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do they actually leave?


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1 hour ago, Myabee said:

It's so messed up. 

Yup! The fact that you are even entertaining the idea is really messed up…

The quality of each of our lives is a direct reflection of the choices we make. Chose wisely. 

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43 minutes ago, S2B said:

That’s a LONG time allowing an unavailable man to waste YOUR time!

he’s a time waster! Mainly because he wants you paying attention to him! … to feed HIS ego!

just stop!

I kinda agree, but you have to consider that that time it was during lockdown, during that time you make stronger connections remotely than ever before. Even before lockdown, if you have the time and job that let's you text all day you generate a strong connection/addiction to that contact, but it's made stronger during lockdown.

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6 hours ago, Myabee said:

Oh no! Major turn of events.🤢 I got text a copy of a plane ticket saying. I need to see you. Our situation is a mess. Clear your calendar for Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. My flight arrives Saturday on the East Coast. What the flipping F?????? Help! I did not reply. 

This would appeal to the damsel in distress. He's coming to fix a mess or so he believes. I think that's why so many still stay hooked. It's because a person feels they need the help or the fixing and the other person to be there. 

If you've got yourself sorted by now or on your way out of this, you know you don't need him to fix anything. You've fixed the situation yourself, realizing that he's not the one for you, and are moving on.

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On 8/13/2021 at 9:24 AM, Myabee said:

Srsly? That is what they do? Well wth? I mean come on already! 😕

Yes. Straight from the cheaters handbook. Classic stuff, really. Your naiveté is remarkable. Look around here a bit more and youll see not only the same words used, but the same exact sentences.  Your situation was no different than most and your affair was not special.  It was an affair with a MM

THIS IS WHAT THEY ALL DO. Im not being mean, spiteful, or hateful. Im being honest. You asked "srsly?" Yes. Seriously. This is what cheaters do

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6 hours ago, RebeccaR said:

If he feels guilty about leaving her alone, he’s likely to continue contact with her, isn’t he? Just to make sure she has what she needs and she’s taken care of. Even if he leaves her and doesn’t go back - which frankly is a big if -  his guilt will always be there

I have to be in contact with my stbeh due to kids so why would I care if he stayed in contact with her? 

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ExpatInItaly
7 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I have to be in contact with my stbeh due to kids so why would I care if he stayed in contact with her? 

Because you would probably start fearing he's doing behind your back what he did behind hers. 

You certainly know he's capable of it. 

 

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I guess he is doing this again under the guise of  "visiting family"...
He sensed he was losing you completely so he needs to make a grand gesture to keep you on board.
That, he figures will keep you sweet enough until the next time...

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2 hours ago, glows said:

This would appeal to the damsel in distress. He's coming to fix a mess or so he believes. I think that's why so many still stay hooked. It's because a person feels they need the help or the fixing and the other person to be there. 

If you've got yourself sorted by now or on your way out of this, you know you don't need him to fix anything. You've fixed the situation yourself, realizing that he's not the one for you, and are moving on.

No. You have me all wrong Glows if you feel as though I have presented myself as a damsal in distress. I have acted just the opposite. He knows I'm strong and an independent woman. What's happened here is I have cracked this mans code. I've made him question his so called happy marriage of contentment. I'm the first person to come along and do that. I've gotten to the root of the things he knows deep down that he can't live with for the next 30-40 years with her. One being the direction of her future goals when retired to him he cant see himself being happy with that. Then the fact that for about 15 year of their 18 year marriage zero intercourse. She hates it and wont do it. That's a big-one for him. The only physical intimacy they have had in many years is a peck on the cheek and a hand hold on occasion. He attends most activities and events alone and he's sick of it. Grant it this could all be lies but where do I draw the line at truth? I guess by actions of him putting together a plan to actually leave! I'm not so sure I am sorted out because clearly I'm still in love with him. Do you see my point?   

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7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I guess he is doing this again under the guise of  "visiting family"...
He sensed he was losing you completely so he needs to make a grand gesture to keep you on board.
That, he figures will keep you sweet enough until the next time...

He made no reference to visiting family but i assume you are correct.   

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3 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I kinda agree, but you have to consider that that time it was during lockdown, during that time you make stronger connections remotely than ever before. Even before lockdown, if you have the time and job that let's you text all day you generate a strong connection/addiction to that contact, but it's made stronger during lockdown.

Look. When I reached out I was busy. However like most of us I had more downtime allowing more time to text, call face time and so forth growing that connection.

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4 hours ago, S2B said:

That’s a LONG time allowing an unavailable man to waste YOUR time!

he’s a time waster! Mainly because he wants you paying attention to him! … to feed HIS ego!

just stop!

Oh I was straight up about the ego stroke and how I would not tolerate being that to him. He either gets his act together and has the difficult talks with her to move toward a divorce of he dosent. I made it clear I am not his delightful donut after super! I refuse to be that!!!!!!     

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6 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yup! The fact that you are even entertaining the idea is really messed up…

The quality of each of our lives is a direct reflection of the choices we make. Chose wisely. 

We him and I have made a freaking mess here! Neither of us clearly deep down wants to let go but know we can't stay this way. 

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6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Wait did I miss something. Mya did he say he was going to live her and come visit you? Maybe he’s unhappy enough and will leave her. Is there a lot of house they have together or something? He might feel tied by other obligations due to what he said. Mainly financial since no kids? Whatever though, people leave their spouses for the other person all the time. It’s not likely,  but it happens. Hope it works out for you anyway 

He sent me a text with a picture of a plane ticket. He wants to spend a few days in person with me. I too think its a money thing that keeps him shes 4 years older and makes more. They have no fancy house, just a modest one. Thanks for being there for me cookie xxx 

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6 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Not gonna happen, she's heavy into the throes of addiction, he is her drug of choice.   And she may be on a super high right about now.

I have been there myself, I know.   And understand.

With every high this man takes her to, there is always the crash. 

You just have to decide if the high is worth the crash afterwards and wish you the best of luck with that decision.

 

 

Poppy that is not true. I do not feel addicted to him. I fell in love. If you see that as addiction so be it.  

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7 hours ago, IfWishesWereHorses said:

He’s all over the place. What do you think about all this?? I’m curious if you take each thing he says to heart, or just the things you want to hear or just the most recent things. In, what? 24 hours he’s been all over the place. Does that sound like an emotionally mature person? I don’t think this has as much to do with his SO (or you for that matter ) as it does with his own issues. Are you willing to risk that? You know he’s constantly waivering. You’ve waivered yourself in this thread. It’s pretty risky. Are you willing to take that risk based on where he obviously is? 

Yess! He is all over the place and he feels a mess. I get that because It's a huge life change. How do I feel? A bit of a mess to trying to sort through it all🤢

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I think what I will reply back is this:

So you are getting on a plane with the sole intention to spend time with me. What is it that you expect to accomplish during that time? Are you prepared for deep conversations about a future with me and how to make that happen? Do some serious thinking because I have better things I can do with my time. 

 

 

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You are playing the pick me dance.
 You think, and he has led you to believe, he is weighing up the possibility of being with you or staying with his wife.
But that may not be true, and you trying to force his hand may not make a blind bit of difference.
This trip may because he is just so horny and NEEDS to see you.
Once his ardour is satisfied he may reset to his "confused" state...
Be prepared for nothing actually changing...
Prising older men out of marriages is very often not an easy task.

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4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are playing the pick me dance.
 You think, and he has led you to believe, he is weighing up the possibility of being with you or staying with his wife.
But that may not be true, and you trying to force his hand may not make a blind bit of difference.
This trip may because he is just so horny and NEEDS to see you.
Once his ardour is satisfied he may reset to his "confused" state...
Be prepared for nothing actually changing...
Prising older men out of marriages is very often not an easy task.

No! I am not saying pick me! He needs to figure out WTH he wants from me/ her. And who said I would give him sex? I refuse to be a pawn! 

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I personally would never put myself in this position. If a man does not choose me then I am not interested.

This man has put you in competition with his wife. He doesn't know which one to choose and that does not bode well for any future you may have. Most people who find themselves in a 'torn between two lovers'  situation are confused because they know neither is actually good enough on their own.

If this man was mad about you then his wife would not exist in his eyes and he would choose you. As it is he goes back and forth not knowing what the hell to do.

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20 minutes ago, Myabee said:

He needs to figure out WTH he wants from me/ her.

He already sent you several messages explaining the situation (he doesn’t want to leave, he isn’t really that unhappy with her, etc). Why do you think after 13 months he will suddenly “figure it out”? I think your 4 days of NC made him miss you and he’s still trying to find a way to have both of you. I do not believe seeing him or messaging with him is good for you because nothing will change in those 3 days, or probably ever.

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ExpatInItaly

I would tell him he's wasting his time and money unless he has filed for legal separation and has moved out. 

Period. 

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6 minutes ago, RebeccaR said:

He already sent you several messages explaining the situation (he doesn’t want to leave, he isn’t really that unhappy with her, etc). Why do you think after 13 months he will suddenly “figure it out”? I think your 4 days of NC made him miss you and he’s still trying to find a way to have both of you. I do not believe seeing him or messaging with him is good for you because nothing will change in those 3 days, or probably ever.

And the goal would be to say hey look you cant have us both. I'm not stupid. If he can't make a change in the future then he has no place in my life. He is back and forth and I will allow one more chance for him to show me more concreate evidence  that he can have the much needed conversation with her about the true reasons he is no happy! He is not a happily married man. End of story.  

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3 minutes ago, Myabee said:

I will allow one more chance for him to show me more concreate evidence

Which would consist of...?

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How does meeting him in person further your goal of having him make a final decision one way or another? He can make the final decision on the west coast, can’t he? He is banking on your weakness for him when you see him in person - and he’s probably right. He will try to cajole you to stand by him while he takes time with this difficult decision 🙄

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typo
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IfWishesWereHorses

I’m afraid you’re choosing the thing you want to hear. Im afraid he’s heard, I’ll accept you as you are and continue to play second fiddle because I love you. 
Maybe I missed something but this guy just did a complete 180 on a dime. That’s not something I’d hang my heart on. Im afraid you’re going to be disappointed if you offer him, one more one last chance. 

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