do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

 

Does it make you feel good to denigrate them? 

How is that helpful? 

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Myabee said:

How is that helpful? 

It's a serious question. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

FWIW, I do think this trip out "move" was to re-establish the affair (specifically) and/or be intimate. There is just a LOT of ground to cover between this and being divorced and available, particularly for a man who lives 3000 miles away.

I think, like so many in affairs appear to be, he is using this as a band aid for a bad marriage. And Myabee I'll note that IF I genuinely thought otherwise and that accepting this might realistically be in your best interests, I'd be fine with saying so.

I will note that you seem to oscillate between "loving" this man and disliking him enough to be happy to disrupt his life with a Dday. I really think you need to take some time to "find your own center". It sounds like you are being carried this way and that on tides of emotion and "drama". But ultimately isn't that just exhausting and counter-productive?

Since you're divorcing your current H anyhow and that's not even done with, maybe focus on completing that (or reconciling IF that's actually in the cards) and becoming grounded. That way you'll be more likely IMO to be starting a next relationship off on the right footing.

Yesssss! This is now giving me panic attacks. 🙄 Done.

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Not necessarily that she is more interesting. Could be a few things:

Wife isn't available. OP has stated he texts during the day and then they stop when OP goes to bed... which is dinner time for him in his time zone. Wife works during the day. So he is talking to OP during the day. However, he could easily be taking to his wife as well. 

When you have been with someone for a long time, especially married and living together. You know all the details of their life because you spend it together. You have likely already heard most of the life stories. You typically even know how they will feel about any subject, etc. That isnt to say you don't talk. My boyfriend and I can spend hours talking. My ex husband and I who were together for 20 years would frequently make 8 hr road trips without ever putting on the radio (he cheated) because we talked the entire time.

It isnt a more thing. There is typically not one better than the other. And while some cheater will think about it one being better than the other in an area or two, it usually isn't about better... it is about different. 

If you eat steak every single day for a year, you may be happy to eat a bowl of cereal instead. Very small amount of people would consider cereal better than a perfectly cooked steak. But the same thing over and over again can get stale. This is where commitment, loyalty, etc comes in. 

Yea that’s all true but I think that level of long distance communication with a particular person indicates it’s more than just a guy stepping out cuz he wants a bite of cereal. It seems more like an emotional affair of someone  not all that happy. But I respect your opinion and acknowledge the possibility of it, since you seem to have more knowledge and perhaps experience with this and I do not

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Starswillshine]

18 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea that’s all true but I think that level of long distance communication with a particular person indicates it’s more than just a guy stepping out cuz he wants a bite of cereal. It seems more like an emotional affair of someone  not all that happy. But I respect your opinion and acknowledge the possibility of it, since you seem to have more knowledge and perhaps experience with this and I do not

I see it as just the complete opposite. Someone that far away cannot be as serious as someone close. It sets the stage to keep it at a distance. Given what OP has shared, I do not think this MM was specifically seeking out an affair (she contacted him as he was a long ago friend). 

Obviously all people are different... but in the case of my ex-husband (he is an extreme case) all his affairs were conducted plane rides away. And if you ask him, he would say he was happy in our marriage. We had sex frequently. I was not a prude. He traveled a lot... I was at home taking care of our many kids. He had mistresses in different cities. Lol. According to the conversations that I had with one OW, she asked him if he was happy in his marriage, and he responded, "emphatically." This particular OW also put a lot of stock on the amount of time they talked. But he was in hotel rooms up until 4am (she was a bartender, I was at home taking care of kids and woke early so I could not be on the phone until 4am). There was also a lot of Madonna whore complex thing going on as well. He would stay super conservative with me (sexually) but X rated with OW.... this had nothing to do with what I would and would not do..... just I was his wife and put into the wife category of love and respect. OW was the side piece and put in the category of "f&@:ing"

Edited August 20, 2021 by Starswillshine

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Someone that far away cannot be as serious as someone close. It sets the stage to keep it at a distance.

This. 

So much easier to keep an OW as just that - a bit of side entertainment - when she's far away. That suits plenty of MM just fine. 

[Myabee]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

So much easier to keep an OW as just that - a bit of side entertainment - when she's far away. That suits plenty of MM just fine. 

He can get his thrills another way.. 

[RebeccaR]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He can get his thrills another way.. 

You are really angry at him and I’d suggest part of that is anger at yourself for falling for his shtick. I really think you would benefit from redirecting your anger at him into something more productive. Also, therapy if you’re not doing it already.

[pepperbird2]

29 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's a serious question. 

op, the reason the question is important is because you're placing blame where it doesn't belong. It's taking you back to square on of excusing his actions.

You know he lies, yet you trust him when it comes to her role in all of this? It's easy to judge someone's marriage when you're on the outside looking in, but you're only doing so base don half(and very biased) the story. Context matters.

I hate that my spouse did this to me, but its a good example of how it's so easy to make an erroneous conclusion. My spouse was online one night chatting with his OW ( I've seen the message logs, and this was years ago) . He was telling his ow how I was out and he was bored. She immediately started in with the "oh, shes neglecting you, why isn't she home ? She's being a bad wife".
Know where I was that night? In the hospital with my younger daughter. She'd developed optic neuritis and was receiving emergency treatment  with doses of steroids so she wouldn't lose her sight.

Was a still a bad wife who was neglecting my spouse, or was I a mother who was getting our child emergency  medical care? that's what I mean when I say context matters.

Edited August 20, 2021 by pepperbird2

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

You are really angry at him and I’d suggest part of that is anger at yourself for falling for his shtick. I really think you would benefit from redirecting your anger at him into something more productive. Also, therapy if you’re not doing it already.

I will talk to my therapist about whats just transpired. She knows the story thus far.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, pepperbird2 said:

op, the reason the question is important is because you're placing blame where it doesn't belong. It's taking you back to square on of excusing his actions.

You know he lies, yet you trust him when it comes to her role in all of this? It's easy to judge someone's marriage when you're on the outside looking in, but you're only doing so base don half(and very biased) the story. Context matters.

I hate that my spouse did this to me, but its a good example of how it's so easy to make an erroneous conclusion. My spouse was online one night chatting with his OW ( I've seen the message logs, and this was years ago) . He was telling his ow how I was out and he was bored. She immediately started in with the "oh, shes neglecting you, why isn't she home ? She's being a bad wife".
Know where I was that night? In the hospital with my younger daughter. She'd developed optic neuritis and was receiving emergency treatment  with doses of steroids so she wouldn't lose her sight.

Was a still a bad wife who was neglecting my spouse, or was I a mother who was getting our child emergency  medical care? that's what I mean when I say context matters.

Now if only us that walk the path of the other woman could get the truth from the wife😂 I'm just saying.  Now no worries I am not doing that.  

[Starswillshine]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Now if only us that walk the path of the other woman could get the truth from the wife😂 I'm just saying.  Now no worries I am not doing that.  

It is always interesting how the MP spins the story. Especially the married MAN because it seems most MW who engage in an affair are truly unhappy in their marriage. 

Sometimes they even rewrite history in their own head and believe it. The things my xWH told me about our relationship was almost laughable. Then I had to remind him what actually happened. "Oh yeah, sorry I remembered wrong." 

[Myabee]

I want to thank you all for the assistance. I really think ya'll saved me from a lunatic.😂 I know I sound angry and I am def angry at myself for continuing to believe this was a guy with character. He has no character if he can cheat on his wife and I question my character at the moment for being involved. keep the good stuff rolling! 😊

[poppyfields]

59 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This. 

So much easier to keep an OW as just that - a bit of side entertainment - when she's far away. That suits plenty of MM just fine. 

It also causes you to wonder how many other "OW" there are.  He may even have a rotation of OW.   In fact, I would be surprised if he didn't!

I posted earlier that online can be intoxicating, because much of it is fantasy, filling in the blanks, and there's the "longing" for what you can't have, what is out of your reach.  There is nothing to suggest here the OP is the only one he is pursuing these types of affairs with - long distance, on line. 

Also to the OP, you scoffed at my comment about being addicted, and not sure why.  It's nothing to be ashamed about.   It doesn't mean you don't love him, I KNOW you love him, cocaine addicts also love --  their coke.

But it's an unhealthy love, a toxic love.  

Love is inspiring, uplifting!    Does he do that for you?  Inspire you, uplift you, motivate you?  Does he enhance your life?

If so, then my apologies, I misjudged.

From what I read, your own words, he's been messing with you, playing you.   But yet you can't let go.  

However, you have since posted your are DONE.  You are going to tell him to NOT come, and it's over.  If that's the case, and you actually do that, then I will be the first person to applaud you, and will take my addiction comment back.   Given how you feel, telling him your are DONE, and then blocking him, allowing him NO access to you is a very difficult thing to do and it takes a lot of strength.

I hope you do it!  I am pulling for you.   This is no way to live, ONE in person meet in 13 months, him sending you videos of himself masturbating (he said to you but who the hell knows who he's thinking about).

Anyway, nuff said from me.  All the best!!

Edited August 20, 2021 by poppyfields

[IfWishesWereHorses]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Me all over the map? Well sure because he's all of the map. 

But you’re not a ping pong ball. This is why you need your own direction and need to stop reacting to his constantly changing ideas about what his life should look like. 

[DingDang]

It's really easy to have a "good connection" when you don't have to deal with the day-to-day bullshit or have the opportunity to get tired of each other.

 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea that’s all true but I think that level of long distance communication with a particular person indicates it’s more than just a guy stepping out cuz he wants a bite of cereal. It seems more like an emotional affair of someone  not all that happy.

To me, anytime anyone chooses a long distance relationship when there are other local options - that is a BIG red flag that they are doing so because the distance provides some level of security. Either they are attempting to avoid the intimacy of an in person relationship, or they want to separate their fantasy “affair” from their real life… there is often a reason for it. It’s easy to establish a relationship with someone who lives far away - there are no demands, there is no risk, and there is the potential for “intimacy” but it is a false feeling of “intimacy” because there is no time spent together in person, in real life. There is security in that, for some.

Edited August 20, 2021 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

43 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

But you’re not a ping pong ball. This is why you need your own direction 

Indeed, the word I would use is reactive. 

[Myabee]

52 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

It also causes you to wonder how many other "OW" there are.  He may even have a rotation of OW.   In fact, I would be surprised if he didn't!

I posted earlier that online can be intoxicating, because much of it is fantasy, filling in the blanks, and there's the "longing" for what you can't have, what is out of your reach.  There is nothing to suggest here the OP is the only one he is pursuing these types of affairs with - long distance, on line. 

Also to the OP, you scoffed at my comment about being addicted, and not sure why.  It's nothing to be ashamed about.   It doesn't mean you don't love him, I KNOW you love him, cocaine addicts also love --  their coke.

But it's an unhealthy love, a toxic love.  

Love is inspiring, uplifting!    Does he do that for you?  Inspire you, uplift you, motivate you?  Does he enhance your life?

If so, then my apologies, I misjudged.

From what I read, your own words, he's been messing with you, playing you.   But yet you can't let go.  

However, you have since posted your are DONE.  You are going to tell him to NOT come, and it's over.  If that's the case, and you actually do that, then I will be the first person to applaud you, and will take my addiction comment back.   Given how you feel, telling him your are DONE, and then blocking him, allowing him NO access to you is a very difficult thing to do and it takes a lot of strength.

I hope you do it!  I am pulling for you.   This is no way to live, ONE in person meet in 13 months, him sending you videos of himself masturbating (he said to you but who the hell knows who he's thinking about).

Anyway, nuff said from me.  All the best!!

Oh I bet there have been and will be more then one of me. He is so deperate for sex that wanking it to jennifer anniston is not cutting it anymore...🙄😂 can I even say that? Next will be a full on PA in his area with more risk. Had I been living in his area it would have been. 🙄  

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

To me, anytime anyone chooses a long distance relationship when there are other local options - that is a BIG red flag that they are doing so because the distance provides some level of security. Either they are attempting to avoid the intimacy of an in person relationship, or they want to separate their fantasy “affair” from their real life… there is often a reason for it. It’s easy to establish a relationship with someone who lives far away - there are no demands, there is no risk, and there is the potential for “intimacy” but it is a false feeling of “intimacy” because there is no time spent together in person, in real life. There is security in that, for some.

He would fit the bill for that kinda of security as hes a needy person. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Not necessarily that she is more interesting. Could be a few things:

Wife isn't available. OP has stated he texts during the day and then they stop when OP goes to bed... which is dinner time for him in his time zone. Wife works during the day. So he is talking to OP during the day. However, he could easily be taking to his wife as well. 

When you have been with someone for a long time, especially married and living together. You know all the details of their life because you spend it together. You have likely already heard most of the life stories. You typically even know how they will feel about any subject, etc. That isnt to say you don't talk. My boyfriend and I can spend hours talking. My ex husband and I who were together for 20 years would frequently make 8 hr road trips without ever putting on the radio (he cheated) because we talked the entire time.

It isnt a more thing. There is typically not one better than the other. And while some cheater will think about it one being better than the other in an area or two, it usually isn't about better... it is about different. 

If you eat steak every single day for a year, you may be happy to eat a bowl of cereal instead. Very small amount of people would consider cereal better than a perfectly cooked steak. But the same thing over and over again can get stale. This is where commitment, loyalty, etc comes in. 

"Not necessarily that she is more interesting." Trust me I am far more interesting. If you ever saw the wife.🤢 Also total snooze and book worn. wears headphones to tune him out.  😂 

If thats even true of course. lol 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

"Not necessarily that she is more interesting." Trust me I am far more interesting. If you ever saw the wife.🤢 Also total snooze and book worn. wears headphones to tune him out.  😂 

Again, why the need to put her down? Does that make you feel better about the whole situation? Or, is this just really the person that you are? 

[glows]

The anger is keeping you trapped, Myabee. Keep moving away from that.

[Starswillshine]

8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

"Not necessarily that she is more interesting." Trust me I am far more interesting. If you ever saw the wife.🤢 Also total snooze and book worn. wears headphones to tune him out.  😂 

If thats even true of course. lol 

Oh geez.....

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Oh I bet there have been and will be more then one of me. He is so deperate for sex that wanking it to jennifer anniston is not cutting it anymore...🙄😂 can I even say that? Next will be a full on PA in his area with more risk. Had I been living in his area it would have been. 🙄  

Not your problem. 

Again - he could be wanking it with you only because it was more exciting than his long term relationship. Some men find that thrilling. It may not be that he is so desperate for sex but rather, desperate for a little more excitement. Lots of women on this site say that they had a very fulfilling sex life with their husband - and that didn’t stop him from seeking sex outside the marriage. It didn’t stop him from bellyaching to his OW about the lack of sex at home - even when it was not true.

You don’t seem to be able to accept that though… It would seem based on your posts that you need him to be a pathetic man staying only for the money otherwise, why would a sex starved man stay with such a boring wife…  Does this make the fact that you had a relationship with the man or the fact that he chose to stay in his marriage somehow more acceptable? 

Edited August 20, 2021 by BaileyB