

No doubt he is YOUR best friend. But I would not say he is a friend to you. 

 

I know, I know, blah blah, your affair is different, and he is special, etc... but let's look at the facts, you are separated by 3,000 miles AND he has a WIFE. You can continue down this path of wasting more time.... or you can cut your loses, deal with the end of your own marriage (I think there is a lot here... you have separated from your husband and leaning on this guy who makes you feel special because no doubt you are lonely), and get on with being free and single for someone TRULY special to come along and treat you as you deserve. Not some side peice who lives on the other side of the country. 

This affair is easy for him. All he has to do is toss a few compliments and kind words, and the OP falls in line. He doesn't even have to spend time with her- in a way, she's a free, online therapist for him. 

[pepperbird2]

53 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No! First of all one of the main reasons I made the choice to start the road to ending my marriage was because I could not see myself retiring with him. People change this is not some mid life crisis. When you get into 50's iin my opinion you really are looking for that companion with whom you can communicate well with, is your best friend, have solid common interests. These are the years medical things can crop up at least in my mind anyway more so then when younger. To me and to MM as both agreed we had spouses that were not meeting many needs and the compatibility is/ was no longer there. Sorry but you can think that all you want about playing games in your 50's however, thats not the mentality both this MM and myself share.      

oh OP, this is so sad!
You project your sense of sadness and emptiness on to him, and assume that because you feel that way, so does he. You don't even really know this guy- all you know is the image he has carefully and selectively cultivated. It reminds me of the way marketeers use search engine optimization to get noticed. Certain key words tend to be found in many affairs..."my spouse doesn't understand me", "we're just room mates". "we're separated by staying together for the kids".
The trouble with key words is they realy are meaningless. What matters is the content, not the marketing. look behind the words...
e.g.- a MM says his wife is controlling could really be saying "I've given my wife lots of reasons to not trust me. ".
Never take a MM words at face value.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This affair is easy for him. All he has to do is toss a few compliments and kind words, and the OP falls in line. He doesn't even have to spend time with her- in a way, she's a free, online therapist for him. 

Not playing therapist anymore! He is finding one! Made that clear! Geezum. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

oh OP, this is so sad!
You project your sense of sadness and emptiness on to him, and assume that because you feel that way, so does he. You don't even really know this guy- all you know is the image he has carefully and selectively cultivated. It reminds me of the way marketeers use search engine optimization to get noticed. Certain key words tend to be found in many affairs..."my spouse doesn't understand me", "we're just room mates". "we're separated by staying together for the kids".
The trouble with key words is they realy are meaningless. What matters is the content, not the marketing. look behind the words...
e.g.- a MM says his wife is controlling could really be saying "I've given my wife lots of reasons to not trust me. ".
Never take a MM words at face value.

Don't know him? I've known him for 30 years. We have been sharing full life details for almost a year now and meet in person in May. I guess he is all imagined then right? 🤔

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

This affair is easy for him. All he has to do is toss a few compliments and kind words, and the OP falls in line. He doesn't even have to spend time with her- in a way, she's a free, online therapist for him. 

No! It's much more then any kind of compliment!

[Myabee]

17 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

So you agree that lying is bad and unethical, yet you fully support him doing so and tacitly encourage it by enabling him to cheat on his wife? You don't strike me as someone who wold think that was an okay, or even marginally acceptable, way to behave. Why do you accept it in him?


As for the intimacy, unless you have heard this from HER, you have absolutely no idea if this is true or not.

He's clearly lost.

[PhoenixRising8]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Don't know him? I've known him for 30 years. We have been sharing full life details for almost a year now and meet in person in May. I guess he is all imagined then right? 

You hadn't been in touch for years and only reconnected in the last year or so.  The person you knew years ago is different from the one today.  We all grow, develop and change over time.  That's just reality.  The person you know today is the person he shows you, which may or may not be the real one.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

 To me and to MM as both agreed we had spouses that were not meeting many needs and the compatibility is/ was no longer there. 

He seems safe and comfortable , like your favorite old slippers after a rough divorce and the brutal world of OLD out there.

The only problem is you had a spouse, he has a spouse.

Edited July 14, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems safe and comfortable , like your favorite old slippers after a rough divorce and the brutal world of OLD out there.

The only problem is you had a spouse, he has a spouse.

Yes! Safe, comfortable, funny, smart, same interests and future goals. Work through conflict well together always thinking similar. He is unhappy with himself and spouse he admits that. He needs to make his changes take action. 

[pepperbird2]

11 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Don't know him? I've known him for 30 years. We have been sharing full life details for almost a year now and meet in person in May. I guess he is all imagined then right? 🤔

madam,

remember all those PSAs that warned kids not to trust what they are told online?
|We adults need to keep that in mind too. You claim you have known him for decades, yet you even say yourself you only reached out to him when the covid lockdowns came in.
That means , no, you don't know him. What you know is memories form the past and his words from the present, which are chosen to cultivate a certain  image.  That you met up with him in May again means nothing.

If you really want to see if he's on the up and up, tell him you're going to call his wife and then actually do it. tell her what he's been up to with you, give her ALL the details. If he wants to be with you like you say, he'll be happy, as his marriage may well fall apart and he'll come running to your arms.

Go ahead- I double dog dare you to do this. I know this sounds mean of me to say to you, but I just hate seeing someone with a loving heart be lied to and led along by someone who is as dishonest as he is.

Edited July 14, 2021 by pepperbird2

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, pepperbird2 said:

madam,

remember all those PSAs that warned kids not to trust what they are told online?
|We adults need to keep that in mind too. You claim you have known him for decades, yet you even say yourself you only reached out to him when the covid lockdowns came in.
That means , no, you don't know him. What you know is memories form the past and his words from the present, which is chosen to cultivate a certain  image.  That you met up with him in May again means nothing.

If you really want to see if he's on the up and up, tell him you're going to call his wife and then actually do it. tell her what he's been up to with you, give her ALL the details. If he wants to be with you like you say, he'll be happy, as his marriage may well fall apart and he'll come running to your arms.

Go ahead- I double dog dare you to do this. I know this sounds mean of me to say to you, but I just hate seeing someone with a loving heart be lied to and led along by someone who is as dishonest as he is.

I don't think me calling the wife is a good idea. Time will tell if he leaves or stays. In the now I will invest more time on myself and let him go do the work he needs. If he comes back around with a solid choice, papers and proof that he is done with her, then we may have a future to talk about. For now i think I will try to be a friend just sorta floating out there. I will never go back to the way things were. 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, PhoenixRising8 said:

You hadn't been in touch for years and only reconnected in the last year or so.  The person you knew years ago is different from the one today.  We all grow, develop and change over time.  That's just reality.  The person you know today is the person he shows you, which may or may not be the real one.

Yes phonenix you are right. Now I think time will reveal the real him. 

[pepperbird2]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I don't think me calling the wife is a good idea. Time will tell if he leaves or stays. In the now I will invest more time on myself and let him go do the work he needs. If he comes back around with a solid choice, papers and proof that he is done with her, then we may have a future to talk about. For now i think I will try to be a friend just sorta floating out there. I will never go back to the way things were. 

 I'm not saying that's not your intent, just that if you leave the door open even just  crack, he'll likely do his best to push his way in.

[Myabee]

Just now, pepperbird2 said:

 I'm not saying that's not your intent, just that if you leave the door open even just  crack, he'll likely do his best to push his way in.

He might. It is sounding like he needs to help himself with therapy. I do think i was partly a therapist (highly untrained one) here for months. 😬