do they actually leave?

[Myabee]

12 minutes ago, LynneVicious said:

I wouldn’t be too quick to rule that out. Being in an affair is an addiction. All the hormones that are bouncing around and the highs that you feel when you are with him and talk with him.

Taking away the source of your feeling good and how do you feel?
Why do you think you break nc just to speak with him?

I feel in love with him innocently enough. So you must be right I have an addiction to the love. I broke NC to see if anything in his mind had changed with regard to a future. Clearly it has not and never will. This was going on 13 months it's going to take me a little time to move on. I am human.  

[LynneVicious]

6 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I feel in love with him innocently enough. So you must be right I have an addiction to the love. I broke NC to see if anything in his mind had changed with regard to a future. Clearly it has not and never will. This was going on 13 months it's going to take me a little time to move on. I am human.  

You have to be willing to help yourself. You must see that going after a married man is not innocent?? I am sure it is hard. But do the work now to heal so you can invest in a healthy relationship with a single available man in the future. 

Checking to see if he changes his mind is only delaying your healing and your ability to move on. 

[DingDang]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

He's taking the wife for granted? I'm not sure that will change as it seems she must accept that or does not realize it? I almost wish I could talk to the woman and be like WTH is up with your husband? Is he mental? Unstable? Like srsly. I would never do that though i just cant! 

Yes. She doesn't know about you, right? He's taking her for granted while he's getting his fix externally. If/when she finds out about you, his world is going to get shaken up.
Of course he's unstable. He's risking his whole world to carry on an affair. Don't get all sappy and think that's romantic. It's sick behavior and things will very likely eventually crumble around him. That's a heavy burden. It messes with one's head. 

[BlindsidedTwice]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

He wants me as a best friend and thats not happening!  

I got hung up on the “best friend” part too. I still really miss his friendship.

However, if you were truly his best friend, would you have helped him cheat on his wife? Is that what friends do?

Edited August 18, 2021 by BlindsidedTwice

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, DingDang said:

Yes. She doesn't know about you, right? He's taking her for granted while he's getting his fix externally. If/when she finds out about you, his world is going to get shaken up.
Of course he's unstable. He's risking his whole world to carry on an affair. Don't get all sappy and think that's romantic. It's sick behavior and things will very likely eventually crumble around him. That's a heavy burden. It messes with one's head. 

Wow. I needed this. I do see how he's taking her for granted. It seems he has no problem with disrespecting her, him self or me. I have allowed disrespect. It's def messing with his head based upon his behavior. He is so adamant he needs me as a best friend. One week he says he loves me then the next he has it all sorted out to stay with her. I think he is very messed up. I told him she the wife should be his best friend. He agrees then does nothing to change that!! I think he is bipolar.

[Myabee]

30 minutes ago, BlindsidedTwice said:

I got hung up on the “best friend” part too. I still really miss his friendship.

However, if you were truly his best friend, would you have helped him cheat on his wife? Is that what friends do?

No thats not what best friends do. Two people in love blinded by love do that and its not right. 

[RebeccaR]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

He wants me as a best friend and thats not happening!  

Good. However, don’t even think about how he would react to you turning down the friendship offer. I think you want the satisfaction of letting him know he can’t have what he wants. But by imagining his reaction, you are just prolonging your engagement. This should be about you - not about him.

[RebeccaR]

Don’t you see how this “love” affair is really just an exercise in ego boosting?

[DingDang]

Quote

Wow. I needed this. I do see how he's taking her for granted. It seems he has no problem with disrespecting her, him self or me. I have allowed disrespect. It's def messing with his head based upon his behavior. He is so adamant he needs me as a best friend. One week he says he loves me then the next he has it all sorted out to stay with her. I think he is very messed up. I told him she the wife should be his best friend. He agrees then does nothing to change that!! I think he is bipolar.

You're getting it! Proud of you. 

I think that unless a MM is a narcissist (cool and calculated without empathy) they're very likely to be all over the place emotionally and mentally. During his A, my H professed his undying love one day, then went cold and hard the next. Back and forth and back and forth. It was maddening, and I used the term "bipolar" too. It truly is textbook for them to be incredibly inconsistent with both the W and the AP. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

Don’t you see how this “love” affair is really just an exercise in ego boosting?

Absolutely. My real question is this? Is it a problem with himself or his wife or perhaps a combo of both? 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, RebeccaR said:

Good. However, don’t even think about how he would react to you turning down the friendship offer. I think you want the satisfaction of letting him know he can’t have what he wants. But by imagining his reaction, you are just prolonging your engagement. This should be about you - not about him.

I already know how he would react I turned it down and he is distraught. Probably just acting that way to hook me back in. Can’t have it your way MM... Your married!! 

[poppyfields]

22 hours ago, Myabee said:

I know. i need to not love him.... thats a big problem. 😢

I think it's okay to still love him, but learn to love him from a distance.  You may never stop loving him, but that doesn't mean you stop living your life.

Re breaking no contact, think mind over matter.  The more distant you are, the more he will think about you, wonder about you, it's human nature.   

Not that you should care what he thinks at this point, but I always like to end relationships on a high note, with him having good positive feelings about me versus some psycho who couldn't let go.  And I having good positive feelings about him too.

Doesn't mean we will ever get together again, but it's good for the soul and your emotional well being to leave each other with good positive feelings.

Don't be that woman who can't let go, and continues contact.  You are strong, resilient.  

Leave him (and yourself) with that.

 

[Myabee]

44 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think it's okay to still love him, but learn to love him from a distance.  You may never stop loving him, but that doesn't mean you stop living your life.

Re breaking no contact, think mind over matter.  The more distant you are, the more he will think about you, wonder about you, it's human nature.   

Not that you should care what he thinks at this point, but I always like to end relationships on a high note, with him having good positive feelings about me versus some psycho who couldn't let go.  And I having good positive feelings about him too.

Doesn't mean we will ever get together again, but it's good for the soul and your emotional well being to leave each other with good positive feelings.

Don't be that woman who can't let go, and continues contact.  You are strong, resilient.  

Leave him (and yourself) with that.

 

This is a nice post. I am not sure loving him from afar is a good idea. I think just focusing on other tasks is healthier for me. I feel like I owe him nothing. He played a game and that game is over. 

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Myabee said:

I am not sure loving him from afar is a good idea.

Maybe not, but you cannot force yourself to not love him, just like we cannot force ourselves to feel love for someone.  It's there, not there, we deal with it.

Hopefully the love will begin to die eventually but even if not, it's still okay.  Love is beautiful it doesn't have to be this painful torturous emotion.

Move on, cherish the memories.

My personal prayer for you is that you get to that place someday, of peace and acceptance.  

It's a beautiful place to be.  💛

 

Edited August 19, 2021 by poppyfields

[Daliah]

On 8/18/2021 at 8:07 AM, Hurt4375 said:

I wasn’t a broken person, I fell in love.

 

Yes I am responsible for my actions but I didn’t make vows to her he did 

 

 

 

Hmmm, that doesn’t wash really does it?  ‘I made the decision to give my body and my feelings to a man I am fully aware is someone else’s philandering husband because I wanted to’…

 Vows or not, you got in between the sheets with two people. It’s just that one was fast asleep….

[NYAG]

21 hours ago, Myabee said:

I think there is some truth to that although mine has claimed after a solid 4 days of NC he missed me terribly and could barely function without me. Is it possible he loves his wife and me at the same time??      

Yes. I believe it is perfectly possible to love more than one person at the same time but for different reasons and for different needs. Polyamory is a real thing and demonstrates this too.

[NYAG]

20 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

I did one a while back for a different reason. I used Word Press and figured no one would ever se e it but me, but there was a small chance it might help someone.
Oddly enough, I got a lot of views, and a handful did say the blog helped them. Their feedback was really useful to me, and I'm not sure why, but knowing taht I helped even just one person made me feel better. It forced me to put my own emotional house in order.

OP, you have a knack for writing and may find it cathartic.  NYAG's idea , in my opinion, is a great one. I found it helpful to sit down and let it all out and then go back later on and reread and  edit it. That way, I'd ave to really think about what I wanted to say, and more importantly, why. Why are you willing to endure heartache for this guy when you can clearly do so much better?  You ave so much to offer and you're wasting your mental and emotional energy  on this guy!

I have been writing about my dating experiences for about 3 years now, since I decided I no longer wanted to have a single monogamous relationship. It's very transient and I have changed a lot as I have learned to pick apart why I do what I do, but it's been a very useful thing and I have had conversations with all sorts of people there from OWs to MMs to everything in between. I need to talk somewhere and at something, and I find doing it anonymously much easier. I would never talk to anyone I really know about what I get up to. So this is a good place for it. Keep things anonymous though. I have friends who used to write about their dating lives and got found out and some of the end results were awful.  

[Myabee]

6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Maybe not, but you cannot force yourself to not love him, just like we cannot force ourselves to feel love for someone.  It's there, not there, we deal with it.

Hopefully the love will begin to die eventually but even if not, it's still okay.  Love is beautiful it doesn't have to be this painful torturous emotion.

Move on, cherish the memories.

My personal prayer for you is that you get to that place someday, of peace and acceptance.  

It's a beautiful place to be.  💛

 

I understand what you're saying but I really feel there is nothing to cherish anymore. This man played a game with my heart. That's a pretty low thing to do. Also low of me to disrepsct his MM status. The kind of acceptance I need is to fully accept I should never let it get that far to begin with once my feelings of friendship were shifting. Your post comes from a very loving place though and I certainly appreciate that. 😊 

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Myabee said:

I understand what you're saying but I really feel there is nothing to cherish anymore. This man played a game with my heart. That's a pretty low thing to do. Also low of me to disrepsct his MM status. The kind of acceptance I need is to fully accept I should never let it get that far to begin with once my feelings of friendship were shifting. 

This insight should help you move forward

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

This insight should help you move forward

Yesssssssssss👏

[DingDang]

14 hours ago, Myabee said:

Absolutely. My real question is this? Is it a problem with himself or his wife or perhaps a combo of both? 

Why do you care? 

Really, the problem is always with the person who chooses betrayal over honesty. 

[Myabee]

1 hour ago, DingDang said:

Why do you care? 

Really, the problem is always with the person who chooses betrayal over honesty. 

That makes sense. And he is not honest at all! He's a crumb. 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, DingDang said:

Really, the problem is always with the person who chooses betrayal over honesty. 

Completely false. Sometimes, if not often, the prospect of losing their partner is what the BS needs to start fixing the problems in their marriage, such as loss of connection, lack of intimacy, etc.

I have zero doubt that some significant % of BSs are actually very difficult partners.

Edited August 19, 2021 by mark clemson

[Myabee]

32 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Completely false. Sometimes, if not often, the prospect of losing their partner is what the BS needs to start fixing the problems in their marriage, such as loss of connection, lack of intimacy, etc.

I have zero doubt that some significant % of BSs are actually very difficult partners.

I agree and I think what happens mark is those problems are not addressed and the situation turns into roommates who pretty much live with each other then one is at a low point enough to give into temptation. For example the MM I was involved with was ok with not fixing issues or perhaps even a coward to ask for what he wanted then I came along and that temptation was broke down. 

[elaine567]

49 minutes ago, Myabee said:

For example the MM I was involved with was ok with not fixing issues or perhaps even a coward to ask for what he wanted then I came along and that temptation was broke down. 

How do you know there were any issues in his marriage?
You know because HE told you there were...
The guy looking for an affair with you, told you there were.

Edited August 19, 2021 by elaine567