Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 Just now, stillafool said: The point is he's still willing to try to make it work and would have done those things whether you told him to try or not. If his wife started giving him sex the way he wants and communicated more he would be happy. She probably rejects him at every turn but if she didn't reject him he would be happy and not need another woman. You don't want to end up being the OW who picks up her slack. I agree with that! I am brining this up with him. You guys have been so very helpful to me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 14 hours ago, Myabee said: . One reaching out message to an old classmate which was totally innocent, has turned into two people who have fallen madly in love. Who reached out to who? Link to post Share on other sites
Elsa888 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) Myabee, the short answer to your question is 'sometimes'. But, in my experience, as a divorced female with many divorced female friends , is, that if they are going to leave they will do it within the first 6 months of meeting the OW, usually sooner. They just pack their bags and go. All this talk about "waiting until the lids have left for college, sorting out my finances, " etc. is BS and just stringing you along. Is this what you really want? Edited July 9, 2021 by Elsa888 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 20 minutes ago, Elsa888 said: Myabee, the short answer to your question is 'sometimes'. But, in my experience, as a divorced female with many divorced female friends , is, that if they are going to leave they will do it within the first 6 months of meeting the OW, usually sooner. They just pack their bags and go. All this talk about "waiting until the lids have left for college, sorting out my finances, " etc. is BS and just stringing you along. Is this what you really want? He has no kids! I am the one with grown kids and not living with soon to be ex. He is 3000 miles away and we just came out of a pandemic. In this case I did not expect him to pack up and leave. I gave him a timeline of 2 years... given the distance Link to post Share on other sites
Elsa888 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Quote I gave him a timeline of 2 years... given the distance And is he sticking to your imposed timeline? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 35 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Who reached out to who? I have known him since HS. He has been on my social media for 10 plus years. During the pandemic, i started reaching out to people that were on my friends list but I never asked how they were doing. He was one of those people. After first contact we got to chatting and it all went from there. I swear to you it was 100% innocent. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 minute ago, Elsa888 said: And is he sticking to your imposed timeline? He has no problem with that timeline. It gives us both time to sort through personal stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Elsa888 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Quote He has no problem with that timeline. It gives us both time to sort through personal stuff. Then why are you asking this board for advice? You'll get your answer one way or another when the 2 years are up! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 7 minutes ago, Elsa888 said: Then why are you asking this board for advice? You'll get your answer one way or another when the 2 years are up! Because he goes back and forth as far as doing the work on his end Link to post Share on other sites
Elsa888 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Myabee, Your original question was 'do they ever leave' which I answered. Now it seems that the question has changed to 'will he (the guy you are involved with) leave?' The answer is 'how long is a piece of string?' In other words no-one knows, because no-one on this board is a mind-reader. You say Quote He has no problem with that timeline. but then you say Quote he goes back and forth as far as doing the work on his end so which is it? Is he genuinely making plans for you to be together or is he just shilly-shallying about? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 9 minutes ago, Myabee said: Because he goes back and forth as far as doing the work on his end If that is true, what does that tell you? Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 4 hours ago, Myabee said: Now if only I could find it in me to do that. It is so difficult to cut the aporn strings here because we have become the best of friends. I firmly believe the worst pain is over though since it was in Nov after about 5 months in that he backed away from any sort of texting more then friends after we had spent a solid month talking about a real future. I was in tears and felt used and confused. Then some how I stuffed away the love ot tried anyway so we could remain besties. However, this new revelation that he sees life better with me then with her as of the recent threw me for a loop. I need to figure out how to not want to text and call him. Deep down I'm in love with him. Tough spot to be in . I don't feel the worst pain is over, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what is best for yourself. I want to challenge some of your thoughts to hopefully help you see this clearly because currently you are clouded by emotion. You have developed an emotional dependence on this person. This is a person who is emotionally unavailable to you for several reasons. The three most glaring are 1) he is married to someone else, 2) he lives thousands of miles away, 3) he's shown you he is unstable with his plans. Can you see why this is not a good person on which to have an emotional dependence. All your love, adoration, etc. can't change these facts. Also, a bestie is someone who you can call in times of duress and they will come running to your aid. If you were to land in the hospital, could/would he come running to your side to physically look after you? If you fell down some steps, would be come to help cook, clean, go grocery shopping for you while you recover? If something happened to someone you care about, would he come hold you while you cry? Nope, none of these things because he's just not available. You may have been in a vulnerable spot when you first connected with this person, and then emotionally attached thinking he was going to meet some of your needs. But he really can't meet your needs since he's unavailable. Why not let him divorce, move to where you live, get to know him in person for several months by spending time with him before deciding he is your whole universe? If you want to figure out how to not call/text him, read other threads in the OW/OM section here. There's plenty of good counsel in those to assistb you with no contact. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: You have developed an emotional dependence on this person. This is a person who is emotionally unavailable to you for several reasons. The three most glaring are 1) he is married to someone else, 2) he lives thousands of miles away, 3) he's shown you he is unstable with his plans. Can you see why this is not a good person on which to have an emotional dependence. Well said! 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, BaileyB said: If that is true, what does that tell you? I'll help OP out on this one because she probably can't see straight right now. Myabee, him going back and forth as far as doing the work on his end means he is not moving forward with you. He may appear SOMETIMES like he is (to keel you on his string), but then he backs off because he's not really making any changes. This is the typical push/pull cycle you can read about in this section of the forum. It's like, 'I pull you in when I want you. I push you away when you want me.' 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 37 minutes ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: I'll help OP out on this one because she probably can't see straight right now. Myabee, him going back and forth as far as doing the work on his end means he is not moving forward with you. He may appear SOMETIMES like he is (to keel you on his string), but then he backs off because he's not really making any changes. This is the typical push/pull cycle you can read about in this section of the forum. It's like, 'I pull you in when I want you. I push you away when you want me.' Perhaps, he is just truly undecided about what he wants for his future. That to me would be a huge red flag. I want a man who choses me unequivocally and that means making the decisions that need to be made to bring this together. I would settle for nothing less. I think your suggestion to let this go and tell him to look OP up when he moves closer to her and he has divorce papers in hand is a good one. It is exactly what I would do - and I wouldn’t wait for him. I would continue to live my own life.I’m would continue to date. As we see so many times in so many ways on this board, forming an emotional attachment with an unavailable individual brings nothing but heartache. And this guy is unavailable in more ways than one… Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Myabee said: Yes. I actually told him that. Do you want to know something? I have been trying to get him to work on his marriage. Before he left for that 3 day trip with her, I said look... this is an excellent time to talk and reconnect. Also an excellent time to aak for that sexual favor you have been missing. After he got back I got a Hi I'm home message. I went onto ask how it went? Did he accomplish anything with her? He said I got her to fool around a little but she really did not want to as always. I also tried to get into stuff with her the tougher conversations and she walked away. This is ridiculous. The OW (you) cannot also be his marriage counselor. If you really wanted him to work on his marriage then you wouldn't be talking to him at all because he cannot give his marriage a fair chance so long as he is comparing his wife to a fantasy. And really that's all you two are to each other at this point, just a make believe fantasy. You don't really know this guy. I'm sure you will refute that by saying you have spent literally hours and hours talking and you have listened to him bare his soul and you know him better than his wife because of all he has told you but talking to a person is really only a small facet of getting to know someone. Relationships have a natural progression. They start off with getting to know each other a little bit through talking but then the participants move on to experiencing life together. They go out, they do things together, they see each other in a variety of different situations. They soon move on to meeting each other's family and friends. They learn how the other interacts with others and live, they see first hand how the other deals with conflict, with love, with anger, etc. Here you are 11 months into this and your relationship hasn't progressed beyond the initial deep talks phase and all you have really learned about this guy is that he is a passive conflict avoidant guy (literally one of the worst types of guys to get involved with) who is okay with lying and sneaking around on his spouse. Because of the distance and the nature of your relationship there has been no progression beyond the infatuation stage of first meeting someone and becoming attracted. You say that you were checked out of your marriage for 16yrs. Well when you have spent that long in a relationship that is a dead end, that hasn't met your needs or given you any satisfaction and that was maybe devoid of love and affection for many years, it's really easy to fall hard for the first person to come along and give you some of what you have been missing but that doesn't mean that is the right person for you or that this is truly love. It's sad to me that you spent so many years in an unfulfilling marriage only to now be in this situation. You said you are freeeeee now, but is this really free? Sitting in wait for a married man? You settled for less in your marriage and now you are just settling for less again. 6 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Prudence V Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 1 hour ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: This is a person who is emotionally unavailable to you for several reasons. The three most glaring are 1) he is married to someone else, 2) he lives thousands of miles away, 3) he's shown you he is unstable with his plans. @Myabee you asked “do they actually leave?” The answer is “sometimes” - my H is one who did. But, as these boards show, it’s a small proportion who do - just as a small proportion of dating turns into marriage. Most relationships, of any kind, are self-limiting. That said, your A with him has some things in its favour, and some challenges. In its favour are that there are no kids involved, and that he sees (or claims to see) “no future” with his BW. Among the challenges are those that @HadMeOverABarrel listed (above). The first two are not insurmountable - my H was married (with kids), and he and I lived on separate continents, about 6 000 miles apart, during the A. We managed to make the A work for more than 3 years, and managed to overcome the distance (and other challenges) and get together. But the big difference was, I was never unsure of his commitment to making it work. Once we decided we wanted to be together f/t, we had a timeline and a plan, and we stuck to it (well, he was ahead of it, moved out and ready before I was). If you are unsure of his commitment to making this work, that is a warning sign that he might not be as invested in this future as you are. You both have challenges - moving away from family vs moving away from his employment prospects, for example - but these are issues you could find a creative solution to I’d you were both fully committed to being together. If he’s not showing you that he’s all in, he’s not all in. Be careful to invest too heavily if he’s not matching your investment. The one who cares more is the one who gets hurt if it doesn’t work out - and he’s not giving you the reassurance you need, so it’s looking like you care more than he does. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I think your suggestion to let this go and tell him to look OP up when he moves closer to her and he has divorce papers in hand is a good one. It is exactly what I would do - and I wouldn’t wait for him. I would continue to live my own life.I’m would continue to date. As we see so many times in so many ways on this board, forming an emotional attachment with an unavailable individual brings nothing but heartache. And this guy is unavailable in more ways than one… Yep, took a lot of pain for me to learn this. In my case (and I share it in case it's useful for others), my mother is pathologically narcissist and exploitive. I learned from an early age that to get any of my needs met, I had to do for her first...and usually do much more to get a little. That clearly set me up to give a lot and expect little in my adult relationships. My emotional affair with xMM brought it all to a head for me. He shares many of the personality characteristics of my mother. In therapy I started to unpack these patterns and the underlying traumas. I can't say I'm 100% because narcissists still trigger me--I can get locked into a freeze for days following narcissist abuse. However, I typically emerge and am able to fight back. I couldn't fight back as a child. My voice was silenced and my needs were ignored largely. I grew up feeling that my mother didn't know me at all nor cared to. She only cared about bragging about my accomplishments to make her look good. This is relevant because affairs can be hotbeds for playing out codependent tendencies--replaying childhood traumas subconciously, finding ourselves stuck again and again, and struggling to find our way out. The push/pull pattern I had with xMM (and a few other romantic relationships in my past) was familiar from my childhood. I wish more people who find themselves here would open themselves to the possibility, or likelihood, that it's not so much their AP that keeps them glued to the A; rather, it's those old traumas/wounds/patterns that are coming up to be healed. Edited July 9, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 Quote do they actually leave? Sometimes. Generally it's not something you want to bet the farm on though. Lots of good advice above, I'll just add - be aware of how much of your life you're committing to something that has fairly low odds. The same could be said of dating generally, although the obstacles are certainly higher when someone's already married. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Myabee said: an excellent time to aak for that sexual favor you have been missing. Is he whining to you that he doesn't get BJs? Are those "his needs"? Maybe he seems good from afar, fills a lonely void, etc. When you feel better you'll wake up from this . Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 2 hours ago, Myabee said: He has no kids! I am the one with grown kids and not living with soon to be ex. He is 3000 miles away and we just came out of a pandemic. In this case I did not expect him to pack up and leave. I gave him a timeline of 2 years... given the distance Two years is an exceptionally long time to get things sorted, considering there are no children involved. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 3 hours ago, Myabee said: Why? Because I do not want him to leave for me. He has to leave for him!!!!! Well then, you tell him to contact you with divorce papers in hand and a more reasonable postal code. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 9, 2021 Share Posted July 9, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Myabee said: knowing what I know about her idea of fooling around is so lame and no where near what hes looking for. What exactly do you know about their marriage? Your source of information is… a man who is lying to his wife about his relationship with you. Who’s to say that he’s not lying to you about their marriage? And who’s to say he would not be happily married if she would just give him that sexual favor? It always befuddles me when affair partners say they encourage their other to work on their marriage. That can’t possibly be true or you wouldn’t be involving yourself in their marriage. How exactly would you feel OP if your husband was sharing intimate details of your marriage with another woman? Does that honour you as his wife and show a commitment to work on the marriage? Further, when people say that they want their other to make the decision to divorce on their own (while still in a relationship with their affair partner). Oh, the mental gymnastics people do trying to convince themselves that they have no agenda - when they clearly have an agenda. Edited July 9, 2021 by BaileyB 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 2 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said: I'll help OP out on this one because she probably can't see straight right now. Myabee, him going back and forth as far as doing the work on his end means he is not moving forward with you. He may appear SOMETIMES like he is (to keel you on his string), but then he backs off because he's not really making any changes. This is the typical push/pull cycle you can read about in this section of the forum. It's like, 'I pull you in when I want you. I push you away when you want me.' 🤢🤢 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myabee Posted July 9, 2021 Author Share Posted July 9, 2021 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Two years is an exceptionally long time to get things sorted, considering there are no children involved. The kind of job he has is hard to get in my area!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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