do they actually leave?

[Beentheretoooften]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I would not advise her to tell either, but she is not a liar or a snake if she does tell her surely?

 

Depends if she told him that she would never tell?  If they agreed it would always be a secret, then yes, she should be considered a liar if she tells the W.  Idk the behind the scenes, it just seems she’s not over him, feels cheated and slighted?  No doubt in the long run, the best for all three of them would be for her to not say anything and try to start today to pick up the pieces. 

[glows]

54 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Feeling dispensable is temporary. It's just a feeling albeit a very harsh one. Try to think of all your positive qualities and achievements, and all the times other people (not him) have appreciated your contributions.

Ask yourself what you can give yourself right now to make you feel better. A cup of tea? A good cry? Scream into your pillow? Glass of wine? A hot bath? Walk under the stars? Deep breathing exercises? 

What about watching something funny? Laughter is the best medicine. 

Love this post. ❤️
I completely agree about laughter being the best medicine! 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Feeling dispensable is temporary. It's just a feeling albeit a very harsh one. Try to think of all your positive qualities and achievements, and all the times other people (not him) have appreciated your contributions.

Ask yourself what you can give yourself right now to make you feel better. A cup of tea? A good cry? Scream into your pillow? Glass of wine? A hot bath? Walk under the stars? Deep breathing exercises? 

What about watching something funny? Laughter is the best medicine. 

Thank you. 🥰🥰🥰 I cry good😂 at the moment. 

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, Beentheretoooften said:

Depends if she told him that she would never tell?  If they agreed it would always be a secret, then yes, she should be considered a liar if she tells the W.  Idk the behind the scenes, it just seems she’s not over him, feels cheated and slighted?  No doubt in the long run, the best for all three of them would be for her to not say anything and try to start today to pick up the pieces. 

We had no arrangement not to tell 

[Beentheretoooften]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

We had no arrangement not to tell 

So he went Into this affair and you could tell anyone you wanted?  There was no understanding between the two of you, verbally or not, that it can’t get out? Wow.  If that’s the case, I wonder if he’s told his W yet?  If I asked mm if you two had an understanding that it would stay secret, I wonder what he would say ?

 

 

 

[Luna66star]

I agree with other posters.  Do not create drama and tell the wife.  Understandably, you are angry which is the result of being played.

Does he deserve to be exposed?  Yes.  Will it make you feel better to get some revenge?  Absolutely. 

Telling the wife will make you look like a trouble maker and even a bit psycho. It may feel good in the moment that you revealed this cheater.  But after all is done, you won't feel very good about yourself one bit. I'm speaking from experience, BTW.  MM could very well tell the wife a different tune, that you came on to him or some other elaborate story to portray you as a nut bar.  All to protect himself of course.

I would strongly reconsider this route, take time to grieve and identify lessons learned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, Myabee said:

A few people suggested I do this. Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide. No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! Should I do it???? 

I would never inform a wife. Karma will always sort things out eventually one way or another. Once you open that pandora's box you can't get it back in and it won't make you feel better. Revenge never does.

[Myabee]

8 hours ago, Beentheretoooften said:

So he went Into this affair and you could tell anyone you wanted?  There was no understanding between the two of you, verbally or not, that it can’t get out? Wow.  If that’s the case, I wonder if he’s told his W yet?  If I asked mm if you two had an understanding that it would stay secret, I wonder what he would say ?

 

 

 

Neither of us were looking for this great connection to go anywhere past friend's so i think thats why. I highly doubt he has mentioned me to his wife because he knows now he has cheated on her. He wants to keep it at friends.... and does not seem to understand we can't just be friends not after the feelings and all the rest. Me remaining his friend would be giving him what he wants. A person to chat with, understand him and stroke his ego all while nothing changes in his so called boring marriage that lacks just anout everything. Shes a roomate.  

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, NYAG said:

I would never inform a wife. Karma will always sort things out eventually one way or another. Once you open that pandora's box you can't get it back in and it won't make you feel better. Revenge never does.

I agree! I also believe there will be another woman or has been one before. 

[Timshel]

16 hours ago, Myabee said:

Again I am not in denial of my part. This was my laat text how I left it:

 

So all the way back from last November? Hmmm you know what none of this adds up. Because you see that's not what you said when u came back from your camping trip. I am so shocked that I believed all of these lies. This is classic MM cheating behavior. I was used as a sexual tool and nothing more. And guess what? I would never have a real relationship with a cheater because it's dishonest. How sad. Oh and the medication that will bring you clarity as to if to stay or go in the future? 😂 Wow xx just wow... I want to throw up.  I feel bad for you. Get help for yourself.  

 

13 hours ago, Myabee said:

I don't know her obviously. I do know shes bossy so she probably could be harmful too. All not good. 

 

34 minutes ago, Myabee said:

A person to chat with, understand him and stroke his ego all while nothing changes in his so called boring marriage that lacks just anout everything. Shes a roomate.  

You couldn't possibly know anything about her as fact. Have you begun to understand how you have dehumanized your affair partner's wife and made ridiculously biased assumptions about her and their marriage?

Make an effort to be objective. There is a difference between reality and what you want to believe.

15 hours ago, Myabee said:

How would you purpose I did it if I was going to for sure? My thought was a phone call from a bogus number. Supporting evidence if she wanted it?  

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right Myabee? You and your affair partner are doing what you do and you are angry he dares to go on a trip with his wife. His wife absolutely deserves to know the truth about their marriage. That you should be the person to 'inform' her is highly questionable.

I will diverge at this time from other advice and not discourage you to follow through with the track you have been on. At some point this will all blow up in your face, it might as well be now. If it takes an action of delusion to bring you back to reality and a better life for yourself, so be it.

[pepperbird2]

Op,

it sounds like you're falling into the blame trap. Please don't do that! It's so bad for you- it takes away all your power.

I know it's tempting to blame all of this on the MM, but really, he's no more responsible for "seducing" "luring" or "tempting" you into getting involved with him than you are for "seducing" him. You are both equally responsible for your choices. I'm not saying that to be mean, but because once you stop blaming him, you will paradoxically help yourself. You won't feel like a helpless victim to his crappy behaviour. You'll be in control.

The same is true for his wife. You sound angry at her and like you're blaming her for your pain. Why? What did she do to you that you would blame her for this? As for his description of her and his blaming her for their issues, think of it this way. Who do you think he's blaming for the affair starting in the first place and then really amounting to nothing, even after any promises he made/ Do you think he blames himself, or do you think he blames you? Do you think he has any depth of understanding of why he did what he did, why he hurt you? If your answer is "no"', then what in heck makes you think it's any different with his wife? He's ding with her what he did to you- blaming her for his acations.


You don't deserve to be hurt, his wife doesn't deserve to be hurt, yet he made choices that hurt you both. I don't think you want to tell his wife to help her, you want to tell her so you'll hurt him. The thing is once you do, you can't unring the bell. Give yourself some time and decide then whether or not you really want to tell her and why. Really think about your reasons, what the impact will be and how you will feel afterwards.If you're telling hr out of true concern for her, that's one thing, but to tell her out of spitefulness and vindictiveness, could cause her  such damage, and 'm not getting the vibe off you that's what you really want at heart. If you tel hr for the wrong reasons, you may end up feeling even worse than you do now.

 

 

 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, Timshel said:

 

 

You couldn't possibly know anything about her as fact. Have you begun to understand how you have dehumanized your affair partner's wife and made ridiculously biased assumptions about her and their marriage?

Make an effort to be objective. There is a difference between reality and what you want to believe.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, right Myabee? You and your affair partner are doing what you do and you are angry he dares to go on a trip with his wife. His wife absolutely deserves to know the truth about their marriage. That you should be the person to 'inform' her is highly questionable.

I will diverge at this time from other advice and not discourage you to follow through with the track you have been on. At some point this will all blow up in your face, it might as well be now. If it takes an action of delusion to bring you back to reality and a better life for yourself, so be it.

What do you mean how dare he go on a ttip with his wife? I don't care what he does with her. The camping trip he went on he was offline for 4 days. I get a text when hes back saying he wanted to go back to FWB and that he missed me badly those 4 days and I was all he thought about. Then proceeds to say he needs to figure stuff out and that he would rather  end up with me . This was all a big fat lie.

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

Op,

it sounds like you're falling into the blame trap. Please don't do that! It's so bad for you- it takes away all your power.

I know it's tempting to blame all of this on the MM, but really, he's no more responsible for "seducing" "luring" or "tempting" you into getting involved with him than you are for "seducing" him. You are both equally responsible for your choices. I'm not saying that to be mean, but because once you stop blaming him, you will paradoxically help yourself. You won't feel like a helpless victim to his crappy behaviour. You'll be in control.

The same is true for his wife. You sound angry at her and like you're blaming her for your pain. Why? What did she do to you that you would blame her for this? As for his description of her and his blaming her for their issues, think of it this way. Who do you think he's blaming for the affair starting in the first place and then really amounting to nothing, even after any promises he made/ Do you think he blames himself, or do you think he blames you? Do you think he has any depth of understanding of why he did what he did, why he hurt you? If your answer is "no"', then what in heck makes you think it's any different with his wife? He's ding with her what he did to you- blaming her for his acations.


You don't deserve to be hurt, his wife doesn't deserve to be hurt, yet he made choices that hurt you both. I don't think you want to tell his wife to help her, you want to tell her so you'll hurt him. The thing is once you do, you can't unring the bell. Give yourself some time and decide then whether or not you really want to tell her and why. Really think about your reasons, what the impact will be and how you will feel afterwards.If you're telling hr out of true concern for her, that's one thing, but to tell her out of spitefulness and vindictiveness, could cause her  such damage, and 'm not getting the vibe off you that's what you really want at heart. If you tel hr for the wrong reasons, you may end up feeling even worse than you do now.

 

 

 

No! I'm not mad at her and I do think she deserves to know. From me??? Probably not. I am angry with myself and MM yes that is true. How completely hypocritical of him to still be saying he wants me as a friend? Helloo? We can't be just friends way past that. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Do you know that disgusts me????? 

[BaileyB]

20 minutes ago, Myabee said:

How completely hypocritical of him to still be saying he wants me as a friend? Helloo? We can't be just friends way past that. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Do you know that disgusts me????? 

This is what MM do. Nothing unusual here…

[Timshel]

38 minutes ago, Myabee said:

What do you mean how dare he go on a ttip with his wife? I don't care what he does with her. The camping trip he went on he was offline for 4 days. I get a text when hes back saying he wanted to go back to FWB and that he missed me badly those 4 days and I was all he thought about. Then proceeds to say he needs to figure stuff out and that he would rather  end up with me . This was all a big fat lie.

 

33 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No! I'm not mad at her and I do think she deserves to know. From me??? Probably not. I am angry with myself and MM yes that is true. How completely hypocritical of him to still be saying he wants me as a friend? Helloo? We can't be just friends way past that. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Do you know that disgusts me????? 

Myabee, I think that every poster who has taken time to respond to you has suggested that you have accountability for your own actions. In time, you will also look back and agree that so much focus on this man and his wife, what he does or she does was so much waste of your precious time. If you are ready to move forward, you will need to focus on yourself and your own motivations for volunteering into this untenable situation.

You involved yourself with a married man and are now outraged that he has not gallivanted into bliss with you. That was never a possibility with this man. The universe showed you all the signs and you ignored them all. Figure out why; certainly you are engaged in self destructive behavior and you are also hurting other people. If it is true that you have told your family and friends about this affair (hmm) whether you acknowledge it or not, you have also tested their faith in your judgement.

Your affair partner is a liar, you always knew that. A person doesn't get to say that 'oh he lies to every person but not me.' You can but then you are complicit and silly for thinking you have been above it all.

What are you going to choose for yourself going forward? 

Edited August 13, 2021 by Timshel

[Myabee]

16 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

This is what MM do. Nothing unusual here…

Srsly? That is what they do? Well wth? I mean come on already! 😕

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, Timshel said:

 

Myabee, I think that every poster who has taken time to respond to you has suggested that you have accountability for your own actions. In time, you will also look back and agree that so much focus on this man and his wife, what he does or she does was so much waste of your precious time. If you are ready to move forward, you will need to focus on yourself and your own motivations for volunteering into this untenable situation.

You involved yourself with a married man and are now outraged that he has not gallivanted into bliss with you. That was never a possibility with this man. The universe showed you all the signs and you ignored them all. Figure out why; certainly you are engaged in self destructive behavior and you are also hurting other people. If it is true that you have told your family and friends about this affair (hmm) whether you acknowledge it or not, you have also tested their faith in your judgement.

Your affair partner is a liar, you always knew that. A person doesn't get to say that 'oh he lies to every person but not me.' You can but then you are complicit and silly for thinking you have been above it all.

What are you going to choose for yourself going forward? 

I don't deny my part in this at all. I agree he's a lier. As for the friends and family I told, they are not judgmental of me.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Srsly? That is what they do? Well wth? I mean come on already! 😕

Is this brand-new information to you?

[Starswillshine]

When you engage with a man who is married, you know the guy is a cheater, liar, and a fake. You volunteer to take the risk that you are being played. You sign up for hurt. You cannot be surprised when it happens and set fire to the world. 

You have to look inward and figure out what made you so gullible to believe that a man who is cheating on his wife is truthful to you? 

While the first DDay that happened for me was not due to the OW... the details of the affair came from the OW. I had a panic attack and nearly swallowed a bottle of pills because the info wouldn't stop coming and the delivery was awful.... do not do that to another person when you willingly entered a relationship with her husband and only are mad because it did not go the way you hoped it would go. 

I do always advocate a spouse knowing, but it should come from someone who is caring and gentle in delivery. Not some vindictive OW. 

[pepperbird2]

55 minutes ago, Myabee said:

No! I'm not mad at her and I do think she deserves to know. From me??? Probably not. I am angry with myself and MM yes that is true. How completely hypocritical of him to still be saying he wants me as a friend? Helloo? We can't be just friends way past that. He wants his cake and to eat it too. Do you know that disgusts me????? 

Gently,

you were okay with his "cake eating" when it benefited you.
It sounds to me like you're at the start of a journey that will teach you a lot about yourself, and I wanted to give you a tip f the hat for being brave enough to do so. I never have been myelf.

[pepperbird2]

OP,

I've never been with a married man myself, but like most women, I've certainly had the opportunity.

While this is by no means universal for all married men, the ones I have had the misfortune to be hit on by have always had certain characteristics. They were all either super at compartmentalizing, they felt entitled, they were profoundly wounded by something else and engaging in "self help", they were really childlike,  they were under extreme pressure or they were desperately unhappy with themselves. In all cases, they had very low level of self awareness. ( I used to get it on a lot, lol)

There's  really good examples of what I mean on several popular TV shows. I've been watching the old  "M.A.S.H." series with my kids (it's their summer uni break) and the character of "Frank Burns", at least in the early episodes, really sums up a lot of married men who cheat on their spouses. He "loved" his wife for the financial and emotional security, he "loved" Margaret for passion. The reality was he loved neither, he was using both as crutches rather than addressing the things in his life that made him unhappy. He may have been a fictional character, but there was a lot of truth in it.

 

[RebeccaR]

2 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

The reality was he loved neither, he was using both as crutches rather than addressing the things in his life that made him unhappy.

This is a great insight. To be fair, this is characteristic of many women in affairs too.

[Timshel]

7 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

I've been watching the old  "M.A.S.H." series with my kids (it's their summer uni break) and the character of "Frank Burns", at least in the early episodes, really sums up a lot of married men who cheat on their spouses. He "loved" his wife for the financial and emotional security, he "loved" Margaret for passion. The reality was he loved neither, he was using both as crutches rather than addressing the things in his life that made him unhappy. He may have been a fictional character, but there was a lot of truth in it.

 

M.A.S.H. yes pepperbird! Not to mention that Hawkeye and Trapper made mincemeat out of Frank's spineless dishonesty. Hawkeye (Alan Alda) was a single male don jaun and couldn't tolerate the weakness, greed and deceit that reeked from Frank. Thanks woman for the trip down memory lane. Really ground breaking, moving and funny series.

[Myabee]

43 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

When you engage with a man who is married, you know the guy is a cheater, liar, and a fake. You volunteer to take the risk that you are being played. You sign up for hurt. You cannot be surprised when it happens and set fire to the world. 

You have to look inward and figure out what made you so gullible to believe that a man who is cheating on his wife is truthful to you? 

While the first DDay that happened for me was not due to the OW... the details of the affair came from the OW. I had a panic attack and nearly swallowed a bottle of pills because the info wouldn't stop coming and the delivery was awful.... do not do that to another person when you willingly entered a relationship with her husband and only are mad because it did not go the way you hoped it would go. 

I do always advocate a spouse knowing, but it should come from someone who is caring and gentle in delivery. Not some vindictive OW. 

I would never be vindictive about it. And If it should come from someone who do you suggest it come from? 

[Myabee]

33 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

OP,

I've never been with a married man myself, but like most women, I've certainly had the opportunity.

While this is by no means universal for all married men, the ones I have had the misfortune to be hit on by have always had certain characteristics. They were all either super at compartmentalizing, they felt entitled, they were profoundly wounded by something else and engaging in "self help", they were really childlike,  they were under extreme pressure or they were desperately unhappy with themselves. In all cases, they had very low level of self awareness. ( I used to get it on a lot, lol)

There's  really good examples of what I mean on several popular TV shows. I've been watching the old  "M.A.S.H." series with my kids (it's their summer uni break) and the character of "Frank Burns", at least in the early episodes, really sums up a lot of married men who cheat on their spouses. He "loved" his wife for the financial and emotional security, he "loved" Margaret for passion. The reality was he loved neither, he was using both as crutches rather than addressing the things in his life that made him unhappy. He may have been a fictional character, but there was a lot of truth in it.

 

Helpful viewpoint. I can totally see in this MM's case we both are crutches. He is unhappy with himself very much so... he even said it.