do they actually leave?

[MBT09]

No. They don’t leave for any reason other than it’s the right decision for solely them and their wife as a unit. They never ever leave for another woman or due to another woman’s influence.

His relationship with you right now is purely a symptom of his unhappiness with himself. Your relationship with him is not his cure. You’ll never be his cure and I know how badly you’re hanging on to a shred of hope because I did for years in my affair with a MM. I came to these message boards for three years pleading for help while also desperately looking for hope. 

Live your life from this day forward playing the solid odds that your MM is just an obstacle in your way to your own whole hearted and shameless happiness. And him and his wife - they got some growing up to do. 

 

 

 

[stillafool]

46 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Can you elaborate? This man has no kids. It's just her and it's no longer working for him. 

Since he has no kids and the only thing stopping him is his job out there, have you offered to move out there to make it happen?  If so, what was his response.  That should tell you if he's serious or not.

[Myabee]

31 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

All I can tell you is that nearly 60 years of life experience tells me he won't leave because .... why leave? He just occasionally sneak off to see you. His wife does not have a gun to his head, right? So he's in the relationship for his own reasons. No one is making him stay there. People stay in relationships all the time even if the relationships aren't very good. The relationship might need other needs the person has. 

 

I agree with all of what you said. Except for the part of occasionally sneaking off to see me. I am 3000 miles away and I don't see that happening. I did advise him that if he does not figure out how to get more of what he needs then there will be another me in his area and he will be full fledge cheating. I may sound crazy but I have been trying to get him to look at the real reasons he is still there, why exactly he would leave and more importantly I can't be the reason he left.  

[Myabee]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Since he has no kids and the only thing stopping him is his job out there, have you offered to move out there to make it happen?  If so, what was his response.  That should tell you if he's serious or not.

That is a great question. This we discussed back in Nov. He mentioned moving here. I mentioned moving there but that it would be much more difficult as my entire family is where I am. He understood that. Just so happens his entire family is near me. 

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Myabee said:

That is a great question. This we discussed back in Nov. He mentioned moving here. I mentioned moving there but that it would be much more difficult as my entire family is where I am. He understood that. Just so happens his entire family is near me. 

Was he hopeful you would move there or was he giving you excuses and saying it was best if he moved there? If he is anxious for you to move closer to him so you guys can be together there's a chance, but him having a wife but not kids and he is unhappy with her what is stopping him.  Okay I understand about his  job but he can move out and get an apartment so you can visit him for long periods.  There's no good reason for him to stay married to her if he's in love with you.

[BaileyB]

It’s your call, whether you decide to wait and hope… I wouldn’t. But, that’s just me. I don’t invest in things that have poor odds of working out. 

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Was he hopeful you would move there or was he giving you excuses and saying it was best if he moved there? If he is anxious for you to move closer to him so you guys can be together there's a chance, but him having a wife but not kids and he is unhappy with her what is stopping him.  Okay I understand about his  job but he can move out and get an apartment so you can visit him for long periods.  There's no good reason for him to stay married to her if he's in love with you.

He was hopeful but knew I wanted to be closer to elder parents. He was open to both. I think he loves both of us. Is that possible? 

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s your call, whether you decide to wait and hope… I wouldn’t. But, that’s just me. I don’t invest in things that have poor odds of working out. 

Yes... yes I do agree! 

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I think he loves both of us. Is that possible? 

Darling girl, read these boards… There are tons of men who want both a wife and another woman. Men who say they love both women, in very different ways. Because, both women serve very different purposes.

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, MBT09 said:

No. They don’t leave for any reason other than it’s the right decision for solely them and their wife as a unit. They never ever leave for another woman or due to another woman’s influence.

His relationship with you right now is purely a symptom of his unhappiness with himself. Your relationship with him is not his cure. You’ll never be his cure and I know how badly you’re hanging on to a shred of hope because I did for years in my affair with a MM. I came to these message boards for three years pleading for help while also desperately looking for hope. 

Live your life from this day forward playing the solid odds that your MM is just an obstacle in your way to your own whole hearted and shameless happiness. And him and his wife - they got some growing up to do. 

 

 

 

I'm sorry you sent through that. This is helpful. I never looked at it that way! Much appreciated. 

[Myabee]

2 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Darling girl, read these boards… There are tons of men who want both a wife and another woman. Men who say they love both women, in very different ways. Because, both women serve very different purposes.

I figured! This all hurts. 

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Darling girl, read these boards… There are tons of men who want both a wife and another woman. Men who say they love both women, in very different ways. Because, both women serve very different purposes.

Spot on. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Myabee, the long distance itself is a huge red flag. I really don't see this working out for you for many reasons. I think you should cut bait now before you invest more into this. 

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Myabee, the long distance itself is a huge red flag. I really don't see this working out for you for many reasons. I think you should cut bait now before you invest more into this. 

Now if only I could find it in me to do that. It is so difficult to cut the aporn strings here because we have become the best of friends. I firmly believe the worst pain is over though since it was in Nov after about 5 months in that he backed away from any sort of texting more then friends after we had spent a solid month talking about a real future. I was in tears and felt used and confused. Then some how I stuffed away the love ot tried anyway so we could remain besties. However, this new revelation that he sees life better with me then with her as of the recent threw me for a loop. I need to figure out how to not want to text and call him. Deep down I'm in love with him. Tough spot to be in . 

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Myabee said:

Do you really think that's true? I was checked out of my marriage for 16 years. It was easy to file. 

Maybe so, but divorce is a change even if you coasted along checked out. And yes, it's true this is a fling for him. You're wasting your time at best and will be heartbroken if you continue.

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, Myabee said:

I think he loves both of us. Is that possible? 

Yes; but that's dangerous for you because if he's still in love with her, even with their problems, he will not leave.  

[Myabee]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe so, but divorce is a change even if you coasted along checked out. And yes, it's true this is a fling for him. You're wasting your time at best and will be heartbroken if you continue.

I hear you. He does insist it's not a fling. I think he really needs to figure himself out. As for my My ending marriage it's been 12 months. I feel freeeeee!!! 

[Myabee]

6 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Yes; but that's dangerous for you because if he's still in love with her, even with their problems, he will not leave.  

Yes. I actually told him that. Do you want to know something? I have been trying to get him to work on his marriage. Before he left for that 3 day trip with her, I said look... this is an excellent time to talk and reconnect. Also an excellent time to aak for that sexual favor you have been missing. After he got back I got a Hi I'm home message.  I went onto ask how it went? Did he accomplish anything with her? He said I got her to fool around a little but she really did not want to as always. I also tried to get into stuff with her the tougher conversations and she walked away. 

Edited July 9, 2021 by Myabee

[Maria1956]

They have no children so if he hasn’t left by now then he probably won’t. The fact that he’s mentioning FWB is a huge flag, he sounds like a cake eater. I would run the other way from this, there’s only pain and uncertainty if you continue down this road. Read the posts on this forum, I was in complete denial about my own affair until I was utterly thrown under the bus on d-day by the man who said he couldn’t live without me. Save yourself the heartache and devastation so many others on this board have experienced. 

[Maria1956]

3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes. I actually told him that. Do you want to know something? I have been trying to get him to work on his marriage. Before he left for that 3 day trip with her, I said look... this is an excellent time to talk and reconnect. Also an excellent time to aak for that sexual favor you have been missing. After he got back I got a Hi I'm home message.  I went onto ask how it went? Did he accomplish anything with her? He said I got her to fool around a little but she really did not want to as always. I also tried to get into stuff with her the tougher conversations and she walked away. 

Don’t put yourself through this. How does it make you feel the two of them ‘fooling around?’

[Maria1956]

Also ask yourself why you are trying to get him to work on his marriage if you are in love with him?

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, Maria1956 said:

They have no children so if he hasn’t left by now then he probably won’t. The fact that he’s mentioning FWB is a huge flag, he sounds like a cake eater. I would run the other way from this, there’s only pain and uncertainty if you continue down this road. Read the posts on this forum, I was in complete denial about my own affair until I was utterly thrown under the bus on d-day by the man who said he couldn’t live without me. Save yourself the heartache and devastation so many others on this board have experienced. 

I brought up the FWB at first months ago he was not on board. It was after that trip that he said I concur to unmeet needs. He also said that he has been coasting along on a shaky foundation for years but because he was so use to not having needs meet and putting her first he just figured well I will deal with it. He has said many times then you came along. See and that makes me feel like hes putting it all  on me.😫

[Myabee]

3 minutes ago, Maria1956 said:

Don’t put yourself through this. How does it make you feel the two of them ‘fooling around?’

That did not make me feel good. Yet... knowing what I know about her idea of fooling around is so lame and no where near what hes looking for. Idk it's all maddening. 

[Myabee]

5 minutes ago, Maria1956 said:

Also ask yourself why you are trying to get him to work on his marriage if you are in love with him?

Why? Because I do not want him to leave for me. He has to leave for him!!!!! 

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

After he got back I got a Hi I'm home message.  I went onto ask how it went? Did he accomplish anything with her? He said I got her to fool around a little but she really did not want to as always. I also tried to get into stuff with her the tougher conversations and she walked away. 

The point is he's still willing to try to make it work and would have done those things whether you told him to try or not.  If his wife started giving him sex the way he wants and communicated more he would be happy.  She probably rejects him at every turn but if she didn't reject him he would be happy and not need another woman.  You don't want to end up being the OW who picks up her slack.