do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, heartwhole2 said:

One way to tell if you are basing your decisions on reason is whether you are being consistent with your stated reasoning.

Are you now going to counsel every OW here to inform the BW? Are you a passionate anti-affair crusader now?

How many times have you tried contacting him since November? How many Google Voice numbers of alternate FB profiles have you used to see if he would respond? That didn't work, so you sent a letter asking for a phone call, which you got, promising you felt great and had closure. It's likely that this step is just another extension of your feeling "I will not be ignored!"

I had forgotten that this was an EA. Often MM will be caught having a PA and tell their BW it was only an EA. Well, that can't have happened because yours wasn't a PA. So it does seem like you have very little new information to offer BW. Again, this indicates that your desire is about you and not about BW.

What does your therapist say about this plan?

Closure is not a feeling. Closure is a choice to focus on self-care, on compassion for self and others, on acceptance. Some days you will feel you have it. Some days it will be a struggle. But it's the act of choosing to move on that counts.

Not a PA? So face time sex does not count? And what happened in person does not count? My therapist told me to do as I see fit. I hear you about the closure part you are correct. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you met one time and it was just friends?  Otherwise it was mostly talking?

Focus on your upcoming divorce. Get support from friends family and a good therapist. 

How are your adult children handling the divorce?

Did your husband cheat on you? Is that where this revenge fantasy is coming from?

This was daily texting from morning until night for a year 1/2 weekly long phones calls 3 or 4 days a week and much face-time sex. No I was not cheated on. My adult children are doing amazing. They knew we needed to separate and divorce. It has not been a messy process at all. 

Edited January 22, 2022 by Myabee

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Daliah said:

You’re angry Myabee, and I understand why. You keep self flagellating and torturing yourself over this effwit. Now your mad because you’ve discovered that’s who he really is and you want to get even with him by indirectly blowing up his wife’s life.  That’s really awful. I’m sorry to say it but it IS out of revenge.

 

I do not feel it's out of revenge. How in gods name is this woman to have any kind of life if her husband continues to cheat on her? If it's not me then someone else will tell.  

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, Bubble_20 said:

This thread feels like attention seeking now. What happened to stopping the “affair talk” and moving on with your life?

This “relationship” was email banter at best. What exactly are you going to tell her? You could risk coming off looking like a fool because you’ve no idea how he’ll portray YOU. 

Don’t get me wrong, swapping saucy or romantic emails with a married man is very poor behaviour, and I’m sure she’ll be pissed. But if you’ve not actually been meeting up and he hasn’t been absent from home to spend time with you, what exactly are you going to tell her you’ve both been up to?? 

MM will easily be able to wriggle out of any nonsense you tell her because you haven’t actually been involved in any meaningful way.

Try and move on now before you make a proper fool out of yourself. His marriage is non of your business. Let them work that out.
Be thankful you didn’t engage in a proper affair or relationship that really could have ruined your life.   
 

 

Emails???? No... not once. 24 our texting... phone calls and lots of face time sex. Work it out? That's not his plan. His plan is he saves face then get's her off his back for a bit and is at it again and again. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

 I was not cheated on. My adult children are doing amazing. They new we needed to separate and divorce. It has not been a messy process at all. 

Excellent. Good you have supportive adult children, an amicable divorce proceeding and support from friends, family and therapists.

Forget this cheating clown. He was just a bandaid through your separation/divorce and pain/loneliness.

Cybersex and chats helped distract you from the pain of separation and divorce.

Put is behind you as "went through a bad time, made bad decisions" and forgive yourself.

That's why you picked someone completely unavailable and unrealistic.

Otherwise you would have been dating single local men who cared about you.

Edited January 22, 2022 by Wiseman2

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Good you have supportive adult children, an amicable divorce proceeding and support from friends, family and therapists.

Forget this cheating clown. He was just a bandaid through your separation/divorce and pain/loneliness.

Cybersex and chats helped distract you from the pain of separation and divorce.

Put is behind you are "went through a bad time, made bad decisions" and forgive yourself.

That's why you picked someone completely unavailable and unrealistic.

Otherwise you would have been dating single local men who cared about you.

Some of this is probably true. So do not tell??? 

[heartwhole2]

How much of your desire to tell the BW is because you want to know the full story . . . what he told her, what they're doing now, etc.? That has been your ongoing theme since November . . . figuring out how you can get more info about him and his marriage.

[Allupinnit]

So the letter you sent wasn't enough.  The phone call you badgered him into via a fake number wasn't enough.  So now you want to tell his wife.  Will THAT be enough?  What if they don't divorce?  That's the most likely outcome, his wife is MUCH more likely to believe whatever her H has to say about the whole thing than you.  

I once told an acquaintance that I knew her boyfriend was cheating.  Guess what?  She didn't believe me, he lied his way out of it, and everyone said I was just trying to break them up and cause problems.  I truly thought I WAS doing the right thing and he wasn't even cheating with ME.  Never again.

If this will make you feel better (because really we all know this is about YOU, you were waiting the whole month of Dec for him to get back in touch to take him back) and your very helpful therapist tells you to do whatever you want, then go ahead.  Drop the bomb, walk away, hold your head high knowing you got the last laugh.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

How much of your desire to tell the BW is because you want to know the full story . . . what he told her, what they're doing now, etc.? That has been your ongoing theme since November . . . figuring out how you can get more info about him and his marriage.

I do not want her to tell me anything about the marriage at all. This is a conflict avoidant married man who lies and has no remorse. He is a narc. She is his money ticket and that's it. This is not the first nor will it be the last time this MM does this.

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Allupinnit said:

So the letter you sent wasn't enough.  The phone call you badgered him into via a fake number wasn't enough.  So now you want to tell his wife.  Will THAT be enough?  What if they don't divorce?  That's the most likely outcome, his wife is MUCH more likely to believe whatever her H has to say about the whole thing than you.  

I once told an acquaintance that I knew her boyfriend was cheating.  Guess what?  She didn't believe me, he lied his way out of it, and everyone said I was just trying to break them up and cause problems.  I truly thought I WAS doing the right thing and he wasn't even cheating with ME.  Never again.

If this will make you feel better (because really we all know this is about YOU, you were waiting the whole month of Dec for him to get back in touch to take him back) and your very helpful therapist tells you to do whatever you want, then go ahead.  Drop the bomb, walk away, hold your head high knowing you got the last laugh.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

I do not want him! The intent is not to tell her so he can be mine. Who could trust a man like this? His lies all connected to make it clear as day as to how he operates. I would find it hard for any spouse to not believe a person who has video and text evidence? How is that a lie? 

[Allupinnit]

Just now, Myabee said:

I do not want him! The intent is not to tell her so he can be mine. Who could trust a man like this? His lies all connected to make it clear as day as to how he operates. I would find it hard for any spouse to not believe a person who has video and text evidence? How is that a lie? 

You don't want him NOW, but you also don't want him to have HER.  If you truly cared about this woman you would not have been trying to pry her husband away from her.  You're hellbent on getting your way.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This is not the first nor will it be the last time this MM does this.

That's ok. He's not your problem.  You're not their marriage counselor or the affair police.

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Stop stalking, harassing or contacting him. He can take anything you send him, electronically or otherwise, to the police and press charges. 

Realize you were in a bad place and put it behind you. Don't be a Fatal Attraction case.

[LynneVicious]

Myabee,

Gently, you have no place in their marriage. You need to let this go now. He made his choice, and he chose to stay in his marriage. 

And echoing what the other posters said, you didn’t have a problem with taking this woman’s husband. Now that it’s over, you can’t claim to care about her. 

Take some more healing time. And I still get the feeling you are not owning up to your part in this. You keep blaming him. You had an equal part in this woman’s pain. You knew he was married and pursued him anyway. Please leave them alone. Work on your healing and move on. 

[Myabee]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. He's not your problem.  You're not their marriage counselor or the affair police.

Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps.

Stop stalking, harassing or contacting him. He can take anything you send him, electronically or otherwise, to the police and press charges. 

Realize you were in a bad place and put it behind you. Don't be a Fatal Attraction case.

He is deleted and blocked. And I am not a bunny boiler. I agree though I should just put it behind me. He is not worth a penny to anyone and the two of them sound pretty messed up anyway. 

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

Myabee,

Gently, you have no place in their marriage. You need to let this go now. He made his choice, and he chose to stay in his marriage. 

And echoing what the other posters said, you didn’t have a problem with taking this woman’s husband. Now that it’s over, you can’t claim to care about her. 

Take some more healing time. And I still get the feeling you are not owning up to your part in this. You keep blaming him. You had an equal part in this woman’s pain. You knew he was married and pursued him anyway. Please leave them alone. Work on your healing and move on. 

Thank you. I admit to my part. Could I be feeling guilt now??? I agree on the healing part

[Myabee]

31 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

You don't want him NOW, but you also don't want him to have HER.  If you truly cared about this woman you would not have been trying to pry her husband away from her.  You're hellbent on getting your way.

No! Not hell bent on getting my way. Who knows... I suppose not healed enough yet. 😪

[Myabee]

This! I think this is very true. I know if I was cheated on I would want the entire truth because if one is trying to repair a marriage full disclosure is paramount. Shameful so many don't do it that way and things end up all screwed up again. It's like a cycle without truth. 

 

Once infidelity is detected, the key in my opinion is to be open, truthful, and identify the problem as hurtful and unpleasant as it may be. I mean the cat is out of the bag, might as well spill the beans. Professional help may be needed for both parties. Identifying the “why” can not only keep the cheating spouse from doing it again, but in some cases it can even fortify a marriage.

In conclusion, you don't want to bring old rats onto a new ship. You can't expect to stay married if old problems aren't properly addressed, otherwise it will just happen again.

[heartwhole2]

9 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This! I think this is very true. I know if I was cheated on I would want the entire truth because if one is trying to repair a marriage full disclosure is paramount. Shameful so many don't do it that way and things end up all screwed up again. It's like a cycle without truth. 

 

Once infidelity is detected, the key in my opinion is to be open, truthful, and identify the problem as hurtful and unpleasant as it may be. I mean the cat is out of the bag, might as well spill the beans. Professional help may be needed for both parties. Identifying the “why” can not only keep the cheating spouse from doing it again, but in some cases it can even fortify a marriage.

In conclusion, you don't want to bring old rats onto a new ship. You can't expect to stay married if old problems aren't properly addressed, otherwise it will just happen again.

This is true, but what does it have to do with you? Now you will bring your insights into successful reconciliation into their marriage?

You should never have had a window into their marriage, and that's on MM. But that window has been slammed shut. Don't keep trying to crack it open.

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

This is true, but what does it have to do with you? Now you will bring your insights into successful reconciliation into their marriage?

You should never have had a window into their marriage, and that's on MM. But that window has been slammed shut. Don't keep trying to crack it open.

All I was saying by sharing that is its exactly what i see in his situation. And you are right. I should have never had a window... a year 1/2 was a long time to hear about the two of them and what he did not like. Now sharing something very personal... feel tainted with sex now as I feel like I think of him and I wish that would go away! 😪😪😪 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do not feel it's out of revenge. How in gods name is this woman to have any kind of life if her husband continues to cheat on her? If it's not me then someone else will tell.  

You never cared about any of this before he dumped you Myabee.  You are bitter because most likely he has moved on to an easier OW and no longer wants to be involved with you; so now you want the wife to know and suffer.  This is your only reason for wanting to tell her and it has nothing to do with how much you care for her.

[Daliah]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do not feel it's out of revenge. How in gods name is this woman to have any kind of life if her husband continues to cheat on her? If it's not me then someone else will tell.  

You don’t really believe any of this Myabee, and really, would his wife? ….the state of their relationship is nothing to do with you. Whether she financially  keeps him,  or actively turns her back on his appalling behaviour, or is as self flagellating as you are it’s none of your business.  She’ll do what she’s going to and believe me, she’ll know if you’re telling her all your equally appalling behaviour WITH her husband out of spite.

I say this with the benefit of hindsight and experience.  Leave.It.Alone. If she ever finds out and comes looking for you, tell her with honesty and kindness what she wants to know, otherwise give the whole thing crickets._

move along now…nothing to see….

Edited January 22, 2022 by Daliah

[stillafool]

On 1/8/2022 at 6:08 PM, Myabee said:

Could be however, I can't change the fact that he want's to work on his marriage. At best i know now... Whereas before it was kinda left open... i'm moving on. Will take the good memories and leave the rest. I even told him i would think of him every day he said the same. But it was not mean't to be.... he is married. 

 

On 1/8/2022 at 10:53 PM, Myabee said:

Not sure it was a fix as much as knowing where he was at. Now I know. The rest I can handle on my own. I was already preparing for what I learned today. Just needed that closure. Yes he left me with peace. Peace of mind to let go. Happy New Year.😊❤️ 

What about these things you said just 14 days ago that you had your "closure" and  was "at peace" with him for working on his marriage.  That attitude didn't last long and that is why you should have closed this thread so you can move on and stop obsessing about him.

Edited January 22, 2022 by stillafool

[Crazelnut]

So much for closure and moving on. 

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, Crazelnut said:

So much for closure and moving on. 

Has not been easy. I wish I had never gotten involved... I was doing good😪

[Myabee]

22 minutes ago, stillafool said:

 

What about these things you said just 14 days ago that you had your "closure" and  was "at peace" with him for working on his marriage.  That attitude didn't last long and that is why you should have closed this thread so you can move on and stop obsessing about him.

The thread had nothing to do with what's been in my mind. Idk what you all want me to say? No one believes anything I say here.