do they actually leave?

[mark clemson]

Seems to me that if you are 100% honest with yourself, he's no different now than he was 2 months ago (or whenever) when you were happy to be in an affair/potentially have a relationship with him.

All that's changed is that you've decided to cut bait and so now you are making him "less" in your own mind as a form of "justification" for your decision. But he was never less OR more, just what he always was - what you accepted then is pretty much exactly what you are rejecting now.

People frequently do this at the end of relationships (normal ones as well as affairs). They "downgrade" the former partner/lover. This is a psychological defense mechanism. It's useful to understand this for your own self-awareness and generally to prevent excess "friction" when relationships end. Humans tend to be serial monogamists, so the vast majority of relationships end. That is in reality perfectly normal and not particularly a reflection on you OR your "worth". You have had other men before and you will have new ones in the future. There is therefore no real reason to downgrade a former partner's "worth" in your own mind.

Edited August 11, 2021 by mark clemson

[Myabee]

37 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Seems to me that if you are 100% honest with yourself, he's no different now than he was 2 months ago (or whenever) when you were happy to be in an affair/potentially have a relationship with him.

All that's changed is that you've decided to cut bait and so now you are making him "less" in your own mind as a form of "justification" for your decision. But he was never less OR more, just what he always was - what you accepted then is pretty much exactly what you are rejecting now.

People frequently do this at the end of relationships (normal ones as well as affairs). They "downgrade" the former partner/lover. This is a psychological defense mechanism. It's useful to understand this for your own self-awareness and generally to prevent excess "friction" when relationships end. Humans tend to be serial monogamists, so the vast majority of relationships end. That is in reality perfectly normal and not particularly a reflection on you OR your "worth". You have had other men before and you will have new ones in the future. There is therefore no real reason to downgrade a former partner's "worth" in your own mind.

Yes. He was no different until he came back from the camping trip telling me that was it. He could not see a future with her but more of one with me. Then the FWB started back up and I realized NO! This is what he wants me to be a side dish and just stay the exact way he is in his happy and content one day marriage then the next day not sure about it. Enough. I have more self worth then to cave into his games. This is how I feel.  

[Myabee]

15 hours ago, NYAG said:

I mean, this IS the standard requirement from almost every MM. Us APs are always the distraction, until we're not.

True. I'm still reeling over the fact that my final message was I refuse to text a MM. 🥺

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

 He could not see a future with her but more of one with me. Then the FWB started back up and I realized NO! This is what he wants me to be a side dish and just stay the exact way he is in his happy and content one day marriage then the next day not sure about it. Enough.

I see. Yes, I suspect your PA and overall situation was (emotionally) stressful enough. It's definitely true that you shouldn't have to put up with too much "waffling" (or pipe-dreaming, or future-faking, whichever it was) if it bothers you. Relationships (generally, incl. affairs) are hard enough as it is.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

I see. Yes, I suspect your PA and overall situation was (emotionally) stressful enough. It's definitely true that you shouldn't have to put up with too much "waffling" (or pipe-dreaming, or future-faking, whichever it was) if it bothers you. Relationships (generally, incl. affairs) are hard enough as it is.

All I know is we can't be friends anymore and that sucks. But thats what this is. He has been using me to get his sexual thrills and to tell me all the things he cant tell her. I keep it at friends then its meeting his needs of a sneaky married man who is to scared or lazy to fix his situation. See what I'm saying?  

 

i did send this. 

 

We can't be friends on text at all. At least you got what you wanted as far as figuring out your life which is a good thing for you. 

 

zero reply back 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Myabee

[Luna66star]

I'm sorry you are dealing with MM bull.  I can relate.  You can only see the true reality of the situation by living through it.

You can now see how he's played you to the max and it's a bit humiliating.  However, it's HIM who should never encouraged a FWB and  crossed the line.  They are very good manipulators and actors.  We fall for their charm not realizing their intentions are simply to get us into bed.  It looks like at first they are really interested in us and it's so darn flattering! Our ego is boosted from his attention!  I felt that way.  They are always texting, around, giving compliments.  Who can resist that?

Point I want to make is that MM will always keep it casual.  Very casual.  We're not taken seriously or valued at all.  Our core is shaken to the bone.  We wake up one day and realize how we've been played.  

Please don't get the urge to keep communicating with him, even to chew him out.  It will show him how much you care and are under his control.  

Like you said, he only wants the ego boosted and to know he's "wanted" by other women. That's all.  Especially if the wife has other priorities.  It's not about us.  

Take charge of your life, move on and start dating single guys.  MM is not worth your time.  Don't reply to any more of his crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Myabee]

29 minutes ago, Luna66star said:

I'm sorry you are dealing with MM bull.  I can relate.  You can only see the true reality of the situation by living through it.

You can now see how he's played you to the max and it's a bit humiliating.  However, it's HIM who should never encouraged a FWB and  crossed the line.  They are very good manipulators and actors.  We fall for their charm not realizing their intentions are simply to get us into bed.  It looks like at first they are really interested in us and it's so darn flattering! Our ego is boosted from his attention!  I felt that way.  They are always texting, around, giving compliments.  Who can resist that?

Point I want to make is that MM will always keep it casual.  Very casual.  We're not taken seriously or valued at all.  Our core is shaken to the bone.  We wake up one day and realize how we've been played.  

Please don't get the urge to keep communicating with him, even to chew him out.  It will show him how much you care and are under his control.  

Like you said, he only wants the ego boosted and to know he's "wanted" by other women. That's all.  Especially if the wife has other priorities.  It's not about us.  

Take charge of your life, move on and start dating single guys.  MM is not worth your time.  Don't reply to any more of his crap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you. Yes this is humiliating and now I am dealing with anger. Anger because I lost a once old friend that turned into wanting to play a game because his wife does not give him any sex and he can't share with her like he can share with me. I have been highly manipulated by a guy that I truly thought was not one of those guys. The false hope, all of the back and forth it all adds up now. I'm starting to wonder how many others he has done this with? I think in his head he still thinks we can be friends. Umm no! The friendship ended soon after it began when boundaries were crossed. Towards the end here I was so tired of all the bs he was feeding me about one day he is happy in his marriage then add a few days and back to unhappy. He is 3000 freaking miles away and I let this shake me to the core. No more. I'm so angry and feel so used. 

[glows]

5 hours ago, Myabee said:

Thank you. Yes this is humiliating and now I am dealing with anger. Anger because I lost a once old friend that turned into wanting to play a game because his wife does not give him any sex and he can't share with her like he can share with me. I have been highly manipulated by a guy that I truly thought was not one of those guys. The false hope, all of the back and forth it all adds up now. I'm starting to wonder how many others he has done this with? I think in his head he still thinks we can be friends. Umm no! The friendship ended soon after it began when boundaries were crossed. Towards the end here I was so tired of all the bs he was feeding me about one day he is happy in his marriage then add a few days and back to unhappy. He is 3000 freaking miles away and I let this shake me to the core. No more. I'm so angry and feel so used. 

This anger is what propelled you back to him not long ago. At a calmer moment or when you were feeling like you were missing him he pulled you back in. Anger is a healthy emotion within reason and I think you'll find yourself out of this eventually but you can also arm yourself a bit better and tell yourself that there will come a time, not far off, when you will miss him quite a lot and have weak moments. What would it take then to stay the course and remain true to yourself? 

Do you have a good support system with you and things that keep you busy? Too much focus on him is not so good. Keep focusing on yourself, your life and what you're doing. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, glows said:

This anger is what propelled you back to him not long ago. At a calmer moment or when you were feeling like you were missing him he pulled you back in. Anger is a healthy emotion within reason and I think you'll find yourself out of this eventually but you can also arm yourself a bit better and tell yourself that there will come a time, not far off, when you will miss him quite a lot and have weak moments. What would it take then to stay the course and remain true to yourself? 

Do you have a good support system with you and things that keep you busy? Too much focus on him is not so good. Keep focusing on yourself, your life and what you're doing. 

I'm not sure anger propelled me back to him at all. We never stopped texting for the past 12 months. I was pulled back in as to the FWB in early July after that camping trip he went on when he told me he had to get his ducks in a row and life was looking much better with me down the line. I should have realized that was bait in which yes I took. Do I have a support system for this? No. Just my mom knows as she remembers him from long ago. Oh and my therapist in which I have been seeing for a few years and who has focused mainly on helping me sort through and leave the unhealthy marriage I had been in. Biggest problem... he was my only friend🥺 I lost some friendships over politics. It's painful right now to not be able to text and share. However, I truly don't know  how I can cope with this. I'm a mix or angry and sad. I miss him when I know I should not. Oh and I have been focusing on myself and it feels like that is not enough😢😢😢

Edited August 12, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

19 hours ago, glows said:

How are you doing so far? Keep writing here if it helps. 

Guess what I did this morning Glow? I deleted him finally from all social media. I did send one final text letting him know that. Added i do not wish to hear from him unless he has a single status. I need to move past this guy. I know it will be hard but it's the right thing to do.  

[Myabee]

A few people suggested I do this. Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide. No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! Should I do it???? 

[heartwhole2]

In your other thread you revealed that you are feeling angry; it sounds like that could be your motivation here.

Look, I do believe that people should know the truth of their lives. But I don't think an angry OW sending a bunch of traumatizing evidence is the way that should happen.

Do you normally go around exposing people's dirty secrets to their loved ones? If not, then this isn't some ethical consideration. It's probably just a way of lashing out at someone you're angry at.

[BlindsidedTwice]

You do not care about his wife. You are not trying to help her. 

You want to keep his attention on you. You want to blow up their life together, with hopes that his W kicks him out so that he’ll chose you.

Am I wrong?

It won’t work like that though. He won’t chose you. He will hate you. He will scramble to try to keep his wife.

Leave them alone. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[SoulCat]

51 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! 

Just because they don't have children, doesn't mean they are not a 'family'.  A family can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

You'll be busting up lives though, for sure. 

[BaileyB]

No offence, but you are far too emotionally unstable right now to make such a serious decision. Give it time and calm down before you make a decision. 

[Miss Spider]

If that will somehow make you feel better about this guy not wanting to see you anymore, I suppose you should go for it…  But I really doubt it will. What I think it will definitely do is solidify his decision that it was a good idea to break it off and make him regret ever knowing you. Also really no guarantee it will “break apart” their relationship. A lot of couples make it through infidelities and actually stronger in some ways . You may actually help them see weakness in the relationship they will reinforce  and then get closer and start their family while you become the jealous crazy chick. I’m just saying it’s a possibility from things I’ve read 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[glows]

That’s good to hear. Mind you, he can still lie. Cheaters lie through their teeth, more often than not. As he’s also 3000km away being single shouldn’t be the only prerequisite. Don’t leave the door open to time wasters like this. I mean this kindly. You’re not doing yourself any favours keeping the door slightly ajar.

[glows]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

A few people suggested I do this. Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide. No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! Should I do it???? 

Mya, you’re upset and angry. I mentioned that anger yesterday potentially doing more harm than good. You’re addicted to the highs of toxic relationships. Now that the MM is not supplying you that toxicity(you deleted him and told him not to contact you) you are looking for another supply. This isn’t it. Take the high road and move on with your life. As I said focus on you. Not him. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

 Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide.

Is it to get him back? Or to hurt him? Are you hoping she divorces him and he comes back to you? 

Perhaps she already knows about it. Even if you tell her and provide evidence, he'll tell her it meant nothing, it was a mistake and that you're a Fatal Attraction case.

Even if she kicks him out, he probably won't come back to you.

So in all case scenarios, whether she already knows, you tell her or she never knows, the end result is the same: You lose. 

Edited August 12, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Timshel]

3 hours ago, Myabee said:

A few people suggested I do this. Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide. No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! Should I do it???? 

Have you told your family and friends that you have had an affair with a married man? You are not a victim. 

[Myabee]

25 minutes ago, Timshel said:

Have you told your family and friends that you have had an affair with a married man? You are not a victim. 

Yes I have told my family and a few friends.

[Myabee]

43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it to get him back? Or to hurt him? Are you hoping she divorces him and he comes back to you? 

Perhaps she already knows about it. Even if you tell her and provide evidence, he'll tell her it meant nothing, it was a mistake and that you're a Fatal Attraction case.

Even if she kicks him out, he probably won't come back to you.

So in all case scenarios, whether she already knows, you tell her or she never knows, the end result is the same: You lose. 

Not to get him back that's for sure. Because if he can lie to me and cheat on her he could do the same to me. I do suppose you are correct though in saying that I mean't nothing and she would believe it. I guess I can't even believe I fell for all the excuses and lies. Sad to realize someone you knew long ago as nice is a flat out snake.  

Edited August 12, 2021 by Myabee

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

No offence, but you are far too emotionally unstable right now to make such a serious decision. Give it time and calm down before you make a decision. 

I would not say unstable... pissed off yes. 

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

You do not care about his wife. You are not trying to help her. 

You want to keep his attention on you. You want to blow up their life together, with hopes that his W kicks him out so that he’ll chose you.

Am I wrong?

It won’t work like that though. He won’t chose you. He will hate you. He will scramble to try to keep his wife.

Leave them alone. 

I don't really care about his wife no. I don't want his attention on me anymore. I'm close to hating him so IDC if he hates me. 

[notbroken]

Take some time and reflect on what you've learned.  Certainly there is no future and/or happiness with dating a married man - and his character is certainly in question if he is having an affair.   Don't go back with him no matter what.   Personally, I would want to know if I was the wife but it will only add more drama to your life to inform them.