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do they actually leave?


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34 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

What exactly do you know about their marriage? Your source of information is… a man who is lying to his wife about his relationship with you. Who’s to say that he’s not lying to you about their marriage? And who’s to say he would not be happily married if she would just give him that sexual favor? 

It always befuddles me when affair partners say they encourage their other to work on their marriage. That can’t possibly be true or you wouldn’t be involving yourself in their marriage. How exactly would you feel OP if your husband was sharing intimate details of your marriage with another woman? Does that honour you as his wife and show a commitment to work on the marriage? Further, when people say that they want their other to make the decision to divorce on their own (while still in a relationship with their affair partner). Oh, the mental gymnastics people do trying to convince themselves that they have no agenda - when they clearly have an agenda.

I agree! And he even said what he was doing was wrong and backed away. But then came around again. Admits to being highly conflicted. 

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3 hours ago, HadMeOverABarrel said:

I don't feel the worst pain is over, but that shouldn't stop you from doing what is best for yourself. 

I want to challenge some of your thoughts to hopefully help you see this clearly because currently you are clouded by emotion. You have developed an emotional dependence on this person. This is a person who is emotionally unavailable to you for several reasons. The three most glaring are 1) he is married to someone else, 2) he lives thousands of miles away, 3) he's shown you he is unstable with his plans. Can you see why this is not a good person on which to have an emotional dependence. All your love, adoration, etc. can't change these facts. 

Also, a bestie is someone who you can call in times of duress and they will come running to your aid. If you were to land in the hospital, could/would he come running to your side to physically look after you?  If you fell down some steps, would be come to help cook, clean, go grocery shopping for you while you recover? If something happened to someone you care about, would he come hold you while you cry? Nope, none of these things because he's just not available. 

You may have been in a vulnerable spot when you first connected with this person, and then emotionally attached thinking he was going to meet some of your needs. But he really can't meet your needs since he's unavailable. 

Why not let him divorce, move to where you live, get to know him in person for several months by spending time with him before deciding he is your whole universe?

If you want to figure out how to not call/text him, read other threads in the OW/OM section here. There's plenty of good counsel in those to assistb you with no contact. 

You gave me a ton to ponder here. 

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2 hours ago, anika99 said:

This is ridiculous. The OW (you) cannot also be his marriage counselor. If you really wanted him to work on his marriage then you wouldn't be talking to him at all because he cannot give his marriage a fair chance so long as he is comparing his wife to a fantasy. And really that's all you two are to each other at this point, just a make believe fantasy. You don't really know this guy. I'm sure you will refute that by saying you have spent literally hours and hours talking and you have listened to him bare his soul and you know him better than his wife because of all he has told you but talking to a person is really only a small facet of getting to know someone. Relationships have a natural progression. They start off with getting to know each other a little bit through talking but then the participants move on to experiencing life together. They go out, they do things together, they see each other in a variety of different situations. They soon move on to meeting each other's family and friends. They learn how the other interacts with others and live, they see first hand how the other deals with conflict, with love, with anger, etc. Here you are 11 months into this and your relationship hasn't progressed beyond the initial deep talks phase and all you have really learned about this guy is that he is a passive conflict avoidant guy (literally one of the worst types of guys to get involved with) who is okay with lying and sneaking around on his spouse. Because of the distance and the nature of your relationship there has been no progression beyond the infatuation stage of first meeting someone and becoming attracted. 

You say that you were checked out of your marriage for 16yrs. Well when you have spent that long in a  relationship that is a dead end, that hasn't met your needs or given you any satisfaction and that was maybe devoid of love and affection for many years, it's really easy to fall hard for the first person to come along and give you some of what you have been missing but that doesn't mean that is the right person for you or that this is truly love. It's sad to me that you spent so many years in an unfulfilling marriage only to now be in this situation. You said you are freeeeee now, but is this really free? Sitting in wait for a married man?  You settled for less in your marriage and now you are just settling for less again. 

Why do you say he is conflict avoident? 

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1 hour ago, Myabee said:

Why do you say he is conflict avoident? 

Most married men who cheat on their wives are conflict avoidant. Seeking out another person to meet the needs that are not being met in his marriage rather than doing the work of dealing with the problems in the marriage or filing for divorce is the easier, conflict avoidant way to solve the problem…

If he wasn’t conflict avoidant, he would decide the fate of his marriage and file for divorce before/without involving another woman in his marriage and monkey branching from her home to yours…

Edited by BaileyB
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Took one post with numerous reply's to make me realize this MM business is not for me. You all made so many valid points. I texted him with some of this knew found knowledge and he said to me you are right. I contemplated leaving for months but apparently for reasons I do not understand, I probably won't leave. I can't say I'm heartbroken as I kinda figured this after his pull away in November but was not certain hence my posting here.  I advised him that he needs to fix his marriage or leave it,  Or he can wind up in this very same situation again with far more hurt then this caused. Now the big question! How the heck do I not miss the friendship part?? He became my best friend. That's the part I will miss. I will need your help peeps. Thank you all. 

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5 minutes ago, Myabee said:

How the heck do I not miss the friendship part??

Do you have other friends, family? 

Perhaps you should post a profile on a dating site and go about meeting a single man? 

Or, you could find yourself a new hobby. I have shared this before, but at a lonely time in my life I joined a knitting group. I learned to knit with a group of wonderful women and the actual activity itself kept my mind busy and turned my focus from my loss/loneliness. 

And of course, there is always journaling. 

There are so many things to do to turn your attention from this man - exercise being another very healthy choice! 

Good for you for having the courage to ask the question and accept the answer. So many women on this site then begin the dance, convincing themselves that if they give it a little time, he may somehow be convinced to change his mind… You had the self worth and the strength to set a boundary and enforce it. Well done! Wishing you all the best…

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I have my kids, my parents and some distant friends. I lost some great friends over poltics😬 I'm on fragile ground yet and hoping not to cave into him again. However, I think I can stay strong here. Exercise is something I love and helps with self esteem. Self care is real important at this time and my summer is busy anyway. Thank you so much xx

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18 minutes ago, Myabee said:

How the heck do I not miss the friendship part?? He became my best friend

Start by diversifying your life. Get involved in courses, classes, sports, volunteering, new hobbies, interests etc. 

Spend time away from the screen. Reconnect with some old friends, family coworkers, neighbors etc. Check for events and things to do locally.

Refresh yourself, update your appearance.

Get a good profile and recent pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting  men for a low key coffee. It gets you out there again.

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Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Start by diversifying your life. Get involved in courses, classes, sports, volunteering, new hobbies, interests etc. 

Spend time away from the screen. Reconnect with some old friends, family coworkers, neighbors etc. Check for events and things to do locally.

Refresh yourself, update your appearance.

Get a good profile and recent pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting  men for a low key coffee. It gets you out there again.

All common sense to get on the right road. the dating apps do scare me I must say😂 Thank you xx 

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reconnect with some old friends,

That’s what got her into trouble… ;)

 

1 minute ago, Myabee said:

the dating apps do scare me

Me too, but there are other things you can do. Take a class, join a club, ask your friends and family who they know… 

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1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

That’s what got her into trouble… ;)

 

Me too, but there are other things you can do. Take a class, join a club, ask your friends and family who they know… 

Lol! That was funny Bailey😝

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So immensely happy for you that you've chosen not to take that path. 

In a matter of days you won't remember him or the pseudo friendship. Good luck with all the above as they're good pointers and tips. It's a day by day, put into practice thing so don't be too discouraged if you're not completely there yet. Be kind to yourself and everything will fall into place eventually.

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Just now, glows said:

So immensely happy for you that you've chosen not to take that path. 

In a matter of days you won't remember him or the pseudo friendship. Good luck with all the above as they're good pointers and tips. It's a day by day, put into practice thing so don't be too discouraged if you're not completely there yet. Be kind to yourself and everything will fall into place eventually.

Thank you. I do feel like it's going to be rough not to desire at best the friendship, however it all turned to more and got all twisted and it's not for me. He needs to fix himself and his marriage. xxx I'm sure I will be on here to distract and seek support. xx

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8 minutes ago, Myabee said:

Thank you. I do feel like it's going to be rough not to desire at best the friendship, however it all turned to more and got all twisted and it's not for me. He needs to fix himself and his marriage. xxx I'm sure I will be on here to distract and seek support. xx

It may be hard at first to move past the friendship but you could also take a closer look at what that interaction provided you. Was it quality friendship or romance or did it produce more stress and confusion overall? Of course missing someone isn't completely logical.. we miss people whether we like it or not or whether we want to or not. But overall you're saving yourself so much more heartache and headache over a person or situation that just isn't what you're looking for or too dysfunctional for you to support.

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4 minutes ago, glows said:

It may be hard at first to move past the friendship but you could also take a closer look at what that interaction provided you. Was it quality friendship or romance or did it produce more stress and confusion overall? Of course missing someone isn't completely logical.. we miss people whether we like it or not or whether we want to or not. But overall you're saving yourself so much more heartache and headache over a person or situation that just isn't what you're looking for or too dysfunctional for you to support.

It was a real good quality friendship as much of the same likes, we both have the same shyness, so many things that made it a great friendship. It was when the love part came in and the sex talk and future that made it real tough to stay just friends. Waking up to the fact that I do not want to be a play toy nor do I wish to disrespect myself by doing so. Then throw in the point that was made on here about conflict avoidance this guy would never be for me as a partner if he avoids all conflict in life. Life is filled we conflict and we grow by resolving it. 

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I think you need to stop thinking of him as your best friend.  He wasn't ever your friend. If he had cared, he would not have put you or his wife in that untenable position.

If you continue to think fondly of him, you will be tempted to cave in when he comes fishing for you and most likely he will.

Poppy.

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8 hours ago, Myabee said:

It was a real good quality friendship as much of the same likes, we both have the same shyness, so many things that made it a great friendship. It was when the love part came in and the sex talk and future that made it real tough to stay just friends. Waking up to the fact that I do not want to be a play toy nor do I wish to disrespect myself by doing so. Then throw in the point that was made on here about conflict avoidance this guy would never be for me as a partner if he avoids all conflict in life. Life is filled we conflict and we grow by resolving it. 

It's not so uncommon to meet people who are similar to us in some ways but radically different in others. Think of yourselves as passing ships in the night. It was an acquaintance of sorts but it never did deepen beyond that or have the chance to because of so many reasons in your other thread and here above in bold too. I hate saying this but you'll undoubtedly outgrow him also once your divorce is finalized. You will be on completely different planets - he still in an unhappy and very chaotic life/marriage and you moving on to new and brighter, surpassing the all the phases that he is in now in his unhappy marriage. Things are going to change very soon so wait for it and go out and meet available men when your divorce is through.

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13 hours ago, Myabee said:

Took one post with numerous reply's to make me realize this MM business is not for me. You all made so many valid points. I texted him with some of this knew found knowledge and he said to me you are right. I contemplated leaving for months but apparently for reasons I do not understand, I probably won't leave. I can't say I'm heartbroken as I kinda figured this after his pull away in November but was not certain hence my posting here.  I advised him that he needs to fix his marriage or leave it,  Or he can wind up in this very same situation again with far more hurt then this caused. Now the big question! How the heck do I not miss the friendship part?? He became my best friend. That's the part I will miss. I will need your help peeps. Thank you all. 

My advice is never make your lover (whichever type) your best friend. If the relationship falls apart you lose two. I would never make an MM a best friend. They are a lover that is all, and you can't trust them like a true best friend, because, well they're philanderers for a start, which means they are capable of blatant deceit to save themselves first.

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ExpatInItaly
16 hours ago, Myabee said:

The kind of job he has is hard to get in my area!!!! 

Sorry, this is an excuse. 

Why? Because he doesn't need to secure a job in your area to end his marriage. He can end his marriage regardless. That would show you he's serious about faciliating an evenutal relationship with you. He can make himself single and available whenever he wants. That in and of itself has zero to do with his job position. 

You need to stop falling for eveything this man tells you. He's full of it. 

 

Edited by ExpatInItaly
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10 minutes ago, NYAG said:

Well they're philanderers for a start, which means they are capable of blatant deceit to save themselves first.

The survival instinct is strong in MM.

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29 minutes ago, NYAG said:

My advice is never make your lover (whichever type) your best friend. If the relationship falls apart you lose two. I would never make an MM a best friend. They are a lover that is all, and you can't trust them like a true best friend, because, well they're philanderers for a start, which means they are capable of blatant deceit to save themselves first.

I get that. The initial intention was that of saying hi via a platonic message to an old friend.It just turned out that we became like very best friends which would have been just fine if the sexual and love like feelings did not enter the picture. 

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8 hours ago, Poppy47 said:

I think you need to stop thinking of him as your best friend.  He wasn't ever your friend. If he had cared, he would not have put you or his wife in that untenable position.

If you continue to think fondly of him, you will be tempted to cave in when he comes fishing for you and most likely he will.

Poppy.

He already came fishing again. I did reply I'm not catchable. I'm not his fish. He lives with his fish he needs to work on re baiting her! 

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9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

The survival instinct is strong in MM.

I think this guy is 100% conflict avoidant. Meaning he has a big fear of conflict and is a big chicken to speak up to his wife to fix his marriage. He tells me her future plans are not something he is into at all and after like 10 years of zero intercourse, zero communication of any quality I was looking like a better fit for him. Then he flip flops back to I really will be ok I like my life. Well guess what dude? You are very confused and most likely feeding me a bunch of horse crap. 

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13 hours ago, BaileyB said:

That’s what got her into trouble.

Yes. Reconnect with some old friends. That's vastly different than horny lying cheaters, whether you were acquainted with them before or not.

And yes, in addition to expanding your real time life, get on some quality dating apps.

Dating apps are far less "scary" than going down the "my spouse doesn't understand" rabbit hole and pack of lies.

Date locally. Keep in mind unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

That's why this far away married guy was appealing. You were lonely but not ready to date.

If you are now, then you'll be ok talking to and meeting men for coffee.

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1 minute ago, Myabee said:

I think this guy is 100% conflict avoidant. Meaning he has a big fear of conflict and is a big chicken to speak up to his wife to fix his marriage. He tells me her future plans are not something he is into at all and after like 10 years of zero intercourse, zero communication of any quality I was looking like a better fit for him. Then he flip flops back to I really will be ok I like my life. Well guess what dude? You are very confused and most likely feeding me a bunch of horse crap. 

Most MM in affairs are conflict avoidant as if they weren't they would sort out the issues in their marriage by either taking the bull by the horns and fixing things OR they would decide its not working, we need to divorce and be the best co-parents for our kids that we can be.
NO, they shilly shally, dilly dally, moan and play the victim, find a willing woman to sneak around with, and tell both women what they want to hear, all fine and dandy... until it isn't...

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