do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

21 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

He is trying to end this as gently as he can. Just a few days ago you were here threatening to blow up his life. Im sure he could sense your anger and thus the danger you are to him. This is the gentle let down. 

Do yourself a favor and accept this and move on. End this now while you have dignity and walk away. Start on focusing on yourself and the path to freedom from this man. 

He does not want it to end he wants me in his life forever 🤢🤢🤢

[Myabee]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

 

Well, yes. That's because he's been trying to keep up this friendship for awhile. You were mentioning he wants to have his cake and eat it too? Don't fall for it again. This is what he hooked you with the last time.

Exactly.Glow. You seem to understand the most. 

[Myabee]

9 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

Why? Just why? A text war? You have lost control of yourself. Stop engaging. Stop looking to him to fix this for you. Only you can fix this for yourself. It starts with NC (again).

Well at leadt you heard it from "the horse's mouth," so-to-speak. It is exactly the same ending as a majority of OW (not all to be fair to the few who ended up with their AP).

Just stop texting. 

Yes i know you are right. Just stop texting. I guess a part of me still feels like hes so confused and loves us both🤢

[HadMeOverABarrel]

38 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Yes and I blew it and it was all on text and now he wants to call me. I said no I'm busy 

^^^^games

You've lost control and now any attention is better than no attention, huh? (including playing the 'I'm pretending I don't want you right this second' but you are deperate enough to play games and too weak to stop--that's what you are really saying to him.)

If I were your friend and at your house right now, I'd BS tempted to duct tape your hands together and hide your devices until you get control of yourself again. 

[Myabee]

34 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

You are dragging out the ending. If you care about this man, let him go. 

😢

[Myabee]

1 minute ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

^^^^games

You've lost control and now any attention is better than no attention, huh? (including playing the 'I'm pretending I don't want you right this second' but you are deperate enough to play games and too weak to stop--that's what you are really saying to him.)

If I were your friend and at your house right now, I'd BS tempted to duct tape your hands together and hide your devices until you get control of yourself again. 

Lol! The way you put that is funny. i know its back to control... am I really done is the question. 

[IfWishesWereHorses]

7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He does not want it to end he wants me in his life forever 🤢🤢🤢

He wants you to accept you place. All the other stuff still stands. Pull everything away then offering crumbs. Classic.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

Yes i know you are right. Just stop texting. I guess a part of me still feels like hes so confused and loves us both🤢

No! YOU are confused. You made up your mind and then caved into your impulse to contact him. Rather than work through your emotions/pain, you went to the source of the pain expecting it to magically be different, but then you got...

More pain!

Seriously, you're acting like an alcoholic who wanted to prove to herself that she doesn't have a drinking problem by taking a drink. Upon losing control of herself, she starts swearing and cursing the bottle thinking it's the bottle's fault. Can you see how this analogy compares to what you're doing now?

Put it down. No more texting. Just stop. Get control of your lizard brain and stop the madness. 

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

He wants you to accept you place. All the other stuff still stands. Pull everything away then offering crumbs. Classic.

Is that what classic is? I would not know. 

[Myabee]

10 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

No! YOU are confused. You made up your mind and then caved into your impulse to contact him. Rather than work through your emotions/pain, you went to the source of the pain expecting it to magically be different, but then you got...

More pain!

Seriously, you're acting like an alcoholic who wanted to prove to herself that she doesn't have a drinking problem by taking a drink. Upon losing control of herself, she starts swearing and cursing the bottle thinking it's the bottle's fault. Can you see how this analogy compares to what you're doing now?

Put it down. No more texting. Just stop. Get control of your lizard brain and stop the madness. 

Lizzard brain? Can you be a tad bit more gental please. I get the analogy. Actually I think I need to back away from reading  and posting on here for a while. 

[Miss Spider]

I’m sorry you were played,  op. Sounds like he might not be happy but he doesn’t want to blow his life apart when he can just keep stepping out with people on the downlow and discard them later. Weak. Nc and start healing 

Edited August 17, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[HadMeOverABarrel]

15 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Lizzard brain? Can you be a tad bit more gental please. I get the analogy. Actually I think I need to back away from reading  and posting on here for a while. 

Yes. Brain has 3 levels. Inner most (primordial part) is for mere survival--this is the lizard brain. 

Middle part, more evolved, is where the limbic system resides--fight or flight. 

The front part is the most evolved and responsible for reasoning skills. 

You are reacting out of the more primal parts of your brain. When you stop texting, back to NC, you calm down your parasympathetic nervous system and get back into the reasoning part of your brain. Those are the basics. Google for more precise explanations. 

Edited August 18, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel

[RebeccaR]

It’s a learning experience breaking NC. You feel worse, right? Start again and remember how this feels. You may break it again - it’s ok, don’t be hard on yourself. Soon you won’t want to break NC at all because it makes you feel like s***.

[Myabee]

4 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

It’s a learning experience breaking NC. You feel worse, right? Start again and remember how this feels. You may break it again - it’s ok, don’t be hard on yourself. Soon you won’t want to break NC at all because it makes you feel like s***.

🥰🥰

[glows]

Myabee, there was earlier discussion about replacing the need to hear from him with other things: hobbies, tangibly. Or, seeking out other worthy endeavours/interests. It’s not easy to just stop. That takes incredible willpower and very few have that or can stop cold turkey without so much as a flutter. We fall and stumble too and sometimes being interested in hobbies and finding something new to be passionate about makes all the difference. Have some sort of big picture in mind.

Keep posting if it helps. 

[Myabee]

46 minutes ago, glows said:

Myabee, there was earlier discussion about replacing the need to hear from him with other things: hobbies, tangibly. Or, seeking out other worthy endeavours/interests. It’s not easy to just stop. That takes incredible willpower and very few have that or can stop cold turkey without so much as a flutter. We fall and stumble too and sometimes being interested in hobbies and finding something new to be passionate about makes all the difference. Have some sort of big picture in mind.

Keep posting if it helps. 

I know. i need to not love him.... thats a big problem. 😢

[glows]

15 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I know. i need to not love him.... thats a big problem. 😢

I cared about my ex loooooong after the realization that he was completely wrong for me dawned on me. But you stick to your convictions and don’t back down or mess up your life further for someone who doesn’t deserve to be a part of your life. On some level you realize I’m sure that life should be much more with someone than what he offers. So stick with that. 

[anika99]

7 hours ago, Myabee said:

Yes I can honestly say I’m not lonely anymore. And I’ve never lied to you although I do think I’ve been lying to myself about some things. But the medicine is working and I’m thinking clearer now. I did consider you my best friend too and maybe that can happen again someday. But I don’t know how that’s possible as long as you want more than that. 

 

The medication is the biggest recent change I don’t know that I was ever lonely. I think I felt isolated and lonely last year but I think that was a combination of the pandemic and my depression. And I think I was wallowing in that a bit and telling myself I was lonely and miserable.

I can see how his words would sting but I think he might actually be giving you some honesty here. Unfortunately cheaters do lie to themselves. They have to in order to justify their cheating. They tell themselves that they deserve the attention of their affair partner and then they rewrite the history of their marriage in order to give themselves permission to carry on the affair. Every minor transgression carried out by the spouse gets twisted into a major issue. That time she pushed him away because she was tired and those times that she didn't give him her total undivided attention because she was pre occupied, sometimes for justifiable reasons, those become unforgivable sins in the mind of the cheater while they turn themselves into absolute saints who have been abused. They gave so much, they did so much, blah blah blah, cue the violins. 

Yes he did lie to you and to himself so that he could ease his conscience while actively deceiving his spouse. The OW lies to themselves too. They tell themselves that sneaking around with a married man is okay because she knows that she loves the MM more than his spouse (which is impossible to know since they are not part of the marriage) and that the affair is of higher value and importance than a long term marriage. They twist themselves into pretzels to hang onto the lie that the MM really wants to be with them but simply can't because of any number of reasons. Kids, finances, location, etc. Meanwhile thousands of people in more complicated situations manage to end their marriages every week. Telling lies and believing in lies just go hand in hand when it comes to affairs. 

Now you are fighting with him over text trying to get him to suck you back in with lies and it's working. He is relenting and telling you the things that you want to hear and that you want to believe. Why do want to keep drowning in the lies? Get your head out of the water and take a breath of fresh air. Then walk away. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Better questoin: why do you keep doing this to yourself?

[Meerah]

On 8/12/2021 at 9:57 PM, Myabee said:

A few people suggested I do this. Perhaps this woman should know what her lying husband has been up to for a year! Plenty of video and text evidence to provide. No kids involved here so I don't feel like I'm busting apart a family! Should I do it???? 

My opinion may be different but as a BS I think they do need to know. If you did it out of being scorned,  out of hatred towards the MM it is fine. They should know, especially if the MM has a new one. It is not fair that they know nothing.  They should be given a chance to decide for themselves what to do with their cheating spouse.

 

[IfWishesWereHorses]

6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Is that what classic is? I would not know. 

Pretty classic behavior to keep you (someone) in their place. Sorry this is over, we’re done for good to I’d still love you to be in my life (as long as you know your place.) The more you read here the more you’ll realize how typical it is. Quite manipulative to be honest. Sorry for your pain. 

[Hurt4375]

8 hours ago, Trapped74 said:

Wrong. He wasn't happy with himself, THAT'S why he had an affair. Trying to fix something broken inside by using another broken person.

Wrong. You were knowingly sleeping with a married man. HURTING an innocent person. DECEIVING an innocent person. What are we, but a culmination of our actions? 

 

 

 

I wasn’t a broken person, I fell in love.

 

Yes I am responsible for my actions but I didn’t make vows to her he did 

 

 

 

[Daliah]

On 8/13/2021 at 6:58 PM, Myabee said:

No. I'm missing something that never existed. That being a friendship.  Friends don't do this to other friend's! I am guilty too and accept that. I am angry at myself for letting this go onto long. But I'm smart enough to know that I've done the right thing by not accepting his friendship offer because he is and never will be any kind of friend. I took another big step today and deleted his number from my phone. That has stirred me up. But it's what I had to do. 

The reason these MM ‘say’ they want to ‘be friends’ is so that you don’t blow up his marriage by telling his wife….

[NYAG]

19 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I'm not sure if it's still there or not, but there used to be a journal option on here ( I think). Would that be helpful to you?
Sorry this is still so fresh and painful for you. I know it may not feel like it now, but it won't be that long before  the fog will lift, and in that new sense of clarity, your healing will start. It's not going to be an easy road, but you'll come out a stronger and wiser person. ☺️

Some people journal their experiences by writing a blog. That can be very helpful. It's a useful 'brain dumping ground'.

[Myabee]

4 hours ago, Daliah said:

The reason these MM ‘say’ they want to ‘be friends’ is so that you don’t blow up his marriage by telling his wife….

I think there is some truth to that although mine has claimed after a solid 4 days of NC he missed me terribly and could barely function without me. Is it possible he loves his wife and me at the same time??