do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You have to help yourself first. 

Nobody can do it for you. 

I understand that. VERY difficult to do. The part that has me torn is losing him completely since everyone is right there can be no friendship. I liked the friendship part the most. 

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

The Lord helps those who help themselves. 😉

I'm not so surprised you sent him the love song. It's par for the course when you break no contact. There is no "just friends." It's just not possible under the circumstances. That's why the 'rule' to ending an affair is block everywhere no contact ever. 

Of course this is very true. And you are correct the friendship has to go. That part hurts the most. 

[Myabee]

7 hours ago, gwaimui said:

I've been following your other thread, but I am.not sure  what is it you want out of this relationship? He is 3000 miles away,  do you want to move there, he move where you are? Or continue LD? Do you want him to leave his wife, or are you okay with him staying? (Some people are okay with that).  Did you two discuss any plans? 

You say you don't really want to go.NC because you enjoy him too much, but you feel like you should, so what is it you really want? 

At several points we were discussing plans of him moving here or me there. However, My divorce needs to be final first and he would have to be willing to leave his marriage. The likely hood of him leaving is about 50/50 at this point. I think what I ideally want is for us to be together however, that's probably not happening. KEEPING this at friends is not working. Feel caught between a rock and a hard place. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

My divorce needs to be final first and he would have to be willing to leave his marriage. 

Are you living separately? Is your divorce contentious? Did he cheat on you?

[Myabee]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Are you living separately? Is your divorce contentious? Did he cheat on you?

We are living separately yes. NO he did not cheat on me we just did not get along. I did really try everything before calling it quits.

[PhoenixRising8]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

The likely hood of him leaving is about 50/50 at this point.

if you think it's  only 50/50, odd are it's significantly less than that.  OW tend to see what they want to see.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

We are living separately yes. NO he did not cheat on me we just did not get along. I did really try everything before calling it quits.

Ok makes sense. You are talking to this man because you are in the throes of divorce and want a salve. You're in the process of "yeah, don't spouses suck?".

This gives you an escape from the reality that you're going to have to have to start over.

He's "safe" in your mind because the whole thing is a nonstarter, he's married, he's far away, etc.

A real relationship would require your heart and mind in an open way, and you're not there yet.

Edited July 16, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok makes sense. You are talking to this man because you are in the throes of divorce and want a salve. You're in the process of "yeah, don't spouses suck?".

This gives you an escape from the reality that you're going to have to have to start over.

He's "safe" in your mind because the whole thing is a nonstarter, he's married, he's far away, etc.

A real relationship would require your heart and mind in an open way, and you're not there yet.

Also someone to fill in the lonely gaps. Marriages, unhappy or not, still offer someone else at home. Especially long marriages. You can hate the person, but at least it is someone there. Once separated it gets quite lonely. Extremely lonely. 

[Gatlin1982]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I understand that. VERY difficult to do. The part that has me torn is losing him completely since everyone is right there can be no friendship. I liked the friendship part the most. 

I completely understand, but as some great advice others have given to me in this situation, you wont stop wanting to hear his voice and craving that attention and conversation with him IF YOU KEEP HAVING IT WITH HIM, so stop doing it and every single day will be one step closer to recovery. I believe it's like a drug. You need to just break the habit. You do have a little luck on your side. You don't work together, you're miles apart, so there is no way of accidently running into each other, so what do you have to lose than some heartache? You're friendship is the illusion of an emotional affair. You will see that once you go NC. Just give it a try, go slow, go a week at a time.

[Pumpernickel]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

My divorce needs to be final first and he would have to be willing to leave his marriage

This alone should give you pause. I think it would benefit you if you dealt with your own "logisitcs" first, meaning your divorce et.al. Why not square that one away first and foremost? In the meantime, let him do his thing. He also needs time to process and deal with his own logistics, and future plans, and marriage, and emotions. You have no influence there, no matter how many songs you send him.

See: He'll decide what he'll decide, and I remember you saying that he already told you to back off and focus more on a friendship than a romance for now. That should tell you everything you need to know. Give him that space. He might not even want to divorce his wife and start a new life with somebody else. Sure, he's told you otherwise on occasion, but what does that mean in reality? Not much, really.

Moreover: You're also 3000 miles apart, which means there's no basis at all for anything solid to develop. I mean, even stable marriages & LTRs often can't survive a long-distance scenario, if one has to move to another state for work or whatever. And these are often people who've been together for quite some time, who have made vows and promises to share a life. 

I would really encourage you to think about that for a minute. The practical aspects. The distance. The logistics. Even IF emotions are strong & love was present, practically and realistically speaking (and statistically), it's not very likely that something serious, something more will develop between the 2 of you. 

[Prudence V]

On 7/14/2021 at 6:02 PM, Myabee said:

Yessss! He is on the brink. He said its time to unpack the boxes I locked in the closet. I need personal therapy and I'm signing up. Now lets see if that happens. If it does then good for him. 

So, he’s not actually in counselling, just dangling the prospect of it as a carrot, to appease you? 
 

And the other things I mentioned, in the post you responded to - has he broached leaving to his BW, his family…? Is everyone in his life world aware that he’s poised to make a big leave / stay decision (pending the insights of counselling), or is this all happening within the safety of his head - or, more concerning, played out on a private stage to you alone? 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Gatlin1982 said:

I completely understand, but as some great advice others have given to me in this situation, you wont stop wanting to hear his voice and craving that attention and conversation with him IF YOU KEEP HAVING IT WITH HIM, so stop doing it and every single day will be one step closer to recovery. I believe it's like a drug. You need to just break the habit. You do have a little luck on your side. You don't work together, you're miles apart, so there is no way of accidently running into each other, so what do you have to lose than some heartache? You're friendship is the illusion of an emotional affair. You will see that once you go NC. Just give it a try, go slow, go a week at a time.

I am going on vacation soon. Might be a good time to just let it go. Idk this will be tough so tough. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Pumpernickel said:

This alone should give you pause. I think it would benefit you if you dealt with your own "logisitcs" first, meaning your divorce et.al. Why not square that one away first and foremost? In the meantime, let him do his thing. He also needs time to process and deal with his own logistics, and future plans, and marriage, and emotions. You have no influence there, no matter how many songs you send him.

See: He'll decide what he'll decide, and I remember you saying that he already told you to back off and focus more on a friendship than a romance for now. That should tell you everything you need to know. Give him that space. He might not even want to divorce his wife and start a new life with somebody else. Sure, he's told you otherwise on occasion, but what does that mean in reality? Not much, really.

Moreover: You're also 3000 miles apart, which means there's no basis at all for anything solid to develop. I mean, even stable marriages & LTRs often can't survive a long-distance scenario, if one has to move to another state for work or whatever. And these are often people who've been together for quite some time, who have made vows and promises to share a life. 

I would really encourage you to think about that for a minute. The practical aspects. The distance. The logistics. Even IF emotions are strong & love was present, practically and realistically speaking (and statistically), it's not very likely that something serious, something more will develop between the 2 of you. 

I realize all of this. We had discussed demographics a few times. Being that he is so far away and it's such a big change on either end. 

[Myabee]

2 hours ago, Gatlin1982 said:

I completely understand, but as some great advice others have given to me in this situation, you wont stop wanting to hear his voice and craving that attention and conversation with him IF YOU KEEP HAVING IT WITH HIM, so stop doing it and every single day will be one step closer to recovery. I believe it's like a drug. You need to just break the habit. You do have a little luck on your side. You don't work together, you're miles apart, so there is no way of accidently running into each other, so what do you have to lose than some heartache? You're friendship is the illusion of an emotional affair. You will see that once you go NC. Just give it a try, go slow, go a week at a time.

I’m going to try. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Of course this is very true. And you are correct the friendship has to go. That part hurts the most. 

I know. I experienced that too.  If I'm super honest, it would've been great if he and I could've carved out a strictly platonic friendship because there were moments that we genuinely enjoyed each other's company.

I think we respected each other's world views and intellects when we talked. Those talks were too few for me, but it's because he relegated me to last place (after wife, kids, parents, extended family, job, and so on). I'm not ok with last place ever...but I accepted it by putting him above me at times. I would not recommend it. 

[glows]

51 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I am going on vacation soon. Might be a good time to just let it go. Idk this will be tough so tough. 

Will there be reception or service? 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I am going on vacation soon

Excellent. Yes keep your eyes off the phone and enjoy yourself. A change of scene will do you good and help you reflect.

[mark clemson]

Do you have regular, recurring "intrusive" thoughts and romantic fantasies about him, ie, (genuinely) can't stop thinking about him, or is this just more regular attraction and some "weakness" on your part?

[Myabee]

55 minutes ago, glows said:

Will there be reception or service? 

what are you talking about? 

[Myabee]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Do you have regular, recurring "intrusive" thoughts and romantic fantasies about him, ie, (genuinely) can't stop thinking about him, or is this just more regular attraction and some "weakness" on your part?

Regular attraction and weakness for sure.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, Myabee said:

what are you talking about? 

When you vacation, will there be cellphone reception?

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

When you vacation, will there be cellphone reception?

yes there will be 

[glows]

10 minutes ago, Myabee said:

yes there will be 

You don't have to respond to him at all. I hope you enjoy the vacation. This love/hate push/pull dysfunction must be so draining.

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

You don't have to respond to him at all. I hope you enjoy the vacation. This love/hate push/pull dysfunction must be so draining.

Yes it’s very draining and thank you. 

[glows]

5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes it’s very draining and thank you. 

I hear you... been there. You know there's one saying that kind of got to me when someone said it to me once. It was "it'll run its course". I think it's because it was the very person I was seeing at the time who said it, knew the relationship was not good and didn't have the balls to end it even though he was a jerk. This was ages ago, possibly the third guy I ever dated back then. Very annoying phrase but it stuck out. So whenever I sense that there may be an in-limbo phase I'm jolted out of it by that memory because I don't like living like that.