do they actually leave?

[vla1120]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes. I do realize I put myself in this situation I made a very bad adult choice. I was 100% at fault here. Just having trouble processing deep hurt of loss. I think I truly don't even know what it is that I lost... my mind has been all over the place. This needs to be addressed in my next therapy session. I have been with a therapist long before this MM situation and mainly my talks are around my young adults and such.While we talk about MM this needs more time.... to discuss. Yes I am very hurt inside for many reasons. I would not wish this kind of pain on anyone... never sign up to be an OW!

You are an intelligent woman who has probably been overthinking this whole situation. I'm an overthinker myself, so I understand. Telling his wife isn't going to resolve YOUR issue and it is not your place to worry about her situation. Trust me. She probably knows exactly what her husband is, but she chooses to stay (like I did, and like many others do.) The fact is, he hurt you to the core and you keep reliving everything over and over and over. The resolution here is for you to find a way to put it to rest, permanently. File it away in a little compartment and store it in the very back of your brain, never to be revisited again (unless you find yourself thinking of becoming involved with another married man ever again in the future.) When you are laying awake in bed at night, and those thoughts start creeping to the forefront, have something ready to think about in its place that will redirect your thoughts and feelings. I know that is easier said than done (I'm having a very difficult time doing JUST that thing right now with a situation in my own life!) Keep seeing your therapist and work on healing yourself. You will become stronger and stronger with time and eventually, this will all be a distant memory - if you allow it to be. 

[Myabee]

5 hours ago, vla1120 said:

You are an intelligent woman who has probably been overthinking this whole situation. I'm an overthinker myself, so I understand. Telling his wife isn't going to resolve YOUR issue and it is not your place to worry about her situation. Trust me. She probably knows exactly what her husband is, but she chooses to stay (like I did, and like many others do.) The fact is, he hurt you to the core and you keep reliving everything over and over and over. The resolution here is for you to find a way to put it to rest, permanently. File it away in a little compartment and store it in the very back of your brain, never to be revisited again (unless you find yourself thinking of becoming involved with another married man ever again in the future.) When you are laying awake in bed at night, and those thoughts start creeping to the forefront, have something ready to think about in its place that will redirect your thoughts and feelings. I know that is easier said than done (I'm having a very difficult time doing JUST that thing right now with a situation in my own life!) Keep seeing your therapist and work on healing yourself. You will become stronger and stronger with time and eventually, this will all be a distant memory - if you allow it to be. 

Thank you. Overthinking is my middle name. Yes I need to lay this to rest. It will take time. The brutal truth that it's 100% done has been like a hard kick to the stomach. 
 

I read this and like it: 

When there’s a fresh wound in your heart, keep it open until it heals. Air it out. Understand it. Dive into it. Be fierce enough to become it. If you ignore it, it won’t be able to breath. If you ignore it, it will merely deepen, spread, and resurface later, wanting to release. And when later happens, it will hurt even more; because when later happens, you won’t know what you’re bleeding for … Remain open to feel free.” - Victoria Erickson

[Myabee]

This is also helpful as suggested by my therapist. List of Pros and Cons

 

Pros

Had much in common hobbies wise

Communicated well

Strong attraction and natural bond

 

Cons

 MARRIED

If can lie and cheat on wife can do the same to me

Lazy

His job is a joke non ambitious. I prefer ambitious men

Flirtatious with many

Distance

Big Ego. 

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This is also helpful as suggested by my therapist. 

If your therapist is enabling and fostering this obsession, consider seeing your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Rule out physical problems

A qualified therapist can help you replace self-defeating, self-destructive thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthier thoughts and behaviors.

This distress is not even about this man/situation.

The distress came before and this situation evolved as an unhealthy escape from painful lonely realities. 

Until you address that, this peripheral obsession, ruminating, hostilities etc. it will continue to plague you.

There are excellent treatments for depression, anxiety and obsessional thoughts and behaviors but it's not making lists about a guy you saw once and had some cybersex with..

Edited January 23, 2022 by Wiseman2

[SoulCat]

12 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This is also helpful as suggested by my therapist. List of Pros and Cons

 

Pros

Had much in common hobbies wise

Communicated well

Strong attraction and natural bond

 

Cons

 MARRIED

If can lie and cheat on wife can do the same to me

Lazy

His job is a joke non ambitious. I prefer ambitious men

Flirtatious with many

Distance

Big Ego. 

No disrespect to your therapist, but I fail to see how this is helping you.

Your focus remains firmly on him. His failures, his shortcomings.

How about you do a pros and cons list of you? Your behaviour and decisions are what got you into this mess.

Introspection is key. 

Edited January 23, 2022 by SoulCat

[Myabee]

7 minutes ago, SoulCat said:

No disrespect to your therapist, but I fail to see how this is helping you.

Your focus remains firmly on him. His failures, his shortcomings.

How about you do a pros and cons list of you? Your behaviour and decisions are what got you into this mess.

Introspection is key. 

Huh???? Are you a licensed and trained professional? This is a very good way to think imo and it is helpful!  

[SoulCat]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Huh???? Are you a licensed and trained professional? This is a very good way to think imo and it is helpful!  

77 pages of remuneration, angst, hurt, lashing out and general unhappiness on your part say otherwise. But hey, you do you.

Edited January 23, 2022 by SoulCat

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If your therapist is enabling and fostering this obsession, consider seeing your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Rule out physical problems

A qualified therapist can help you replace self-defeating, self-destructive thoughts and behaviors with productive and healthier thoughts and behaviors.

This distress is not even about this man/situation.

The distress came before and this situation evolved as an unhealthy escape from painful lonely realities. 

Until you address that, this peripheral obsession, ruminating, hostilities etc. it will continue to plague you.

There are excellent treatments for depression, anxiety and obsessional thoughts and behaviors but it's not making lists about a guy you saw once and had some cybersex with..

Ok. Now I srsly can't even believe this advice! I am physically fit and very healthy and now your a Dr?🙈 Obsessions? Ruminating thoughts? How on earth can u say that? Affairs hurt! They cause emotional damage. It's my job now to repair that by working through this until I am content with placing this behind me 100%. Not there yet.   

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, SoulCat said:

77 pages of angst, hurt, lashing out and general unhappiness on your part say otherwise. But hey, you do you.

Huh? This has been a great place to go back and forth. This thread started when the affair was still very much going and was still going until Nov. The real reality came this month. My focus now is to clean up the mental mess I'm left with. I come on here this am with positives feeling better and this is what I get? 

Edited January 23, 2022 by Myabee

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

 Obsessions? Ruminating thoughts?  It's my job now to repair that by working through this until I am content

Ok, no need to be rude, uncivil or hostile toward those giving their best advice on how to help you.

[Bubble_20]

20 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do agree. I am sorry you went through this but you seemed to handle it very well. Of course I would be respectful and also leave emotion out. I do have regret. No one believes me. Of course I think this MM is a D head however... my intentions were to offer the whole truth softly. No one believes me.  😞

Sadly I don’t think there IS a ‘soft way’ to tell another woman you’ve had designs on their husband or that the two of you were bullshitting yourselves into a new life… without her in it. Hopefully the more you re-read the hundreds of posts on this thread, your mind will catch up with what a F’ing disaster you’ve allowed yourself to be involved with. Make the best choice for yourself and stop going about this. It’s clearly not helping you in anyway. You’re just reframing the thread to keep yourself locked into this nonsense. 
A public Internet forum doesn’t seem to be giving you want you need to move on. 

I don’t suppose the MM has spent hours trawling through these sights, his heart and mind in turmoil. Only you. Give yourself a break now 🙂

 

20 hours ago, Myabee said:

I do agree. I am sorry you went through this but you seemed to handle it very well. Of course I would be respectful and also leave emotion out. I do have regret. No one believes me. Of course I think this MM is a D head however... my intentions were to offer the whole truth softly. No one believes me.  😞

Edited January 23, 2022 by Bubble_20

[heartwhole2]

I agree that the pro/con exercise seems a bit off base. You aren't going to be able to convince yourself to stop wanting this man with a list. Pro/con lists are for when you have a choice to make, and you don't have a choice here. I could make a pro/con list about my marrying Prince William, but since marrying him isn't a choice that I actually have, why do I need to do that?

One thing that's helped me process raw, primal feelings is EFT, emotional freedom technique, also known as tapping. You can find videos on how to do it on YouTube. Instead of trying to convince myself that I don't want MM with a list, I'd tap while saying, "I want to be with MM. I can't be with him. I feel rejected. I feel scared. I feel alone. . . . I choose to let go. I choose to love myself. I am enough. I will be OK."  Etc.

[Myabee]

35 minutes ago, Bubble_20 said:

don’t suppose the MM has spent hours trawling through these sights, his heart and mind in turmoil. Only you. Give yourself a break now 🙂

Yes true. Thank you.

[Myabee]

48 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, no need to be rude, uncivil or hostile toward those giving their best advice on how to help you.

My intent was not to be rude or hostile your post came across that way. I am reading all the advice and from the mind-spot I was in yesterday to today it's because of re reading many posts that helped. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, mea_M said:

Hello Myab. If I could give you a great big hug right now I most certainly would. Your thread caught my attention as It struck a cord with a place I was in long ago. What brought me to LS was an EA with a MM neighbor all while I was unhappily married. This was many years back and what I found was my identity became his. I lost myself in the affair and like you, was all over the place in my head. I want to let you know it's really ok to feel like an emotional mess. I agree with you when you said "Affairs cause emotional damage" they most certainly do. I commend you for working through all the logistics running rampant through your head. In my mind, you have owned up to your role and are now stuck with processing hurt and loss. Guess what? Keep feeling it all. Keep working through all of it. Deny none of it. You have a therapist unlike me at the time. Keep working with her/him. Do you. I promise you one day you will look back and have a laugh at this. Much love Myab. Many hugs dear. You are going to be OK!!!!! 

 

Mea😊

I feel your hug and compassion. Thank you for taking the time to read. I like what you said about the identity thing that's really true. Glad you healed. ❤️

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, heartwhole2 said:

I agree that the pro/con exercise seems a bit off base. You aren't going to be able to convince yourself to stop wanting this man with a list. Pro/con lists are for when you have a choice to make, and you don't have a choice here. I could make a pro/con list about my marrying Prince William, but since marrying him isn't a choice that I actually have, why do I need to do that?

One thing that's helped me process raw, primal feelings is EFT, emotional freedom technique, also known as tapping. You can find videos on how to do it on YouTube. Instead of trying to convince myself that I don't want MM with a list, I'd tap while saying, "I want to be with MM. I can't be with him. I feel rejected. I feel scared. I feel alone. . . . I choose to let go. I choose to love myself. I am enough. I will be OK."  Etc.

Oh now now... That tapping stuff does not work... not for me anyway. That's probably the biggest scam out there in my opinion. The list helped me.  The excercise ( physical) I just did helped. The con's are strong... it helps rationalize that huge deal breakers existed so why even entertain thoughts of him. I should have been thinking that many months ago. 🤦‍♀️ 

[Snakesalive]

13 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Oh now now... That tapping stuff does not work... not for me anyway. That's probably the biggest scam out there in my opinion. The list helped me.  The excercise ( physical) I just did helped. The con's are strong... it helps rationalize that huge deal breakers existed so why even entertain thoughts of him. I should have been thinking that many months ago. 🤦‍♀️ 

@Myabee I’d like to offer a slightly different take on the to tell or not to tell dilemma .  So I’ve wrestled with whether to contact my ex mm BW to apologise for my behaviour. I decided not to . My decision was based on a couple of things -1) my motivation -why did I want to contact  her ? To genuinely  apologise yes but to also try and reduce the guilt -still making it about me . 
2) we had a mutual friend who told her I was deeply sorry and the BWW said an apology meant nothing to her because I meant nothing to her . I totally respect that - who was I then to reach out and push myself back in her life ? 
I’m not sure this helps but I guess I’m writing this just as a way to reinforce what others have said that’s it’s not for us to reach out . If the BW contacted me of course I would apologise and answer any questions but the choice to contact me would be hers. Good luck with your journey -you’ll get there x

Edited January 23, 2022 by Snakesalive

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

@Myabee I’d like to offer a slightly different take on the to tell or not to tell dilemma .  So I’ve wrestled with whether to contact my ex mm BW to apologise for my behaviour. I decided not to . My decision was based on a couple of things -1) my motivation -why did I want to contact  her ? To genuinely  apologise yes but to also try and reduce the guilt -still making it about me . 
2) we had a mutual friend who told her I was deeply sorry and the BWW said an apology meant nothing to her because I meant nothing to her . I totally respect that - who was I then to reach out and push myself back in her life ? 
I’m not sure this helps but I guess I’m writing this just as a way to reinforce what others have said that’s it’s not for us to reach out . If the BW contacted me of course I would apologise and answer any questions but the choice to contact me would be hers  

A poster last night said to not do this at least not now. Not from a place of anger or hostility. Re examine in weeks or months. Hopefully by then he won't even be a thought it my head.  Thank you. 

[Snakesalive]

19 minutes ago, Myabee said:

A poster last night said to not do this at least not now. Not from a place of anger or hostility. Re examine in weeks or months. Hopefully by then he won't even be a thought it my head.  Thank you. 

Exactly - I guarantee you’ll do  lots of reflecting -reflection not dwelling -I’m sure you’ll recognise the difference. Self Reflection  will help reinforce what you’ve learned from the situation -remember some of the best lessons in life come from the hardest of times . 

[Myabee]

11 minutes ago, Snakesalive said:

Exactly - I guarantee you’ll do  lots of reflecting -reflection not dwelling -I’m sure you’ll recognise the difference. Self Reflection  will help reinforce what you’ve learned from the situation -remember some of the best lessons in life come from the hardest of times . 

This is what I've been trying to say all along self reflecting, working through all of this and all the emotions. I took another big step today by deleting some videos I had made where I speak of MM in a fb group i'm in that he was in as well. He has been off all social media of mine since Nov 24 ish blocked and I am now erasing anything I can where I see any trace of him. I was ready to do that. Phone number shredded not written down so I can never text him again. Huge. 

[RebeccaR]

16 minutes ago, Myabee said:

This is what I've been trying to say all along self reflecting, working through all of this and all the emotions. I took another big step today by deleting some videos I had made where I speak of MM in a fb group i'm in that he was in as well. He has been off all social media of mine since Nov 24 ish blocked and I am now erasing anything I can where I see any trace of him. I was ready to do that. Phone number shredded not written down so I can never text him again. Huge. 

Deleting previous texts, emails etc is crucial. It definitely reduces the dwelling and ruminating. Keep it up, you are doing the best you can 

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

Deleting previous texts, emails etc is crucial. It definitely reduces the dwelling and ruminating. Keep it up, you are doing the best you can 

Yes. And I just got to this stage. That call you know the one that gave me peace per say, it did some yes for sure. Then it turned to sadness because that was when it was really over. Yeah I know it was over long before that like in NOV.. but No way I  could even entertain that part at all back then  

[RebeccaR]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes. And I just got to this stage. That call you know the one that gave me peace per say, it did some yes for sure. Then it turned to sadness because that was when it was really over. Yeah I know it was over long before that like in NOV.. but No way I  could even entertain that part at all back then  

I’d also suggest putting some distance between you and any mutual friends (on fb and in real life), at least temporary. The temptation to ask about him will be there. If it’s a close friend and you can’t distance yourself, I would up front say you don’t want to talk about him and let’s stick to other topics. Tell them it’s 100% over.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

I’d also suggest putting some distance between you and any mutual friends (on fb and in real life), at least temporary. The temptation to ask about him will be there. If it’s a close friend and you can’t distance yourself, I would up front say you don’t want to talk about him and let’s stick to other topics. Tell them it’s 100% over.

The good thing is at this point on fb we have no mutual friends. No one knows about him and I except for you guys here, my therapist my best gf and my mom. So all good in that department. 

[Bittersweetie]

I may have mentioned this to you before...but in the aftermath of my affair and d-day I realized that there are questions in life I will never know the answer to. And that is okay. When my xMM dumped me the second time (yeah my plan did not work out) he said some pretty nasty things to me. I wondered, why would he say that? How could he say that? Why do that? And as I grew stronger I realized, I won't ever know why he did or said those things. And that is okay. I will be okay. I applied that to a situation I'd been ruminating about for 15+ years...why did my best friend ghost me? How could she do that? And I will never know the answer to that either. And it is okay, I am okay.

I understand it may be hard to think that way right now when it's all so fresh, but maybe start incorporating those kind of thoughts in when you find yourself ruminating..."I will never know why he did that, and that is okay." And honestly I think this is where the closure comes from...coming to accept that one does not have all the answers, and accepting that one will be okay without them.